lastresort Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Ok. So been dating my gf for 1.5 years. We get along great. Well in the past 6 months she does nothing but complain. I get in her BF but seriously, she gets to my house and she will go for an hour or more and complain about work, her kids(19&17) her ex husband her family... in hot kidding. Every time i see her. I have a patience I’ve even told her she needs to cut back on the complaining. I had a bad day and was complaining to her about it and she flipped it back to her complaining. That’s when i stopped composing to her. I do love her and we were so compatible but i just can’t take it anymore. I’m 44 she’s 40. I’ve been divorced 10 years she been 3. I’m her first boyfriend since divorce. I dont know if she needs more time to heal from her divorce.
Simple Logic Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 If her comments are not addressing you, you are taking this too personally. She is venting to you, not complaining. 1
Versacehottie Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 I wonder if this is part of the reason she ended up divorced? 3
Happy Lemming Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Tell her she has 10 minutes to vent/complain, then you don't want to hear any more. Your evening with her shouldn't be filled with this verbal sewage, that is what her girlfriends are for. And vice-versa, your complaining/venting time should also be limited 10 minutes. Plenty of other stuff to do or talk about... If you run out of things to talk about, do some baking or other activities. Over the 3 day weekend, it was very windy out so my girlfriend & I were stuck inside. My girlfriend starting to air complaints about this, that and the other thing. So I stopped her and we made home made cookies, together. It took her mind off her complaining and occupied her hands and mind.
basil67 Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 I agree with Happy Lemming that a 10 minute window could work. If nothing else, it might help her realise just how much she's complaining. If she can't bring it back to just 10 minutes, then perhaps a therapist would be in order. It's simply unfair of her to expect you to cop all the negative. While I appreciate where HL is coming from in the distraction stakes and I'm glad it works for him (it's a great parenting strategy), I would respectfully argue that it's up to the individual to manage their own behaviour and shouldn't be up to you (or HL) to have to do it on their behalf.
d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Listen to Toby Keith's song I Want to Talk About Me. At least you will not feel alone.
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 We want to be there for our partner. That includes being an ear for what they are dealing with, but we can only do so much. If this is a problem for you, then tell her how you feel after hearing the complaining/negativity for an extended amount of time. It's best that she's mindful of how it impacts you, and she's responsible for shaping her behavior towards you in a healthy way. Like others said, suggest time limits or periods in the day where she can vent. If she's dealing with so much that she needs more than you can handle, then it's probably time for her to consult with a therapist. Otherwise your time together just gets remembered as one complaint after another. I can understand why you need a change. You can't be everything to her all the time. 1
smackie9 Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 I think she needs to go out more often with the girlies to let off some steam. Suggest that....a good night of getting dressed up and going out dancing with some GFs will clear her head. 2
Rockdad Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Call it venting or complaining either one the consistent negativity month after month sucks the life and fun out of a relationship. Sure we all have moments but to beat your SO down into carpet lint with it is not a good thing. I wonder if the honeymoon season was over after a year and this is just her natural conduct. 2
Versacehottie Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 I think it's good to listen to the people we are close to in our lives about their problems and let them vent, offer advice or sooth or whatever. But there has to be a limit otherwise it will color any relationship. Maybe tell her while you don't mind listening sometimes and giving constructive advice or work on solutions together. Or find other ways to blow of steam (like a boxing class or something relaxing). The point is if the content of what you "share" with someone becomes filled with negativity--even if it's not directed at you--it will drag down the relationship to that negative level. Maybe also tell her you are concerned that this being the content of what you guys do with your day will hurt you guys as a couple. I think there are some people in life that love complaining or have functioned like that so long that they don't know how not to (and it's a safe place for them rather than truly address whatever is bugging them). I'm going to guess she probably needs counseling or at at least some self-help books or podcasts on how to live a more positive life. Don't let her drag you down as well. I think it will be touchy to address but that you should. Good luck
smackie9 Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 There was a time my husband was in total hate over a co-worker. This went on and on for months to the point I lost it on him. It was making sick with his negativity. I told him to vent to his damn boss not me. I just couldn't take it anymore. Well he was mad a me for awhile, but he figured it out it wasn't because I didn't care, it was the fact it was taking an emotional toll on me. I think she vents because she has be no resolution or conclusion to her worries. Tell her to spend some time figuring out what she can do to change it, or just accept there is nothing she can do, and to ignore it. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 So a partner does something you don't like You got two choices and the second choice has two more choices 1. Decide to accept 2. Decide to not accept. A. Talk to her giving her a chance to change B. Leave Hate to oversimplify but it's really all it boils down to If there are many great things about her that it's not worth letting her go just because she vents on everything else then you have to learn coping mechanisms when she complains. Maybe when she goes longer than you can stand put on some headphones and just keep nodding at her. I'm kidding...sort of. Atleast she not complaining about what you do/don't do. However if you cannot tolerate the complaining anymore and you want her to change well you can't make her change so all you can do is say "babe I love you and I care about how you feel. And I get life has dealt us a sh*tty hand sometimes but when you spend an hour or more complaining it really makes me feel stressed and sad. I want us to spend most of our time being happy together. I am willing to listen to you vent for (insert your tolerance) but after that I want to focus on doing things that make us happy. Will you do that for me babe?". This is better than an harsh ultimatum. It technically is one for you if your at the point of intolerance but not making it sound like one invites your partner to want to give you what you want (assuming they are a good healthy minded partner). Saying it like that who wouldn't want to oblige. If she doesn't respond favorably or keeps doing it well sadly you have to let her go (again if you really can't tolerate). Honestly if this was the only bad thing about a longtime bf and the rest I love to pieces then I could cope for there are much worst things. But to each its own.
TheFinalWord Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 Ok. So been dating my gf for 1.5 years. We get along great. Well in the past 6 months she does nothing but complain. I get in her BF but seriously, she gets to my house and she will go for an hour or more and complain about work, her kids(19&17) her ex husband her family... in hot kidding. Every time i see her. I have a patience I’ve even told her she needs to cut back on the complaining. I had a bad day and was complaining to her about it and she flipped it back to her complaining. That’s when i stopped composing to her. I do love her and we were so compatible but i just can’t take it anymore. I’m 44 she’s 40. I’ve been divorced 10 years she been 3. I’m her first boyfriend since divorce. I dont know if she needs more time to heal from her divorce. If it's way over the top compared to normal, she may be looking to annoy you so you break up with her. I would re-evaluate things, maybe even pull back.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 There is a huge difference between someone going through a hard time who is also trying to improve their life ... and someone just addicted to complaining. Your gf sounds like she just likes to complain ... and has no idea how boring and insufferable it is for the other party.
Recommended Posts