Anyone ever casually date someone for almost a year before getting more serious?

[sb6052]

By casually I mean like you don't really necessarily call yourselves bf and gf, maybe meet up once every week or two. You may hookup most times you meet, but sometimes not, may just make out. Still go on dates but not all the time. Hang out drink and have fun, but almost more like friends (though somewhat above and different from that too). But not exactly just FWB either, something a bit more than that.

 

As far as exclusivity, well neither of you are blatantly seeing others but you just don't talk about that much and maybe are okay with the ignorance of not knowing everything your partner may do now and then on the side. You may have this more casual arrangement for whatever reason, including the knowledge that you aren't ready for something more serious yet, or know you will eventually have to move and are just having fun in the meantime, or simply are playing it by ear to see where it goes but taking the whole process very slowly, with other priorities in your life, like careers.

 

But then after many months you decide you actually like the person in a deeper way and begin to call it a real relationship, are exclusive, call them your gf, say you love them in a romantic way. I wonder how often this happens. I've known of someone else doing this, but it doesn't seem to be common.

Edited January 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Kitty Tantrum]

My fiancé and I met and started hooking up while I was in an open long term relationship with a man who pretty much had "hot wife" fetish. Our relationship was similar to what you described. We acknowledged each other as friends and enjoyed each other's company, but were discreet about hooking up and pretty cordial in public/in front of other people.

 

I caught some feelings pretty quickly (I get attached to people easily in general), but for a long time I really thought I was going marry that other guy. The casualness of our relationship was strictly enforced until I eventually decided that monogamy suits me better and broke things off with the boyfriend.

 

We had been seeing each other casually for about 9 months at that point, I think. I didn't think we'd end up together because he was planning to move. He ended up canceling the move after he found out I was single. We're getting married this year.

 

I think you're correct though, in that statistically it's not a typical scenario.

[PRW]

There is no functional reason you couldn't go a long time in Casual Mode as long as both parties fully understand the situation and agree with it.To become exclusive BF/GF then one has to speak up and say they desire it. Then the other one has to accept. I doubt it is very common,...it is usually the exact opposite and they rush to exclusivity too soon.

[fieldoflavender]

Depends what stage of life you are in. To be honest, I think if I was 25 years old, maybe I wouldn't want to be exclusive so fast unless I REALLY liked the guy. But I am older now and I would rather waste time with someone who doesn't know what they want.

 

But if it works for both of you then why not. Although it seems like you want exclusivity so maybe you should just bring it up.

[purplesoccer34]

I would actually prefer doing something like this, especially since I'm the type of person who gradually develops feelings over a long period of time, after really getting to know the person. Yes, I have experienced instant attraction before, but that was never deep and it was very fleeting.

 

As crazy as it may sound, my biggest crushes have actually started off with me initially not noticing the guy at all whatsoever and then developing very strong feelings over time. The best example of this is the way I once felt about a coworker. When I first met him, I could tell he was somewhat attracted to me, but I didn't want to be around him. I felt no desire to talk to him or get to know him better. In fact, any time he invited me to lunch or whatever, I found myself making excuses not to go. Over a period of one year, I saw him every single day, worked very closely with him and by the end of that year, I was completely head over heels. When he left the workplace, I found myself in a lot of pain. It felt like I would never be happy with anyone else. Took me quite a long time to get over him.

 

I know that seeing someone everyday for one year and then falling in love with them is probably not the most common dating scenario, but I would actually prefer taking a long time to get to know someone before agreeing to become exclusive. I see nothing wrong with casually dating someone for a year, it just depends on what the two people are comfortable with.

[Lotsgoingon]

So ... did this happen to you ... I love the theoretical question but your setup is so precise and so nuanced ... dude, that was the nuanced description of a relationship I think I've ever read. Not quite this, but rater a little of that ... but not all the way that ... but in between ...

 

Seriously, I so loved reading your description that I'm assuming you're in this situation and I'm ready to offer advice and to cheer you on.

 

My answer ... would be no, I haven't done that and haven't much heard of it ... except ... this description reminds me a bit of couples that break up ... and then continue to see each other (though allegedly they're broken up) ... And I tell them (usually young people) you guys are so NOT broken up ... In a year, you'll see this as part of together time.

 

You guys are almost dating ... it sounds like you really like each other ... a lot!

So go for it! ... or is this just a theoretical question.

[Hopeful30]

I've tried, but within days the men want to tie me down!! It's so frustrating! They all want the label right away.

 

I don't know if it's a biological urge to 'guarantee' a mate because he's afraid of competition, but in truth I've always lost interest when men did this.

 

I once knew a guy for three days who asked me to be his gf and never cheat!! That was the last we spoke.

[PRW]

I've tried, but within days the men want to tie me down!! It's so frustrating! They all want the label right away.

 

I don't know if it's a biological urge to 'guarantee' a mate because he's afraid of competition, but in truth I've always lost interest when men did this.

 

I once knew a guy for three days who asked me to be his gf and never cheat!! That was the last we spoke.

You are writing my book for me,...if I ever write one.

 

It is strange, on one hand it is a very simple problem, with a very simple solution. But on the other hand it is difficult because fixing the broken men is very difficult to impossible and finding the unbroken ones is hard to do because they are so rare.

 

The problem is that you keep attracting (and accepting) Beta Males who lack masculinity and confidence,...that is where the needy, clingy, "rush her to the alter" attitude comes from. Now, before you react to that, keep in mind that "Beta" is a situational thing. The guy could be at CEO at a major Corp and be an Alpha "killer" at work on the job,...but put him with an attractive single women and the guy just crumbles to dust.

 

 

You need to focus on men who present themselves to you in a masculine way. And I mean real masculinity,...leadership, integrity, confidence,...not some "dick" trying to act mocho. If you live in a large city unfortunately that can be very hard to find, but that is what you need to do. Your other alternative is to try to teach a man "how to be a man" which rarely works.

Edited January 23, 2019 by PRW

[ljwentworth32]

basically as a man, you should let the woman bring up the relationship talk is what the two of you are saying correct? otherwise the man comes off as too needy, desparate, clingy, wanting to tie down a label, etc...

Edited January 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of prior post

[PRW]

basically as a man, you should let the woman bring up the relationship talk is what the two of you are saying correct? otherwise the man comes off as too needy, desparate, clingy, wanting to tie down a label, etc...

Yea. Sort of. It wouldn't mean that he is actually needy, desperate, clingy,...but it can look that way,...or yes, it could also just be true. But there is another factor involved. Men are goal oriented, everything is a "mission" to accomplish. So they drag that into a relationship and it becomes the idea of accomplishing the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible,...mission accomplished,...next mission please. But for women it is a romantic adventure that they want to emotionally experience, they want to be in a love story. So the women fall in love slower than a man. By waiting till she brings up the exclusivity conversation you are giving her the time she needs to "get there".

 

But when the guy tries to make it happen on his terms he short-circuits the woman's needs. She may go ahead and agree to exclusivity because she likes the guy and doesn't want to risk losing him,...but it just won't quite feel right for her afterwards. It will feel a bit like something is just missing and she usually won't be able to put her finger on exactly what it is. So the relationship will continue on a foundation that is not fully formed. This often results in the guy being SHOCKED when a LTR or a MTR suddenly fails without warning, as in the case of a few threads floating around here as we speak.

Edited January 24, 2019 by PRW

[manfrombelow2]

Thank you PRW for the well thought illustration. It makes more sense to me.