gmaq Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 A girl I like was saying she struggled with school in the past. I tried to show I cared for her by saying "It must be difficult for you back then. It must have been hard and difficult for you.". She got angry with what I said and said she is more intelligent than me. I am not entirely sure how by caring for her she could suddenly be angry at me. I assume I word my responses badly and made her think I thought she is not intelligent so struggled at school. Around few weeks have passed now. She would sometimes say things to hurt me (relating to my intelligence). She has also become more distant and give me short responses. How should I apologize to her? (would gifts help?) Or Would apologizing make the situation worst?
frus69 Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Around few weeks have passed now. She would sometimes say things to hurt me (relating to my intelligence). She has also become more distant and give me short responses. Such revenge. I would not bother to date her because this is such a terrible trait. If I were you I'd just tell her " I didnt mean to offend you or say you are stupid" and if she's not forgiving then whatever. 1
basil67 Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 I am not sure either. She sounds like a drama queen - best to just write her off and move on. 1
Art Anderson Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 A girl I like was saying she struggled with school in the past. I tried to show I cared for her by saying "It must be difficult for you back then. It must have been hard and difficult for you.". She got angry with what I said and said she is more intelligent than me. I am not entirely sure how by caring for her she could suddenly be angry at me. I assume I word my responses badly and made her think I thought she is not intelligent so struggled at school. Around few weeks have passed now. She would sometimes say things to hurt me (relating to my intelligence). She has also become more distant and give me short responses. How should I apologize to her? (would gifts help?) Or Would apologizing make the situation worst? Don't apologize when you've said nothing wrong. That would just reinforce her bad reaction to normal conversation. But jeebus, just let this intelligence thing go, like it never came up. However, you might at an appropriate moment try compliments about how she looks, for example something specific about her clothes. If any of those "trigger" her to a bad response, you've got never ending troubles on your hands.
Sarah_Smiles Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 You didn't mean any harm, and it definitely does not seem like it is a gift giving situation here so leave it as it is considering she is deliberately trying to be mean to you now. I am sure there are much nicer girls to converse with and get to know that won't treat you this coldly. 2
smackie9 Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 You did nothing wrong. She twisted it around so she can get her drama. There are some people that get an energetic boost from being hostile/dramatic. She gets off on getting back at you to make her feel superior over you. This is immature abusive behavior. Stop being her doormat, be a man and send her to the curb. That will send a message that you are not going to play her game. Get rid of her. 1
PRW Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 (would gifts help?)No, that would look like a bribe. Would apologizing make the situation worst?Yes, it would only remind her of the offense.
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Around few weeks have passed now. She would sometimes say things to hurt me (relating to my intelligence). She has also become more distant and give me short responses. My narc ex would totally take what I say and turn it around and make it an insult against him and would use it as a reason yell, blame, and insult. This is not okay. Some people are sensitive. And some people will misunderstand. If you apologized soon after she expressed her anger and explained what you meant then that is enough. If she is continuing to purposely try to punish you by insulting your intelligence after you already apologized and explained that your intentions was not to insult her intelligence but to show care then you need to let that girl go and ignore her contact. Don't explain. And for God sakes don't give her a gift. Your only teaching her that it's okay to abuse you.
ChatroomHero Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Honestly, she insulted you. I wouldn't be sniffing around for forgiveness from someone that owes you an apology. 2
Kelliousme Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 DON'T apologize. You did nothing wrong at all. Any normal person wouldn't interpret it the way she did. If she can get mad over something like this.. can you imagine what it will be like if you do go out with her. Heck I can already imagine her getting mad at you for having two arms. Seriously though, you think you have to apologize? Even when she is constantly hurting you verbally and emotionally? That's abuse. I have no idea why you like her but you should treat yourself better. Tell this girl she's crazy and drop her. 2
d0nnivain Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 No gifts. She has chosen to distance herself from you. Let her. If you find yourself in her company again & she seems to still be annoyed at you, say something along the lines of "Remember when you told me that you struggled in school? I was trying to offer empathy when I said it must have been difficult. I didn't mean to insult you & I do think you are intelligent. I simply acknowledge that different people have different strengths. School doesn't always measure that because tests & grades are only one rigid thing. I'm truly sorry if you thought I was demeaning you. That was not my intention at all." Then let your emotional intelligence speak for you by not saying anything else & quietly assessing her reaction to your apology. Do not chase her to give her the apology. Do not text her about it. Only offer it in person if you bump into her & she's still giving you a frosty reception. Otherwise just let it be. 1
BaileyB Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Honestly, what you said was not bad. It may have perhaps, hit a nerve for her and that’s why she felt insulted. The spiteful comments in return are not ok. If she is an intelligent girl, she should know that this kind of passive aggressive behavior is not acceptable. She should understand that people say things they regret sometimes, and offer forgiveness instead of punishment. You are probably best to move on from this one... sorry. 1
Versacehottie Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 wait you need to apologize when she basically in turn from a miscommunication outright insulted you??!! by saying she was smarter than you. First of all, i don't think you should. Second of all, stop putting her on a pedestal; it sounds like she is treating you like a doormat and you are game for it. Third of all, i wouldn't want to be with someone that ACTUALLY believed they were smarter than me. I think the healthy thing might be to understand that each has smart traits which might be different but that you compliment each other--otherwise what is the point. Some of the smartest people i know from school did not equate to success in the real world and some of the less book smart ones have done amazing. Street smarts and emotionally smarts are very valuable. So her argument is bullsh*t anyway. 1
Gretchen12 Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Look, I wouldn't have said what you did. I'd probably have just asked her what subjects she was good at. Some people do struggle and they do feel dumber than the other kids. To be honest, some kids are slower while others are quicker to learn. Some of those slow kids would then blame the teacher, blame the school, blame the system. I don't support that kind of attitude. It does not lead to success. It's better to focus on one's strengths. She confided in you her insecurity about her intelligence. For some people it really is a source of pain. When you see other strengths in her (eg creativity, musical talent, etc.) make a remark about it, sincerely of course. A separate issue is her vindictiveness. But you didn't really ask about that. Just know that she is still hurt, and may not get over it.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 You didn't insult her. She felt insulted. Those are two entirely different things. She's way over-reacting ... which is a red flag. Leave her alone. Next time, instead of going for sympathy ... just ask more questions ... When did you struggle? ... What classes? ... Was it hard? ... Was something going on in your life? ... Use her reveal to find out more ... People love when we ask interested questions. No need to get to sympathy. You're on a date. Your job is not to sympathize ... Your job is to find out if this person is worth dating. 3
Hopeful30 Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Why are you taking responsibility for her insecurities? You meant no harm, and if she can't see past that, why would you pursue a relationship? God forbid you tell her that you're "there for her" and she gets all "i'm an independent woman who can do it myself!" This is a precursor to how she will handle things. Are you sure you want to keep going? 1
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