LenaBean94 Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 So I met this guy [23] back in October. He is very attractive and I could tell he had some player vibes/gets a lot of women. At the time I didn’t know he was 23. We instantly clicked and he told me he was still in undergrad and that’s when I asked how I old he was. Despite our chemistry and attraction to one another I mentally put him the friend zone because of his age. A few weeks after meeting a told him I just wanted to be friends. He got upset and kind of wrote me off. About a week later we reconnected and I just figured we could casually see each other. I still had my reservations about his age, plus he lives two hours away and comes from a pretty strict religion despite him not being very religious himself. About 2 months into us knowing each other I essentially told him I wanted FWB to which he said, “uhhh….I’m not sure I want that” and I said okay. Despite having that conversation he was still driving 2 hours to see me every week so we continued to see each other. During all of this, he seemed to be really hung up on money. He admitted to me pretty early on that he didn’t have money and he still had about 2 more years of school left. He would ask me things like how much money I have saved (didn’t tell him), looked up my title on Glassdoor to figure out my salary, etc. I admit I have a nice apartment and live in an expensive area so I just thought the age difference and my financial status made him insecure. He would also say yea, “I know once I graduate I’ll make x amount of money”. Come month 2.5 we were talking and he said well I thought we were exclusive and I told him I had no idea that’s what we were doing. So he asked to be exclusive and I agreed. He was still making comments about money. He saw an old ring my ex had gotten me and asked if it was an engagement ring and I jokingly said yes and he said he would get me a much nicer ring than my ex ever gave me. He asked me what kind of ring I liked and I described it and he started sending me pictures of rings. Eventually, he started asking me if I thought my mom and dad would like him, what kind of things they liked, ex., my dad likes to golf and he said he would go golfing with him to “impress him”. A few days later he said after he graduates in over a year he wants to move to a different state and asked if he goes would I move with him. I said I would be able to answer that question once we crossed that bridge because it was too soon to wrap my head around. He also started making comments about our “kids”. How they would be so attractive and be perfect athletes. I thought he was just joking around so I just laughed. He started to then act a little more mushy than usual. Calling me saying how he missed me, saying how I don’t kiss him enough, how he’s always mushy with me but I’m not really with him. As I’m typing this out he sounds a little needy haha, but he’s not. Fast forward to now. About a week ago he and I were drinking. I was sitting on the couch and he just looks at me and says “can you please just kiss me, you haven’t kissed me today” and he just keeps looking at me. I blurt out “oh you’re going to fall in love with me” he shrugs and says, “yea, I know I can admit it but you can’t”. I didn’t say anything and just kind of stared at him. Two days later he was out with his friends for a birthday celebration. He calls me and he’s clearly intoxicated. He said how he missed me and was thinking about all night and how he just wanted to sleep next to me so he asked if he could come over (I have a rule about coming over late). He comes over and again keeps repeating how much he missed me then he goes off into this weird rant about being exclusive and money. Still drunk he said asked if my friends know about him and says he doesn’t want my friends judging him. I asked him what he meant by that and he said I want to take you to nice restaurants and places but I don’t have money and I don’t want them judging me for not doing those things for you. Then he brings up me moving again and then asked if I really knew what it meant to be exclusive. I said yes, but he wouldn’t let it go. He said, “no do you really understand? I’ve dated older women before but you’re the first one that makes it seem like you want something with me. So I need to know if you’re serious. I know we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend. This kind of took me back. I asked him why we aren’t and he said he wants to be with me and it won’t take longer to be together and said he’s getting my hours at work soon so he’ll be making more money. He said it’s going to happen he just needs more time. I turn to him and say (as a joke) that’s fine I don’t want to be your gf anyways. He whipped his head so quickly and said, “if you don’t want to be my girlfriend when we can just make this about sex. If that’s what you want you need to tell me now”. I said no. I took his reaction as a good sign. But now that a few days have passed I feel like his reaction and everything, to be honest, is just BS. When someone pulls the we’re exclusive but not bf/gf crap 9.9/10 they’re just waiting for something better to come along and keeping their options open. Or he just saw me as a challenge/game and just wanted me to get attached without any plans to take things seriously. Now, my first serious bf did the same thing. He said he wanted to be with me but wasn’t ready to call me his gf. Not that much long after he did and then months later he wanted to marry me and we were together for 5 years. So I know it’s not always BS, but usually, it is. Like I said I can’t help but think I’m being strung along/played and I’m thinking of calling it off. Thoughts?
stillafool Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 How old are you? What is the age difference?
Author LenaBean94 Posted January 19, 2019 Author Posted January 19, 2019 How old are you? What is the age difference? We are 4 years apart. He just turned 23 a few months before we met and I’m 27.
elaine567 Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 plus he lives two hours away and comes from a pretty strict religion despite him not being very religious himself. OK what strict religion?
Author LenaBean94 Posted January 19, 2019 Author Posted January 19, 2019 OK what strict religion? He's Muslim. He identifies as muslim but doesn't practice. However, I still had my reservations mainly because of the what if this gets serious and I have kids (since I'm 27). We talked about how we would raise our children if we ever had any.
basil67 Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 LenaBean, he must have some extraordinary powers of perception because I can't see that you want anything with him at all. You're all about teasing and complications. You've been guarded, worried about his age, offering only friends or FWB, you tease him about the fact he may fall in love with you, you're not terribly affectionate, you jokingly tell him you don't want to be his girlfriend (could you have been more thoughtless?) and you seem to have no compassion for the fact that he's worried about not being able to live up to what someone with your living standards would want in their life. He couldn't have been more obvious about his interest with you, but you've held him at arms length. If you want him as a boyfriend, start treating him with transparency and respect. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 (edited) So I met this guy [23] back in October. He is very attractive and I could tell he had some player vibes/gets a lot of women. At the time I didn’t know he was 23. We instantly clicked and he told me he was still in undergrad and that’s when I asked how I old he was. Despite our chemistry and attraction to one another I mentally put him the friend zone because of his age. <snip> Your story sounds a lot like my narc ex started out. Hard love bomb in a very similar way except he did ask for exclusivity bf gf relationship If your gut says this guy is untrustworthy then by all means trust your gut and find someone else Otherwise.... Do you want this guy to be your exclusive boyfriend? If so ask him to be clear if that's what he wants right now. If he says no or not right now then let him go. If he says yes (and your gut is not screaming no) give him a chance but keep your eyes open for actual evidence of BS. Normally I prefer the guy to make that clear without any prompting but it really does sound like y'all are both trying to get a read on each other instead of somebody just drawing a dang line in the sand and define the relationship the way you really want. I mean you seem to be okay with a fwb situation so I don't think you should get too mad if he thinks that's the type of relationship you wanted. I mean he pretty much asked you to make it clear lol. If you do decide to continue to interact just really be careful. I know people say run when you get love bombed. Because the most toxic guys use it to manipulate but I feel like regular guys can love bomb too. Just stay level headed, have fun, be booed up if you choose but don't believe his words keep looking at his actions. first sign of disrespect/manipulation/abuse ruthlessly drop him please! Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
Author LenaBean94 Posted January 20, 2019 Author Posted January 20, 2019 (edited) LenaBean, he must have some extraordinary powers of perception because I can't see that you want anything with him at all. You're all about teasing and complications. You've been guarded, worried about his age, offering only friends or FWB, you tease him about the fact he may fall in love with you, you're not terribly affectionate, you jokingly tell him you don't want to be his girlfriend (could you have been more thoughtless?) and you seem to have no compassion for the fact that he's worried about not being able to live up to what someone with your living standards would want in their life. He couldn't have been more obvious about his interest with you, but you've held him at arms length. If you want him as a boyfriend, start treating him with transparency and respect. He and I joke a lot by being sarcastic. He knew I was joking and at the time I didn't see as being thoughtless, though I can see why you're saying it came off that way. Edited January 20, 2019 by LenaBean94
Leojax Posted January 20, 2019 Posted January 20, 2019 (edited) Your story sounds a lot like my narc ex started out. Hard love bomb in a very similar way except he did ask for exclusivity bf gf relationship If your gut says this guy is untrustworthy then by all means trust your gut and find someone else <snip> But where is this guy love bombing? If anything it seems like OP is the one toying with him. She kept pushing him away from the very beginning. Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 2
elaine567 Posted January 20, 2019 Posted January 20, 2019 He's Muslim. He identifies as muslim but doesn't practice. However, I still had my reservations mainly because of the what if this gets serious and I have kids (since I'm 27). We talked about how we would raise our children if we ever had any. If his parents are very conservative they will arrange for him to marry a nice girl from a good Muslim family maybe even a young virgin from the "old country", and he will agree and no matter what you think your status is with him or even if you have kids, he will dump you in favour of appeasing his parents and his community. He may not be a practising Muslim now but he will be. It probably explains his reticence in making you his official gf, how does he explain that? Islam is a very serious religion, it is not something you want to get involved with. Walk away is my advice.
Leojax Posted January 20, 2019 Posted January 20, 2019 LenaBean, he must have some extraordinary powers of perception because I can't see that you want anything with him at all. You're all about teasing and complications. You've been guarded, worried about his age, offering only friends or FWB, you tease him about the fact he may fall in love with you, you're not terribly affectionate, you jokingly tell him you don't want to be his girlfriend (could you have been more thoughtless?) and you seem to have no compassion for the fact that he's worried about not being able to live up to what someone with your living standards would want in their life. He couldn't have been more obvious about his interest with you, but you've held him at arms length. If you want him as a boyfriend, start treating him with transparency and respect. THIS! It usually is BS. However, in this case, I think he really does want to be with you and does just needs a little more time. I'll tell you why: It kind of seems like you have been the one who's been toying with him. Telling him you just want to be friends, then fwb, and he objected all of that and still pursued you. Yea he might have been/be a player but he's young, still in undergrad (access to a lot of women), lives 2 hours away. He's driving to see you. Just wouldn't be worth the trouble to continue to pursue you. He could just find someone close by and it be much less of a headache. He drunk rants, his continuous insecurity about money, and his uncertainty about where you stand with him make him hesitant to make it official. He wants to be with you but just needs a little more time for his money and reassurance that you're as invested as him. As man when you feel like you're falling short in life, especially with money, it makes us feel inadequate. Also, his "do you know what it means to be exclusive" talk way after you two established exclusivity is very telling. He's the one that keeps bringing up y'alls future. He asked you to be exclusive, you moving with him, and brought up being exclusive again. Most of the time when guys just want their cake and eat it too they shy away from the conversation about your future. He's not. He's the only one who keeps bringing it up actually. The man is clearly falling for you. "I can admit it but you can't". That's essentially him telling you he's falling for you and also telling you he doesn't think you're as into him as he's into you. Normally I'd say ditch the dude but I think you should just give him more time. He wants to be with you. 1
Author LenaBean94 Posted January 20, 2019 Author Posted January 20, 2019 If his parents are very conservative they will arrange for him to marry a nice girl from a good Muslim family maybe even a young virgin from the "old country", and he will agree and no matter what you think your status is with him or even if you have kids, he will dump you in favour of appeasing his parents and his community. He may not be a practising Muslim now but he will be. It probably explains his reticence in making you his official gf, how does he explain that? Islam is a very serious religion, it is not something you want to get involved with. Walk away is my advice. He dated a black woman for 4 years. 16 to 20. His other Muslim best friend is dating a Latino woman and they've been dating for years.
Leojax Posted January 20, 2019 Posted January 20, 2019 (edited) If his parents are very conservative they will arrange for him to marry a nice girl from a good Muslim family maybe even a young virgin from the "old country", and he will agree and no matter what you think your status is with him or even if you have kids, he will dump you in favour of appeasing his parents and his community. He may not be a practising Muslim now but he will be. It probably explains his reticence in making you his official gf, how does he explain that? Islam is a very serious religion, it is not something you want to get involved with. Walk away is my advice. Not all Muslims arrange marriages or try to get a young "virgin" back from their home country. I don't think religion is what's holding this guy back. Now if OP were talking about him not committing to marriage this may be a different conversation. He wants to move to a different state. He could easily live a life with OP without his parent's knowledge if he wanted if religion was the issue. I have yet to read in OP's post where she makes it seems like she's as invested in this guy as he is in her. Between her lack of interest in him and his insecurity about money that's why he's hesitant. Edited January 20, 2019 by Leojax
Author LenaBean94 Posted January 20, 2019 Author Posted January 20, 2019 (edited) Your story sounds a lot like my narc ex started out. Hard love bomb in a very similar way except he did ask for exclusivity bf gf relationship If your gut says this guy is untrustworthy then by all means trust your gut and find someone else <snip> Thank you for the advice. My gut never went off that he was trying to love bomb me. In the beginning when we first met he did use cheesy lines and said things that made me roll my eyes but I just chalked that up to him trying to be smooth and impress me haha. He always brings up me "being an older woman", so I just don't think he really knows how to act lol. After he asked to be exclusive his behavior started to change in a positive way. He just became less guarded, more vulnerable, stopped trying be smooth. So his actions do align with his words. Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 1
elaine567 Posted January 20, 2019 Posted January 20, 2019 Not all Muslims arrange marriages or try to get a young "virgin" back from their home country. I said IF his parents are conservative, they may not be, but Islam is an "enveloping" religion. Whilst at university he may be relatively "free" to do as he pleases, but once graduated he may not be so free from the constraints of family, the Muslim community and his religion. 1
Mrs._December Posted January 20, 2019 Posted January 20, 2019 Personally, I think this 'player' (your words OP) purposely targets older women who are doing well financially. He's way too obsessed with what you make and what you've saved, and it's painfully clear that your standard of living is WAY above his. He's admitted to dating older women before he started dating you, so I think this is a pattern. He's always trying to get an idea of your financial situation but he uses the excuse that it's only because he's worried and wants to make sure to do 'better' than you. :rolleyes: Sorry, I don't believe it. I think he started dating you due to your financial status and I think that's why he's pushing the marriage thing. Tell him to get his degree, go out into the world and become the success story he keeps promising you he's going to be, and maybe THEN you'll consider his proposal. I think the guy is looking to be taken care of.
Author LenaBean94 Posted January 20, 2019 Author Posted January 20, 2019 (edited) Thanks. Yea he’s not proposing to me lol so I don’t think he’s trying to date me for my “money” ahaha. I’m not rich just a lot more financially stable than him. Other than cooking for him a few times I haven’t paid for anything so it’s not a sugar mama arrangement haha. Plus I’m only a few years older than him and him bringing up dating older women and what he “knows” about them makes me think he hasn’t actually dated a lot of older women. Someone who is familiar with something doesn’t need to bring it up so often. I think he just wanted to come off as experienced, but I doubt he is. Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of immediately preceding post
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