No clue what I have done wrong...

[chibichocobo]

Hi all,

 

I come here seeking advice with the hope someone has gone through the same thing

 

So for a couple of months, I have slowly grown to really like a coworker of mine. We end up spending a lot of time talking outside of work because we take the same train, and I actually wasn't planning on ever doing anything about it, but we work in different departments.

 

After some time we both admitted we wanted to ask each other out, (after already having coffee outside of work and going shopping/eating together). We had a couple of amazing dates (and always super long ones, too, and we never run out of things to talk about) we both didn't want to take the risk just to try it out, because we didn't want to mess up the click we have and avoid making the workplace uncomfortable.

 

I stayed over at his place twice- we were completely alone for the first time ever so we end up heavily making out most of the time and had sex both times I was there- things he all initiated, and it felt right, and he didn't pressure me, so things were going great. The last time I stayed there we did what we like most, played video games, watched a movie, stayed up talking until 4am, had sex in the morning, and after that he offered to drive me to where I needed to be. It was great.

 

Fast forward two weeks later as we were both busy that weekend after, and one night before we were supposed to hang out again I got a long text out of the blue about how he suddenly wasn't sure about anything, that we felt more like friends, and there was stuff that was getting in the way of things he didn't want to talk about.

I was devastated by his complete 180, but he was open to talk in person after work the next day. He did end up talking about stuff, like how he thought I had certain expectations of the 'relationship', even though we agreed to keep it casual and take it slow. He thought I was miles ahead, while I was simply enjoying my time with him, we only dated once a week, and I wasn't trying to demand any more of his time.

 

He's dated a couple of girls that tried to demand a lot of his time, and even went as far to pressure him into giving up his sport; I'm also doing a sport where I have competitions and tons of training, so the great thing was actually having someone understand that and not nag me about how much time I'm spending on that.

 

I just don't get what happened. When I left his place that time everything seemed so great and nice, and all of the sudden he is freaked out of his mind and feels like we're just friends- I'm sorry, but physical attraction and having sex is not friendship. I've completely backed off after having talked to him (not want to pressure him more) but it's hard seeing him at work and not knowing what the hell he's thinking right now. It's been completely radio-silence since then as well (6 days and counting) while he said we'd see where we're at this week. I'm really unsure of how much space to give him or if he's expecting me to come up to him at this point, but that feels weird. I don't want to freak him out more but I just can't imagine him having gone from genuinely liking me and giving this a shot, to suddenly stone-cold no feelings at all. Any advice? I know guys tend to pull back, but this was super, super sudden...

[TheFinalWord]

The main thing you do not want to do is to ask him anything about it. He will feel pressure and become even more staunch.

 

You have to work together and THAT could be what he is mostly worried about. The fact that he sees this going somewhere or that he thinks you are starting to catch feelings, he might be worried it could cause a mess at work. You even said that "I'm sorry, but physical attraction and having sex is not friendship"...but that's what you stated the arrangement was. FRIENDS with benefits. Casual. That's exactly what that arrangement is, sex and physical attraction, with friendship, not a committed relationship. That you are stating that here, makes me think you said or did something to indicate this was turning into more than casual or you had expectations for more. And that is OK! If you know you want more, you know this guy is not going to give you that.

 

I would back off and if you know you want this to eventually progress into a relationship, or you expect to be treated as more than FWB, you might want to consider he's making the right decision.

Edited January 24, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[d0nnivain]

Sounds like he got scared. You got too close & he bolted.

[PRW]

After some time we both admitted we wanted to ask each other out, (after already having coffee outside of work and going shopping/eating together).

 

You spent way too much time doing "friend stuff", so you already established a "friend-like" atmosphere between you.

 

We had a couple of amazing dates (and always super long ones, too, and we never run out of things to talk about)

the early dates should only be a couple hours long. You shouldn't spend excessive amounts of time together unless you are firmly in a relationship by that point, or are "just friend". With the dates you want both of you to go home feeling like you wanted just a little more.

 

we both didn't want to take the risk just to try it out, because we didn't want to mess up the click we have and avoid making the workplace uncomfortable.

You should never date coworkers unless both people involved are very skilled at dating, very confident and sure of themselves, and very mature. But if either one of the two is clingy, insecure, inexperienced, or immature,...then it will blow up in their face every time.

 

I stayed over at his place twice- we were completely alone for the first time ever so we end up heavily making out most of the time and had sex both times I was there- things he all initiated, and it felt right, and he didn't pressure me, so things were going great. The last time I stayed there we did what we like most, played video games, watched a movie, stayed up talking until 4am, had sex in the morning, and after that he offered to drive me to where I needed to be. It was great.

No, it wasn't great. It was excessively impusive and way too much too soon.

 

we agreed to keep it casual and take it slow.

You may have agreed to do such, but you didn't actually do such. Making it once a week was fine, but it was over shadowed by what you did when you did meet.

 

I'm sorry, but physical attraction and having sex is not friendship.

It also tends to not be considered "casual and slow" either.

 

Any advice? I know guys tend to pull back, but this was super, super sudden...

It is actually not the guys that typically pull back, it is the women. The guys usually just settle in to a more moderate pace after the initial emotional rush fades. But that is not what he is doing.

 

My advice is to try to just treat him normal like you did before this ever got started. Do not offer to get together for anything. The one who "dumps" is the only one that can re-engage. So wait for him to re-engage, and if he doesn't then move on and keep in mind the things I said for the next one that comes along.

[stillafool]

I agree that you shouldn't approach him or contact him at this point. It is up to him to reengage with you. Just because you feel physical attraction and sex is not casual doesn't mean he feels the same way. To me an emotional connection would not make it casual. He obviously isn't feeling one. I would just start seeing other people (you don't work with) and leave him alone.

[AriesDude]

Sounds like the guy is messing with you because you both are still at a disagreement where the relationship really stands. If talking to a guy about things this after you had sex is "pressuring him" please buy him a teddy bear and ask him to suck his thumb.

 

My advice: Talk to him again and make a decision as to where you guys want to see this going, boyfriend/girlfriend or just friends. You already passed the point of "going slow" so if you wanna stay there just remember this whole ignoring each other for days and awkward stuff will happen again.

[40somethingGuy]

Hi all,

 

I come here seeking advice with the hope someone has gone through the same thing

 

So for a couple of months, I have slowly grown to really like a coworker of mine. We end up spending a lot of time talking outside of work because we take the same train, and I actually wasn't planning on ever doing anything about it, but we work in different departments.

 

After some time we both admitted we wanted to ask each other out, (after already having coffee outside of work and going shopping/eating together). We had a couple of amazing dates (and always super long ones, too, and we never run out of things to talk about) we both didn't want to take the risk just to try it out, because we didn't want to mess up the click we have and avoid making the workplace uncomfortable.

 

I stayed over at his place twice- we were completely alone for the first time ever so we end up heavily making out most of the time and had sex both times I was there- things he all initiated, and it felt right, and he didn't pressure me, so things were going great. The last time I stayed there we did what we like most, played video games, watched a movie, stayed up talking until 4am, had sex in the morning, and after that he offered to drive me to where I needed to be. It was great.

 

Fast forward two weeks later as we were both busy that weekend after, and one night before we were supposed to hang out again I got a long text out of the blue about how he suddenly wasn't sure about anything, that we felt more like friends, and there was stuff that was getting in the way of things he didn't want to talk about.

I was devastated by his complete 180, but he was open to talk in person after work the next day. He did end up talking about stuff, like how he thought I had certain expectations of the 'relationship', even though we agreed to keep it casual and take it slow. He thought I was miles ahead, while I was simply enjoying my time with him, we only dated once a week, and I wasn't trying to demand any more of his time.

 

He's dated a couple of girls that tried to demand a lot of his time, and even went as far to pressure him into giving up his sport; I'm also doing a sport where I have competitions and tons of training, so the great thing was actually having someone understand that and not nag me about how much time I'm spending on that.

 

I just don't get what happened. When I left his place that time everything seemed so great and nice, and all of the sudden he is freaked out of his mind and feels like we're just friends- I'm sorry, but physical attraction and having sex is not friendship. I've completely backed off after having talked to him (not want to pressure him more) but it's hard seeing him at work and not knowing what the hell he's thinking right now. It's been completely radio-silence since then as well (6 days and counting) while he said we'd see where we're at this week. I'm really unsure of how much space to give him or if he's expecting me to come up to him at this point, but that feels weird. I don't want to freak him out more but I just can't imagine him having gone from genuinely liking me and giving this a shot, to suddenly stone-cold no feelings at all. Any advice? I know guys tend to pull back, but this was super, super sudden...

Something spooked him and it is likely something to do with work or someone was asking too many questions about what is going on with you two. I seriously doubt it is anything you did. Hell, you sound awesome. You hang out and play video games, make great conversation, genuinely like him, and put out. Damn, that sounds like a good girl to be with! I think once he steps back a bit and realizes that there aren't tons of girls that compatible he will regret pushing you away. The lamest thing of all of this is he flaked out over text. I think you definitely deserved a face to face conversation where you could better define what you two are at this moment and what the expectations are, if any. When you sleep with a girl once much less multiple times you owe her face to face talk not hiding behind a phone. That was sooo weak.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you know if he’s been dating anyone else? This sounds like a guy who’s been caught out seeing a couple girls at the same time and the first one got wind of it and threatened to drop him.

[PRW]

Do you know if he’s been dating anyone else? This sounds like a guy who’s been caught out seeing a couple girls at the same time and the first one got wind of it and threatened to drop him.

I doubt he is. These two spent way too much time together beforehand acting like "buddies" before they went on a date. Doing that would have gotten in the way of him seeing someone else.

[Malin889]

My advice, as a female: do not contact him. Move on with your life, do everything you used to do before you got involved with him, let him have space, and eventually heÂ’ll come back to you. You donÂ’t want to hound him because itÂ’ll make things worse. IÂ’ve heard, but this isnÂ’t true in all cases, that men tend to step away when things are starting to get serious and then come back once theyÂ’ve had space.

[smackie9]

Soooooo did a new girl start working there?

 

 

 

No confusion here. He's just a guy that just wants a quick in and out. Sure he sounds a bit freaked out, but whatever the reason, it's over. He can't even do casual let alone a relationship. He's keeping his options open.

[chibichocobo]

You spent way too much time doing "friend stuff", so you already established a "friend-like" atmosphere between you.

 

the early dates should only be a couple hours long. You shouldn't spend excessive amounts of time together unless you are firmly in a relationship by that point, or are "just friend". With the dates you want both of you to go home feeling like you wanted just a little more.

 

You should never date coworkers unless both people involved are very skilled at dating, very confident and sure of themselves, and very mature. But if either one of the two is clingy, insecure, inexperienced, or immature,...then it will blow up in their face every time.

 

No, it wasn't great. It was excessively impusive and way too much too soon.

 

You may have agreed to do such, but you didn't actually do such. Making it once a week was fine, but it was over shadowed by what you did when you did meet.

 

It also tends to not be considered "casual and slow" either.

 

It is actually not the guys that typically pull back, it is the women. The guys usually just settle in to a more moderate pace after the initial emotional rush fades. But that is not what he is doing.

 

My advice is to try to just treat him normal like you did before this ever got started. Do not offer to get together for anything. The one who "dumps" is the only one that can re-engage. So wait for him to re-engage, and if he doesn't then move on and keep in mind the things I said for the next one that comes along.

 

While the first couple of dates were long (between 6-9hrs) they passed super quickly, and were actual 'date-dates'- as in, going to the movies, having dinner, playing pool. We didn't kiss until the third.

 

Me staying over twice has probably been putting this in a fast-forward pace. The first time was by accident (we lost track of time and my last train was already gone) but the second week, he specifically asked if I'd stay over again. I have to admit it's hard to know what our pace should be when you see and talk to each other every day.

The main thing we got out of our conversation last week is we both aren't ready to completely open up yet and we should take it a step back. The silence after this is just making me second guess everything.

 

Also, just for some context - neither of us are very clingy. I didn't text him when I knew he was with friends, and we also didn't text throughout the entire day. We both have busy lives and friends (both training for our sport 3-5 days a week) so we're definitely not glued together all the time, physically or by phone.

 

I have my baggage just like he does, so I'm hoping we both got a wake-up call and this will blow over...

[Lotsgoingon]

It's very confusing when we have a great time with someone--even a fantastic time--only to hear from them that they don't want to go forward or want to stop. Very confusing and painful. But it happens to a lot of people.

 

A friend of mine had this experience ... and when I shared the same experience (someone backing off when I thought things were near amazing), she said the following. If the person doesn't see that the relationship or our connection is fantastic, then they are not the person for us to date.

 

 

You didn't do anything wrong ... He is just not up for a relationship right now--it really doesn't matter the reason. Keep going to find someone available. Hold your head high.

[chibichocobo]

I doubt he is. These two spent way too much time together beforehand acting like "buddies" before they went on a date. Doing that would have gotten in the way of him seeing someone else.

 

He isn't. We did talk about this a couple of weeks ago, and he straight up said he was only seeing me. Also, he's kind of an introvert, so he needs his alone time- he's also dealing with some hormonal insecurities and is actually struggling with libido issues, so he's definitely not the type to play girls and sleep around.

[chibichocobo]

It's very confusing when we have a great time with someone--even a fantastic time--only to hear from them that they don't want to go forward or want to stop. Very confusing and painful. But it happens to a lot of people.

 

A friend of mine had this experience ... and when I shared the same experience (someone backing off when I thought things were near amazing), she said the following. If the person doesn't see that the relationship or our connection is fantastic, then they are not the person for us to date.

 

 

You didn't do anything wrong ... He is just not up for a relationship right now--it really doesn't matter the reason. Keep going to find someone available. Hold your head high.

 

I'm trying- it doesn't happen often that you bump into someone you click so well with (effortless conversation, same hobbies, both into sports, video games, food, you name it) and has a lifestyle that meshes so well with yours.

 

He definitely isn't ready for anything serious right now, but neither am I, and made it clear I was just enjoying my time with him and fine if we just took a step back and see where it would go. But alas, I can't do more than wait it out, it seems.

[ShadeOfGreen]

He isn't. We did talk about this a couple of weeks ago, and he straight up said he was only seeing me. Also, he's kind of an introvert, so he needs his alone time- he's also dealing with some hormonal insecurities and is actually struggling with libido issues, so he's definitely not the type to play girls and sleep around.

 

If he's having libido issues, then maybe he has a fear he won't be able to perform. Quits the whole thing before before going any further.

 

Sometimes we just never know the full truth as to why people just pull away. Even if we do everything "correctly", it still happens.

[Lotsgoingon]

He definitely isn't ready for anything serious right now, but neither am I, and made it clear I was just enjoying my time with him and fine if we just took a step back and see where it would go. But alas, I can't do more than wait it out, it seems.

 

Waiting someone out rarely works ... almost never works.

 

It puts us in waiting mode ... which is really bad ... because waiting mode is let me think of everything I can do to please him and not upset him mode. Let me approach him carefully. Let me talk to him carefully. Let me avoid him carefully. Let me give him space (opposite of a relationship--which is spending time with him). Let me not go out with other people while I'm waiting.

 

This is a terrible way to live and damaging to your self esteem. Waiting mode only get you in the place to put up with awful behavior ... because you are so focused on pleasing the other person.

 

All for what? ... For the hope that an ambivalent person is going to suddenly change? He's not interested. Let him go. Curse him out under your breath. Cry, moan at the disappointment ... and let go and move on--to someone who WANTS to be with you.

[smackie9]

Maybe he's worried about the workplace gossip. It may have to do with someone going up to him, asking too many questions, that made him scurry under a rock.

 

Most people's opinion including mine, recommend to never date coworkers for this very fact that when things end, you still have to see each other at work, which can be awkward.

[Orokotikki]

wait... "hormonal insecurities"?

 

Did something semi-embarassing bedroom wise happen?

 

Dudes can be be stupid handling that.

[Curiousroxy86]

Move on with your life. Date other men. To hell with him, his lame excuses, and his "friendZone".

 

And for the love of God don't contact him or go up to him asking for explanation or closure.

[Curiousroxy86]

And please don't wait for him. If he wants to try to catch the train that's a different story but the train not waiting for him. Keep it moving!

[ExpatInItaly]

Oops, wrong thread. Deleted.

[chibichocobo]

wait... "hormonal insecurities"?

 

Did something semi-embarassing bedroom wise happen?

 

Dudes can be be stupid handling that.

 

 

The first time he lost his erection midway but made sure he still finished me off with masturbation, and he said 'he wasn't in a rush'. Which later I realised might have been code for "I kind of want to crawl in a hole and die, better luck next time".

[chibichocobo]

And please don't wait for him. If he wants to try to catch the train that's a different story but the train not waiting for him. Keep it moving!

 

I think I needed to hear this from other people. My sadness and disappointment is starting to translate into anger and making me feel like I've been living some kind of lie, and he pretty much pretended like I didn't exist this week.

 

I kind of want to punch him in the face at this point, the two-sided feeling will remain because he's one of the good guys, and the only reason this seems to be happening is because he's so scared of being hurt/bossed around/claimed and he's allowing something like this to destroy something that went so well.

[TheFinalWord]

I think I needed to hear this from other people. My sadness and disappointment is starting to translate into anger and making me feel like I've been living some kind of lie, and he pretty much pretended like I didn't exist this week.

 

I kind of want to punch him in the face at this point, the two-sided feeling will remain because he's one of the good guys, and the only reason this seems to be happening is because he's so scared of being hurt/bossed around/claimed and he's allowing something like this to destroy something that went so well.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this...

 

Anger is a natural emotion to feel once you've had your heart broken. You feel like he led you on and that what you have is special and can be worked out...

 

BUT, what did he do the minute there was any issue? Bolted. He didn't value your opinion. MAJOR red flag.

 

He didn't try to talk about it and work on things, he "broke up." He won't talk now because he doesn't want to give any hope.

 

You have seen his true colors. He's not good relationship material.

 

While it happens in different ways, what determines whether a relationship develops is when a problem arises, does the person try to work it out, or break up?

 

You want to work it out, he does not. If their response is to break up, they are not the one for you. It's a hard pill to swallow because it really hurts our ego. How dare they reject us? But this is the risk in relationships and especially ones that move too fast. In my opinion, you went too fast if you were hoping for a relationship. I do not recommend getting physical until after you both have emotional investment and you get to know his character. You did not have a chance to see how this man handles problems, until after you slept with him. If you knew that before, you would have broken up with him and it would be easier to move on.

 

Two things you can do...

 

1) You must go into "no contact." There is a lot of information about this online and on YouTube.

 

2) Identify the lessons you learned from this experience. Feel the anger, but don't let it consume you. Don't allow this man to live rent free in your head. It's okay to feel anger and depression at first. If you are into exercise, the best way I have found to burn off these emotions after a break up, is vigorous exercise. Take your anger out on the weights, or trail if you run, or what have you. Exercise burns up cortisol and other stress hormones.

Edited January 25, 2019 by TheFinalWord