BonneChatte Posted September 17, 2005 Posted September 17, 2005 I am a girl in my early 20s and my co-worker who I think may have a crush on me is in his early 40s. My question is based on the following details, does he have feelings for me or am I reading too much into things? 1. I've been working with this company for almost a year now. But, as of the past month and half he comes to my office or calls me almost everyday to just chat. 2. He's asked me to lunch both with a group and alone, once each, and says he'd like us to go out to lunch again soon. 3. He asked me to dog sit for him for about 2 weeks...and since he realized (through my comments to other co-workers) that I love dogs, he's given me his key again to dog-sit because he'll be gone for the weekend. 4. He gave me a thoughtful (yet not-expensive) thank you gift for watching his dog. 5. He asked me to a concert and dinner which he refused to let me pay my half. 6. We were recently talking about a show where a much younger woman has a crush on an older man, and he asked me what I though of the probability of them getting together. 7. He has complimented me several times on my looks and intelligence. Am I just looking at things wrong? Does he see me as more than a friend or trusted co-worker? I think I am developing feelings for him…Please help! BonneChatte
elijahBailey Posted September 17, 2005 Posted September 17, 2005 Alright, I'm gonna be brutally honest with ya.... he went thru all these troubles just cos he was lookin' for a dog-sitter :laugh: no, seriously.... I think he's into you. All the points put together gives a pretty good indication he digs you. Why don't you try asking him out for dinner or do something for the weekend. One never knows till he/she takes the initiative.
Gold Pile Posted September 17, 2005 Posted September 17, 2005 The safest way for an old guy to date much younger is to engage her in a number of innocent (dog-sit,thank-you gift, co-worker lunch) activities to see if she develops a fondness for him. Then if he thinks she might, he then invites her to activities (dinner, concert) just for the 2 of you. A safe fossil will wait for you to make it clear he has a green light. I know what a 40+ guy wants with a 20's girl.......sex. Indeed a 20's girl can get decent sex from a rusty customer like him. But a relationship? whats his history on this? what do you have in common? If he's double your age, he SHOULD have more $ than you. Add in that he invites you.....he should pay the dinner bill.
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2005 Posted September 17, 2005 Am I just looking at things wrong? Does he see me as more than a friend or trusted co-worker? I think I am developing feelings for him…Please help! I think if you want to know, come right out and have that discussion with him. Tell him how you feel and you want to know what he thinks and how he feels about you. Why not put it on out there, lay it on the line and see what happens? My only concern is how closely you two work together. Same dept or same area? That should also be brought up too. Who cares about the age thing, you're in your 20's and are old enough to decide for yourself who you want. Don't let anybody discourage you about that aspect of a possible relationship. Even if it doesn't work out, it's an experience that you won't forget.
Mary3 Posted September 18, 2005 Posted September 18, 2005 Please dont date him in the workplace. Things get sticky if something goes wrong and somebody wants or needs to quit. I would change departments before I took this next step.
Author BonneChatte Posted September 18, 2005 Author Posted September 18, 2005 Thank you to everyone who's given me advice. To answer a few questions... 1. Commonalities--I am not too sure about what we have in common yet. I do know that we both love old movies, animals, and intelligent and deep conversations 2. Work--We work for the same company, but in different departments, on different floors of the building. We are going to the above mentioned dinner and concert this week. This is the first time we've gone out together outside of working hours. Any hints on what I should expect? BonneChatte
Gold Pile Posted September 18, 2005 Posted September 18, 2005 By accepting his first outside of work invitation, you've sent him a positive signal. He might try to escalate things, but I'll bet he's a perfect gentleman this time. So you do have a few things in common. Maybe this will be a great relationship. Goodluck with it. You might want to explore his history. Is there an ex wife or kids in the picture? Does he have a decent job reflecting his 20 years in the workforce? Does he own a home? He should have accomplished certain things by now, if not, why not? As a player of sorts, I can say that it's possible for an older person to feel out what a younger one likes, then pretend to be interested in same. Thats my words of caution, but I don't think you can fake intelligent conversation.
d'Arthez Posted September 18, 2005 Posted September 18, 2005 Thats my words of caution, but I don't think you can fake intelligent conversation. Perhaps you cannot fake intelligent conversation. But he will have 20 years more of life experience. And as a result know quite a few things. For instance about legal procedures (as many people around him might have gotten into divorces, acquisition of land et cetera), the war between Iraq and Iran (as he was an adult by 1980), et cetera. And of course you will have a bit more experience with arguments pro and contra for practically all points you could discuss about. Whether it is religion, abortion, or poverty in the third world. Even if he would not be involved in these debates or issues themselves, it is not hard to run into a few people over the course of 20 years who were. BonneChatte, you are far from achieving your fullest potential, intelligence-wise (I rather think I should say wisdom-wise). And it is, would anything develop between the two of you, far from a certainty that he will be able to match your speed of increases in wisdom. Otherwise, GoldPile is spot on. Good luck.
Author BonneChatte Posted September 19, 2005 Author Posted September 19, 2005 Thanks guys! With our first "date" coming up this weekend...any advice? This is the first time I've gone out with anyone more than 6 years older than me. How does a "typical" 40s guy behave on a date with a much younger girl? Maybe that is a loaded question! BonneChatte
elijahBailey Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 aww dang, ya know what.... I just realized this is a workplace romance!! Oh no. You better have a backup plan if things don't work out cos you'll still have to see him everyday.
Outcast Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 How does a "typical" 40s guy behave There is no such thing as a 'typical' guy. And I agree that fishing off the company pier is usually a bad plan.
Topper Posted September 21, 2005 Posted September 21, 2005 What can you expect on your date? Maybe some good manners a little courtesy and good conversation. A good wine with the dinner a few bad jokes A man in his 40's should have grown out a lot of his college fret boy ways. Grown out of some but hopefully not all. You seem to be pretty bright, so I'm sure you would have already seen into a scam to just get some young ass. Truth is he may not be even thinking of the age thing. If he is as you say then most likely he sees you as woman who is interesting and charming, that happens to be younger. Have fun enjoy the evening and don't forget men in their 40's and way beyond are still men. I dealt he will push for sex but if the mood is right like any guy of any age he may make a move. Then The ball is in your court.
Kitteney Posted September 21, 2005 Posted September 21, 2005 what does a 40-something man want with a 20-something girl? hmmmm... could it be sex? typically, men in this situation are on a power trip. you may be just a lump of clay he can mold and shape into whatever he wants. i would proceed with caution. that big of a separation in age at this point in your life should be cause for concern. twenty years between a 60-something man and a 40-something woman is not as significant because both people have been around the block a time or two. whereas i'm afraid you maybe haven't made it past the white picket fence. just something to think about... i've seen it happen before and it wasn't pretty.
lost_in_chgo Posted September 21, 2005 Posted September 21, 2005 typically, men in this situation are on a power trip. you may be just a lump of clay he can mold and shape into whatever he wants. Ahh the evil older man conspiracy theory...He has a master plan that even doctor evil would envy for its sheer brilliance and diabolical complexity. More likely he's just amazed that this younger woman is showing interest. If I came across a 20-something that was interested and mature enough I'd go for it too, but not because I have some power trip that revolves around shaping her into whatever the hell I'm supposed to think she should be. But I do agree, 20 years is alot. I wouldn't expect it to work out long term.
Kitteney Posted September 21, 2005 Posted September 21, 2005 More likely he's just amazed that this younger woman is showing interest. If I came across a 20-something that was interested and mature enough I'd go for it too, but not because I have some power trip that revolves around shaping her into whatever the hell I'm supposed to think she should be. let's not forget, the way the original post described the situation, HE is the one pursuing HER. all i'm saying is proceed with caution.
lost_in_chgo Posted September 21, 2005 Posted September 21, 2005 let's not forget, the way the original post described the situation, HE is the one pursuing HER. all i'm saying is proceed with caution. understood and I agree, but also dont forget she said "I think I am developing feelings for him…Please help!"
Author BonneChatte Posted September 24, 2005 Author Posted September 24, 2005 OK...so I went out with the guy. Like I said before we work at the same place, but he told me he'd swing by my place to pick me up. The date lasted about 5 hours. Everything seemed to go ok (aside from the fact that every band I mentioned he's never heard of and vice-versa). Also, my life seems more dramatic (probably because my friends, activities, and myself are more dramatic...maybe self imposed). While he didn't let me pay for my half of the concert, (he pre-purchased the tickets...which were a little expensive) he did take me up on my offer to pay half for dinner. I thought if a date was going well, the guy would insist on paying? Also, he never really complimented me directly and only touched me a couple of times...once in a playful way (nudging me to go on stage) and then once during conversation he touched my hands. At the end of the night we exchanged thank you's, and he gave me a brief hug. Incidentally...he also needs me to dog-sit again. I'm not sure what to make of any of this! Advice, please???
elijahBailey Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 he needs a dog-sitter? I thought it went pretty well. As for the dinner, it could go either ways so don't sweat over it. You seemed to dislike the pace (or lack of) it seems. Why's that? Btw, you do have a back up plan right?
downcydeguy Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 40's dating 20's!? Although nothing is impossible, the chances of this working out are very slim. Early 20's is a very volatile age for a young woman. You're either just finishing or recently out of the "frat party every night" mentality and are trying to find yourself. You'll have a lot of brand new experiences that he's already gone through. Maybe he just wants sex. Maybe he's just lonely. If you are interested in him as a person, go to dinner with him and find out what he's all about. Good luck.
ReluctantRomeo Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 I'm not sure what to make of any of this! Advice, please??? I think he's really into you, but playing it slowly. Either because he's not sure how he feels about the age gap, or he's not sure how you feel and will react. Or he's just a gentleman. What's his previous romantic form? Heartbreaker or serious gentleman. I'm not against fishing off the company pier (thanks for the expression, Outcast), since this happens a lot in my organisation. Usually with good results. But it depends how closely you work with him. And it becomes particularly dubious with the age gap - and therefore seniority/power gap. Btw, do you speak French? Was the name a deliberate joke or just an accident?
Outcast Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 aside from the fact that every band I mentioned he's never heard of and vice-versa) And here you start to see the differences. You don't have the same life/cultural context. While he didn't let me pay for my half of the concert, (he pre-purchased the tickets...which were a little expensive) he did take me up on my offer to pay half for dinner. I thought if a date was going well, the guy would insist on paying? Not any more. Lots of women feel that if the man pays for everything, it's because he expects something in return. He's probably gotten grief from women who aren't 'old-fashioned' so knows better than to protest if one offers to share costs. and only touched me a couple of times...once in a playful way (nudging me to go on stage) and then once during conversation he touched my hands. At the end of the night we exchanged thank you's, and he gave me a brief hug. Incidentally Well, if he's in a senior position, he may worry that you might give him trouble at work unless you have sent him very clear signals. Or maybe he started to notice the major differences between you and thought better of taking the relationship farther.
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