whatwhit Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 (edited) Glad to see love shack is back!!! Such a great community. I know we are now in the age of online dating. For me, I meet most of my boyfriends through online dating apps. And know that it’s more of numbers game. I recently met a guy let’s call him John. We hit it off and have kind of taken things off by storm. We met last Thursday, and we hung out pretty much all weekend, and have plans to meet again this weekend. So you would think if things are going well you wouldn’t want to chat with anyone else right? And that’s the struggle I deal with when it comes to online dating. I’m a pretty loyal person and am a one at a time person. While I know that he can date who he wants until we are exclusive, I just find it hurtful that he would want to. I get insecure about it. What was hurtful was on Sunday. I left his house and told him that I liked him to which he responded “I like you too. I had fun with you and definitely want to hang you again”. I went onto Tinder and he updated his profile. But he continues to persue me. I’m pretty sure he cares about me. We talked about sex ( keep in mind we’ve hung out 4 times now ), and we almost had sex. He asked me if I was really sure I was ready for that. Said that he thought we were taking things slow and wanted to do things right cause all of his relationships started fast and didn’t work out. I kind of brought up how I saw him update his profile to him and said that “I know you can date who you want, but the timing of you updated the app kind of hurt my feelings”. Tinder let’s you know when they update. He apologized and said he wasn’t talking to anyone else. I don’t know, are my expectations realistic? How can I not be so insecure? Be ok with knowing he likes me but may still go on dates with other people until we are exclusive. Also how long do you wait to have that talk? One month two months? Thanks everyone. Btw he’s 32 and I’m 31. Edited January 22, 2019 by whatwhit
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 uh oh did your message get cut off? cause im trying to figure out what was hurtful lol oh nevermind you edited it lol
Author whatwhit Posted January 22, 2019 Author Posted January 22, 2019 Haha yeah!! Was typing through my phone and it pressed send when I wasn’t ready
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 I don’t know, are my expectations realistic? How can I not be so insecure? Be ok with knowing he likes me but may still go on dates with other people until we are exclusive. Also how long do you wait to have that talk? One month two months? Thanks everyone. Btw he’s 32 and I’m 31. if your really going to be a one at time kind of girl you need to date guys who are clear that they are one at a time kind of guys and hope they are not lying or you should try your best to accept the major possibility that guys do date multiple women before agreeing to be in an exclusive boyfriend girlfriend relationship. not going to lie I have major issues with the decision to date one person at a time before exclusivity. I want monogamy like the next but that really should be within an actual relationship in my opinion. say you decide to only date guys who do the same. you dont know this person from Adam and your basically trusting that he is not lying to you when you hardly got to know him. and you get unnecessarily played that way. or if you do try to understand that the other person may not operate the way that you do its making you insecure because your paying attention to one person. so when he flakes your sensitive about it. if he updates his profile your sensitive about it. if you would date multiple guys yourself it doesnt matter what an individual does because your not focused on only him. when a man sets himself apart from the rest by contacting you reguarly, taking you out regularly theeeeeen you can focus on him and start to ignore the rest. but thats just how I online date. I know its not for everybody. but I swear the main people that complain about some guy thats not even their boyfriend are people who focus only on one guy lol. and when he ask you to be his girlfriend then you can have the expectations you have now because he is ACTUALLY your man. right now this guy is just not your man and you have to remember that before exclusivity now about the timeline question. in my opinion 2 months is more than enough time for a man to figure out if he wants me as his girlfriend or not. max 3 months. anything longer is not okay. and if he didnt ask me at 3 months I would probably assume he doesnt want me as is exclusive girlfriend.
Mrs._December Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 You're one of those people who like to put all their eggs in one basket when they're dating. Others keep their options open and date various people until they have the 'exclusive' talk and then the multi-dating stops (or it should, anyway). He's just one of those guys who doesn't like to put all his energy into dating one person which is why he updated his profile on Tinder. Just because he claims he's not talking to anyone on there doesn't mean it's really true, but more so, updating his profile is a pretty clear indication that he's obviously looking to get more interaction, so his intentions are pretty obvious. That doesn't make him a bad guy, he just has a different dating philosophy than you and isn't opposed to multi-dating until you have the 'exclusivity' talk (if that's what he's looking for - an exclusive relationship). As far as the exclusivity talk, I don't have an answer for what's appropriate time-wise because it's different for everyone.
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 I agree with a previous poster that you two have different approaches to dating, and that's completely fine. It can still work out. The reality is that a dating situation with someone can change quickly in the early stages. There are many threads on this forum where people come to post about suddenly not hearing from someone even though they thought things were going well. It makes sense to keep options open, and not lock yourself down every time you start talking to someone you like. You guys just started dating, haven't had sex yet, and aren't exclusive. His actions are completely reasonable. As another said, time taken before any exclusive talk varies between people. It's whatever you need to feel comfortable. I personally think dating someone for a couple of months before talking exclusivity is probably wise, but that's just me. I hope it works out well for you.
smackie9 Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 IMO you just know when a guy is really into you. Now this guy may ask you out on dates but, what is your overall feeling about his behavior/responses and actions? Don't overlook your gut feeling on this one. Take a closer look.
Author whatwhit Posted January 22, 2019 Author Posted January 22, 2019 Yeah the whole trust your gut thing doesn’t apply for me. I have crazy bad anxiety so everything feels off all the time. Constant fight or flight and overthinking. lololol
jess060191 Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 If the guy I am dating does not bring this conversation up first then I personally like to have that conversation after 6 dates and/or a month of dating. Sometimes guys can be clueless on how their actions can affect us. But now that he knows that updating his profile made you feel some sort of way, hopefully he will either take the hint that you want to date him exclusively.
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 Yeah the whole trust your gut thing doesn’t apply for me. I have crazy bad anxiety so everything feels off all the time. Constant fight or flight and overthinking. lololol Lmao I know what you mean girl 1
DrNo1962 Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 Glad to see love shack is back!!! Such a great community. I know we are now in the age of online dating. For me, I meet most of my boyfriends through online dating apps. And know that it’s more of numbers game. I recently met a guy let’s call him John. We hit it off and have kind of taken things off by storm. We met last Thursday, and we hung out pretty much all weekend, and have plans to meet again this weekend. So you would think if things are going well you wouldn’t want to chat with anyone else right? And that’s the struggle I deal with when it comes to online dating. I’m a pretty loyal person and am a one at a time person. While I know that he can date who he wants until we are exclusive, I just find it hurtful that he would want to. I get insecure about it. What was hurtful was on Sunday. I left his house and told him that I liked him to which he responded “I like you too. I had fun with you and definitely want to hang you again”. I went onto Tinder and he updated his profile. But he continues to persue me. I’m pretty sure he cares about me. We talked about sex ( keep in mind we’ve hung out 4 times now ), and we almost had sex. He asked me if I was really sure I was ready for that. Said that he thought we were taking things slow and wanted to do things right cause all of his relationships started fast and didn’t work out. I kind of brought up how I saw him update his profile to him and said that “I know you can date who you want, but the timing of you updated the app kind of hurt my feelings”. Tinder let’s you know when they update. He apologized and said he wasn’t talking to anyone else. I don’t know, are my expectations realistic? How can I not be so insecure? Be ok with knowing he likes me but may still go on dates with other people until we are exclusive. Also how long do you wait to have that talk? One month two months? Thanks everyone. Btw he’s 32 and I’m 31. 1) Guys online will date 2-3 girls at once until they feel they are ready to be exclusive with one woman [there are exeptions]. 2) Insecurity can decrease with an abundance mentality (ie. there are enough spoils and successes to go around) as opposed to a scarcity mindset (if he/she wins, you lose) 3) "The Talk" usually happens anywhere between the 8-12 week mark of consistent dating on average. Hope this helps. 1
TheFinalWord Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 (edited) My personal rule is if a woman is dating multiple men, I'm not going to get physical with her. That's me, however, because the thought that some other guy was with her the night before, just grosses me out and I don't know how someone can totally detach themselves like that. We would just be incompatible. If you don't feel comfortable with him dating multiple people, I would go ultra slow and just have a date a week. He may not be talking with anyone else, but if he's updating his profile, he's not closed to the possibility if the option presents itself. It's like he already knows you're going fast and it doesn't work for him like that so he's lining up your replacement. Don't hang out all the time so quickly. You're going way too fast in my opinion. Unless you're just looking to have fun and nothing serious. He's warned you, that every time he goes fast it doesn't work. You're setting yourself up to be another statistic. Is that what you want? If you want a relationship, you need to get to know this guy instead of letting your emotions run your life. Combine those hormones with oxytocin released during sex and in a month, you're going to be posting here how hurt you are, can't get over him, and he ghosted you for someone else. Edited January 22, 2019 by TheFinalWord
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