clueless_4ever Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 (edited) -----tl;dr What are some things I can do myself but should ask my man to do I haven't been in a lot of relationships. I was also raised by a single grandmother and mother. I think I am pretty independent. They have always raised me to take care of myself. But they always did everything they could to help me with anything in life. I have been dating someone really great. I always help him out with little things since I have a little more free time than him. He is very appreciative. I know that he wants to do things for me too. He asks if he can do certain things for me but somehow my instinct is to always say "it's ok I can do it myself". It has nothing to do with him. I just always solve things by myself and I never really ask for help. I think I am just not used to having someone I could depend on. What are some things I can have him help me with? Like general little everyday tasks. Or how can I open myself up and ask for help? I am all for female empowerment and am proud I've become independent. But I know I feel happy helping him and I can tell he wants to do the same for me. Edited January 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Add synopsis to top and clarify title due to word filter
preraph Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 Just stop saying no and start accepting his help and thinking him for it. 1
elaine567 Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 People tend to bond better when there is a degree of mutual "helping".
d0nnivain Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 Start with the little stuff. Ask him to open a jar or change a light bulb. Of course you can do those things yourself. It's not about relinquishing your independence but allowing him to care for you. Perhaps offer to cook dinner together or ask him to set the table. If you are undertaking a big project like painting a room, enlist his help. You can have fun together while doing those chores.
Wallysbears Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 Start as you intend to go. He is your partner, not your child. Divide chores. Help each other. Say please and thank you
Lotsgoingon Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 What you're describing is not independence ... it's distance ... and distrust. In a healthy relationship, gracefully receiving (love, favors, help) is as important as giving. Your mother and grandmother probably didn't have men around whom they could trust. And likely they got burned "counting on a man" ... and vowed never to get their hopes up by asking a man to help them. They used independence to survive. Times change. You want to use independence to thrive! True independence requires that we figure out when old family habits and family "wisdom" passed down to us ... fit and do not fit in our new circumstance. You're not being independent in blithely following their script. Their strategy doesn't apply to your situation, so it would be a mistake to adopt their coping strategy to your life now. True story: I have a relative who is a fierce feminist an an extremely well-known scholar in women's studies and gender equality. She travels the world speaking at conferences on (and against) violence against women. The @MeToo stuff? She was onto all that 25 years ago! Anyway, I once attended a reading by her when she came to my city on a book travel tour ... I approached her at the end to congratulate her on her reading and her talk. You know what she told me? She was tired, and she said she couldn't wait to get home to have a nice steak dinner cooked by her husband and let him take care of her. You see any loss of independence on her part? That's a woman with a lot of power and a partner she counted on. And yes, she definitely did the same for her husband. Anyway, start small. Think of a little favor (a real favor) he can do for you. Probably right now, you are a bit numb to ways your life can be made easier with a little help. But ask him to do something for you. There's a good chance you'll feel guilty and weird the first time. Don't worry. Keep going. Over time, you'll feel quite good. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 As someone who had to be very independent and self-directed in childhood, it took me a long time to learn to accept a man's offers of help. I'm still not great at ASKING for what I want - it feels so demanding to self-sufficient me, asking other people to do my work - but now I'll gladly accept my man's offers to open doors and jars, take out the trash, fix things around the house, do my yard work, carry the groceries and stuff, drive me places when he has time, go to the store to get me something I need, give me a massage, take me out to dinner and on fun dates. Somebody once told me that if someone offers to do something nice for you, say yes! As long as the relationship is good and there's no obligation attached, enjoy it!
central Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 It can be as simple as asking him to pick up a few things at the grocery store when he comes over. Or driving you when you have a doctor's appointment that may involve anesthesia or something that could distract you from driving safely. Maybe it's just peeling and cutting potatoes, or picking you up when you drop off your car for service. It's just little things like this that build connection and trust, and show caring and cooperation.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 True story of accepting help. I was at a meeting at my job ... Now ... one of my strengths is interacting wit people ... so this was about a class I was going to teach ... But there was a ton of paperwork and bureaucracy required for this particular class, which included multiple departments. So like 8 people are at this meeting setting up this class ... Two of the people there are women colleagues who are the most organized, fast-moving, super-competent people I've ever met. Both have executive skills off the charts. Me: my executive skills are off the charts--at the bottom end. There was a moment in the meeting when an office manager said some bureaucratic task had to be completed. Like multi-step ... phone calls to different departments, requiring different signatures and approvals ... Totally not my thing. One of the super-organized women says, "I'll be happy to do that part for you." What do I say? ... I foolishly say, "no, I can do it." But I recovered, "Did you volunteer to do this?" I asked the woman, coming to my senses. "Yes," she said again, smiling. "Thank you," I said. The point is this ... for this woman, getting the signatures and going through the levels of the bureaucracy was nothing. I think she contacted all the relevant people via iPhone before the meeting ended. For me, I would first of all have procrastinated doing this task ... and it would have absorbed all kinds of energy ... and worry ... would have taken me forever ... and taken my focus totally off the class I was gearing up to teach. Clueless, the point is ... Literally there would have been no upside to me taking on this assignment. Instead, I was able to focus on prepping for the class, which is my thing ... and the class turned out to be wonderful ... And the woman who helped me ... was proud to do this task ... as she does work like that ... and has connections across my workplace ... and this assignment just allowed her to continue building her connections. She LIKES administrative work! We all have stuff that is a pain in the rear for us to do ... that is easy for another person to do ... Start there when saying "yes" to offers of help.
Mrs._December Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 I used to do the same exact thing you're doing - doing things for him and always doing everything for myself without asking his help. You know what that leads to? After awhile, being taken completely for granted. I've done this way too many times and have seen the same results over and over and over. They just get to a point where they expect you to do everything because that's the precedent you've set. Trust me when I tell you, you DON'T want to set that precedent. 1
Hopeful30 Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 I understand where you're coming from. I come from a past where I didn't even have my parents to depend on. My mother is very mentally ill and I literally had PTSD by the time I was 5. So accepting anything from anyone has always been challenging. How can you trust someone to help when the one person who is supposed to be your guardian in life was your abuser and source of fear/pain? I think this is one of the reasons many women are single. In the West, many men don't know how to be gentlemen, so women have to learn how to do things themselves. Then, when a guy finds out you have a mortgage, make good money and can use a hammer, suddenly her feels useless. Well excuse me! If a man had offered to help when I actually didn't know these things, I wouldn't have had to learn how to do them myself. Now that I do it myself, men wonder how they can contribute. I've always struggled with this in the West. That's why I travel regularly to Europe, where men don't seem threatened by the fact that I can do something myself. Because they understand that it's not about "does she need me" but about "being there for a woman regardless." Sorry, venting here. It's frustrating when you're considered successful and attractive and then somehow it becomes your fault that you're "too good" for most men. Nonsense!
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