Tanchik Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 I'm curious to hear from OWs who accept their role for what it is, enjoy its benefits, fully understand the reasons for it from both sides, keep emotions in check (there might be feelings, but without the drama and the fog), be able to step away from MM/OM, and give space when it's needed (and expect the same in return). There's always a stereotypical discussion on here about cold-hearted, compartmentalizing, and cake eating MMs. And while women are more emotional, there are plenty of strong women who are able to make conscious choices about their decisions to remain an OW and be OK with that for whatever reason. I'm not interested in hearing how it's wrong - there are plenty of posts on that here. But I am interested in stories of those women that made it work.
DKT3 Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 Only question I have, do strong women sleep with another womans husband? 3
BourneWicked Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 sure. Katherine Hepburn would be one. I bet there are one or two more examples. Do strong men sleep with other men's wives? I could think of a few. The question above stinks of double standards. Also curious if others have anything to say on this. If there are any OW that are able to maintain such an arrangement, they may not be posting here because it's societally unacceptable. 1
DKT3 Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 sure. Katherine Hepburn would be one. I bet there are one or two more examples. Do strong men sleep with other men's wives? I could think of a few. The question above stinks of double standards. Also curious if others have anything to say on this. If there are any OW that are able to maintain such an arrangement, they may not be posting here because it's societally unacceptable. No, is my answer. OP, I believe is talking emotional strength. So no, strong men dont sleep with another mens wives. 2
DKT3 Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 (edited) Tanchik, believe it or not, I think you are progressing here. I dont know what you want in all this but I believe you are on track to getting to a truly healthier place. Edited January 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Tanchik Posted January 19, 2019 Author Posted January 19, 2019 Everything on LS is very one sided, like a playbook. Similar stories and the same advice. Interested in hearing other perspectives.
Author Tanchik Posted January 19, 2019 Author Posted January 19, 2019 Tanchik, believe it or not, I think you are progressing here. I dont know what you want in all this but I believe you are on track to getting to a truly healthier place. Thanks, but I didn't ask about my progression.
DKT3 Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 Honestly, I've been reading here a while. I'm yet to read one MW/OW who is happy with the situation. A few claim to be, then they come in here and complain about how MM took his wife on vacation and didn't reach out for the whole week. The set up is never one that can sustain happiness, ultimately someone will want to change the rules, or have shifting expectations. I can think of two women who may potentially tell you they are happy, but reading thier posts they clearly are not. 2
whatcomesnext Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 Yes such people exist, but don’t really post on here. As you recognize, many of the responses on this site tend to be one-sided and are often extremely judgmental and rigid in the “rightness” of their positions. Plus, as with many things in life, usually people start looking for sites and posting for support once something has gone wrong. It is less likely that a happy person would be taking the time to post. There are other support sites out there though that are not like this one. There is one in particular where the members are gentler, more open-minded and you see a wider range of OW posting. That doesn’t mean they are always happy, but their issues are more in the nature of navigating challenges in any relationship and figuring out whether that relationship is bringing you more happiness than pain or vice versa. 1
BourneWicked Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 DKT3 the OP was specifically asking if there were examples of scenarios where this worked, not your reasons why it wouldn't.
Arieswoman Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 tanchik, I can only speak from my own experience of other women who have been in the OW role. I know of one who has now been an OW for 30 years. The BS knows about it. All I know it that it must be working OK for her (OW) otherwise she would have done something about it.
somanymistakes Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 I've seen a couple of posters here who seem happy with their OW role and don't want it to be anything more than that, but they're rare and not around much. Partly because anyone posting that sort of thing on this forum tends to get pretty heavily attacked - one of the posters I'm thinking of, every time she tried to make a thread about her situation, people would dogpile on her telling her how terrible she was and the mods would have to step in. I think if you're curious about women who intentionally set out to have affairs, you might need to look for pro-adultery forums (they do exist). The ones I've seen, MOST of the posters are male, but there are some women as well who are eager for a less-involved side relationship.
Artdeco Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) I might be a good example, a rare example, bc people don’t tend to come forward if they’re harshly judged....... but anyway - I was very happy being the OW. In short: I wanted for nothing, got all i needed, and spent exactly the amount of time with him I wanted, in the way that suited me. It was what i chose. I felt no jealousy, because I always felt secure in the relationship, I never asked for “more” (more time, more whatever, ....). I didn’t feel I had to. I literally had no complaints. None. Regular arguments happen(ed), sure, but nothing major, that can’t be discussed and resolved, or compromised on. Normal interpersonal stuff. I am sure there are more women like me who don’t prioritize getting into a 24/7 relationship. Rather than building my life around a relationship, I chose to fit a relationship into the life I already had......because I wasn’t interested in making major changes. This brought tons of benefits to my life, and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. For me, there were only two options - staying single, or a part-time R. And it was a happy A for many years. It happens. A lot. All the time actually. Everywhere. It’s just so taboo, and judged so negatively, that many would rather not admit to it openly. Edited January 21, 2019 by Artdeco
Author Tanchik Posted January 21, 2019 Author Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) <snip> I am sure there are more women like me who don’t prioritize getting into a 24/7 relationship. Rather than building my life around a relationship, I chose to fit a relationship into the life I already had......because I wasn’t interested in making major changes. This brought tons of benefits to my life, and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. For me, there were only two options - staying single, or a part-time R. And it was a happy A for many years. It happens. A lot. All the time actually. Everywhere. It’s just so taboo, and judged so negatively, that many would rather not admit to it openly. Thanks for coming forward - I wish more women would. Did you end the affair when it was no longer convenient for you? Interesting that you found it satisfying while being single. I suppose you weren't looking for a relationship during that time. Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
Artdeco Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Thanks for coming forward - I wish more women would. Did you end the affair when it was no longer convenient for you? Interesting that you found it satisfying while being single. I suppose you weren't looking for a relationship during that time. Correct. I wasn’t looking. And yes, I found it very satisfying on many levels while it was an A. Meanwhile, after several years of this, though, things have evolved. We’ve been very happy to be in each other’s lives, so we decided a while ago to make it “official”. This was actually his wish, not so much mine. So we’re now looking at houses. It’s like in every R - compromising and communicating is key, and while I could’ve conitunued happily like that forever, my now BF has always had a harder time with it. He just wanted all or nothing at some point and went for it. Took care of everything on his end, separation then divorce, proposed, and here we are. It’s definitely different, and a little difficult for me to adjust. But if i didn’t think it was worth the lifestyle change, i wouldn’t do it.
central Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 There are open relationships where the "OW" is acknowledged, accepted, and has the ability to step in or step back as needed. I am all in favor of consensual arrangements (not really "affairs" in the usual, clandestine sense). I've had a few of those, where the OW is openly invited to my house, and my wife and FWB know each other and are both okay with the arrangement. Depending on circumstances or needs, the level of involvement fluctuates - and we can even decide it together. It's wonderful to not need to hide things or lie, and yet everyone can get their needs met. In such scenarios, the OW/FWB is happy with their role, and also has the ability to negotiate what they want with their partner AND their spouse!
minimariah2 Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 (edited) sure. Katherine Hepburn would be one. I bet there are one or two more examples. ehhhhhh, I don't think Hepburn fits this description. at all. I always remember her describing how she approached her lover's wife, at her lover's funeral, in order to offer comfort and help if needed... only to be turned down, with the wife telling her how she thought Katherine was just a rumour. Hepburn said that was the single most humiliating moment in her life, thus proving that she most definitely wasn't satisfied with the OW label & certainly didn't keep her emotions in check. I'm curious to hear from OWs who accept their role for what it is, enjoy its benefits, fully understand the reasons for it from both sides, keep emotions in check (there might be feelings, but without the drama and the fog), be able to step away from MM/OM, and give space when it's needed (and expect the same in return). not an OW myself but I did know a woman, who was an OW for about a decade and she was OK with it. at the time, she devoted herself to her career and the A was perfect for her - she didn't want anything serious but she didn't want to be alone either. this way, she could focus on her career while still get the needed sexual/emotional connection. the A eventually ended when she found a man she decided to marry. however - I don't think she ever had strong feelings for her MM to being with. it was more about friendship and passion, I don't think she wanted him as a partner in the long run. she was very obviously keeping her eyes opened for the next better opportunity while in the A. I wouldn't label that strong tho. she kept her emotions in check because she didn't really have much of those for the man she was seeing. Edited January 22, 2019 by minimariah2
elaine567 Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 not an OW myself but I did know a woman, who was an OW for about a decade and she was OK with it. at the time, she devoted herself to her career and the A was perfect for her - she didn't want anything serious but she didn't want to be alone either. this way, she could focus on her career while still get the needed sexual/emotional connection. the A eventually ended when she found a man she decided to marry. however - I don't think she ever had strong feelings for her MM to being with. it was more about friendship and passion, I don't think she wanted him as a partner in the long run. she was very obviously keeping her eyes opened for the next better opportunity while in the A. This arrangement where the MM is basically a FWB and the OW doesn't get emotionally involved at all, is the only way I can see, for an OW to not get hurt, disappointed, upset and ultimately sad. I guess it would suit a lot of MM too as they don't then have to pretend to be "in love" and they don't need to bother with the future faking either or all the rest of the stuff they need to do to keep the "in love" OW on board and stop her from spilling the beans to his wife. A more simple arrangement where each is aware of exactly where they stand and "more" is not an option.
DKT3 Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 (edited) I believe MW and single OW have completely different dynamics. With OW I don't believe it takes as much justification so not as much of the soulmate, twin flame love stuff that MW usually need to betray her family. Edited January 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Topical content
somanymistakes Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 But if a MW really believes they're soulmates shouldn't she leave her marriage? The single OW has more reason for hanging around lovesick waiting for the MM to finally give in to their destiny.
elaine567 Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 But if a MW really believes they're soulmates shouldn't she leave her marriage? The single OW has more reason for hanging around lovesick waiting for the MM to finally give in to their destiny. The MOW is often hanging around lovesick waiting for the MM to finally give in to their destiny too. Some have already given up on their marriages or even divorced, to find he just can't leave...
lucky-girl Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 ...The set up is never one that can sustain happiness, ultimately someone will want to change the rules, or have shifting expectations. This arrangement where the MM is basically a FWB and the OW doesn't get emotionally involved at all, is the only way I can see, for an OW to not get hurt, disappointed, upset and ultimately sad. I think it depends on what her expectations are. No relationship, even marriage can guarantee sustained happiness. People change, expectations change, feelings change. This is not by any means exclusive to OW. Myself and my best friend are in somewhat similar situations as OW. While things could be better if he didn't have a partner at home, we are happy with our relationships and are not waiting around for him to leave her. After being married 20+ years each ourselves we have no wish to domesticate these relationships. We have learnt that the best way to sustain happiness in a relationship is to not live together and not see each other every day. We have the right balance of wanting to see more of our men and not being too frustrated at not seeing them enough. Of course it would be different if our men had less time and interest in us and didn't make frequent contact. I suspect the greatest source of unhappiness for an OW is feeling like she is not a priority - that the wife is more important to him and more loved by him - that and wanting a husband, not just a boyfriend/FWB
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