Sgthaytham Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 5 years ago, I decided to effectively “ghost” this girl I was completely head over heels for. At the time I (18) thought it would be for the best. I thought it would help me move on. We never dated, but we definitely had something going on. So I sent her a text on Saturday hoping she was doing well and that I really wanted to see her. I did so without expecting a reply, but I got one, and a really long one at that. In summary, she told me that all the hurt and disappointment has come crawling back. That she was traumatised by it and it still affects her now. That she doesnt think meeting up will be the best. She also said that she likes the idea of us trying something, but is scared about the result. She’s still incredibly angry with me. This is totally understandable, but I just don’t get how she can feel this way after so long. The only reason I chose to avoid her was because I hated her, it’s because I was hurt and still have feelings for her. I know this is probably it and I will have to move on, but I struggle to understand how she’s still upset with it after so long?
Art_Critic Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Sometimes a person can feel hurt and you not realize it, we all have our own baggage. for example.. a million years ago I came to LS heartbroken over a girl who I only dated for 6 months but in the end I felt more hurt than normal because I had lost my Step Mom to cancer, Lost my Dog, both my Grandparents and was out of a marriage in the previous year so I was just tired of losing things that I felt the pain deeper than I normally would have. Leave the girl ALONE if you think you are going to ghost her again.. Personally I wouldn't do it.. but you know yourself well enough to know if you are planning on hurting her again. 1
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 21, 2019 Author Posted January 21, 2019 Sometimes a person can feel hurt and you not realize it, we all have our own baggage. for example.. a million years ago I came to LS heartbroken over a girl who I only dated for 6 months but in the end I felt more hurt than normal because I had lost my Step Mom to cancer, Lost my Dog, both my Grandparents and was out of a marriage in the previous year so I was just tired of losing things that I felt the pain deeper than I normally would have. Leave the girl ALONE if you think you are going to ghost her again.. Personally I wouldn't do it.. but you know yourself well enough to know if you are planning on hurting her again. Even though it’s been a while, it pains me to hear all that happened to you. I too have had family members pass away, and the double-grief of losing them and someone you loved and shared you life with is only too familiar with me. I’ve grown up since. I’ve come to realise how selfish and frankly cruel it was to have ghosted her. I would never hurt her again if we had a second chance. For all this time she has has been on my mind. I’ve never forgotten her or what I did. I got in touch because I still have feelings for her and I want to build a bridge. I don’t know where I can go from here. She told me in her second long message that we should “leave it at that”. I haven’t responded to it.
nolanola Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 We can't control how another person feels. One thing you can get from reading these posts on LS is that people react to things very differently. One person will move on quickly while another will stay stuck in sadness for months or even years. As Art_Critic pointed out, you also don't know what else is going on in her life that might have affected how she reacted to your ghosting. I was angry at an ex of mine for years. Granted, he treated me terribly and our relationship was so toxic, but it took me so long to get over it. When he tried to reach out, I did not answer. So at least she answered you. I think it depends on what your goals are here. When you contacted her, what did you hope to accomplish? Be friends? Date again? Or were you just wondering how she was doing and if she was still upset with you? Be honest and don't jerk her around if you're doing this for yourself. Why don't you sincerely apologize to her? A real apology (not some "I'm sorry you're angry" BS) can go a long way. She might not accept it and she might still be angry, but I think it's your best shot. At least then you can feel like you left things in as best of a place that you can and hopefully start to make up for past behavior. 2
JuneL Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 You’re not very clear about why you ghosted her.
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 21, 2019 Author Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) We can't control how another person feels. One thing you can get from reading these posts on LS is that people react to things very differently. One person will move on quickly while another will stay stuck in sadness for months or even years. As Art_Critic pointed out, you also don't know what else is going on in her life that might have affected how she reacted to your ghosting.<snip> I would like to pave the way to a reconciliation. I still have feelings for her after all this time, I simply can’t deny that. I wouldn’t want to rush into anything serious, I would just like us to enjoy our time, help rebuild the trust, apologise for how cruel I was and explain why I did it. Obviously, this all depends on whether she gets in touch again. I told her that if she changed her mind she could get in touch with me. I would really want to apologise to her in person. She deserves it. If she doesn’t want to see me or discuss it all, I’ll understand. I will move on, and never make the same mistakes again. Day after day I have moments when I think about her, how we met and how I felt. I pass the square we first met every day on the way to work. Without sounding like I’m putting her on a pedestal, she’s always been part of me. Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
burnt Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 You don't have to understand why or how it's possible for her to still feel hurt after all this time. But you should trust that she is telling you the truth about how your actions have changed her. Yes, sometimes we go through breakups that cause us pain that stay with us not just five years, but 20 30 or 40 years into our lives. Emotional pain is felt differently for different people. You are mature now and changed for the best. But she is still dealing with the aftermath of that hurt from 5 years ago. You were young and you made a mistake. It doesn't make you a terrible person. But do trust what she is saying: she is not exaggerating the effect. And most likely all her other relationships one way or another also got affected by how your actions affected her. The best you can do now are: (1) Do sincerely apologize to her and acknowledge your mistake. That is the only solace she can get. Say goodbye in peace and let her heal. (2) Learn from this and in the future do reflect on how you treat others because every pain you cause may possibly stay with that person much longer than you can imagine. 2
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 21, 2019 Author Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) <snip> The best you can do now are: (1) Do sincerely apologize to her and acknowledge your mistake. That is the only solace she can get. Say goodbye in peace and let her heal. (2) Learn from this and in the future do reflect on how you treat others because every pain you cause may possibly stay with that person much longer than you can imagine. I do trust her, and I know she meant every word. Thanks for your post. She did tell me how it has affected her personally and the relationships she’s had since. I never meant to hurt her the way I have. I do hope that someday we can get move forward. Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 1
BC1980 Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Ghosting does mess with your head. Years ago, I was ghosted by a guy after several months, and it really stung. It took me awhile to get over it. He just dropped off the face of the earth. It was a very weird and hurtful experience. 1
nolanola Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) I would like to pave the way to a reconciliation. I still have feelings for her after all this time, I simply can’t deny that. I wouldn’t want to rush into anything serious, I would just like us to enjoy our time, help rebuild the trust, apologise for how cruel I was and explain why I did it. Obviously, this all depends on whether she gets in touch again. I told her that if she changed her mind she could get in touch with me. I would really want to apologize to her in person. She deserves it. If she doesn’t want to see me or discuss it all, I’ll understand. I will move on, and never make the same mistakes again. Question for you: have you apologized to her? A real apology? That, I think, is the first step. Without that, you're not getting anywhere. To me, a real apology involves admitting what you did and that it was wrong, acknowledging how you hurt the other person and taking ownership of that, and saying what you've learned and would do differently. I think it says a lot about you that you recognize that your actions were wrong and are willing to try to work on them. Some people never get there and just blame others. My best friend was ghosted many years ago, before it was really a thing. She was involved with this man for about a year (he was her first real love) and they had plans to move to Costa Rica together. Then one day he just up and disappeared. They were temporarily living in separate cities so it wasn't as easy as just going to his house. She called, emailed, wrote letters, even to his family. We thought he was dead or something. Then she got in touch with a private detective and he told her that he could probably find the guy but that she likely wouldn't like what he found out. To say she was devastated is an understatement. That was probably about 20 years ago and it has significantly influenced her life. Ghosting is just incredibly cruel. That said, you've done something that a lot of ghosters don't ever do: you reached back out. And it sounds like you're willing to take responsibility for your actions. In fact, just hearing that you've thought of this woman over the years makes me feel better that all ghosters aren't just heartless a-holes. All you can do is try. If she won't meet you in person, you can try writing her a letter. Just apologize and say that you'd like to have her in your life again. From there it's up to her as to whether she will accept your apology or want to be in your life again. Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate/fix quote
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 21, 2019 Author Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) Question for you: have you apologized to her? A real apology?<snip> It was never out of spite or malice. I never, ever meant to hurt her or make her feel bad. I feel that a real apology would only be possible in person. I really, really hope that some day she can forgive me, or even just reach out. Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Repair/truncate quote
Simple Logic Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 If I had been her I would have just sent GFYS.
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 21, 2019 Author Posted January 21, 2019 If I had been her I would have just sent GFYS. Well at least she’s mature enough not to.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 OP, why did you decide to reach out now? After 5 years, something must have prompted you to want to contact her. I see in your previous thread that you had a girlfriend as recently as August. I am gathering you're no longer together, but are you reaching into your past because you're lonely after a break-up? In any case, to answer your questions in this thread: You left a bad impression ghosting her, and that's what lingers in her mind. When she thinks of you, she is reminded of someone who hurt her, and that can last a long time. She might not be as angry as you think, but that still doesn't mean she'd risk going out with you again. Also, after 5 years, she has probably lost the interest and desire she once felt for you anyway. Just leave her be now.
manfrombelow2 Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Women are emotional creatures. When she saw you reaching back, she also saw and felt the pain that associated with you 5 years ago when you ghosted her. In short: In her unconscious mind, you are now associated with pain and hurt, all negative feelings. Everytime she sees you now, she feels all the pain and hurt again. You should not try to change her mind, but you should try to change her feelings about you. From my experience, no human being has ever succeeded in changing a woman's feelings.
Rayce Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Women are emotional creatures. Dude... we are human beings not creatures. 1
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 21, 2019 Author Posted January 21, 2019 OP, why did you decide to reach out now? After 5 years, something must have prompted you to want to contact her. I see in your previous thread that you had a girlfriend as recently as August. I am gathering you're no longer together, but are you reaching into your past because you're lonely after a break-up? In any case, to answer your questions in this thread: You left a bad impression ghosting her, and that's what lingers in her mind. When she thinks of you, she is reminded of someone who hurt her, and that can last a long time. She might not be as angry as you think, but that still doesn't mean she'd risk going out with you again. Also, after 5 years, she has probably lost the interest and desire she once felt for you anyway. Just leave her be now. I broke up with her two months ago. I couldn’t be with someone knowing how I still felt about this girl. I couldn’t string her along.
Beachead Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) Oh man. Why did you ghost her? Something to keep in mind is we can affect the people around us who care about us, by the way we treat them and whether we like it or not, do own a stake in their well-being. That applies to any kind of relationship (Familial, friendship, romantic etc.). I hope you don't do something like that again. Ghosting is traumatic. Especially if that person trusted you. I can confidently tell you that she blamed herself for a long time and had to accept whatever it was she convinced herself was the reason you left, without ever really having the actual reason. People carry the damage of that and the fear of it happening again into new friendships and relationships. You may have grown up and are good and ready to come back..but she remembers it like yesterday, and is conflicted. For now, you've done all you can do and now. Give her some time to make sense of all this. If she doesn't respond to you, I would let it be. - Beach Edited January 22, 2019 by Beachead
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 22, 2019 Author Posted January 22, 2019 Oh man. Why did you ghost her? Something to keep in mind is we can affect the people around us who care about us, by the way we treat them and whether we like it or not, do own a stake in their well-being. That applies to any kind of relationship (Familial, friendship, romantic etc.). I hope you don't do something like that again. Ghosting is traumatic. Especially if that person trusted you. I can confidently tell you that she blamed herself for a long time and had to accept whatever it was she convinced herself was the reason you left, without ever really having the actual reason. People carry the damage of that and the fear of it happening again into new friendships and relationships. You may have grown up and are good and ready to come back..but she remembers it like yesterday, and is conflicted. For now, you've done all you can do and now. Give her some time to make sense of all this. If she doesn't respond to you, I would let it be. - Beach It’s hard to remember exactly why I ghosted her. I guess I couldn’t handle the distance any more, that I was frustrated I couldnt get what I wanted, etc... I was an idiot. I wasn’t rational. At the very least I should have told her why. If what you say is true, I hate myself for putting her through it. It pains me to know how badly it affected her. She did tell me that it influenced her relationships after me, though we were never officially together. She said that it still affects her now. I guess if she is conflicted, I may have a chance to salvage it. I will give her all the time and space to think it through, and, like you said, if she doesnt get in touch herself, I will leave it be.
goth-gal Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 (edited) I read the window for ghosting someone closes after the third date. After 3 dates you cannot just poof - it’s hurtful and cruel. I’ve just been ghosted for the first time 10 days ago. It’s hard to stop thinking about it and it stings like hell as it doesn’t make much sense. I do ghost sometimes if I didn’t like someone on a first or even second date, but after 3 dates you kinda know the person and it becomes cruel to do so. I can tell it’ll take me a while to recover from this, it just messed with my head, and my heart which was open again after a good while, had just closed and I won’t be trusting anyone soon. I feel jaded because of this short experience and I feel no one can be trusted with my heart soon. People should think before doing this. A simple “hey I’m not really feeling it, I don’t see us working long term but it was good knowing you and I wish you good luck” is better than disappearing. Your girl probably went through hell and back wondering WHY you poofed. It’s traumatic specially if you see a potential future together. I think she’s right to refuse meeting. I really miss my ghost but I’m pretty sure if he comes back I’ll never trust him again nor give him a chance. It’s hard to forget the pain. Should have thought about that before treating another human being like their feelings don’t matter. Edited January 22, 2019 by goth-gal
Author Sgthaytham Posted January 22, 2019 Author Posted January 22, 2019 (edited) I read the window for ghosting someone closes after the third date. After 3 dates you cannot just poof - it’s hurtful and cruel<snip> I know now that I should’ve said something. I regret it so much. Maybe she needs some time to think it through, and maybe (more likely) I will never hear from her again. I just wanted to open the door, and let her know it’s open if she ever decides to change her mind. Edited January 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote and fix spacing
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