losangelena Posted January 20, 2019 Posted January 20, 2019 I’m wondering why you made he and his roommate meals and did laundry? You barely know each other—you’re not his gf or his wife. This is all too much trouble, especially for something this long distance with someone who has told you unequivocally that he cannot give you what you want. For the record, I too think that newer generations of soldiers are exposed to much higher stress combat situations than those of earlier generations. A veteran sniper who served four tours? Where? Iraq? Afghanistan? As far as I know, those battlefields didn’t really have traditional fronts.
major_merrick Posted January 20, 2019 Posted January 20, 2019 My husband has some similarity to the guy in the OP. Not from military service, but from violence we survived when we were younger. Keep in mind, the guy in the OP may not be only stressed out by what happened in the military - there may be other background as well. You have a choice - accept the guy as he is, or move on. PTSD does not resolve itself except sometimes over a long period of time it may get a bit better. He's having trouble dealing with "normal" life, which is reflected in his comment about going back on another tour. It is where he feels like he is accepted and his skills are useful. There are many times where to survive a bad place or to deal with a bad job, you have to turn off your emotions. You don't get attached. It creates a crazy state of mind where you can act with cold ruthlessness that shocks people, but later on you might have an emotional breakdown when turning off your emotions fails and you reflect on what you did. Sometimes you want to talk about it, and other times you can't. My husband can be like this. I can relate to him (and so can his other partners) because we share some aspect of the same pain. When he gets up in the middle of the night repeatedly to check the house and make sure the doors are locked, I understand why. When it wants to talk about what bothers him but can't find the words to express himself and gets frustrated, I get it. Not everybody can. Nightmares are a struggle. I think PTSD makes them more vivid, and can even bring out issues during the daytime. For example, my husband is sensitive to sudden, loud noises. He's aware of his sensitivities and consciously works against them, but sometimes things happen. For example, we were out shopping last July 4th when someone threw a couple of loud firecrackers in the parking lot near us. His instinct was to immediately take cover between vehicles and drag me along with him. Where we grew up, that was the right decision. Where we are now....a little excessive. As for the dog - I wonder if he grew up on a farm? My husband and I live out in the country, and a dog that chases livestock would be shot immediately. Giving a warning shot is considered a courtesy if it belongs to someone you know. Same thing for dogs that bite. I've seen my husband shoot stray dogs, and it doesn't bother me....he's dealing with a threat. Only you can figure out if you can deal with your guy's issues. Most people can't. He seems aware of his limitations, and that's partly why he doesn't seem very affectionate toward you. He doesn't want to get involved in case you leave, and he doesn't want you to bond if you will only find out later that you can't stay. 1
preraph Posted January 20, 2019 Posted January 20, 2019 I hope they report him for shooting off his firearm at a dog, personally. That's uncalled for. Those horses can do a LOT more harm to that dog than that dog can do to a horse. One swift kick is all it takes and the horses will if they really don't like it.
PRW Posted January 20, 2019 Posted January 20, 2019 Awesome. Very well put, all the way through it. For example, my husband is sensitive to sudden, loud noises. He's aware of his sensitivities and consciously works against them, but sometimes things happen. For example, we were out shopping last July 4th when someone threw a couple of loud firecrackers in the parking lot near us. His instinct was to immediately take cover between vehicles and drag me along with him.My grandfather, from WWII, European Theater, to the day he died had a hard time with the 4th of July exactly as you describe.Only you can figure out if you can deal with your guy's issues. Most people can't. He seems aware of his limitations, and that's partly why he doesn't seem very affectionate toward you. He doesn't want to get involved in case you leave, and he doesn't want you to bond if you will only find out later that you can't stay.Exactly my interpretation. He was completely honest with her. Personally I don't think it would work between the two. A guy like him needs a more "tough chick", a woman who is very self-sufficient, secure in herself and emotionally tough & solid. Anyone less than that would simply drive him insane, they would be too needy and emotionally high maintenance,...relative to what his personal make up is like.
PRW Posted January 20, 2019 Posted January 20, 2019 Harsh words, but probably need to hear them. Yes. He missed the dog intentionally.Ah Ha! I suspected he did it on purpose. I think part of military training is that you don't kill needlessly. I think I know this guy pretty well, and I like him. Anyway, not trying to be harsh on the other stuff,...just realistic. He may need to be with a woman who is a little more "tough" like he is. I can tell you that the worst thing you can say to a guy like that is,...a simple phrase,..."What's wrong?" Hearing someone ask you that over and over will push every button that does not need to be pushed. I know it does that to me, and I am no where as extreme a case as he probably is. If something is wrong (which there probably isn't), and I think it is important enough to talk about,...I'll tell you about it myself,...otherwise it is fingernails on a chalkboard.
major_merrick Posted January 20, 2019 Posted January 20, 2019 I hope they report him for shooting off his firearm at a dog, personally. That's uncalled for. Those horses can do a LOT more harm to that dog than that dog can do to a horse. One swift kick is all it takes and the horses will if they really don't like it. True. However, in many places like where I live, a dog "worrying" livestock is also an offense. It completely depends on the situation and location, and the OP doesn't give details on that. Around here, if a dog was chasing cattle or horses and the dog's owner called the cops to complain that their dog was shot at, the cops would laugh. Like PRW says, I'm thinking a relationship between these two wouldn't work. For me, my husband, and our other partners, our shared experiences and issues became part of what bonds us together. We can help each other deal with the past because we understand it, so it isn't as strange to us when the nightmares happen or when there's odd behaviors.
major_merrick Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 One other thought - perhaps this guy also has trust issues...as in he sees trust differently due to his experiences. Lots of people trust too easily. People who have been in bad places and survived due to trust they placed in people who were with them set the bar higher. To trust someone means less to say "I like you and we have common ground" than it means "I care for you and I am committed to your survival and you're committed to mine." When you see it that way, having sex on Date 1 is odd, and committing to someone quickly and feeling OK about that is unthinkable. Trust comes from proof. It may not be fair, but in the back of his mind he doesn't have proof yet. Again, in my experience, it is the "trust under fire" that bonds people together closer than anything else. My husband put himself in harm's way for me when we were younger. I've got the physical proof of it, and it means a lot. I trust him in a way I don't trust other people, and that is the basis of our relationship. If you really want a relationship with this guy, you might have conversations about values. Ask him what trust means to him, or to describe comradeship and how he wants to interact with a partner. These things are huge to men in general, but to military men specifically.
PRW Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Around here, if a dog was chasing cattle or horses and the dog's owner called the cops to complain that their dog was shot at, the cops would laugh.Or the cops would shoot the dog, write the owner a notice to appear in court,...and maybe charge the owner for the bullet :-)
olivetree Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) I was really hoping you'd take the advice not to send the letter. It's way over the top for the short relationship you've had and no one wants to be analyzed like that. I would prepare yourself for a not-so-positive response. I do think you two moved way too fast and got too familiar with each other for a healthy relationship to blossom even if he wasn't a veteran with issues. I think you need to look inwards and figure out why you are attracted to men that you feel the need to fix. Edited January 21, 2019 by olivetree 2
Pearl1988 Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 My husband has combat ptsd and I know a lot of spouses of people with combat ptsd and some people with combat ptsd. Actually to me this doesn’t sound like combat ptsd at all. My guy is very interested in cuddling, petting and things like this:love: and a lot of combat ptsd sufferers are. I know because I talked to their wifes. Of course there are also ptsd sufferers who hate sex or show no interest in it, but this is not a diagnostic criterion for ptsd. I am not sure if I am allowed to link here but you can google diagnostic criteria ptsd and find a lot of info. To my mind that guy might just be opposed to sex before marriage/ might think that you should wait a while or whatever. I think it would be a really bad idea to send him a letter in which you diagnose him with all kind of things and made assumptions about what his life must be like instead of talking to him. I think it is horrible that he shot at the dog. However I think he missed it on purpose (if he served as a sniper I assume that he must be a good shot). Still, I think it is wrong what he did and for me this would be a deal breaker... and I am pretty sure my vet would never have acted like that. So, no, it is not all vets who would have done that. I guess mine would have talked to the neighbor and told him to keep the dog away from the horses.
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