I am bursting with love - but should I wait to tell him in person?

[blackbird_brokenwing]

I met this guy in October 2018 at a sporting event. He was immediately smitten with me and spent a month chasing me (and me pushing him away for a myriad of reasons). I finally realized how wonderful and amazing he was and came to my senses and we became official at the beginning of December. About three week ago he was over and we were talking about his mom liking me and he said “she will like you because....” and then he trailed off. I pressed because I really didn’t see where that was going and he kept saying never mind. I finally badgered enough and he finished the statement with “I love you.” I panicked, not because hearing that is bad, but because I was so afraid of him not knowing that to be true yet. What if he thinks that and then sees another side of me? It had only been a month of dating and I didn’t want him to be disappointed if he got to know me better. But now I am certain I love him. I’m so crazy about him and it’s taking everything inside me not to scream it.

 

Probelm is, he’s gone out of town until the day before Valentine’s Day. I wanted advice on whether I should wait until he’s here in person to say it or if I should over FaceTime. I don’t know if I can wait 3 weeks but I also don’t want to do it over FaceTime if it’s less special.

 

Edited to clarify: I told him at the time he said that I wasn’t ready and didn’t think he could know that for sure yet and didn’t want him to be disappointed. He apologized profusely and felt like he’d run me off (he didn’t), but that’s how we left the subject then.

 

Also, FYI: we’re both 30 years old.

 

P.S. Tips on how I should say it and make it special appreciated

Edited January 22, 2019 by blackbird_brokenwing

[preraph]

You've only known this guy for three months and only dated or whatever you'd call that for one. You do not know each other! Neither of you should be saying "I love you." You don't. You only love who you hope each other will be at this point.

 

Tell him if he'll stop skipping steps and getting overly eager and being rash, you'll date him to get to know each other, but no more "I love you."

[Lotsgoingon]

Relax ... there is no rush in saying "I love you" ... and in fact those words can be a massive distraction.

 

Those words in themselves do NOT change a relationship. Those words do NOT make someone a better person.

 

Chill ... forget about "love" and find out through longer dating who this guy is ... and how he handles the ups downs in life, yours and his ...

 

Saying "I love you" too early ... can create a lot of problems.

[basil67]

I know the feeling you are describing. It's like being on cloud nine. However, while you undoubtedly have strong feelings for him, a large amount of it will be due to infatuation. It's all those hormones and adrenaline making you feel so great. Real love is what's left when those heady feelings steady themselves.

 

That said, I told my hubby I loved him when I was still in an infatuated fog, so I'd be hypocritical to tell you hold off.

[OnlyHonesty]

You've only known this guy for three months and only dated or whatever you'd call that for one. You do not know each other! Neither of you should be saying "I love you." You don't. You only love who you hope each other will be at this point.

 

Tell him if he'll stop skipping steps and getting overly eager and being rash, you'll date him to get to know each other, but no more "I love you."

 

 

Many people really want to be in love so much, that they don't have the patience enough to really...be in love. When people say they are in love, and I ask them if they can love someone they don't know, they often go quiet. It's one of the lies people tell themselves, because they are in love with being in love. The sad thing is that the fallacy of love is a barrier to the real thing. One comes from the dominant ego, and the other comes from a deeper part of the true self.

[blackbird_brokenwing]

Many people really want to be in love so much, that they don't have the patience enough to really...be in love. When people say they are in love, and I ask them if they can love someone they don't know, they often go quiet. It's one of the lies people tell themselves, because they are in love with being in love. The sad thing is that the fallacy of love is a barrier to the real thing. One comes from the dominant ego, and the other comes from a deeper part of the true self.

It’s amazing to me how people think they know you based on two paragraphs. I don’t want to be in love and I’m certainly not in love with the notion of being in love. I have been single for the past three years by complete choice despite many opportunities and even pushed this guy away for over a month because I didn’t want to change the independent life I lead. I own my house and car and fully support myself and prepared to be single for the long haul until this guy came along, so love is kind of the next life step. In fact, I have identified as a lesbian for the past 9 years, so I can assure you this wasn’t some rushed thing just to feel love.

 

I dislike the notion that we can say we love tacos, love an outfit, love a friend we have just met, but we have to wait some arbitrary amount of time to love a partner? I googled this. Wondered if it was too soon. And though it was just a tertiary search, psychologists don’t seem to feel the need to set a time frame. They say it’s how you actually feel. Imagine that.

 

I’ve talked to him every single day. Very long, very robust conversations. Staying up half the night to talk and get to know one another. We have shared a lot of intimate details. We have traveled together. At 30, I’m not new to this game. And I think I know when what I feel is much deeper than infatuation.

 

Just as another poster said, it doesn’t change anything. Or shouldn’t. But it’s an expression I feel I am ready to give and just wanted opinions on whether to say it when I feel it or hold out for a face-to-face. People on the internet telling me I can’t possibly be in love at this juncture without knowing a single thing about me is irrelevant.

Edited January 23, 2019 by blackbird_brokenwing

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I vote for Facetime

[preraph]

I'm for being more cautious than that. There is no substitute for the passage of time in getting to know someone to be sure they're right for you. And you certainly can't tell over the internet. You have to be with them long enough to find out how they act when they're sick or you're sick or you have to be away because a parent is sick, how they react when their car breaks down or yours does, if they melt down or are helpful in bad circumstances. And you need plenty of facetime to know a person. Everyone knows people are trying to impress in the early stages and it takes a long time for them to show you their real self sometimes.

 

Good luck whatever happens

[norudder]

People get hung up on the word "love" and end up debating viewpoints without ever considering what each is actually talking about, because it can have a different meaning to different people at different points in the relationship, ie your example of loving a taco.

 

I saved the below from another post. Unfortunately I can't credit the poster because I didn't bookmark it, just copied the content to read. It's in the context of affairs but applicable concept of the types of love to other romantic situations also.

 

Oh, and my vote is FaceTime too.

 

"There's "having feelings" vs. "being in love". My strong suspicion is that many APs have feelings for the other AP (although probably there are those that don't). For ONS's this is presumably not the case.

 

"Love" depends on the definition one uses. Consider the following possible ones, some of which are part of "affair fog":

 

-"Love is NRE and sex" (most people probably wouldn't agree, but some might). If you accept this definition, many APs are in love, albeit temporarily.

 

- "Love is limerence" (I believe many people might agree with this, many would not). In this case, many, but certainly not all APs are in love, including some EA APs. Again, normally temporary although limerence can last a few years.

 

- "Love is long-term bonding" (I believe most people would agree "love" ideally should include this; but consider the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line that get's handed out by MMs/MWs. That takes us back to NRE/limerence.) If this is your definition, most APs presumably never get there, although a rare few do.

 

- "Love is choosing to put the required energy into maintaining a long-term bond as the two individuals change over time". If you only accept this definition, it's reasonable to conclude most APs don't make it, although a rare few do. It's worth pointing out that it appears many married couples never make this goalpost and end up divorcing. And some will indeed make it, but not be able to maintain it over their lifetimes and so end up divorcing in middle age or late in life.

 

I'm sure I haven't covered the full range of possibilities, but I feel it's quite clear the definition one has in mind will have a big impact on whether one agrees that two people "love" or "ever loved" each other."

[Hopeful30]

I'm on the fence.

 

Though I always advocate to be honest about how you feel and strongly discourage suppressing emotion, I also feel that sometimes we prematurely label our emotions without fully understanding them.

 

Without having longterm relationship experiences, I can understand why you may feel you love this man. In truth, it seems that you are excited and very interested in this guy, which is great! But is it truly love?

 

Do you love him like you love your parents? Or siblings? I encourage you to compare how you feel for him with how you feel towards someone you know 100% you love and would die for (a family member usually).

 

Personally, I've never been the first to say I love you. I've gotten premature I love yous, which didn't scare me, but I understand why it would scare others. I would suggest holding off on expressing this to him, but I also encourage you to continue feeling this way and exploring your emotions.