beachluvr25 Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Sorry this is long. I put a TL;DR at the bottom. I'm starting to realize that my boyfriend of 4 months is condescending and sexist. I'm 30F and he's 34M. How he's condescending: - One night when I was cooking for him, I read the instructions for the rice out loud, and he said "Have you never made rice before"? I said "Excuse me? Should I stop cooking right now?" And he said "What? I just want to know if you've made rice before". - That same night after dinner, we watched a movie. At the end, I asked a question. He exclaimed "What did you not get about that?!" Which I thought was rude and condescending. - We watched some TV after (same night) and I accidentally spilled some red wine on a blanket. So I said I'll go put it in the washing machine. On my way up the stairs he said something about laundry being in the dryer and towels being on the floor. Then when I came back down he said "Did you put in the towels with it?" And I said "No, you didn't tell me to. You just mentioned there's stuff in the dryer and towels on the floor" And he said in a snarky way "What did you think I meant by that?" This is more contemptuous than condescending, which to me is worse. We ended up going to bed annoyed with each other that night. - On another occasion in the morning, he put on the same socks that he wore the night before, and I said "You're gona wear the same socks as yesterday?" and he said "Well I didn't shower yet, so why would I put on new socks? Use your noggin". That same morning, I showered and used a towel that was on the floor. He then told me that was his dick towel, whatever that means. So I said, half jokingly "Am I gonna get pregnant?" and he said "You wouldn't get pregnant even if there was jizz on there.. And you're supposed to be a teacher?" I decided to have a talk with him another time that I saw him. I told him that I feel upset and hurt when he talks to me in a way to imply that I'm dumb. I gave him the examples. He told me that I'm one the smartest, logical, and rational girls he's dated. And that it was never his intention to try to make me feel dumb. He apologized for the "Use your noggin comment". He did not really apologize for the "And you're supposed to be a teacher" comment. Instead he said it was funny because it's not like I'm a sex ed teacher. So obviously I wouldn't know about that. And it's a joke/funny because the two things aren't related, and that it's the same as if I asked "Why are there pot holes in the road” and he responded with - and you're supposed to be a teacher. Anyways, that made no sense to me. And then I brought up the "Have you never made rice before" comment, and he said the other two things I brought up he gets, but not this one at all. And he didn't apologize for it. He said it's the same as if he asked me if I've made that recipe before, which is not true. And I brought up the "What did you not get about that" comment, and he first said that he wanted to know what I didn't get about that. And then he said at that point I had already spilled wine and he was annoyed. Which is not true, so I think he's gaslighting me. At the end of the convo, he apologized for the "whole miscommunication" and he did say that he would not joke around condescendingly anymore. Which he hasn't. But there's another issue. I'm starting to realize that he's sexist. How he's sexist: - He refers to women as "hoes" all the time. The last time was when I was out for drinks with him and one of my friends a few days ago. I showed him an article on my phone, in which the title read something about a guy having sex with various women at work. He said "Those hoes". For some reason we talked about the show The Bachelor, and my bf referred to them as hoes. - One time when I was out for dinner with him, he said that generally women are less logical than men. I said "Wow did you really just say that?" And he said "All I mean is that women typically are more emotional" - He brags about his sexual conquests. When we first started dating, he mentioned how he used to go to clubs every weekend and bring a new girl home. And that it was too easy when he had the outdoor hot tub. - He told me that he hopes I haven't slept with as many people as he's slept with. I asked him why. He said he can't help it that there's a double standard. And I told him the problem is that he believes the double standard and perpetuates it. I went on about it even though he wanted to stop talking about it. So he turned off the movie and put on sports. Shortly after he said he's going to bed. - He told me before he wants a pet monkey. I asked him if he'd want a girl or boy monkey. He said "Girl cuz then she'd cook and clean and bring me beers" I think he may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as well as be sexist. I think this comes from his upbringing and background. His dad worked and his mom was a stay at home mom. They come from money and provided for his education, and he now earns a good living for himself. He is intelligent and got a good job straight out of university and has always worked from home, which tells me he hasn't ever worked with women. It seems his only interactions with women are with his mom, his sister, and women he's dated and slept with. In case you're wondering what I like about him, there are a few things, such as that he's independent, generous, good in bed, and funny. That's all I can think of. I guess my question is, how do I go about bringing up that referring to women as hoes is sexist and is not ok? And that the double standards that society has are wrong. I fear that his sexism may be deep rooted and I may not be able to change him, in which case I would not stay. Also, is all of this a deal breaker for you? TL;DR: My boyfriend is condescending to me and says things like "use your noggin," "have you never made rice before?" "what did you not get about that?". He is also sexist in that he refers to women as "hoes" all the time, brags about his sexual conquests, and told me he hopes I haven't slept with as many people he did.
stillafool Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 I guess my question is, how do I go about bringing up that referring to women as hoes is sexist and is not ok? And that the double standards that society has are wrong. I fear that his sexism may be deep rooted and I may not be able to change him, in which case I would not stay. Also, is all of this a deal breaker for you? TL;DR: My boyfriend is condescending to me and says things like "use your noggin," "have you never made rice before?" "what did you not get about that?". He is also sexist in that he refers to women as "hoes" all the time, brags about his sexual conquests, and told me he hopes I haven't slept with as many people he did. Tell him exactly the two points you made above. Let him know it is not alright and you will not be in a relationship with a man who views you as less. That's it point blank. Make sure you mean it when you say it then wait for the explosion because I'm sure there will be an argument. That's okay because at least you told him how you feel and what you will not put up with. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 You're right. And he won't change. 4
d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 He's not going to change. You already gave him 4 months. Don't waste another 4 minutes. 6
Tamfana Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Put me on the "break up" bandwagon. Digs and put downs, and a sort of combative mindset, would wear thin with me pretty quickly. 3
smackie9 Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Sounds like learned behavior. I'm guessing this is how it was in his household growing up. Possible that is how his dad talked to everyone. If you want to work on him, you can give it a try. Sometimes just making them aware, and showing an example like how would he feel if someone talked to him that way, might turn things around. You need to address it immediately when it happens, and not stewing about it for a couple of days. Kinda like rubbing a dog's nose where he just took a piddle on the living room rug. 1
Juha Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 You are not happy, you do not feel respected. Dump!!! Your job is not to change him Next him and find a better person... 1
Lotsgoingon Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Of course, this behavior is all a deal breaker--and I'm a guy. BTW: your response to these insults ... would be stronger if they included words of profanity and suggestions for how he can go contort his body. Your responses are much too polite for the insults ... and that's before we get to the broader sexism. Like some of those insults ... are like ... you kick him out ... you tell him to shut up ... no explaining .. . Lose this guy ... 2
RecentChange Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 (edited) Also, is all of this a deal breaker for you? Holy $%^! YES that would be a deal breaker! Yes yes YES!!! Honestly, I wonder why you are even considering continuing to date a guy who disrespects you, says crappy things, and has an air of superiority. You are already having disagreements and going to bed miffed after 4 short months? No no no no.... this is not how good, HEALTHY relationships start. You should be with someone who makes you feel AMAZING about yourself. Someone you communicate well with, someone you get along with. This should be the limerence period. The time when you wonder if you are dreaming because this other person is just so perfect for you, and you feel like you are on cloud 9 around them. Instead he belittles you, and talks about his sexual conquests. Gross. Please, don't try to work it out. Don't try to change someone you just met. Ever heard "don't throw good money after bad"? This guy has shown you WHO he is. Just took a few months to see it, and now that you have - its time to GO. None of this is okay, or acceptable, nor the foundation for a long lasting LOVING commitment to each other. Staying with a man like this will tear you down, and make you eventually hate yourself. Love yourself enough to demand better. I agree with some of the above. You are being to nice and polite and enabling his bad behavior. I think you should have told him to stick it where the sun doesn't shine the first time he talked down to you. People treat you how you allow them to treat you. He's an a$$ and you have stuck around. Edited January 23, 2019 by RecentChange
Art Anderson Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 Wow. That made me feel better already. I'm Roger Moore with the ladies compared to this guy. Towels on the floor to be used again? Dick towel, again on the floor? Ewww. Every towel this guy touches is a dick towel, by association. I can be too sarcastic for a lot of North Americans that don't come from a British background where it's used more for conversational jousting than for insulting remarks like it is here. So I know I've probably offended people and when I'm called up on it, I really feel badly about it for a long time. This guy sounds over the top rude, slovenly, lazy. The kind of guy I used to know lots of who bragged they had their own apartment while I was still living with my parents. But every Sunday I'd seem them next door with bags of laundry for mommy to do and a hunger for a properly cooked meal once a week. I'd sooner walk to the nearest gas station instead of using the washroom in their apartments. Back to the OP; I don't think he's a narcissist. He's a lout and everything that goes with that. Be gone from there asap.
DrNo1962 Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 This guy is a piece of chit and this is coming from a guy who supports masculinity. Dump his weak ass and don't look back.
ChatroomHero Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 Frankly this is why guys say to treat women like sh*t and they will be wrapped around your finger. He is treating you like absolute sh*t and because he is good in bed you are wondering if you should continue to let him treat you like sh*t. Think of the worst person you know. They have good qualities too, they might be funny or good in bed or generous at times, but they are still the worst person you know. After just 4 months, he is still on his very best behavior. Good luck with that. 3
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 Lmao he sounds a lot like my narc ex The fact that you think he has npd that reason alone you should dump him and stay away from him. Look up npd. Many will tell you it's a lost cause. Don't ignore that But even if he didn't have npd my rule of thumb when it comes to a boyfriends bad behavior that is unacceptable is you tell him once. If he does it again or if he doesn't respond favorably you breakup. That's it. There is no trying to explain in a different way. No arguing. No nagging. This rule of thumb will better serve you with regular men, narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, f-boys, emotional unavailable men, and whatever other toxic man you may come across. Some of these toxic people will drive you nuts trying to beg, convince, argue because they will turn around blame you, gas light you, manipulate you, emotionally abuse you...just leave girl. It's not worth it. Protect your peace. 1
Author beachluvr25 Posted January 24, 2019 Author Posted January 24, 2019 I just want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. My feelings were on par with what all of you said, it just really helps to hear it from someone else before making a final decision. I did end up talking with him in person. He couldn't see anything from my point of view. I asked him what his definition of a hoe is. He said someone that has sex for money. So I asked him why he referred to the women in the article as hoes, or the women on the bachelor as hoes. He said in that case, hoes is synonymous with women. And that hoe means woman. So I asked him why he doesn't call me a hoe then, and he said because he wouldn't call me names...this convo continued and didn't seem to go anywhere. I told him that him calling random women hoes afffects me, because I'm a woman, and only women are slut shamed for the same thing that men do. And that it basically makes him sexist by calling women hoes. He wanted to know why sexism bothers me. I told him because women should be treated equally to men. I may have said that I can't see myself dating someone with sexist views. I also talked to him about the double standards that society has for women and men - "Don't you think it's wrong that women are shamed for doing the exact same thing that men do?" And he shouted "I just don't care!" He was very dismissive about the whole thing. There is more to this, but that's the majority of what I can remember. I broke up with him. Then he told me just to think about it, and then I left. And then I broke up with him again through text message again the next day. He apologized, said he really cares about me, and that he thought about everything we talked about and sees it from my point of view and now understand what I was saying. I sent him a long text back and in the end I told him I won't be changing my mind. 5
Orokotikki Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 Good for you! Don't look back! What pathetic caricature of a man he sounds like! 1
basil67 Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 Well done pumpkin. You don't want to be with someone who only understands what they did wrong if they are dumped. Even then, he may just have been saying what you want to hear and hasn't changed at all. Onwards and upwards
preraph Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 He's a donkey's butt. People who try to make other feel stupid all the time generally have deep down (and don't even know it) low self-esteem and they try to build themselves up by tearing others down and it gives them a temporary shot of superiority. Doesn't last, so they keep doing it for that little lift. It's called "leveling." And I bet he likes to criticize celebs. Because the more elevated they consider the person they are finding fault with, the higher it makes them feel, like, Hey, I'm even smarter than (person I look up to). If he's not aware of it, he is now and needs to work on it. If you want to shut him up for now, tell him, Every time you do it, I realize how bad you feel about yourself that you feel it necessary to tear others down. But don't expect a good reaction! It might get him to thinking though. His own parents might have done it to him or to each other, too. He has no respect. 1
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