Ariesgirly Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Hey everyone, Ive been writing on here about the last month in regards to a guy I have been dating who started out with spotty communication so I couldn't tell if he was interested then started opening up and contacting me more. We have now been dating about a month and a half and spend a lot of time together, mostly the end of the week and the entire weekend. He has come to some functions with me with friends and they all love him. He talks about all the future plans he wants to do with me and he even sent me a sweet text on Monday morning saying " I just want you to know how happy you make me and I could not be happier with you" He constantly tells me how much he misses me when we do talk and we usually have phone convos about 30 mins to an hour long. I initially had concerns about his communication but when I was about to say something to him about it he started turning it around and initiating calls and texts but yesterday he did some things that were back to making me anxious. After not talking all day I called him after work and he took hours to call me back, I had assumed he was working late or at the gym but no, he said he had stopped work hours earlier and was just at home chillin. It kind of hurt my feelings that he had not talked to me since the day before and he didn't think to reach out to me......when he did call me back I was at a friends house and we talked briefly and he told me he couldn't wait to see me and bla bla bla but to go have fun with my friends and call me when I got home to say goodnight....so I did, and he didn't answer and I texted him to let him know I would be up for a while to chat and he didn't respond. And this morning, still nothing from him. It kept me up tossing all night because I can't tell if I am expecting too much from him or if it is too early for me to tell him it huts my feelings, especially after he was the one who said to call him when I got home. I feel a disconnect sometimes when I am not with him and worry that his communication habits will make it so I can't trust him and he will be unreliable if I need him. Do you guys think this is something worth me bringing up?
smackie9 Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Ok whoa whoa whoa.....you are getting too needy. You know sometimes people just need a break to just to have some "me" time. It doesn't mean they are ignoring you, or losing interest or being disrespectful....just need some space. I can see why he just wanted to kick of his shoes and chill on the couch after a hard days work, and you both have been seeing each other pretty consistently. This is healthy. Giving space and time apart to do your own thing is what keeps a relationship healthy and refreshed. If you get all up about his "ME" time, it's going to make him feel smothered and trapped. Let this GO! and work on that anxiety or you will end up a lonely old lady. 3
d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 You are over reacting. Just because we have the ability to be in contact 24/7 does not mean that anybody has the obligation to do that. This is new relationship, time apart is healthy. He is entitled to some peace & quiet. The ball is in his court. Hopefully he will reach out later today. If he doesn't then you may have a problem on your hands. You can gently talk to him about YOUR insecurities but you can't attack him or make this his fault. you can express to him the level of contact you prefer but you may have to compromise & accept less then you want because you are being irrationally needy here & he may prefer more space. Still he should step up a bit, as part of the compromise & be more responsive then he has been (even though IMO he's not "wrong") 2
Author Ariesgirly Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 The thing here is I don't think he needs more space. He tries to see me everyday and seems sad when I'm not available. I am trying to purposefully make sure we do not see each other everyday. I just feel like if someone is saying they miss you that much and trying to see you that much then they would want frequent contact as well? If it were me I would have texted him back in the morning apologizing for missing his call. I guess thats all I need. Just acknowledgement that you saw my phone call. I worry that in the future if I need him or I am in trouble he would have no idea because he's not on his phone or checking it. I just wanted to send a simple text saying "I just want you to know that when you dont acknowledge my phone calls or texts that it hurts my feelings and makes me feel like you don't care. Communication is important to me when we are apart as well" We have had some serious conversations where he has said I should be able to come to him with any concerns I have or be able to talk about my feelings. I dont want to start this relationship off by being passive and letting him get away with things that make me unhappy. This is not the first time hes done something like this and they keep adding up in my mind. If this is the honeymoon period wont it just get worse?
d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Wanting to see each other more is not the same as wanting more phone contact. Do not send what you want to send by text. Say it to him face to face. The cold words of the text can be interpreted as you lecturing him. I know that is not your intent but he may feel attacked if you text that. He needs to see & hear the concern & hurt in your request for an acknowledgement.
SophieG Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 I agree that there’s a difference between wanting to see someone and needing to be in contact with them. He was at home doing his things and maybe he didn’t want to talk. He’s aloud too. Honestly, I’m like you, I like someone to get back to me as soon as possible and I have when someone leaves a text on read. And my bf is like yours, so st first I struggled a little. But I came to realize that when it’s urgent and I need him, he can actually see it in my text, or I just leave a message saying I need him to call me back ASAP. Numerous times, he sees my text and will answer 2 hours later, either because he’s playing video games, at the gym, watching videos online, working or whatever. I learned to go with it, and I don’t take it personally anymore. From what you said, your bf is really good to you when you’re with him. Just because you would act a certain way if he texts or calls, doesn’t mean he’s going to do the same. People need breaks from their cellphone. Sometimes I leave mine in my bedroom just to have a few hours of no contact from anyone. With cellphone now, we can be reached 24/7, but some don’t want to be available all the time and it’s okay. I would suggest to take a breath and just stop overthinking about this. If it’s too much of an issue, find someone with the same communicating style as you.
Rockett Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 The thing here is I don't think he needs more space. He tries to see me everyday and seems sad when I'm not available. I am trying to purposefully make sure we do not see each other everyday. This is the thing re-consider about your approach. He is doing what feels right for him, and you are orchestrating things so that you don't see each other every day even though he wants to. Do you want to see him every day (when possible) too? I agree that you shouldn't be too passive at the beginning of a relationship, but this should come in the form of stating your communication preferences up front and in person, rather than over text. He will take it much better that way, and you can follow it up with a hug and show him how much you enjoy hearing from him. I can also see why you would expect wanting to see you every day = contact every day, but everybody's different. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he could be taking your subtle distancing (not seeing him every day) as you saying you need space. Perhaps him not responding right away is his way of being considerate and giving you that space. I think you both have the best intentions here and it can be cleared up with a simple conversation where you tell him what kind of communication you enjoy in a relationship. Then ask him what he prefers, and meet in the middle. I know it's unsexy to talk about things this way, but it's waaaay better than feeling these ups and downs for no reason.
Author Ariesgirly Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 I went ahead and texted him right now "Morning! Hope you are having a good day. I called you last night like you asked me to and I haven't heard back from you. Is everything okay?" I have given him until 11am to acknowledge the call and it seems like a long time. I at least want him to know that I do notice it and maybe give him a chance to explain why he hasn't even acknowledged my phone call or text today. I personally feel its rude, I do not need to be in constant contact with him as we usually talk once a day, but when someone ASKS you to contact them and then blow you off it feels ****ty. This is someone that calls me their girlfriend so I should be able to acknowledge it
olivetree Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 (edited) I agree that it's the nice thing to do to acknowledge your missed call - but people aren't perfect and they forget / get busy getting ready for work / going to work. It's only been 1.5 months so he is probably still adjusting to the bf role. I'd have a chat with him at some point when it seems right about how you get anxious at a lack of response. In the meantime, and in general, try to give him the benefit of the doubt. He is clearly into you. Edited January 23, 2019 by olivetree
Author Ariesgirly Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 He responded with a ""of course everything is okay. I didn't see your call until this morning. I'm sorry I missed it babe". He admitted he saw it. I think I am on edge today now because I also missed his call this afternoon and called him back within SECONDS and he hasn't returned my call. It feels like he can get ahold of me but I can't get ahold of him ever. It is just a snowball effect of anger and insecurity at this point.
olivetree Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 I suspect he can always get a hold of you because you are anxious and are looking out for his call. When you feel more secure, you leave your phone around the house / don't constantly check it. What I'm trying to say is that you will understand his behaviour more when you are secure yourself as you will be less attached to your phone the way that he is, and naturally be less "available" too. 1
smackie9 Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 If you don't relax, you are going to lose him. This kind of things wears a partner down. He's still your BF, and he's not going anywhere, nothing has changed. Instead of stewing over it, put the phone away and go find something to do. if you or him miss a call or a text, it's not the end of the world. 2
edgygirl Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 (edited) This is not about what he does or doesn't do. It's about your internal insecurities. It's about your expectations. Until you work on yourself, no relationship (with him or anyone else) will satisfy you. Have you looked into the attachment style thing I mentioned in other threads? Those of us with this problem over-analyze and feel much stronger any change in partner's behavior. We are hypersensitive to change. I'm watching a lot of Robarge videos, specialist in attachment therapy, he has many great ones and they all relate to this, might help you: In this video, he talks about how we usually think the other person is the problem and they need to change, and no, it's about how we need to change, and how we need to learn to work with our level of discomfort when we feel our emotional needs are not being met. There are many other videos worth watching. Edited January 23, 2019 by edgygirl
frus69 Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 I think you started it all wrong. From the very beginning you are seeing each other too much and talking too much. This is going to burn out all attractions real quick (if it hasnt already!) Pull back now, right now. Pull all the way back.
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 *sigh* see for me if a guy is not my boyfriend and he is showing flakiness I like to peep it for what it is and fall back. Imma big believer in the getting to know stages before exclusivity in letting men be who they are, observe, and evaluate, and decide if you want to continue talking because you like what you see or stop talking because you don't like what they have shown you. I am not a big fan of having talks at the beginning because he is not a boyfriend. Now some things you may have to set the record straight but a guy choosing to not call as much as you like I kinda look at it as if he wants to call he will call. I wouldn't worry about putting expectations until he ask you to be the girlfriend. For example I was dating a guy who we went out regularly but he would go Mia during the week and don't call. I really disliked that. I didn't bring it up because a) I was multi dating anyway and my motto may the best man win b) I felt he was showing me who he was anyway and it's not my business to try to change him especially if he hasn't ask me to be his girl anyway. Soooo eventually he did ask me to be his girlfriend and thats when I decided to be up front about what I expected. I said "Joe (we shall call him) I like you a lot and I would love for you to be my boyfriend. But I'm the type of girl that likes my boyfriend to call everyday and you don't seem like the type to do that". He told me he would call everyday. So I said "ok I just need to see that and I would be glad to be your girlfriend". He tried for like two days and fell off from calling lol. I kept dating other men eventually ignored his behind and ended up finding someone else to be exclusive with. So the moral of my story is no don't bring it up, keep observing his actions, if by the time he ask for exclusivity then you can let him know sweetly what you expect and see if he can deliver and go from there and if ultimately he can't you got to move on to someone else hun
DrNo1962 Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 I think you started it all wrong. From the very beginning you are seeing each other too much and talking too much. This is going to burn out all attractions real quick (if it hasnt already!) Pull back now, right now. Pull all the way back. Easy come, easy go...
Simple Logic Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 Ok whoa whoa whoa.....you are getting too needy. You know sometimes people just need a break to just to have some "me" time. It doesn't mean they are ignoring you, or losing interest or being disrespectful....just need some space. I can see why he just wanted to kick of his shoes and chill on the couch after a hard days work, and you both have been seeing each other pretty consistently. This is healthy. Giving space and time apart to do your own thing is what keeps a relationship healthy and refreshed. If you get all up about his "ME" time, it's going to make him feel smothered and trapped. Let this GO! and work on that anxiety or you will end up a lonely old lady. I would have hit the like button 3 times if I could have. 2
Author Ariesgirly Posted January 25, 2019 Author Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) Hi CuriousRoxy86, Him and I have already decided we were exclusive very quickly after about 4 dates. He is my boyfriend. We hit it off immediately and did not want to date anyone else. I ended up talking to him about everything on Weds night and he apologized and said he would try to be better about it but said that he is very bad with his phone, he doesn't really do social media or anything so he said he is not the type of person to just wake up and check his phone for notifications. I told him that in the future if he ASKS me to call him then I would be expecting him to wait for my call. I asked him what his communication "needs" are in a relationship and he said he would like to talk to me everyday and he feels like he has been on his phone a lot more than he normally would since dating me. Yesterday he was texting me back very quickly and even answered a phone call within 2 rings when I called so he is trying. I think that him and I have found a middle ground for now where I need to not have such a high expectation and he needs to try and be better about his phone. He honestly is such an easy going guy that the few concerns I have brought up to him since we started dating have ended up in productive talks. We have had a few convos before where he has told me that he wants me to feel comfortable expressing any emotion whether negative or positive to him before it blows up so I decided I needed to say it. Edited January 25, 2019 by Ariesgirly
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