Renae Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 I am working really hard this year on setting my standards and knowing my worth. Both are definitely things I struggle with. So I met this new guy online. He seems to have potential, nice, doesn't mind kids, attractive. Have been talking for like a month. First date we went for drinks, he picked the day I sguested a time and place. The first date went well. I went on vacation and so did he so it was 2 weeks before we saw each other again. Communication is really shotty. So 2nd date he asked me to come over to his house to cook. I say I am really excited about having a secound date, looking forward to getting to know him better, but I am not ready for a in the house date yet. I then suggested a date, time and place so he wouldn't think I was just not interested. He agreed but did kind of act off put at the date about it. Fast forward a week, he asks Thursday if I have plans for Friday. I told him I had my kids but could do Sunday. He says Sunday could work but doesn't message me back at all the rest of Thursday or Friday. Saturday he messages me a few time about the weather but doesn't mention Sunday. So at 4pm Sunday he asks if I am still interested in getting together. That he is making dinner, drinking beer, and that I shold stop over. My response was... No thanks. I made other plans. Didn't think we were for sure since you didn't name a time and I didn't hear back from you till now. I don't like tentative plans. Don't have a lot of kid free time so I like to nail stuff down. He never responded back. I wasn't too mean right? My girl frinds said I was harsh and showed that I wasn't interested at all. But really I just hate last minute plans. I felt like I was setting a standard, but now I am kinda freaking out.
d0nnivain Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 You were just fine. Perhaps I would have added a "sorry" to your message but I doubt it would change the outcome. It would have soften the delivery a tad. Write him off. He's not your guy. He can't plan & I he's a lazy dater. You are doing an excellent job enforcing your new boundaries. Good for you. 1
Versacehottie Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 I don't know about the communication part of what you said being too harsh. Maybe it was too much information for him, which equals "drama" or uptight to many guys. I don't think you did the wrong thing by not going to his place with his half-assed, last minute invite--which completely ignored what what you said initially (which seemed eloquent, and direct enough and shouldn't put off a guy who likes you and wants to date you) about not wanting a house date. So i think you were right not to go and right to say you made other plans when he didn't confirm yours. Maybe the delivery of how you reiterated that to him could have been better, more guy friendly. But not too harsh in my opinion--don't think he had the best intentions. You should probably move on and don't feel bad at all. Good luck
manfrombelow2 Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 I second this. @OP: You didn't do anything wrong. You were not too harsh. You were perfectly fine. You had the right to set your boundaries. This guy seemed like he just wants to get into your pants (forcing the house date invitation). As a guy myself, I am sorry for this guy's behaviour. Best of lucks for you OP. You sound sweet and caring. I am sure there will be more high quality guys waiting for you out there. Take care. You were just fine. Perhaps I would have added a "sorry" to your message but I doubt it would change the outcome. It would have soften the delivery a tad. Write him off. He's not your guy. He can't plan & I he's a lazy dater. You are doing an excellent job enforcing your new boundaries. Good for you.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 He never responded back. I wasn't too mean right? My girl frinds said I was harsh and showed that I wasn't interested at all. But really I just hate last minute plans. I felt like I was setting a standard, but now I am kinda freaking out. Well, why would you be interested after this anyway? Were you hoping to still see this guy? He's shown you he's not that bothered about seeing you. He told you he would let you know about Sunday, waited until that day to get in touch, and invited you to his house when you had recently stated that you didn't feel comfortable with at-home dates. My guess? He wasn't that into you, and would have been fine if you wanted to "stop over" and have a little twist in the sheets, but wasn't actually that enthused about another date so he offered something he knew you'd probably reject.
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 You weren't too harsh. He agreed to a date, but seemed to avoid suggesting time/place until the last minute. That's annoying, and annoying doesn't really have much of a place when you are first starting to date someone. It's supposed to be fun. Add in the fact that his date "plan" was just an attempt at steering you towards hanging at his home after you mentioned you weren't into that yet. A lot of people might not have texted him back at all. Some would call you generous.
smackie9 Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 I bet money on it he forgot. Tried to recover with, "hey come over for some beers, I have dinner goin..." A last ditch effort to get you in the sac most likey. This guy isn't trying to impress you, so this dude is a dud. I agree with everyone, you set your own standards, and this guy was put in his place. This guy is not relationship material. 2
basil67 Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Sorry hon, he was all about the sex. Invites you to a house date which you reasonably say No to. You also reasonably suggest another idea which he ignores. Then he invites you to his house AGAIN and with no notice. Frankly, I'm worried that your response didn't show enough lack of interest. Thing is, as you're learning new boundaries, this exactly the kind of guy you need to avoid. 1
Wallysbears Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 This guy was all about you coming to his house. You told him once NO to that...and then he brought it up again. He was a lazy dater and just hoping to get laid. Next him immediately and don't even feel bad for one second about it. 4
40somethingGuy Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) I am working really hard this year on setting my standards and knowing my worth. Both are definitely things I struggle with. So I met this new guy online. He seems to have potential, nice, doesn't mind kids, attractive. Have been talking for like a month. First date we went for drinks, he picked the day I sguested a time and place. The first date went well. I went on vacation and so did he so it was 2 weeks before we saw each other again.<snip> Well, you could have asked him on Friday if you were still on for Sunday. A simple text. What you said could then be said in person like 'in the future I really like to nail stuff down because my kid free time is limited' and left it at that. You sounded angry and text is not a good vehicle for those kinds of messages. Who knows, he may have been a great cook and you might have told your future Prince Charming to take a hike. Plus, maybe he has a nice house. You could call and ask him if he'd still be willing to have you over in the future. Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Quote truncated
basil67 Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Who knows, he may have been a great cook and you might have told your future Prince Charming to take a hike. Plus, maybe he has a nice house. You could call and ask him if he'd still be willing to have you over in the future. Except she'd already made it clear that she wasn't ready to go to his house. A fact he chose to ignore. And he also ignored her suggestion for a nice date outside his house. If she had gone and he put sexual pressure on her, it would have been the OP who gets blamed for going to his house in the first place. We can't give a man's culinary skills a chance when the onus for avoiding unwanted sexual pressure remains on our shoulders. 3
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 We can't give a man's culinary skills a chance when the onus for avoiding unwanted sexual pressure remains on our shoulders. Well said! 2
manfrombelow2 Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Beautifully said. Thank you for this beautiful demonstration of the English language. We can't give a man's culinary skills a chance when the onus for avoiding unwanted sexual pressure remains on our shoulders.
40somethingGuy Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Except she'd already made it clear that she wasn't ready to go to his house. A fact he chose to ignore. And he also ignored her suggestion for a nice date outside his house. If she had gone and he put sexual pressure on her, it would have been the OP who gets blamed for going to his house in the first place. We can't give a man's culinary skills a chance when the onus for avoiding unwanted sexual pressure remains on our shoulders. Maybe he just wanted to cook for her and show his culinary skills off. Why does everyone think sex?
elaine567 Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 Maybe he just wanted to cook for her and show his culinary skills off. Why does everyone think sex? Maybe, but he didn't listen to a word she said. He is a grown man, he knows "Come over to my house" usually means sex and she already told him she would prefer some other kind of a date. Of course some men just know what women really want, so no point in actually listening to them... 3
alphamale Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 he had a hard erection for the first two dates but now he's gone soft 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 No thanks. I made other plans. Didn't think we were for sure since you didn't name a time and I didn't hear back from you till now. I don't like tentative plans. Don't have a lot of kid free time so I like to nail stuff down. He never responded back. I wasn't too mean right? My girl frinds said I was harsh and showed that I wasn't interested at all. But really I just hate last minute plans. I felt like I was setting a standard, but now I am kinda freaking out. First off big round of applause for focusing on standards. I would love to see more of us woman do just that. Instead of being victims of bad relationships. Here is the thing. I do think it's smart for women to communicate their standards in a way that's not ball busting so to speak. Men have their egos. Heck we all do. Just got to find that balance. I think I would have said personally "sorry hun I have plans. I would love to see you soon though. Could you give me a little bit more time in advance sweetie so I can make time for you? I'd appreciate that *kissy face*. Or if you want to keep it simple say "sorry hun I have plans but I'm free to see you Wednesday if you like *kissy face*" There are standards that you do have to be firm when there is clear disrespect but when a guy does something unintentional such as ask you out last minute you could still speak your standard in a sweet way that will invite him to want to follow it Redirecting him like this when he ask you out last minute will teach him that he needs to ask you out in advance but still shows interest in wanting to see himself He either will comply, do a counter offer, or disappear. Now don't get bent out of shape if you don't hear from this guy again. Having standards will always have that risk of a guy not willing to meet it and disappear. We not trying to win over every tom dick and Harry. We want Mr Right who will stick. Just know what to say or do next time. Plenty of men out there. You will be fine
Gretchen12 Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 I wouldn't say that to a guy I still want to date. But then I wouldn't date a guy that I need to say this to. In other words, I don't date men I need to train. When you said that stuff you should already have written him off. Otherwise don't say it. 2
Author Renae Posted January 22, 2019 Author Posted January 22, 2019 Thank you all for your replies. Just to cover some things. He doesn't have culinary skills. He actually just got the crockpot and asked me to come over on the 2nd date to show him how to use it. He also doesn't text me much so i just don't feel like I know him well enough to go to his house. The first date was like 2 hr's over drinks. I agree with the lazy dater thing. I don't think he forgot about Sunday. I think he thought maybe we had confirmation and wasn't sure what he wanted to do or was just going to.try to.get me to come over. He didn't put much thought into.the first 2 dates either really. I wasn't actually mad or annoyed at all when I sent that message. I really did actually just make plans. No anger at all. My friend is back in town from a long vacation so I went over there instead. I wouldn't mind seeing him again, but I am in a place where if you can't step up I am out. If he wants to see me he will ask sooner. I gave him the total green light up until then. Offered days and times and even picked the places. I feel like women, especially myself, want to be well liked. I hate hurting people''s feelings and I always go way overboard for other people. I have very low self worth when it comes to dating and setting my standards. I make every excuse in the book for guys, they don't even have to use them I will internalize it for them. And all that has gotten me is unavailable men or men who want just sex. I feel like the right man who wants more will step up. And that my job is to set my standards and to show that I am interested in the same. 2
elaine567 Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 I feel like women, especially myself, want to be well liked. I hate hurting people''s feelings and I always go way overboard for other people. I have very low self worth when it comes to dating and setting my standards. I make every excuse in the book for guys, they don't even have to use them I will internalize it for them. And all that has gotten me is unavailable men or men who want just sex. I feel like the right man who wants more will step up. And that my job is to set my standards and to show that I am interested in the same. You are a people pleaser Google it and do some work on fixing it. Good job on this guy.
Author Renae Posted January 22, 2019 Author Posted January 22, 2019 I am a major people pleaser. I already know this. I have been googling how to be a woman of value and how to have and set standards. I seriously wasn't even sure what my standards were. Still trying to figure them out. 1
elaine567 Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 I seriously wasn't even sure what my standards were. A lot higher than some lukewarm guy who invited you over to basically cook a meal for him and have sex with him... Lucky you!
basil67 Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 Maybe he just wanted to cook for her and show his culinary skills off. Why does everyone think sex? Because each and every time a woman posts here about going to a man's house early in the dating and he tries it on, she's told by posters here that it was a mistake to go there if she wasn't up for it. I would like to think that a woman could go to man's house early on and neither have expectation of sex, but it doesn't seem to operate that way in real life.
Versacehottie Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 I am a major people pleaser. I already know this. I have been googling how to be a woman of value and how to have and set standards. I seriously wasn't even sure what my standards were. Still trying to figure them out. Idk, i think you could start with the fact that he IGNORED what you said about not being comfortable with a home date at his place and tried to get you there again (while being lazy about it--which it's a pretty lazy 2nd date even if one IS comfortable!). Doesn't really matter what his intentions were (smart not to make guys evil or the enemy, maybe he's just clueless and lame) just that he doesn't meet what you want with that invite and bad communication. If he comes back with something different you could hear him out but the ball is totally in his court. AND you shouldn't hold out hope being that this is how things have gone down so far. Clean slate--wait for better behavior from him or more likely someone else. He sounds lame because if he did have better intentions and was worried once he realized there was a "miscommunication", he would try to fix it or explain--like you did with your explanation. He hasn't replied, right? So while you can't be sure of what his intentions were or what type of person he is, it's leaning toward not good. And that should be a no go for you. Good luck
Gretchen12 Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 I would like to think that a woman could go to man's house early on and neither have expectation of sex, but it doesn't seem to operate that way in real life. Me too. When I tried online dating, if there is to be a second date I always prefer it to be at his house. I don't want sex I want to see where he lives. I want to know the address, what pictures he has on his walls, what books he reads (and whether he has a bookshelf), but I don't snoop in the medicine cabinet although I really want to, I don't do it, haha. 1
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