How to proceed after first date sex

[BJP1991]

Furthermore, stop adhering to gender roles and the stereotype that if a woman sleeps with you on the first date, she will automatically assume she has “no worth” if the man doesn’t contact her to validate what she did by sleeping with him early on. What happened to everyone making decisions for themselves and doing what makes them happy?

 

For all you know, she’s just looking for the same thing I am, and maybe she didn’t care if I reached out,

 

To close this out: she’s coming over for dinner in a few days. Those who think that is a “relationship-y” move are just making more unnecessary assumptions. Saving money on a home cooked meal and a bottle of wine is nowhere near as “relationship-y” as taking her out somewhere for a dinner date.

Edited January 22, 2019 by BJP1991

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

To close this out: she’s coming over for dinner in a few days. Those who think that is a “relationship-y” move are just making more unnecessary assumptions. Saving money on a home cooked meal and a bottle of wine is nowhere near as “relationship-y” as taking her out somewhere for a dinner date.

 

So what you're saying is NOT waiting to ask her out again worked out well for you?

[d0nnivain]

Furthermore, stop adhering to gender roles and the stereotype that if a woman sleeps with you on the first date, she will automatically assume she has “no worth” if the man doesn’t contact her to validate what she did by sleeping with him early on. What happened to everyone making decisions for themselves and doing what makes them happy?

 

For all you know, she’s just looking for the same thing I am, and maybe she didn’t care if I reached out,

 

To close this out: she’s coming over for dinner in a few days. Those who think that is a “relationship-y” move are just making more unnecessary assumptions. Saving money on a home cooked meal and a bottle of wine is nowhere near as “relationship-y” as taking her out somewhere for a dinner date.

 

 

I'm glad you too reconnected.

 

It's probably because I'm old enough to be your mom, but home cooked seems more relationship-y to me then a restaurant. Yes, the restaurant is more expensive but having somebody in your home for dinner plus whatever "dessert" turns out to be, including another sleep over. . . that feels way more intimate to me then going to a restaurant, coming back, stumbling around in the dark, then going home afterwards.

 

If you are happy, I'm happy. I'm all sorted in my relationship. You have to do what works for you but since you want to have lots of women in your life, be careful that your behaviors are not signaling something you are unaware of.

[BJP1991]

So what you're saying is NOT waiting to ask her out again worked out well for you?

 

Only time will tell. Honestly I don’t think it would have mattered at all, assuming her interest level is above a 7/10. I just find I interesting that literally every male within my demographic I have spoken to gives me the opposite advice compared to you and the others in this thread. As mentioned like a thousand times now, from my own experience, it never helps (even if they agree to a second date) to contact within 24 hours like you harped on and on about doing.

 

Perhaps her interest level is much higher than I thought, maybe it’s an 8.5-9, which means I could probably have contacted her anytime I wanted. Again, only time will tell.

 

I understand your incessant need to recommend following up as soon as possible after a hookup one a first date, because it’s what you would want to hear, so you can feel validated. I personally don’t care about validating anybody - it only serves to lower attraction. It’s a researched and proven fact that women are most attracted to men who’s feelings are unclear. This is proven in the fact that you want that validation and recommend I gave it to her as soon as possible...

[BJP1991]

<snip>If you are happy, I'm happy. I'm all sorted in my relationship. You have to do what works for you but since you want to have lots of women in your life, be careful that your behaviors are not signaling something you are unaware of.

 

 

Thank you for your input and kind words. If anyone is disheartened by this thread, reference the part of my original post, looking for both sides of the coin. This user gave me exactly that.

Edited January 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I take offence from your glaring assumption. Pampering a woman and giving her too much validation early on only serves to lower her interest level.<snip>

 

Who said anything about pampering? I never suggested you pamper her right out of the gate.

 

Giving her validation right out of the gate? Um, why is this wrong? What's the opposite of that....making her feel UNvalidated? Why is this good again? I mean for her....why would that be good for her? Do you mean it's good for you and your goals....she keeps coming back for "validation"...from you? This line of thinking makes me so nervous for my nearly 18 year old daughter.

Edited January 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[CautiouslyOptimistic]

<snip>

I understand your incessant need to recommend following up as soon as possible after a hookup one a first date, because it’s what you would want to hear, so you can feel validated. I personally don’t care about validating anybody - it only serves to lower attraction. It’s a researched and proven fact that women are most attracted to men who’s feelings are unclear. This is proven in the fact that you want that validation and recommend I gave it to her as soon as possible...

 

Please point me to a post I made that said you should contact her within 24 hours, thanks.

 

As far as validation....I covered that in my prior post. Making sure a woman does NOT feel validated is disrespecting that woman. Period. I feel sorry for her because she's probably clueless about how much thought is going into making sure she does not feel validated. She's a human being. I mean c'mon....it's human decency! Isn't it?

Edited January 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

Thank you for your input and kind words. If anyone is disheartened by this thread, reference the part of my original post, looking for both sides of the coin. This user gave me exactly that.

 

I gave you some grief too.

 

Lighten up a little on CautiouslyOptimistic. She's a good person.

 

Hang around LS & you will find women who wonder why the guy didn't get back in touch after the 1st date sex & some judgmental men who talk about women being unworthy after 1st date sex. They conveniently forget that they had sex too. the double standard is maddening.

 

You are not being that guy but I think many of us were cautioning you about what the women in question might be feeling -- potentially undervalued by a lack of contact. Based on your experience of not wanting to appear too eager because that never works out, I had suggested a middle ground . . you say something the next day to reduce any stress she may have felt if she was seconding guessing her adult free will decision to have sex. I did agree that appearing overly eager is not helpful so I said you could wait a day or two for the ask.

 

Now you have a date, which is a good thing. Again, though, the location gives me pause. You can't schedule something else at this point because that looks even worse, but while you see the lack of an financial outlay as showing lower interest understand the other perspective that letting her into you inner sanctum -- your home -- this early could be perceived as higher interest because like I said, I see that as more intimate.

 

Everybody is different. Just be true to yourself & it should all be good.

[BJP1991]

This line of thinking makes me so nervous for my nearly 18 year old daughter.

 

Next time just lead with this so I don’t have to waste any of my time considering your suggestions. Dating has changed a TON for the 18-30 demographic with the advent of texting as a primary form of communication and swipe-culture

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Nothing against texting or swiping here! I hate phone calls. But texting and swiping has nothing to do with respecting women. I hope that never goes out of style.

[Curiousroxy86]

Lmao not going to lie OP I read your original post all wrong. I was the one who did assume that you really liked this girl for more than sex. My post was based off this thought. Oh well can't undo it now but in my opinion if a girl likes a guy it really doesn't matter how quickly he follows up *shrugs*.

[BJP1991]

Lmao not going to lie OP I read your original post all wrong. I was the one who did assume that you really liked this girl for more than sex. My post was based off this thought. Oh well can't undo it now but in my opinion if a girl likes a guy it really doesn't matter how quickly he follows up *shrugs*.

 

Agreed. It does not matter.

[frus69]

Im late to the game lol but I just want to tell all men that please dont follow the stupid "wait for xxx days" rule. I'd love to hear from them even right after the date that they had a good night, especially after sex.

 

I'd say if you really like the girl, tell her straight away, even lock down the next date if you want. Because if you wait, it wont increase her interest level, if anything it's the opposite:she will think you are mildly interested at best and move on to other guys who are super interested, especially if she's desirable.

 

If you are seeing other girls though, I guess it's whatever. You arent afraid of losing her anyway then.

[BJP1991]

Im late to the game lol but I just want to tell all men that please dont follow the stupid "wait for xxx days" rule. I'd love to hear from them even right after the date that they had a good night, especially after sex.

 

I'd say if you really like the girl, tell her straight away, even lock down the next date if you want. Because if you wait, it wont increase her interest level, if anything it's the opposite:she will think you are mildly interested at best and move on to other guys who are super interested, especially if she's desirable.

 

If you are seeing other girls though, I guess it's whatever. You arent afraid of losing her anyway then.

 

I firmly believe you are only correct if the girl is looking for a boyfriend. Usually if a girl hooks up on the first date, that is not the case.

 

That being said, my last 2 LTRs all started with a hookup on the first night. Perhaps it is just a sign that something “more” is actually there

[frus69]

I firmly believe you are only correct if the girl is looking for a boyfriend. Usually if a girl hooks up on the first date, that is not the case.

 

Not sure I follow. Are you saying if she hooks up with you first date then she's not looking for a BF, and you don't need to follow up promptly?

[damni]

Next time just lead with this so I don’t have to waste any of my time considering your suggestions. Dating has changed a TON for the 18-30 demographic with the advent of texting as a primary form of communication and swipe-culture

 

Well as a woman in that demographic dating has changed a lot in a short amount of time, but it is easy to weed out the 'rulebook guys' who are just looking to get laid.

 

These guys don't put much effort in, they are hot and cold, they are the ones rarely contacting you etc...it is best to cut these guys off as quick as you can so you can free yourself to find a decent guy.

[BaileyB]

Well as a woman in that demographic dating has changed a lot in a short amount of time, but it is easy to weed out the 'rulebook guys' who are just looking to get laid.

 

These guys don't put much effort in, they are hot and cold, they are the ones rarely contacting you etc...it is best to cut these guys off as quick as you can so you can free yourself to find a decent guy.

 

Amen! Thankfully, they tend to reveal themselves early so that you know not to waste your time...

[guest569]

Amen! Thankfully, they tend to reveal themselves early so that you know not to waste your time...

 

Exactly, we know what their stupid rules are and they don’t work. But hey, what would all of us women know about what we want? Apparently it’s all about what we “unconsciously” want.