BigB Posted September 17, 2005 Posted September 17, 2005 I fell in love again. I fell hard and I fell fast (I always do). Something I promised myself I wouldn't do. It didn't work out. I spent almost 6 weeks feeling like I was on top of the world. Only to have it all come crashing down Wednesday morning around 1am. She's in love with one of my friends. My worst fear (being rejected) came true, again. As some of you know, my last GF left me 7 years ago. I've been so afraid of starting something with another girl since that happened. I was so afraid of getting hurt. Finally after 7 years I decided it was worth the risk, I was so lonely. That fear in itself, pushed her away. She said she wanted to take things slow, that she wasn't sure if she was ready for a relationship. So I held back, and in the end she though I didn't feel very strongly for her. She said to go slow, so I did. I though declaring my feelings would scare her away. He declared his feelings right away, and somehow it worked. I suspect I'll be on loveshack a lot more now, I kinda left for a while. I was spending a lot of time on another message board (where I met her). I've been on that board for almost a year, but I just have to walk away from it. It hurts too much right now. Looking at all my old posts makes me feel like I'm going to puke. All my friends keep posting messages looking for me. I get choked up reading them. I swear the Internet is evil. I honestly don't understand how I could be sad, and miss people I've never met. I want to thank everyone on LS who's given me advise in the past. It's helped more than you know. I'm dealing with this a lot better than I've dealt with heartbreak in the past. Last time this happened I was drunk, stoned, coked up, and depressed for over a year. I haven't taken a single drink yet, and I don't plan to. I'm trying my best to stay strong, and to just walk away from it all. She doesn't want me, and not long after I came to LS I promised myself I would never, ever, cling to a girl that didn't want me again. My first instinct is to beg her back, to dump all my pain in her lap. but I now know it will just push her farther away. She says she still loves me, that she was in love with me, but she wants to be with him. So I have to just walk away. She's never met him, I don't think she knows what the hell she wants. Half of the time she still acts like she wants me, I've got to walk away and let her decide on her own. I spend the last 2 days on the phone with her almost non-stop. She kept calling. I don't know if she still cares about me or if she's just trying to clear her conscience and move onto him without guilt, but I talked to her, I had to try and figure out what went wrong. I didn't get many answers. I still want to talk to her so badly, and she says she wants to be friends. I don't think I can do that right now. It hurts to much. Why be friends with someone when talking to them causes me pain? So I deleted all her emails, I deleted all my IM logs, and I deleted her phone numbers from my cell-phone. Last thing I told her is that I care deeply for her, and that I want to be the person that makes her happy, not the person who makes her feel upset/guilty/sad/etc. I said that if he's what you want right now go for it, I hope he makes you happy. I also said, if it doesn't work out, I would give you a second chance, but only if it's TRULY what you want.(like I said, she's never met him, and he lives 5000 miles away, so chances are good that it's not going to work) Part of me thinks she's scared of me and her working out, that the long distance thing with my friend is safe/easy. Maybe I'm just clinging to false hope, I don't know. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to start full on no-contact yet, the only way I could contact her is by email, unless she calls me. She still says she wants to come see me one more time. I haven't decided if I want to do that yet. Half of me wants to see her, half of me thinks she's just trying to clear her conscience. I may send her one last email, I'm not sure yet. I'll work on getting my head straight first. Right now I still can't eat, I've only slept a few hours, and I'm bouncing between crying, depressed, and anger. Not the best time to tell her how I feel. I'd probably say something that I'll regret. Part of me wants to try and stay in her life, like maybe if I stay I'll win her back. but I doubt that'll work. Maybe she'll miss me and want me back?, I'll have to leave that ball in her court and move on. I don't really have a choice. One thing I've leaned, is that I have issues. Lots of them. Mainly this huge fear of being hurt. fear of being rejected. I've never broken up with a girl, I never got the chance. They all dump me first. I guess I've just got to try and stay strong, try to salvage my confidence(it was back to, I had my cocky swagger back, girls were noticing me again. It's weird how being in love makes you attractive), learn from this and work on myself. Thanks for listening, B
Outcast Posted September 17, 2005 Posted September 17, 2005 Truly, Big B, you two were not in love. I know it felt that way, but you cannot really love a person you don't know. What you love is the person you think she is - and she did the same. And this new guy who's farther away is as much of an imaginary creature as you were. I know you feel bad, but you will meet someone that you will spend IRL time with and you will fall for her and then you'll realize how different the two experiences are and that all these 'loves' are just built on vapour.
Author BigB Posted September 17, 2005 Author Posted September 17, 2005 Truly, Big B, you two were not in love. I know it felt that way, but you cannot really love a person you don't know. What you love is the person you think she is - and she did the same. And this new guy who's farther away is as much of an imaginary creature as you were. I know you feel bad, but you will meet someone that you will spend IRL time with and you will fall for her and then you'll realize how different the two experiences are and that all these 'loves' are just built on vapour. true, I'm starting to realize that now. I was in love with an idea more than anything. It still hurts like hell to loose it. I've moved surprisingly quickly from shock, to anger, to depression, to what I feel now which is acceptance. I think right now, based on many things she's said, that's she very confused and not ready for a real relationship. I live very close to her, and I think that scared her. She said it scared her, that was why I tried to go slow. It was moving toward RL within the next few days. I tried to meet her weeks ago, and we kept having scheduling conflicts, or other things that kept it from happening. I now think she was scared to meet me, so she jumped to another guy, farther away out of fear. I feel stupid as hell right now for letting this happen. I promised myself not to let it happen. Maybe I needed something like this as a "first step" back into the world of dating. I don't really know what to think. She's still offering to come visit, do you think it's worth seeing her one last time just to be sure?
pippen_2k Posted September 17, 2005 Posted September 17, 2005 HUH? Whats going on here? Im very very confused! You never even met this girl and she is now in love with a guy she has never met? Strange....
Author BigB Posted September 17, 2005 Author Posted September 17, 2005 HUH? Whats going on here? Im very very confused! You never even met this girl and she is now in love with a guy she has never met? Strange.... indeed, very strange. I'm still confused by the whole thing. I feel very stupid for letting this happen. I've never met her in person, just web-cams, and phone calls. We talked everyday for 6 weeks. I was trying to meet her, but I think she was scared to do so. She wanted to go slow, I was letting her go slow. In the meantime without realizing it I developed stronger feelings than I wanted to. I will add though, that we'd been friends for almost a year before this happened.
lindya Posted September 17, 2005 Posted September 17, 2005 indeed, very strange. I'm still confused by the whole thing. I feel very stupid for letting this happen. It's not stupid. I think it would be terribly easy for people to get embroiled in this way via message boards, which is probably why the mods here very sensibly discourage it. It's far too easy to give out a lot of personal information about your more vulnerable aspects far too quickly. Best to avoid exposing someone you don't really know (but are romantically interested in) to the insecure parts that we all have, because doing that too soon can make them start stressing and churning up inside about the prospect of hurting you or letting you down if things don't work out. As you're now looking for a relationship, I'd urge you to get out there, meet some flesh and blood women and risk a few rejections. Once we master the art of handling rejection and moving on from it, the world becomes a far easier place to live in. Imagine a game of tennis. You hit the ball out of court, watch to see where it went, dwell on the bad shot - and, as a result, you miss the next shot too. You either give up playing tennis, or you start learning how to quickly put the bad shots behind you and focus on the next ones. Anyway...who says that a date, or any kind of interaction with someone you're attracted to, has to be the preliminary to a deep and meaningful relationship in order to qualify as a success? I think you should just organise an activity you want to do, and invite a woman you like to come along for the ride. If you both end up having fun, you might both want to do it again. You never know - a series of fun "moments" could even lead to the close, intimate relationship you'd like to eventually have. Just don't beat yourself up if it doesn't. A moment may not last very long, but it can be a moment worth having nonetheless.
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