ljwentworth32 Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 So the person I'm seeing just had a death in the family. Prior to this we were seeing each other about 1x per week. Last we texted I sent condolences. I know it can be a touchy subject and everyone grieves differently but do I just wait until she reaches out to me? Should I txt back in a few days to check in on her, or is this too much? My thinking is to give her space so she can grieve (including not initiating another txt). And then when she texts back and shes ready ask her out again. Would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!
d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Do you have her address? Send a snail mail sympathy card but also text & tell her you are sorry for her loss & you would be happy to provide a hug or sympathetic ear. Don't wait for her to reach out. She may need time & then may feel awkward about reaching out because too much time passed.
Author ljwentworth32 Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 Do you have her address? Send a snail mail sympathy card but also text & tell her you are sorry for her loss & you would be happy to provide a hug or sympathetic ear. Don't wait for her to reach out. She may need time & then may feel awkward about reaching out because too much time passed. I already texted her a couple days ago and she appreciated the well wishes. But no its silence so thus the question of should i wait a bit on retexting ( maybe another week?) Or wait for her to be ready to chat (ie when she texts me back). Been seeing her for 2 months. She has been over to my house but I haven't to hers.
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 I think it's great you are trying to be respectful of whatever time she needs. You mentioned you've been seeing each other once a week for a couple of months. How often do you text? It's hard to judge how soon to text again without knowing what it was like before. I'm assuming the texting response has been slow in comparison since this all happened. If she's away and dealing with grief, then I'm willing to bet she needs the time. You reached out to express support, and that's great. Let her take the next step. You can always mention when you see her again that you gave her space out of concern that she needed some time. 1
BaileyB Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Give it a little time and then send a text that says “thinking about you. Hope things are going ok.” Or “thinking about you. I’m here if/when you need to talk.” Depending on how much you want to do, you could always send something she would like - a card, or some flowers, or a gift certificate to a meal delivery service.” It would be a nice gesture - nothing expected in return, just a nice gesture that I’m sure she will appreciate. 1
Author ljwentworth32 Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 I think it's great you are trying to be respectful of whatever time she needs. You mentioned you've been seeing each other once a week for a couple of months. How often do you text? It's hard to judge how soon to text again without knowing what it was like before. I'm assuming the texting response has been slow in comparison since this all happened. If she's away and dealing with grief, then I'm willing to bet she needs the time. You reached out to express support, and that's great. Let her take the next step. You can always mention when you see her again that you gave her space out of concern that she needed some time. Give it a little time and then send a text that says “thinking about you. Hope things are going ok.” Or “thinking about you. I’m here if/when you need to talk.” Depending on how much you want to do, you could always send something she would like - a card, or some flowers, or a gift certificate to a meal delivery service.” It would be a nice gesture - nothing expected in return, just a nice gesture that I’m sure she will appreciate. Thank you both. I think that's what I'm thinking too. Is give her space out of respect. Yea well initially we would text 2-3 times a week the first month. She would even send me random check in text during day or night but its dropped off. This is my first real relationship but even I can tell the early signs of interest. As in the length of her texts was long, she uses emojis, would initiate date ideas. Then our last date which was 2 weeks ago, she didn't seem as happy to see me for some reason (could see it on her face and body language) and the sex wasnt great. I texted after that date but then it took her 4 days before she texted me back to ask how I was doing (previously we would txt every 2 days like clockwork). Then the next day she had death in the family so I texted my condolences and now I'm both giving space because 1. Shes probably grieving and 2. Her attraction for me isn't as high so if I chase, it would only push her away and seem needy. So some people advised multidating to reduce neediness but it's just against my morals since I really like this person and we've been on 7 or so dates together now. I've lost count honestly. All I'm doing now is hanging out with friends, keeping busy, trying to develop myself as a man and have fun. And wait for her to reinstate when she's ready.
Author ljwentworth32 Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 Give it a little time and then send a text that says “thinking about you. Hope things are going ok.” Or “thinking about you. I’m here if/when you need to talk.” Depending on how much you want to do, you could always send something she would like - a card, or some flowers, or a gift certificate to a meal delivery service.” It would be a nice gesture - nothing expected in return, just a nice gesture that I’m sure she will appreciate. That's actually great advice. I might steal that line if I dont hear from her in a week. Fingers crossed she reaches out to me sooner...
Lotsgoingon Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 The longer you guys have been dating the more support and encouragement you can give ... If you've just started seeing each other ... then there is less for you to do ... you're aren't at the grief level of intimacy yet. I assume you didn't know the deceased relative or it would be great for you to be at the wake and funeral. And look, I have to be blunt ... she was acting funky before this grief and death ... she may simply have lost interest in you ... People use grief as an excuse to keep others away ... Truth is: if you really like someone, you'll just as soon want to spend time with them and let them take care of you when you're going through grief. Do NOT assume that grief is the issue between you and her. Big mistake ... and this is from someone who has lost two parents and two siblings in a 6 year period. Grief leads to loneliness and aching emptiness ... If there is a special person around, you WANT to connect with them during grief. Just the logistics of arranging funerals and burials can be exhaustion and tense for family members. So talking to an outsider (like dating partner) can be a relief. The fact that she hasn't much reached out to you ... not a good sign.
Author ljwentworth32 Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 (edited) The longer you guys have been dating the more support and encouragement you can give ... If you've just started seeing each other ... then there is less for you to do ... you're aren't at the grief level of intimacy yet. I assume you didn't know the deceased relative or it would be great for you to be at the wake and funeral. And look, I have to be blunt ... she was acting funky before this grief and death ... she may simply have lost interest in you ... People use grief as an excuse to keep others away ... Truth is: if you really like someone, you'll just as soon want to spend time with them and let them take care of you when you're going through grief. Do NOT assume that grief is the issue between you and her. Big mistake ... and this is from someone who has lost two parents and two siblings in a 6 year period. Grief leads to loneliness and aching emptiness ... If there is a special person around, you WANT to connect with them during grief. Just the logistics of arranging funerals and burials can be exhaustion and tense for family members. So talking to an outsider (like dating partner) can be a relief. The fact that she hasn't much reached out to you ... not a good sign. yea i definitely don't have a high EQ but something felt off last meeting. and then the 4 days of no contact afterwards was not promising. What was really odd is she cooked me dinner last time too. but seemed cold and distant during the whole time. I don't know if i'm reading too much into things, but i'm an overanalyzer in every aspect of my life. the only constant is that when I text her, she responds within 5 minutes about 90% of the time. That has never changed but I don't know if that's just her or she's just being polite. But I absolutely agree with you. Whether it's grief or a busy schedule or whatever bs life throws at us. If I really like you, I will find a way to spend time with you or set aside time with you. Guess that's just how human nature and attraction works. Looks like this is a case where I wait and see if she reaches back out to me. Any more contact from my end may be seen as intrusive and needy. Edited January 23, 2019 by ljwentworth32
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 Since you offered condonlences. Do a check in on how she Is feeling text. If she is receptive and chatty maybe venting feelings then you can continue being there for her by continuing contact. If she likes you too this would mean a lot. Now if after the initial check in text if she isn't responsive then leave her alone and let her come to you when she ready (and move on as well in case she never).
Author ljwentworth32 Posted January 24, 2019 Author Posted January 24, 2019 Since you offered condonlences. Do a check in on how she Is feeling text. If she is receptive and chatty maybe venting feelings then you can continue being there for her by continuing contact. If she likes you too this would mean a lot. Now if after the initial check in text if she isn't responsive then leave her alone and let her come to you when she ready (and move on as well in case she never). I found out about her loss through text. and offered condolences in that same text session.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 OP, Just to be clear: over-analyzing has its place ... You are not over-analyzing here. A delay or silence in texting is always meaningful--almost always! And not a good sign. There's no over-analyzing about it ... and to challenge you a bit ... some people who claim they over-analyze ... actually have good instincts, but pick up on a lot of energy that other people miss. The right partner will calm your over-analyzing ... and work with it.
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