Guy gets you on the hook, then pulls away. But you initiate and he says yes.

January 19, 2019

Had a post about this guy before if anyone of you cares. I was not sure about his teasing habit but he stopped now so all good.

But boy I keep having problems lol

Currently dating this guy for a month and he chased me for a good 2-3 weeks or so and he would always set up the next date in advance, making sure we hang out 2-3 times a week. I also reciprocate and dont make him feel like he's doing all the work. I initiate texting, engage in our dates and I make sure he knows I'm into him. Sounds good, right?

But 4th week in he seemed less, keen? Texted less (a day or 2 no contact)and hasn't scheduled another date for this week yet. So I talked to him about the text thing and let him know I like a little bit contact everyday. So he is making an effort to contact me every day now. Good sign? But he hasn't asked me out on another date yet. So then I asked him out, to which he said " yeah sure, when do you wanna meet?". Sounds keen right? Later on though something came up and I had to move the date to 3 weeks later. So nothing for this week again and I sort of expect him to initiate now? But still he hasn't.

So what does it mean? Will guys behave like this if they are still interested? People say if a guy likes you he will come to you, dont pursue a guy it makes him losing interest etc. etc.

I feel his behavior changed big time (from checking in with me daily to no text a whole day. From organizing dates in advance to nothing yet) but he seems oblivious? ( he was surprised when I say he texted less).

Maybe some of you think Im nuts, but I've had guys breaking up or ghosting me so I'm ultra sensitive to every little signs. And seems my intuition never fails..

I feel if I dont set up the date next week I will not see him again lol I hate being this negative but my past experience hasnt been too positive! Not sure what to do..

Edited January 19, 2019 by frus69

January 19, 2019

He may have dialed it back to assure that you were into him too. He didn't want to be totally pushy so he wanted to see if you would initiate once he backed off.

January 20, 2019

He may have dialed it back to assure that you were into him too. He didn't want to be totally pushy so he wanted to see if you would initiate once he backed off.

Hmm but he knows I'm into him, and I initiated before. See I also asked him out this time it's just the event got pushed into 3 weeks time..so I feel he should make an offer for this week

January 20, 2019

Had a post about this guy before if anyone of you cares. I was not sure about his teasing habit but he stopped now so all good.
But boy I keep having problems lol
<snip>

I dont think you should set anything up. When you have to question if a guy likes you then that's a problem. Please believe that. Guys that like you show you consistently

I read your other post and I really don't like this guy for it. I think you should drop him on that alone lol and this post really makes me think you should forget his behind. You said he stopped that teasing BS he was doing . Did he stop because you let him know? Or did he stop cause he not contacting as much?

Either way. Stop setting things up. If you going to continue interacting let him show you how much he likes you. And respond positively. Responding positively and saying yes to his advances is the only encouragement a man needs to keep asking you out. You said your afraid if you stop initiating you will never hear from him again? If you never hear from him again is all the information you need to know the guy was wrong to begin with honey so don't set anything up, let him initiate.

I hope you date other guys if your not exclusive. If he asks you out and is showing promise show enthusiasm. If he acts disrespectful drop him .

Oh and if you write another post about SOMETHING ELSE this boy does that's negative? The answer is drop him. Because that's too many red flags already and he not even your boyfriend too? No ma'am.

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and paragraphs

January 20, 2019

Sorry to say but it sounds like his backing off to me.

You know , seeing someone is all about getting to know them and what you feel about everything , them, well, if it's a relationship we're after anyway.

Sounds like you've done plenty to me , might be best to let it ride a bit now , see if he shows much interest from here . lf it slows down even more then his just not into it anymore.

But hey , he could also just be busy, you'd know more about that than us.

January 20, 2019

Later on though something came up and I had to move the date to 3 weeks later. So nothing for this week again and I sort of expect him to initiate now? But still he hasn't.

Why would he contact if you can't see him for 3 weeks? We need more details there. Why did you set up a date, then remove the offer, and now expect him to do something about it when you set up the date, withdrew for 3 weeks. Sounds like you're playing games.

January 20, 2019

I dont think you should set anything up. When you have to question if a guy likes you then that's a problem. Please believe that<snip>

He stopped teasing because I told him, i think? Now if hes talking to some woman he tells me who she is so I dont need to be jealous. Not that I demand him to do so though. And I wasn't that jealous anyway.

Yeah I keep reading that " if a guy likes you he will let you know" " you wont need to guess" "he will move mountains " . Yet I experienced moments where I was sure it was over but turned out I was overreacting.

Yeah, maybe I wont initiate this time and just let it flow.

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

January 20, 2019

Why would he contact if you can't see him for 3 weeks? We need more details there. Why did you set up a date, then remove the offer, and now expect him to do something about it when you set up the date, withdrew for 3 weeks. Sounds like you're playing games.

I invited him to an event but the event got pushed back 3 weeks. He knows the details so no game playing for sure.Not that I'm unavailable for 3 weeks.i am available to do other things and I feel its his turn to ask.

January 20, 2019

Someone telling me they can't meet for three weeks? ... I'd seriously consider that as a hint that they're not that into me ...

January 20, 2019

Someone telling me they can't meet for three weeks? ... I'd seriously consider that as a hint that they're not that into me ...

Sorry I wasn't being clear. The event I asked him to can only happen in 3 weeks but I can do other things in the meantime.

I asked "do you wanna go to xxx with me" he said " sure when do you want to go"

Then I checked the date, missed today's show so the next one is 3 weeks so I told him that. He said " shame you didnt think of it earlier. could have gone today".

So I thought he was keen to see me. I also feel it's his turn to ask me out to do something this week

Edited January 20, 2019 by frus69

January 20, 2019

I am neither defending nor condemning the man in this story. I am doing what I always do, I focus on what the OP is doing and try to give it a perspective and maybe suggest changes in the OP's behavor or perspective.

Men are not machines and they are not computers. Just because a guy does something a certain way this week (or 2-3 weeks) does not mean he is going to do that exact same thing exactly the same way for the rest of his life. Everyone puts more effort into something like this at the beginning, but when the newness wears off things slow down and take a more regular pace.

Interest level is not a "setting" plugged into a computer program and it just stays that way less someone changes it. Interest level fluctuates constantly all the time. I have had my interest level in a woman bounce all over the place within the span of an hour and half all on the same date.

If his interest level dropped,...well? What does it say? NO ONE KNOWS. Maybe it is 100% him. Maybe it is 100% the OP and she has turned him off? Maybe his interest level has not dropped but has reached a more stable non-volatile state that is not bouncing all over the place. But if the OP is behaving in a way that gives him doubts then that needs to be considered,...the guy is not a Drone,...he can think for himself and can make decisions for himself based on what he sees and interprets.

I also feel it's his turn to ask me out to do something this week

Unless this is some kind of agreement that the two of you agreed to, that you would "take turns",...how in the world is he supposed to know it is "his turn"? If he doesn't hear anything from you, then maybe he is on a web forum somewhere asking a bunch of people if they think YOU have lost interest in him and if he should "move on". Is that it?...I have no idea,...I'm just trying to make a point that there is always more to the story, and no one involved is a robot.

January 20, 2019

Hmm but he knows I'm into him, and I initiated before. See I also asked him out this time it's just the event got pushed into 3 weeks time..so I feel he should make an offer for this week

Do you think he's still trying to behave like a jerk?

January 20, 2019

Do you think he's still trying to behave like a jerk?

I cant say for sure what he's doing, I'm not him. And it's not like hes ignoring me or turning me down. Maybe he is just doing his thing and not realise I'm panicking?(When I said I'm not hearing from you as much, he was like " what are you talking about? I always reply " albeit 4 hours later... )

I'm sure if I asked, he would say yes. But I fear he may be pressured into dating me/is too nice to say no. So I want him to ask...

Sometimes I want to be strong and positive and go for what I want, but then I have people telling me " if you are in doubt hes not that into you and dont pursue anything ".

Edited January 20, 2019 by frus69

January 20, 2019

Did you offer an alternative activity?

"Hey, this event got moved three weeks out, how about we just grab a drink instead?"

It sounds like you said,

"oh sorry this event got cancelled"

Radio silence.

A girl I barely know, my initial reaction would be she's looking for a way to bail.

He's supposed to have mental telepathy to know that you actually want him to ask you out, when it sounds like you are coming up with a reason to blow him off.

Just saying. Don't listen if you don't want. But people are so flaky that would be my first thought if you did that to me.

January 20, 2019

This is not a good sign. I've actually been in this situation a couple of times. For me every time this happened, I was rejected w/an excuse of not being "ready". I think for some people, they enjoy the chase and the prospect of a new relationship, but get bored easily and need their fix. Do not initiate or chase. Stay away from him because all he will do is hurt you. When the flame is sparked that fast, it burns out quick. If a guy is being too flattering, he is love bombing you and will leave you out in the cold as soon as you develop feelings.

January 20, 2019

Did you offer an alternative activity?

"Hey, this event got moved three weeks out, how about we just grab a drink instead?"
<snip>

I said "oops, gotta wait 3 weeks then"

He said "shame. Could have gone today"

So I didnt blow him off or anything?

Noticed most guys reply that I can offer another date, no harm in that. Most women reply that hes not interested and I should not initiate anymore.

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quote truncated

January 20, 2019

When you start caring about "turns" you are shooting yourself in the foot.

You are the one who got the dates mixed up. Just because you asked about this event that is now 3 weeks in the future does not mean it's his responsibility to fill in the gap. Frankly I think it's yours.

Men get nervous & insecure too. Yes, a man who is into you will chase but if that same man thinks he's getting the cold shoulder, especially in this day & age of #MeToo a good guy will back off rather then risk being viewed as clingy or a stalker.

You are giving this man mixed signals. Clarify your position by reaching out & setting something up with him sooner then 3 weeks. You caused this miscommunication. It's incumbent upon you to straighten it out.

As to your theory about gender bias in the responses, I am a woman.

January 20, 2019

He's gone lukewarm.

Someone else has his interest, but not all of it. I get the feeling he's still hanging around because he does like you, it's just that his attention is elsewhere.

Don't ever be anyone's option.

January 20, 2019

Oh Jesus, just ask him out again. You have literally nothing to lose, and it will clear up your uncertainty real fast. That’s the source of your ick factor. If you ask him to go do something, and he says no or ignores you, well then you know he’s gone off you. If he says yes, you have further opportunity to explore compatibility.

Which, by the way, you have a hand in deciding. I’m hearing a lot of “what does he feel?” in these posts, but you have just as much power in this situation to decide whether or not to continue. Do YOU want to be with a guy like him? Is he treating you and communicating with you in a way that makes you feel comfortable? You don’t have to put up with stuff that makes you feel bad; there are other men out there who will treat you more to your liking. Stop caring so much about what he might be thinking and start focusing on how you’re feeling.

January 20, 2019

I said "oops, gotta wait 3 weeks then"
He said "shame. Could have gone today"
So I didnt blow him off or anything?

Noticed most guys reply that I can offer another date, no harm in that. Most women reply that hes not interested and I should not initiate anymore.

This is exactly why the dating scene sucks for men. Women always expect them to do all the work in planning dates, and when they don't do it in a timely manner for her, she sees a problem. You offered a date which was the right thing, but when circumstances made the date have to be cancelled, it should have been your job to try and make up for it by planning something else. This guy has not done anything wrong in this situation that I can tell. He may be an A-hole but unless you specify that I can't say otherwise.

I think what many women don't realize is that there is a fine line for men when it comes to asking for dates. Ask too much and too often you are seen as needy and clingy. Or not ask enough and you are seen as not interested. As a man who has had women cancel dates with me usually it means they are not interested. So when you cancelled the date you planned (I know it was circumstantial) it showed to him that you were just trying to find a way out, especially since you didn't give a counter-offer for this week.

January 20, 2019

I said "oops, gotta wait 3 weeks then"
He said "shame. Could have gone today"
So I didnt blow him off or anything?

Noticed most guys reply that I can offer another date, no harm in that. Most women reply that hes not interested and I should not initiate anymore.

Exactly. Why are you planning events three weeks out when you could have went out much earlier, e.g. that day.

Everything you did would make me think you were looking for a round about way to bail. That's just me.

If you really like him, ask him out again, but don't worry about events and weeks away. You shouldn't have to make things so involved at the beginning. You want to do something that allows you just to talk and hang out. Good luck

January 20, 2019

The only reason that stops me from asking him is I worry he will say yes out of courtsey. Because I know he doesnt like turning people down straightforwardly.

Im not afraid of rejection. I'm afraid he does " slowww" fade and drags me on. I'm sure of I ask he will say yes. But I'll be wondering if hes really keen because he seems lukewarm otherwise lol

Anyway I asked him,kind of indirectly. He said he'd be busy this week and I said"do you want to relax then and we wont plan anything ". He said " can see you, let's do xxx day".

So..yeah..well this is it for now..

January 20, 2019

You know what....when a man was interested, there wasn't any question about it...he put in effort 10 fold. None of this ...ok I should wait 3 days to respond, or I myself should reciprocate, or he backs off to see what I would do, etc. Interest was straight up, no guessing, good communication, couldn't wait to go out again, dates were set right away. What the hell is with people these days? I had np saying "No I'm not interested" and had the spine to drop someone that got wishy washy.

OP this guy is a dud. Move on. IMO you shouldn't have to make this much effort, or even question his interest this much. Kick to curb and invest you time in someone that wants to be with you full stop.

January 20, 2019

The only reason that stops me from asking him is I worry he will say yes out of courtsey. Because I know he doesnt like turning people down straightforwardly.
Im not afraid of rejection. I'm afraid he does " slowww" fade and drags me on. I'm sure of I ask he will say yes. But I'll be wondering if hes really keen because he seems lukewarm otherwise lol

Anyway I asked him,kind of indirectly. He said he'd be busy this week and I said"do you want to relax then and we wont plan anything ". He said " can see you, let's do xxx day".

So..yeah..well this is it for now..

I’m sure there are men who do things out of obligation, but I’ve yet to meet one that continues to see someone romantically when they’re not interested.

But, let’s say for sake of argument that he is that way, and you suspect that he’ll say yes without wanting to—again I ask, is that a man that you really want to be dating? If it’s not, then why bother? I know it’s tempting, but at the end of the day, you can’t engineer a certain outcome.

January 20, 2019

The only reason that stops me from asking him is I worry he will say yes out of courtsey. Because I know he doesnt like turning people down straightforwardly.
Im not afraid of rejection. I'm afraid he does " slowww" fade and drags me on. I'm sure of I ask he will say yes. But I'll be wondering if hes really keen because he seems lukewarm otherwise lol

Anyway I asked him,kind of indirectly. He said he'd be busy this week and I said"do you want to relax then and we wont plan anything ". He said " can see you, let's do xxx day".

So..yeah..well this is it for now..

That's a healthy fear because men will say yes to someone who ask if they don't have anything else better set up. Men will say yes to women they like and they will say yes to women that will do. For the ego boost, for cure of boredom, you name it. I know your head is spinning but I wouldn't recommend initiating if you really wanna gage his true interest.

Don't get me wrong you can ask your crush out, he says yes, and of course if he continues showing interest well great you found out that way but that means you could risk asking him out, him only saying yes when you ask him out, and never hearing from him otherwise. You found out but it feels oh so sh*tty to have put yourself out there and then found he really wasn't into you. You can really find this out without even having to put yourself out there.

The thing about choosing to be the pursuer is you just have to have the stomach for possible rejection. If you do By all means pursue away. It's just imo it's easier for women to let the man initiate because men know since the third dag on grade to get the girl he LIKES you got to ask her out. Period. He asks you out it's a no brainer. You know he is at least interested. He doesn't? It's a no brainer. He is just not that into you.

And yes some men could STILL only use you as a rebound/ego boost/cure of boredom when he initiates. You still have to read the signs of CONSISTENCY. Meaning if he keeps coming around and the relationship is escalating well you know he likes you. But the question is do you want to risk putting yourself out there to find that out. I repeat you just don't have to. All you have to do is observe and see if he keeps coming around and respond positive if he does welcoming his interest with your interest

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Guy gets you on the hook, then pulls away. But you initiate and he says yes.

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