Tough situation, I walked away because I didn't like her new terms.Questioning things

[El Duendecillo]

MrLewis,

 

You made the right call. Way too high maintenance!

 

It's hard to believe there are people out there in the dating realm, in this age of awareness, that expects such one-sided treatment when it comes to being wined and dined.

 

She would have been history when she made the comment about all of the other men she's dealt with, would have paid for her taxi ride.

 

Don't look back. You made the right call.

[TheFinalWord]

Hello all, here's the breakdown of my little situation.

 

Me - 39 divorced, no kids

Her - 41 divorced, 4 teenage kids

 

 

 

 

ABORT! ABORT!

 

More red flags than a communist war ship.

[PRW]

We met on a dating app,

That's where the trouble begins

 

She said I wasn't talking to her because I didn't agree with her flying for a week with to finish a college project with her professor. She said I should trust her, but when I found out she was flying to his vacation home in Texas, I didn't agree.

You are not in a position to disagree. She doesn't owe you anything.

 

She didn't care, but flew anyway.

Good for her.

 

She came back about a week later and apologized, so I agreed to see her again.

Bad for her. She didn't owe you an apology.

 

Two days later, during Christmas break where I thought we'd do something, she flew to Florida to get away from work and relax. I thought she'd go with her kids, but three of them were back at home where her Mom watched them and she met up with her 19 year old in Florida. She kept in contact, but again, I was feeling very iffy

Needy, clingy, suspicious, distrusting.

 

The day before, she said she's flying in late and wasn't able to get an earlier flight. She wanted me to pay for an taxi to take her from the Airport to our event, I declined.

If a woman spends 100's of $$$ for a plane ticket to come see you and needs a ride from the air port then YOU do whatever it takes to make that happen.

 

She brought up the sending a car for her at the airport and who other men have done it before, but didn't understand why I refused to do so. I said, you know what, maybe you have the wrong guy.

Yea, she clearly does have the wrong guy.

 

You want me to drive 2 hours away from work to pick you up from the airport or send you an Uber. You think that's right? She said yes. I just turned to go to sleep and said that's not right or fair. She then got close and hugged me and said she'll drop it.

She was right. The reason she dropped it was because she decided at that moment that you were "done". But she was stuck with you for a few days till she could leave so she did what she had to in order to keep things civil till she could get out of there.

 

In synopsis, they were as follows. I really like you and have a great time with you, but we are from two different worlds. I expect my man to take care of me when I am sick (notice she left me for dead when I was in the hospital and never visited me during recovery even though she lives very close) or pay for my Uber rides.

No surprise there, and you asked for it.

[MrLewis]

She was right. The reason she dropped it was because she decided at that moment that you were "done". But she was stuck with you for a few days till she could leave so she did what she had to in order to keep things civil till she could get out of there.

 

Yea, okay. Stick with me? Huh? We didn't go anywhere. All was through text. Appreciate your input nonetheless.

Edited January 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JuneL]

OP:

 

-Did she know you were in hospital then? It sounds like you didn’t talk to each other then, after fighting about her going out of town to work with a male professor.

 

-What did you expect realistically, when you decided to date a single mother of 4 kids, all of whom lived at home?

 

-Why did you think she took advantage of her mother when her mother was watching her kids? Some grandmothers happily babysit their grandkids. You also don’t know how she showed her gratitude to her mother for helping out.

[MrLewis]

OP:

-Did she know you were in hospital then? It sounds like you didn’t talk to each other then, after fighting about her going out of town to work with a male professor.<snip>

 

Not exactly understanding how anyone would think that a woman a man is dating flies to a professors place several states away is okay. Not to mention, the professor had made several sexual advances towards her. In addition, he told her if she would have sex with him, he'd push her advanced certificate through, but okay, if some feel that is okay, then maybe I am old fashioned and wrong. Got it.

 

The teenagers are 15 - 19. The later two are in college. Gave it a go. I have no issues there.

 

The mother lives about 3 hours away and travels back and forth. She's said her mom is having issues with the traveling due to back and leg pain. She's unable to drive, so take multiple buses. That was what I was trying to relay in my post.

 

She knew I was in and out of doctors and the hospital. It was in the texts and she knew I was at the ER a few times. That's not the issue. Showing a little care and concern would had been appreciated. That is all. If I am wrong for this, then, I guess I am. I am more than a utility and have feelings and emotions too. No one likes to take advantage of.

Edited January 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Trucate quote of prior post

[JuneL]

Okay, suddenly all the details came out. So she’s such a bad person but she’s hot, according to you, it would be ideal to date her casually like she suggested, no? Why are you so upset she decided not to have a serious relationship with you?

Edited January 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MrLewis]

Not upset, just venting I guess. Believe it or not, there's more that attractive I look for in a woman. I never said she was a bad person, she just didn't seem to care about anyone aside from herself.

 

That's what I am leaning towards, I could be wrong, not sure. No one is perfect, I know that, including me. I guess being switched from exclusive, which was her idea, to just casual or FWB was a shock to my system, and that is why I selected to leave. I felt it was just another level of disrespect towards me. It made little sense, again to me, for her to reach out to me again after I said good bye and take care when she went to fly to her professor only to offer a casual FWB downgrade a few weeks ago.

 

She should had just let things be, not reach back out and want to try things again. I was wrong too for agreeing, but she swore up and down nothing happened and I thought we were on the road in building something together. I guess, in the end, all she wanted was sex and for someone to pay for everything; and that is what smarts a bit. Being used.

Edited January 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[lurker74]

Some people, and I think it's fair to say most of those people are probably women, just want to be taken care of. Their sole love language, to use a commonly known explanation, is acts of service. And to be honest, when you provide that kind of love, they can be amazing partners since every act of service can fill their vessel. But it's a slog with some of them because they were often raised or in a LTR that taught them to be me first every time.

 

I dated a woman that I adored and her love language was definitely acts of service. And boy did I service. But with a certain subset of these women - the woman I dated and your ex - a score of 99% is not enough. You need to score 100% all of the time because once they get used to it, they start to expect it. The woman I dated, who I adored and did everything for, including cooking, nights out, vacations, sitting in ER with her suicidal daughter, and many, many more things, flew off the handle the one day I was picking my kids up from the airport and wouldn't drive an hour toward her, leaving my kids to sit in an airport, because her tire pressure was low. She even had the gall to have her ex-husband take care of it and try to rub it in my face that he cared more about her than me.

 

That's when I learned an important lesson. Give and take is in the eye of the beholder. She truly felt, like your ex, that her taking was justified and I felt it was too far. Maybe you should have sent an Uber for her. Maybe you should've taken care of her when she was sick. Maybe it's reasonable for her not to visit you in the hospital. And maybe I should've taken care of her tire right away. But in your eye (as in mine), those were unacceptable and since they were never going to change, kudos on getting out. Don't look back because it won't work.

[smackie9]

You keep saying you were used.....that's no excuse for finding out you are not on the same page. That is why we date. To find out what they are like in all situations, and how they can be a part of our life and vise versa. It simply didn't work out, and in a way it was for the better, so don't be a sour puss about it...don't let her make you feel so defeated, it makes her win. You will find the RIGHT one eventually, and will be glad you did. Chin up, and go forward!

[salparadise]

You need to score 100% all of the time because once they get used to it, they start to expect it. The woman I dated, who I adored and did everything for, including cooking, nights out, vacations, sitting in ER with her suicidal daughter, and many, many more things, flew off the handle the one day I was picking my kids up from the airport and wouldn't drive an hour toward her, leaving my kids to sit in an airport, because her tire pressure was low. She even had the gall to have her ex-husband take care of it and try to rub it in my face that he cared more about her than me.

 

Dude, I don't know why you're giving this crazy sh*t a pass by chalking it up to love languages. Yours, and the OP's ex-gf, are BSC... as is any man who willingly submits to such antics.

 

OP, I'd be willing to bet that she didn't pay for the plane ticket to visit the professor at his vacation house either. You'd have to be pretty damn gullible to believe that trip was about finishing up coursework.

 

You dodged a bullet here without a doubt, but I think you need to do some serious introspection and examine why you were willing to engage in such a non-reciprocal hoop jumping contest to begin with. Locate your dignity, man.

[lurker74]

Dude, I don't know why you're giving this crazy sh*t a pass by chalking it up to love languages. Yours, and the OP's ex-gf, are BSC... as is any man who willingly submits to such antics.

 

OP, I'd be willing to bet that she didn't pay for the plane ticket to visit the professor at his vacation house either. You'd have to be pretty damn gullible to believe that trip was about finishing up coursework.

 

You dodged a bullet here without a doubt, but I think you need to do some serious introspection and examine why you were willing to engage in such a non-reciprocal hoop jumping contest to begin with. Locate your dignity, man.

 

Not sure where I gave either woman a pass. Understanding where it comes from is important for understanding the behavior. Once you understand the behavior, you can and should make your own choice. I guarantee you that you, me, and everyone here is BSC on some level...some things are just more surface level. As for me...I broke up with her immediately and never went back, as I think the OP did (eventually) and should remain.

[JuneL]

Dude, I don't know why you're giving this crazy sh*t a pass by chalking it up to love languages. Yours, and the OP's ex-gf, are BSC... as is any man who willingly submits to such antics.

 

OP, I'd be willing to bet that she didn't pay for the plane ticket to visit the professor at his vacation house either. You'd have to be pretty damn gullible to believe that trip was about finishing up coursework.

 

You dodged a bullet here without a doubt, but I think you need to do some serious introspection and examine why you were willing to engage in such a non-reciprocal hoop jumping contest to begin with. Locate your dignity, man.

 

Why would any man willingly submit to such antics? Because these high maintenance women are hot To be fair, they probably put a lot of time and effort into maintaining their looks.

[preraph]

To me she sounds really narcissistic, like she doesn't understand why everyone won't doesn't center around keeping her happy. Her asking me to send the car when she could do it herself was totally ridiculous and unfair.

And the fact she didn't just do it for herself makes me think she's also a bit of a gold digger. I mean there's always a chance she doesn't have a credit card so she can't use Uber but if so at her age that means she's also horrible with money and has bad credit.

 

She just sounds like a diva. There's no way you should have gone over there and caught what she had. When someone is contagious, the most you should have to do if you're not sharing a house with them and have no choice is make a drugstore or food run and then drop things off on their porch and leave. And again in this day and age a lot of places you can get everything delivered.

 

I say let her go. She sounds like a self-centered mess.

[MrLewis]

Dude, I don't know why you're giving this crazy sh*t a pass by chalking it up to love languages. Yours, and the OP's ex-gf, are BSC... as is any man who willingly submits to such antics.

 

OP, I'd be willing to bet that she didn't pay for the plane ticket to visit the professor at his vacation house either. You'd have to be pretty damn gullible to believe that trip was about finishing up coursework.

 

You dodged a bullet here without a doubt, but I think you need to do some serious introspection and examine why you were willing to engage in such a non-reciprocal hoop jumping contest to begin with. Locate your dignity, man.

 

What does BSC Mean?

 

As for when she told me she was going aside from my request for not to, dropped her right there. I went into the hospital shortly after. She reached out apologizing and such and wanted to see me. I felt bad and maybe I overreacted, so I agreed. She came over and spent the night. Two days later, she left again and I said this isn't working. She backtracked again stating since she didn't hear from me, she made plans to go back to Texas and meet up with her son. I just whatever and I'll see you when you get back. I wasn't planning on it and was mainly focusing on my recovery and healing. She reached out daily and I guess I was feeling weak and under a lot of antibiotics and pain killers so I continued on texting when I was able. I agreed to see her on NYE, but my trust level on her was very low. Nothing made sense. I never heard of a woman flying Texas to work on a project which could had been clearly done online or via Skype. Add insult to injury, she then went back there for another week to meet up with her son. I was very skeptical, but I played along. When NYE was a bit rough and she started and argument on this Uber and then taking care of her when she knew I had a very weak immune system due to the meds was my last straw, and that was why I withdrew.

 

I am not a stupid man, but with a clearer head I can see through the trees. Nothing made any sense to me, and the juice was not worth the squeeze. I will not lie, because she was close and attractive, yea, I stayed around, but when I feel like I am getting jerked around I leave.

[MrLewis]

Why would any man willingly submit to such antics? Because these high maintenance women are hot To be fair, they probably put a lot of time and effort into maintaining their looks.

 

I didn't. I left. No, she didn't put a lot of time and effort on her looks. She didn't need to wear makeup and wore normal clothes. She was one of those women who can pull off no wearing any makeup. Beauty would not make me stay with a woman. It's important, but if I am treated poorly, I leave.

[Curiousroxy86]

Actually I did. She reached out a week after she came back and apologized for the whole ordeal, so I stupidity gave her another shot. My fault in taking her back only to break it off again two weeks later. I should had known better.

 

Don't feel bad I too am kicking myself for not leaving my narc ex sooner. We shall be wiser with the next one hun

[JuneL]

Would you have walked away, if she didn’t take away her exclusivity with you?

[MrLewis]

To me she sounds really narcissistic, like she doesn't understand why everyone won't doesn't center around keeping her happy. Her asking me to send the car when she could do it herself was totally ridiculous and unfair.

And the fact she didn't just do it for herself makes me think she's also a bit of a gold digger. I mean there's always a chance she doesn't have a credit card so she can't use Uber but if so at her age that means she's also horrible with money and has bad credit.

 

She just sounds like a diva. There's no way you should have gone over there and caught what she had. When someone is contagious, the most you should have to do if you're not sharing a house with them and have no choice is make a drugstore or food run and then drop things off on their porch and leave. And again in this day and age a lot of places you can get everything delivered.

 

I say let her go. She sounds like a self-centered mess.

 

She has a credit card and used it in front of me for herself and her family, but never once for me. She said once, let's get a fresh juice, so I assumed she was going to pay, but no, her and the cashier were looking at me. I felt like a fool and was questioning things around then. We went to a costume store around halloween, and she tried on a Super Woman outfit, which looked great. She expected me to buy it, but I didn't. I didn't ask her to get one nor was I expecting her to wear it for me. A few days later she bought it herself, took photos and sent them to me. I asked her why she never wore it when she came over, she said because you didn't buy it for me. Next, she asked me what type of lingerie I would like to see on her. Doesn't really matter to me, but I said lace. She said, if you buy it, she will wear it. I just rolled my eyes and went to sleep. It seemed very one sided and I was getting a bit perturbed. It felt I was more of a wallet than anything else.

 

As strange as it sounds, before she left, she sent me a text stating she felt so strong and together with me, that she's never felt before; even with her ex-husband. That was prob. made me give her more rope and time to hang in there.

 

She paid for the Uber, but wouldn't drop it for days. Yea, her credit was horrible. I was going to help her fix it, but she never submitted the paperwork to the credit agencies. Here FICO was 549. When she said she was getting sick, I gave her some Zinc cough drops and echinacea to help her, she took it, but refused to take it when she got home. Apparently, her mom and all the kids were sick.

 

Who knows, but my trust level dropped when she left for Texas to zero. I had to focus on myself and just work on getting better. I never expected to hear from her again, so I guess I was caught in a weak moment. However, that text was a game changer and I wasn't going to stick around.

[Orokotikki]

You may not be Chuck Norris, but you sure dodged a bullet there.

I encourage you to explore why you didn't dump her sooner.

Good on you for maintaining boundaries about the airport.

Sounds like she wants a footman and sugar daddy more than a boyfriend.

[MrLewis]

Would you have walked away, if she didn’t take away her exclusivity with you?

 

Not sure. After the way she carried on with the Uber and not taking care of her (when she knew that I could had gotten very sick - she acknowledged this in the text too), and having to pay for everything, my interest was wavering. I recall asking her several times let's cook together, she declined. Or, I'd like her to cook for me, she declined, but would send me pics of her cooking dinners. I've cooked for her several times.

 

I just felt she felt that I wasn't good enough. I was good enough for her to sleep with and hang out, but she also wanted to sample other merchandise. What was ironic was I told her years ago my ex-wife wanted an open marriage, and I filed for divorce the next day. There were other issues that lead up to me filing for divorce, but that was the needle that broke the camels back for me. So, I questioned why she'd think that I'd accept an open relationship...

[JuneL]

A 1.5-hour Uber ride must be like $150? How did she get to the airport when she left?

 

I think she’s just one of those high maintenance women who expect her bf to pay for everything. My cousin’s ex-gf was like that. I suppose there must be demand for these high maintenance people, if there’s supply :laugh:

 

She paid for the Uber, but wouldn't drop it for days. Yea, her credit was horrible. I was going to help her fix it, but she never submitted the paperwork to the credit agencies. Here FICO was 549. When she said she was getting sick, I gave her some Zinc cough drops and echinacea to help her, she took it, but refused to take it when she got home. Apparently, her mom and all the kids were sick/

Edited January 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MrLewis]

You may not be Chuck Norris, but you sure dodged a bullet there.

I encourage you to explore why you didn't dump her sooner.

Good on you for maintaining boundaries about the airport.

Sounds like she wants a footman and sugar daddy more than a boyfriend.

 

I do not like to hurt people and sometimes I think I jump the gun, so I was trying to give us time. However, it steamed me that she never visited me during my time of need, then went to finish work with the professor, and then left again when she was only back home for four days. It didn't add up so I really thought she was up to no good. I even got a text when she came back stating I was even thinking about getting you a Christmas gift, but I forgot. WTF? Who texts that? I did get her something, but I returned it after she left for the professor. I asked many of people their thoughts, and they either said something is wrong with her thinking this is okay, or something is going on with her.

 

Most think she will boomerang back, but I've blocked her on Facebook and via text so that would be kinda hard to do. I went against my own rules in taking her back once, I will not allow myself to do so again.

[AriesDude]

-Can tell you from personal experience that keeping a profile hidden is the equivalent of going "let's try this with 1 foot in the door" so you, if not both of you, killed it from the start.

-Offering your own meds to someone can be scary for them, rather offer to take them to a doctor or give them lots of orange juice

Seems it's over though so yeah move on man, there is someone out there that would appreciate what you would do for them a lot more.

 

just my opinion.

[MrLewis]

A 1.5-hour Uber ride must be like $150? How did she get to the airport when she left?

 

I think she’s just one of those high maintenance women who expect her bf to pay for everything. My cousin’s ex-gf was like that. I suppose there must be demand for these high maintenance people, if there’s supply :laugh:

 

 

I do not know if she took an Uber or a taxi, I believe it was around 60 bucks. Again, I did offer to pick her up at her home, as she originally said she'd be back in the morning. She said there were no flights available, but they had them. She wanted to get in yoga and a tennis game first in the morning she claimed, followed by a chiropractic adjustment. I actually went so far as saying, listen, if you can't make it, you cannot make it. I do not want the tickets to go to waste, so I'll just take one of my friends. It wasn't a threat, but it really felt like she was doing me a favor. I wasted 200 bucks on these tickets, 60 bucks n parking, and 40 bucks on a dinner. So I still feel a bit used. If this was how she wanted to play us, not a problem. She should had stayed no contact when I exited two weeks prior. Her actions make little sense. It's just a very puzzling experience.