Do I still have a chance with her?

[jarob]

Hello,

 

I am interested in hearing advice/opinions about what my ex girlfriend is feeling and if I have a chance with her still. I have been dating her for 4 months but I was planning on marrying her.

 

Short summary of our relationship - I live in the same apartment complex as her and she works for the apartment complex. One day my car's battery died, and I called the office to get someone to help me start it. She came out and helped me get it started. From then, I was hooked on her. We became inseparable, spending everyday for the next three months practically living together(she was my literal neighbor, right next door). We had periodic arguing, but we made each other better people. It was obvious that she loved me and I loved her. Recently, she moved to another apartment in the same building and from there, it sort of went downhill. She became more distant, wanted more space, and was more irritable. So I gave her more space.

 

3 weeks ago we broke up for a day because she said she didn't know what she wanted - she loved me but there were some things she wasn't sure about. We figured it out and I made some changes. We got back together.

 

Still, I became immature, emotionally needy and irritable when she wanted to be alone and have space(immature of me I know) and I should have handled it better. We continued to spend time together like taking her dog for walks, and she was really happy when we did things together. Fast forward a week ago, when she said that she didn't know if she wanted to be with me. I sat down with her and she was cold and distant and said she didn't want to be with me anymore and that she wasn't happy in the relationship. She said she had a gut feeling that this wasn't right. I have given her space, and saw her in person after the breakup and I apologized for being immature and I recognized my mistakes and I will become a better person. She didn't want to hear it. I haven't spoken to her in 5 days. She told me it was a "no to a relationship with me right now."

 

My question is - I know she still loves me and is hurting. Taking space for both of us is only right. I have made many mistakes, like not caring for her and giving her attention like I know I could have given her. I have been doing major self-reflection and I am being more intentional in life meaning, being purposely kinder, friendlier, happier, and less immature. I am doing this for myself, not her. I feel like a new man - putting others first and having a servant attitude. She has blocked me on social media but I do plan on texting her in a couple weeks and basically saying "I just thought of you and I was wondering how you have been. I'd love to catch up and go to Chic Fil A soon. What day works for you?" I want one chance to show her over time that I am working towards the best me I can be, not some bs trick that will try to get her back. I'm only focused on making her smile and starting back to square one. Do I have a chance with her if I give her space?

 

I appreciate any feedback I can get, I do love this girl and want to see us get back together, but in the right time. Any feedback helps

[TheFinalWord]

My question is - I know she still loves me and is hurting. Taking space for both of us is only right. I have made many mistakes, like not caring for her and giving her attention like I know I could have given her.

 

 

 

being purposely kinder, friendlier, happier, and less immature. I am doing this for myself, not her. I feel like a new man - putting others first and having a servant attitude

 

 

 

I think we need more information.

 

What do you mean by not caring for her and not giving her attention. It sounds like all you did was giver her attention.

[jarob]

Basically I didn't make what was important to her important to me. She has a dog and I didn't give it the attention she wanted me to. It really upset her but for some reason, I couldn't. That's part of the reason we originally broke up. I made changes and I really love the dog now. She knows that.

 

I was selfish and our communication broke down.

 

I see it clear and am willing to make the changes(and have) to make this work. It's a 180.

[Simple Logic]

Sounds like it is over. Move on, unless you want to date her dog.

[TheFinalWord]

Basically I didn't make what was important to her important to me. She has a dog and I didn't give it the attention she wanted me to. It really upset her but for some reason, I couldn't. That's part of the reason we originally broke up. I made changes and I really love the dog now. She knows that.

 

I was selfish and our communication broke down.

 

I see it clear and am willing to make the changes(and have) to make this work. It's a 180.

 

No offense man, that makes no sense. She broke up because you didn't give her dog enough attention?

 

The communication part makes sense, but I think the real killer is she wanted space and you didn't give it. That probably killed her attraction. You gotta realize that you spent all your waking time together and she has no space without you. Even though she wanted it too, you have to give her space because eventually she's going to realize she has no freedom.

 

If you don't give her the space now, it will just reinforce in her mind that nothing is going to change. I wouldn't contact her. Five days is nothing. You can't make her smile or be her happiness friend. She has to be happy within herself and you just compliment her life. It's hard, but the only chance you have is to leave her 100% alone. No texting or anything and maybe she will miss you.

[ExpatInItaly]

She didn't break up with you over her dog, OP. Come on, now. Surely you know that is not the whole story.

 

I think she gave a relationship with you a shot, but she's just not feeling it. Or she's met someone else. Or an ex came back. Something like that. I know you had marriage on your mind, but the truth is that this relationship was very short and this is the point at which a lot of people either buckle in or bail. She chose the latter.

 

I would let this one go. Don't pester her about a date when she's already broken up with you - twice.

[TheFinalWord]

She didn't break up with you over her dog, OP. Come on, now. Surely you know that is not the whole story.

 

I think she gave a relationship with you a shot, but she's just not feeling it. Or she's met someone else. Or an ex came back. Something like that. I know you had marriage on your mind, but the truth is that this relationship was very short and this is the point at which a lot of people either buckle in or bail. She chose the latter.

 

I would let this one go. Don't pester her about a date when she's already broken up with you - twice.

 

100%.

 

OP, you have to create space for a person to miss you. If you were right next door to her for 3 months, you basically compacted like a year of dating into a few months.

 

Best bet is to go no contact, and leave her be. That's your ONLY chance here. You're no challenge right now. She knows, one text, you'll drop everything to see her and roll around on the floor like her second trained dog, to make her happy. F that noise. If you write her to go on a date, she'll reject you and 3 strikes your out. If she's blocked you, that's telling you something. Your best bet is to show her you have your own life and you can give her the space she needs to breath. Better yet, date other women. If she loves you, and sees you've moved on and seeing other women, if there's any part of her love left, she won't let that happen without contacting you.

Edited January 19, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[elaine567]

Better yet, date other women. If she loves you, and sees you've moved on and seeing other women, if there's any part of her love left, she won't let that happen without contacting you.

 

 

I know it is kind of standard advice but love or not the minute a man did that to me and started dating other women.

It would be finished, he would then be dead to me.

NO coming back from that.

[d0nnivain]

Your time frame here is overly accelerated. You dated for 120 DAYS. Yet you talk about love & marriage. Waaaayyyyy too fast. At 4 months maybe you can be thinking about whether you have a date for Valentine's Day. At this point it's too soon to even be making plans for summer. Talk of marriage is ridiculously premature & indicates you have no idea what a lifetime commitment means.

 

Similarly, you say you broke up 3 weeks ago yet you claim that you made MAJOR changes in your life. It is impossible to make major changes in such a short period of time. It takes 30 days to form a habit but it probably takes 6 months to a year to make true lasting lifestyle changes. The idea that you think you fixed anything in 21 days is more evidence that your accelerated time frame here is unworkable.

 

The periodic arguing given the short life of your relationship is a sign of incompatibility.

 

You already broke up once. Again given the short nature of your relationship, that was your 2nd chance. It didn't work

 

Unfortunately, IMO your EX saying she still cares about you but needs space is her way of sugar coating her desire to be unencumbered from you. She's one of those women who is a kind soul who isn't direct with break up news. She is done but she is too kind to hurt your feelings so instead she gives you BS about needing space & still caring. She does care in the sense that she doesn't want to be the source of your emotional pain but she doesn't want to continue dating you either.

 

All in all you need to develop patience. True love takes time. Stop rushing everything & learn to savor the moments.

[manfrombelow2]

1/ 4 months are too short a timeframe to even think about marriage. And I bet it wasn't her who "planned the marrying", but it was YOU. A woman talks about marriage when she simply wants to get married. But a man talks about marriage when he is afraid that he would lose her if he doesn't "lock" her down with marriage. This communicates that YOU are needy and clingy in this relationship with this woman:

 

I have been dating her for 4 months but I was planning on marrying her.

 

2/ You guys moved in too early. Love needs space and time to be able to develop. The first 6 months of a romantic relationship are very crucial because "love" (if there is any) at this early stage is like an infant, it needs "milk" to survive instead of hard food. And the "milk" is the time and space that you need to have between yourselves to nurture your love.

 

Hence she felt suffocated, trapped and wanted out. Once again, she felt this way because of your needy and clingy behaviour during your time together.

 

Recently, she moved to another apartment in the same building and from there, it sort of went downhill. She became more distant, wanted more space, and was more irritable

 

3/ There are many "bogus/fake" reasons for a breakup, but all of them only cover one true single reason: A person breaks up with you because they are no longer in love with you, or their interest level at the moment in you has been dropped so low. You SHOULD HAVE deployed No Contact right at this stage when she said she wanted a break:

 

she said she didn't know what she wanted - she loved me but there were some things she wasn't sure about

 

4/ So you basically shot yourself with your own gun:

 

Still, I became immature, emotionally needy and irritable when she wanted to be alone and have space(immature of me I know)

 

5/ Again, more deadly mistakes from your side. You want to be her lover, not her friend. Friendship with this girl is not what you want. You want to romantically love her and be romantically loved in return. Instead of No Contact, you chose to follow her around like a puppy, which was a fatal error:

 

We continued to spend time together like taking her dog for walks, and she was really happy when we did things together

 

6/ Because you did everything wrong, she never truly felt safe and comfortable around you. As a female, she wanted so badly that you knew how to get yourself together and act like a man to win her back (by deploying No Contact). Instead you acted like her puppy. And that made her suffocated again:

 

she didn't know if she wanted to be with me... she was cold and distant and said she didn't want to be with me anymore and that she wasn't happy in the relationship. She said she had a gut feeling that this wasn't right

 

7/ You just can't use "reasons & logic" to talk or convince someone into liking you. Love is a playground of emotions. And emotions don't work like that. A man never apologizes a woman for loving her. Not only did you apologize once, but also went on an apology tour over and over again. This is needy, clingy, desperate and approval seeking behaviour and made you appear weak and unworthy in her unconscious mind. That's why she "didn't want to hear it:"

 

and I apologized for being immature and I recognized my mistakes and I will become a better person. She didn't want to hear it.

 

8/ Please stop humiliating yourself (as a man with dignity like you're supposed to be) any further by trying to contact someone who wants to be left alone BY YOU:

 

She has blocked me on social media but I do plan on texting her in a couple weeks and basically saying "I just thought of you and I was wondering how you have been. I'd love to catch up and go to Chic Fil A soon. What day works for you?"

 

9/ Do this by deploying No Contact immediately. During NC, get your life back together. Make yourself the center of your life (instead of her). Invest money, energy and time into yourself (instead of thinking all day & night about her). Go climbing. Go travelling. Hit the gym. Do anything that makes you happy and surrounded with new friends and people. Don't talk, just do it.

 

I want one chance to show her over time that I am working towards the best me I can be, not some bs trick that will try to get her back.

 

10/ Maybe. Maybe not. "Having a chance with her" or NOT, this is the only option you have now, don't you? She wants space, you must give her space. You have no other options. Think about it, buddy.

 

But first you need to get out of this turbulance of emotions going on in your head right now. Otherwise you'll keep messing things up.

 

Do I have a chance with her if I give her space?

 

11/ You should look at my signature, it's helped open my eyes to better my relationships. And may I suggest the book "How To Be A 3% Man" by Corey Wayne, which did me a favour with the same level of impact (you can find it on Amazon).

Edited January 19, 2019 by thaygiaogiang

[manfrombelow2]

Here is your Reality Check:

 

She stopped loving you not because you didn't like her dog, but because you were clingy, needy and desperate in the relationship with her.

 

To be honest, when a woman truly loves you, she could literally kill her dog for you (I'm serious), let alone you not being able to like it.

 

So the fact that you didn't give her dog attention might be one of many things she hates about you now because she's no longer in love with you. But it's never the reason that caused her to be no longer in love with you. The "true" reason was mentioned above.

 

She has a dog and I didn't give it the attention she wanted me to. It really upset her but for some reason, I couldn't. That's part of the reason we originally broke up. I made changes and I really love the dog now. She knows that.

 

Edited January 19, 2019 by thaygiaogiang

[SophieG]

To be honest, when a woman truly loves you, she could literally kill her dog for you (I'm serious), let alone you not being able to like it.

 

I have to disagree here! To me, my pets are like family members and I would NEVER get rid of them for a man, no matter how much I love him.

 

But OP, yes, you were clingy and you didn't give her space when she asked for it. Just stop contacting her. You made it clear to her that you want her back, now it's up to her to decide if she wants to get back with you or not. Move on, do your things and if she's the one for you, she'll come back eventually... but personally, I wouldn't hold my breath.

[smackie9]

If you want to show her you have matured, you will let her go. The ball is in her court to reach out not you. To be less available is to be more desirable. Let her miss you. Right now she knows you are planning to contact her and plead for her back....don't do it. When she doesn't hear from you it's going to jolt her that you are not the guy that was always begging for her back.

[jarob]

All, great advice. I have to start being honest with myself on how clingy and unattractive I was when I didn't give her the space and distance to form a better bond with me. I do remember the best times we had were when we gave each other space in the beginning.

 

As for me, I haven't contacted her in the past 5-6 days and will continue no contact. 1. It's good for me to focus on myself 2. It shows confidence 3. It helps her understand that I'm listening to her by giving her space

 

I will learn to be good by myself and if I do get a chance for redemption with her, I will show her we can live separate lives and just have fun and enjoy the times we spend together. Whether she hates me or not, I cannot control that. I can only control what I can control.

 

Do you guys think I should ever contact her again when I feel it's time(a month or 2) or should I go no contact forever?

[SophieG]

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Do you guys think I should ever contact her again when I feel it's time(a month or 2) or should I go no contact forever?

 

I'd go no contact, period. She knows you still want her back, the ball is in her court to make it happen if that's what she wants.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you guys think I should ever contact her again when I feel it's time(a month or 2) or should I go no contact forever?

 

No. She broke up with you; if she has regrets about her choice, it's on her to get in touch.

 

If she doesn't, you can assume she isn't interested in trying again.

[d0nnivain]

Do you guys think I should ever contact her again when I feel it's time(a month or 2) or should I go no contact forever?

 

I think you should not reach out again. You probably can't have full NC forever because you live in the same apartment complex. You will see each other. Smile say hello & move along, keeping all encounters under 2 minutes.

[manfrombelow2]

Perhaps you haven't had a true understanding of the ongoing situation. And you don't seem to understand what "No Contact" means.

 

She dumped you. She was the dumper. The ball is in her court now. There is nothing you can do at this point. You must accept that from this moment onwards, all you can do is WALK AWAY and NEVER LOOK BACK unless she reaches back to you.

 

The correct question you might want to ask (I assume) is: "So when will she contact me?"

 

Maybe a few weeks. A few months. Even years. Maybe never.

 

So that's why you should stop thinking about her (easier said than done, I know) and start improving your life by learning from your mistakes so you will not repeat them in your next relationships.

 

If one day, she comes back, you then will have three possible scenarios:

1/ Accept her back into your improved life.

 

2/ You don't want her anymore because you have already grown into a newer and better person, and you even have had another woman then.

 

3/ She reaches back, finds out you're still the same old cringy and needy dude she had to get rid of, and she breaks up with you again, this time for good.

 

Think about it, buddy.

 

But since we are not prophets, so we don't waste time trying to predict the future, but we focus into the current life instead.

 

 

Do you guys think I should ever contact her again when I feel it's time(a month or 2) or should I go no contact forever?

[manfrombelow2]

To be frank, as someone who were more than once in OP's shoes, I know no matter how much we try to convince him to follow our advices (which are all true), he is very likely to do things his way anyway, and he will mess up even worse and eventually he'll say to himself "I should have listened to those guys on LS".

 

Anyway, best of lucks to you OP. Please know we understand your pain. We all have been there.

[manfrombelow2]

Very well said. Then you better prove your words with your action.

 

Best of lucks.

 

Whether she hates me or not, I cannot control that. I can only control what I can control.

[TheFinalWord]

I know it is kind of standard advice but love or not the minute a man did that to me and started dating other women.

It would be finished, he would then be dead to me.

NO coming back from that.

 

If YOU broke up with me, that is telling me you don't care if I am in your life, and you are perfectly okay if someone else scoops me up. She should be dead to him. But he's a kind man that doesn't give up at the first sign of trouble. She on the hand, is. She blocked him and doesn't care.

 

It's standard advice bc its rational and sane. This woman dumped him and he should sit around and sulk, beg, or move on with his life?

 

The truth about NC it it rarely ever works. So, he should date other woman to move on and not let waste his time sulking and pining for a woman that when he asked for another chance essentially said "meh, don't care about ya"

[d0nnivain]

The truth about NC it it rarely ever works.

 

NC is not designed to manipulate somebody into missing you & coming back. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.

 

That said, NC always works for it's intended purpose: Helping somebody heal & preserve their dignity (no begging) after a break up.

[manfrombelow2]

To be exact: the whole "somebody into missing you & coming back" thing, if happens (though rarely), should be counted as an added value thing. If it is there, it's good but if it's not there, no problems because you never expected it to begin with.

 

NC is not designed to manipulate somebody into missing you & coming back. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.

 

That said, NC always works for it's intended purpose: Helping somebody heal & preserve their dignity (no begging) after a break up.

[Curiousroxy86]

Hello,

 

I am interested in hearing advice/opinions about what my ex girlfriend is feeling and if I have a chance with her still. I have been dating her for 4 months but I was planning on marrying her.

 

Short summary of our relationship - I live in the same apartment complex as her and she works for the apartment complex. One day my car's battery died, and I called the office to get someone to help me start it. She came out and helped me get it started. From then, I was hooked on her. We became inseparable, spending everyday for the next three months practically living together(she was my literal neighbor, right next door). We had periodic arguing, but we made each other better people. It was obvious that she loved me and I loved her. Recently, she moved to another apartment in the same building and from there, it sort of went downhill. She became more distant, wanted more space, and was more irritable. So I gave her more space.

 

3 weeks ago we broke up for a day because she said she didn't know what she wanted - she loved me but there were some things she wasn't sure about. We figured it out and I made some changes. We got back together.

 

Still, I became immature, emotionally needy and irritable when she wanted to be alone and have space(immature of me I know) and I should have handled it better. We continued to spend time together like taking her dog for walks, and she was really happy when we did things together. Fast forward a week ago, when she said that she didn't know if she wanted to be with me. I sat down with her and she was cold and distant and said she didn't want to be with me anymore and that she wasn't happy in the relationship. She said she had a gut feeling that this wasn't right. I have given her space, and saw her in person after the breakup and I apologized for being immature and I recognized my mistakes and I will become a better person. She didn't want to hear it. I haven't spoken to her in 5 days. She told me it was a "no to a relationship with me right now."

 

My question is - I know she still loves me and is hurting. Taking space for both of us is only right. I have made many mistakes, like not caring for her and giving her attention like I know I could have given her. I have been doing major self-reflection and I am being more intentional in life meaning, being purposely kinder, friendlier, happier, and less immature. I am doing this for myself, not her. I feel like a new man - putting others first and having a servant attitude. She has blocked me on social media but I do plan on texting her in a couple weeks and basically saying "I just thought of you and I was wondering how you have been. I'd love to catch up and go to Chic Fil A soon. What day works for you?" I want one chance to show her over time that I am working towards the best me I can be, not some bs trick that will try to get her back. I'm only focused on making her smile and starting back to square one. Do I have a chance with her if I give her space?

 

I appreciate any feedback I can get, I do love this girl and want to see us get back together, but in the right time. Any feedback helps

 

Do you know THE REASON she broke up with you?

 

You didn't go into detail on what you did and being "immature"

 

But if you think about all the things she said she had a problem with when was arguing and you kept doing it? It's either you didn't want to change whatever this thing is or it's just a major struggle to change.

 

So be honest with yourself this thing she needed you to change instantly. Can you honestly change it right now and will you do so? I mean instantly. If you won't or can't then you need to leave her alone

 

Cause trying to get her back only to frustrate her again means you really lose her for good anyway and wasted both of y'all time

 

If you can and will change instantly (and if you really want to take your best chance to get her back). Then I would send her an email or whatever she didn't block you on stating this fact. Then don't contact her anymore. Move on (if you already don't this then all you should do is move on and don't contact her)

 

If she contacts you then you respond to her contact and as she give more leeway you can gradually rebuild to maybe asking her out. Basically re-woo her/date her again. And you SHOW her the Change without talking about how you changed or just the relationship in general. Let things unfold naturally but Just show her you have changed. Rinse repeat till she takes you back

 

If she don't contact you well just keep on moving on

 

Personally once someone is done I wouldn't put in effort to get them back. I think you should just move on anyway. but if you really just want to try I think this is your best bet

 

Good luck

[Marc878]

You are making the typical mistake in these situations. Projection. I love her so she must love me too. Her actions tell you that's not the case.

 

Acting needy, clingy, chasing is a sign of weak and desperate action.

 

Extremely unnattractive. Learn from this for your next relationship.

 

This one is over.