You'll never forget your first ghosting

[Lotsgoingon]

I think I wanted to make a point that he had to secure the days he wanted to see me beforehand. I also wanted to let him know indirectly that I wasn't happy that it took us 2 weeks to meet (not very mature of me, I know). I told him that when I'm exclusive with someone that's not the case as it's kinda assumed we will see each other on weekends.(

 

So here's a guideline for you ... whenever you feel the need to push a guy to meet with you, stop! ... Because that's a sign that this guy either isn't into you ... or is not available or worth your time. Instead of mentioning dates, you want to dump your interest in the guy.

[goth-gal]

I get what you're saying BUT he was the one who EVERY SINGLE DAY since our first date asked about meeting again. But he's on the passive side, and instead of being decisive and suggesting a day and place, he always asked "when are we meeting?"... it drove me crazy as I'm used to men being straightforward about the day they want to meet instead of leaving it mostly in my hands.

 

I mean... it's about my expectations of how men should act, I get it. But maybe my expectations are silly, maybe he's not great at picking a place beforehand... and for that reason I started feeling anxious imagining maybe it showed he didn't like me enough. But I realized later that's a "him" problem and has nothing to do with me. If I could only be chill about things... and I am when I don't care that much about a man but not with the ones I care.

 

So here's a guideline for you ... whenever you feel the need to push a guy to meet with you, stop! ... Because that's a sign that this guy either isn't into you ... or is not available or worth your time. Instead of mentioning dates, you want to dump your interest in the guy.

[mortensorchid]

Ghosting is rough on someone. It happened to me with someone a few years ago, we were good friends, we got on very well, etc. But one day after about 6 months he went poof. I am still in contact with him, I see him from time to time. He told me he was divorced and stung, etc. He gets into this pattern with people since - he's with some woman for about 6 months and then he vanishes on them. He won't take things to the next level. But that's a specific case.

 

Nevermind the reason others do it. You just have to be an adult about it, get busy doing other things, act like it doesn't bother you even if it does. Rejection is rejection no matter what.

[Highndry]

...I would really like to find love but I am quite picky, and from the dozens of people I went on dates in the past 2-3 years, he was the first one I saw real potential. He's the first I felt intellectual chemistry AND wanted to rip his clothes off...

Then why in the heck did you go and play that "I have another date" card when he asked you out again? That was a really, really poor move on your part. I feel bad for you, as you seem like a decent gal from what you've posted. But you finally found a guy and you pull something like that?

 

Reading around here, I think women are as clueless with guys as guys are with women. The old cliche about every man wanting a virgin isn't true and certainly shouldn't be taken seriously, but there's something to be learned from it, and it's that guys are very possessive of their women and do NOT want them sleeping around with other guys. They want to be the only guy.

 

When a guy thinks a woman's out sleeping with other men, it lowers his opinion of her. You might as well have said "Sorry, I'm going to screw George on Saturday so I can't go on a date with you," because that's pretty much what he heard. It doesn't matter than you're not sleeping with any men, because he's not privy to any of the details but he just presumes that you are "spreading it around" and that's not what any man wants.

[TheFinalWord]

TheFinalWord - I appreciate your point of view and I'm not offended.

 

<SNIP, removed large quote>

 

I understand, I have the same attachment style and am attracted to avoidant styles.

 

I understand about chemistry. It's hard to find and when you feel it and the other person doesn't, at least not to the same extent as you, it really stings.

 

My personal recommendation is to not have sex or get too intimate with avoidants until they are also committed, because I have found once they get that from you (and I'm a guy), they tend to feel they already have been there done that, and disappear.

 

It is your mind playing a trick on you. You want this guy, but he obviously doesn't care that much, or he'd be reciprocating interest, equally. Even if he's an avoidant, he would man up and tell you what he is thinking and wants. There may be some chemistry there, but you need more than that to make a relationship work. You also need equal effort and communication. Instead of talking to you, he disappears. That's not a good guy for you. A real man wouldn't act like a coward. When I'm not feeling it with a woman, I tell her. I never ghost because it's a cowards way out.

 

Hang in there, we all learn something from these experiences. I understand what you're going through

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sabaton]

What's the usual timeframe to determine that you've def been ghosted?

A week without any contact from the person you're dating or looking to date.

 

This is the first time a dating prospect that seemed to be going really well went MIA on me and boy, it stings! People talk about ghosting all the time, but I didn't think it would hurt this much.

it gets better with time. I've been ghosted lots of time. It's a little annoying when it first happens but then it doesn't really phase you so much.

 

Man in his 40s booked our 4th date for last Sunday (3rd in a week), texted me that day that he will be in touch re: schedule after helping his mom out with something. It's been 5 days and I haven't heard from him. All was going super well, perhaps I overshared a bit in the last date, but he still invited me for the 4th one.

Contact him? Send him a text asking him if he's still up to the date?

 

And would you answer if a man comes back after days, or weeks?

Not a woman, but I multi-''date'' and there are times when I go weeks without hearing from a specific woman. I'll answer, no problem about it.

 

I know he doesn't own me anything, and I'm far from a doormat, but it's hard for me to like someone, happens perhaps once a year so it's hard to write this off already.

There will be more men for you to meet, that you will like. No point in wasting that much energy mental on a guy if he's not as invested in you as you are in him.

 

I really thought he was super into me. He even mentioned he felt like deleting his Tinder and lots of other small things.

Guys who know how to talk to women are good at pretending. When I'm with someone and I really want to sleep with her, and I know I'm more likely to get what I want by telling her what she wants to hear - I tell her stuff like that.

 

It's actions what matter, not words. Words are easy and free o use.

 

I texted him a quick note 2 days later and still heard nothing from him. We also had talked about having a date tomorrow, but I guess I won't be hearing from him either for that. Thoughts? Why would someone who seemed so interested just disappear like this, specially when he implied he's not meeting interesting people off of Tinder, and why book a 4th date at all?

It could be several reasons why.

 

Maybe he was pursuing you while being very much interested in another woman, but that woman wasn't interested in him. It's not about you, it's more about him wanting sex than anything else. Just last month I was talking to three women at the same time.

 

I was going through a dry spell, so I was hammering it hard with attention, validation and compliments on this woman. She was attractive, but the woman I really wanted to sleep with was being lukewarm about me(she was probably having sex with a man who was more aesthetic than I) but one day, I get a text from her saying she wants to meet up to watch a movie.

 

That was at 2AM?

 

I stopped pursing the woman I was laying it thick on, because I entered a short-term relationship with the woman that my body was crazy about. Had the woman I truly wanted not call me, I would probably be calling and going on ''dates'' with the my second choice.

[some_username1]

When a guy thinks a woman's out sleeping with other men, it lowers his opinion of her. You might as well have said "Sorry, I'm going to screw George on Saturday so I can't go on a date with you," because that's pretty much what he heard. It doesn't matter than you're not sleeping with any men, because he's not privy to any of the details but he just presumes that you are "spreading it around" and that's not what any man wants.

 

Exactly. The day is also highly significant too. A midweek date is less of an issue because it's harder logistically for anything to happen afterwards - however a weekend date is just about the worst thing you can tell a man imo. Saturday night is typically when you schedule your number 1 option in because the potential to have sex is at it's peak. That guy is going to be sat at home all night thinking that this girl he is keen on is out somewhere having a great time and getting laid by the competition. It would be a massive turn off for me. I'm not sure I would totally ghost, but I would respond in kind by relegating the girl to a Tuesday or Wednesday night slot and not really put much effort in or take her seriously until she showed further interest from that point.

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote

[goth-gal]

Thank you everyone.

 

I looked back at our text messages log today as they resurrected in my laptop, I realize everything was going 100% well until... I started myself to be weirded out by a message or two he sent (totally over-thinker/neurotic on my side if I am honest), and I took over one day to reply... that's how things started to go south I believe. I think I had too much time on my hands over the holidays and started overthinking and sent back messages accordingly. No wonder he started to get more guarded. I swore to myself that I would be more chill next time I liked someone... yet here I was, NOT being chill, again

 

I really have to look at my anxiety and overthinking and see how it's been affecting my dating life. Sad to recognize, but it's good to be able to look back and see that I have also helped s****** up and perhaps learn from it. I am feeling extremely stupid right now.

[Insoc]

Ghosting sucks, I have been a victim of this several times from a few women I met on Match, to me it equals they are not interested. I'm new to this world of dating and texting (I despise the form of communication as the only means) and have learned a lot and will not make the same mistakes again, if I'm being ghosted, I will not respond and will move on, I know I looked desperate and needy a few times, this is what happens when you get ghosted, because it put's uncertainty in your head.

 

Then again, I talked to someone who would be texting me back and forth and would just disappear, no "got to go" or "good night we will talk tomorrow", just poof and then pick up again the next day with no mention of where they went. I find that rude and well like hanging up on someone on the phone.

 

Dating and trying to find someone is difficult as it is, then you figure in the forms of communication, texting is probably the worst choice of them all and likely causes more break-ups and issues, I can confirm that with one Woman I met.