darkmoon Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 (edited) ok, so she wants to borrow £20, and it is always the same borrow. It is like parenting a silly kid, but she is in her 50s. And she owes loan sharks too, so she pays them back and then borrows again, always in debt to them to the max of the credit they give her, which she spends on scratch cards I do not get angry at people, anger alienates, but she will not listen when I suggest a few changes - - my problem is how fed up I am of playing rescuer here. I know to say that I have money worries of my own, which is true-ish, I have a debt, but not a big dramatic one that I expect others to fix. I also know to ask her in a light way whose fault is it that she is broke. Any thoughts? Edited January 23, 2019 by darkmoon
Author darkmoon Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 (edited) Does she pay you back? Yes, once not, but that is not my problem. My problem is that it is like parenting a silly teenager. She once went so far as to count my money as if it was hers, assessing what she thought I could afford to hand over. To that I said "I am not sharing my money with you" It was a lot to presume upon, imo, and so I am now more vague about what money I have. Edited January 23, 2019 by darkmoon
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 She is taking advantage of you and you're also enabling her. She needs professional help to get her life straightened out. She's a grown woman, not a child. Would she listen to you if you suggested counseling? Would she even understand where you're coming from if you told her you're done lending her money to fuel her gambling addiction and that you need to take a step back from her? 1
Author darkmoon Posted January 24, 2019 Author Posted January 24, 2019 (edited) She is taking advantage of you and you're also enabling her. She needs professional help to get her life straightened out. She's a grown woman, not a child. Would she listen to you if you suggested counseling? Would she even understand where you're coming from if you told her you're done lending her money to fuel her gambling addiction and that you need to take a step back from her? she knows about counselling ... take a step back? I would be lonely ... I will just visit quickly and go early Edited January 24, 2019 by darkmoon
basil67 Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 If she’s a good friend otherwise and you’d miss her, then being clear about not lending her money is you ur best option. Yes also don’t have to give a reason - a ‘sorry, I can’t help you’ should be sufficient. If she tries to argue that you can help, stick to the same message. 1
basil67 Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 Another idea for next time she asks “I get uncomfortable when people ask for a loan because I’m not comfortable lending. I would prefer If you didn’t ask me again”
Rayce Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 Just say... The Bank of Darkmoon is closed. Sorry 1
ChatroomHero Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 If you keep giving a dog treats and the dog gets fat, at some point the problem is on you because you know if you give treats the dog will not stop eating them and keep getting fatter. Stop feeding the dog, you are not helping. Consequences of the friendship are irrelevant, you are feeding the addiction. That's the hardest part to learn to accept, that the only way you know you can "help" and logically seem to be helping her out is actually doing the opposite, you are enabling the addiction to continue and grow. The only way to handle it is to say, "I care about you, but I will never give you money again as long as we live because I am your friend". If she rejects you at that point as a friend, you know in reality she was never a friend, you were her free ATM. 1
Wallysbears Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 Any chance you can just not carry cash on hand? Then you won't have it readily available to lend? (I rarely have more than a few bills in my wallet. I'm a "card" person.) 1
Author darkmoon Posted January 25, 2019 Author Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) thanks for the replies, but she is a close friend of 20 years standing, not somebody I want to let down at all it is not just me she borrows from I lent her just 10, she will pay me back, she usually does, and I told her to sort her money out, which I do not usually say. She is not ambitious, and as a gambler, she sees money in a series of attractive big chunks, big wins while still being poor (thanks to the gambling industry's marketing, urgh) ... See what she sorts out for herself next week. I just feel better not playing rescuer, but may continue to post, venting/sharing Edited January 25, 2019 by darkmoon
Author darkmoon Posted January 28, 2019 Author Posted January 28, 2019 she just tried to hit me up on the phone... So I said "sort your money out.... why are you always broke?...what are you doing that other people are not?" She rang off quick-ishly
amaysngrace Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 Good for you for telling her no and challenging her. I agree with you...that sounds like something you’d expect a parent to say. I know a woman who lost her investment property to gambling and another one who lost her husband’s business that he worked so hard most of his life to establish by letting her be his bookkeeper. Gambling addiction is no joke. 1
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