You'll never forget your first ghosting

January 18, 2019

What's the usual timeframe to determine that you've def been ghosted?

This is the first time a dating prospect that seemed to be going really well went MIA on me and boy, it stings! People talk about ghosting all the time, but I didn't think it would hurt this much.

Man in his 40s booked our 4th date for last Sunday (3rd in a week), texted me that day that he will be in touch re: schedule after helping his mom out with something. It's been 5 days and I haven't heard from him. All was going super well, perhaps I overshared a bit in the last date, but he still invited me for the 4th one.

And would you answer if a man comes back after days, or weeks? I know he doesn't own me anything, and I'm far from a doormat, but it's hard for me to like someone, happens perhaps once a year so it's hard to write this off already. I really thought he was super into me. He even mentioned he felt like deleting his Tinder and lots of other small things. I texted him a quick note 2 days later and still heard nothing from him. We also had talked about having a date tomorrow, but I guess I won't be hearing from him either for that. Thoughts? Why would someone who seemed so interested just disappear like this, specially when he implied he's not meeting interesting people off of Tinder, and why book a 4th date at all?

Edited January 18, 2019 by goth-gal

January 18, 2019

I imagine something that seems so promising would sting

This is why I am such a fan of dating multiple people because when one ghosts it doesn't have to hurt as bad as it would when you focused on one guy who hasn't yet committed to a relationship. There's so much flakiness that can happen in the pre-exclusivity stage that to me it just doesn't make sense to choose to date one guy at a time to me

Enough of my soap box. The fact that you reached out and he still didn't respond I wouldn't wait around. We don't know the reasons. He could have gotten cold feet, he could have met someone else, he could have went back to his ex, he could be hospitalized....we just don't know. You can't ignore the sting but you move on.

I hope you open yourself up to the idea of dating multiple guys until one make you his girlfriend so this won't have to be such a big deal. Guys who aren't your boyfriend really should not be a big deal in my opinion and I would love to see women (heck people in general) redirect their thoughts and put things in proper perspective.

Edited January 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

January 18, 2019

Thank you Curiousroxy86 I am indeed dating multiple men for the same reasons you mentioned. I actually ended up telling him when he wanted to meet me Saturday night that I had another date already. My good friend argued it's understood that people multi date but still it might have "hurt his masculinity" or so when I told him that I was going on another date. I now wish I didn't although he kinda pressured me to know why I seemed so busy.

You're right... there could be many reasons and I feel the cold feet one is a strong contender I feel men freak out more easily when he feels a woman is also suddenly into him or seems to like him more than other guys she's dating. Even if he was initially super into her. I wonder why...

January 19, 2019

I actually ended up telling him when he wanted to meet me Saturday night that I had another date already.

That might have been enough for him to lose all interest. Not bc you're dating others, but bc it comes across as rubbing it in because you could have just said you had other plans, but instead you made it a point to let him know you're going out with someone else. Of course, he probably knows you are, but if a girl told me that I'd think she was not that serious or kinda immature of feeling a need to say that.

January 19, 2019

Thank you TheFinalWord. Makes sense. And so I ask - why then after I told him that he still booked me on two more dates, the first immediately? One of them we went on, but the second one was the one he stood me up.

I was stupid because truth is I was hurt he took so long to book our second date. I said I told my friend I actually preferred to see him, but since he didn't book dates in advance... others did.

January 19, 2019

Ghosting does hurt an awful lot. I dated a guy for a month before he left home to another state. He stopped texting me as much and told me how he wasn't ready and needed space. He just stopped texting me after that despite telling me we could stay "friends". That was really painful for me. He contacted me 3ish months later saying how much he regretted ghosting me and wanted to come see me. At that time I started dating someone else. Plus I wouldn't have taken him back anyways and risk being ghosted again.

If a day goes by w/no text, barring any emergency/planned busy time, I would write them off as a ghoster. I wouldn't spend another second worrying about him because a nice person isn't going to just ghost you. I never ghosted anyone unless they wouldn't leave me alone. Straight up would tell them I'm not interested.

In a few months you won't even care, I promise.

January 19, 2019

He implied that he's not meeting other people from Tinder and you confirmed that you're still seeing others. He's given it one more date and you didn't say anything about just seeing him so I guess he moved on to find someone who is on his wavelength.

I don't agree with your friend that his masculinity was hurt as I think his response is a gender neutral one. I can easily imagine a woman moving on from a man if he was seeing others but she wanted more.

Out of curiousity, if he'd asked you to be monogamous, would you have agreed? I wonder how much of this was down to poor communication.

January 19, 2019

You weren't ghosted as you called it in my book you ghosted him by seeing someone else at the same time.

lt's nothing to do with masculinity how would you feel your feeling like this about him but after you he goes off with another woman , then that would be femininity l suppose right ?

Me , l don't care what they call it or tell you is acceptable l'd never waste my time on a woman seeing other men while we were trying to get to know each other myself.

lmo there's just so many fkd angles to that bs that would say so much about her and her senses , and picker and the lack of and her as a person,she just wouldn't be a person l'd be interested in.

So my guess is seems as he upfront told you he wasn't seeing anyone else there's a pretty good chance he feels the same.

Edited January 19, 2019 by chillii

January 19, 2019

Thank you Curiousroxy86 I am indeed dating multiple men for the same reasons you mentioned. I actually ended up telling him when he wanted to meet me Saturday night that I had another date already. My good friend argued it's understood that people multi date but still it might have "hurt his masculinity" or so when I told him that I was going on another date.I now wish I didn't although he kinda pressured me to know why I seemed so busy.

You're right... there could be many reasons and I feel the cold feet one is a strong contender I feel men freak out more easily when he feels a woman is also suddenly into him or seems to like him more than other guys she's dating. Even if he was initially super into her. I wonder why...

I don't know about other guys, but this is a major, major turn-off to me, in fact a complete dealbreaker. You need to learn some tact. If you have another date you tell a man you're busy. I'm not surprised he bailed.

January 19, 2019

Thank you TheFinalWord. Makes sense. And so I ask - why then after I told him that he still booked me on two more dates, the first immediately? One of them we went on, but the second one was the one he stood me up.

He even mentioned he felt like deleting his Tinder and lots of other small things.

You're welcome and my initial hunch, is dread, aka competition anxiety. This is normally more of a female behavior, but if he is already displaying signs of one-itis (deleting dating apps when he barely knows you), he likely has feminine characteristics.

But then after he had some time to think about it, he probably thought it wasn't worth the effort bc you had so little interest you didn't care to openly flaunt you were turning down his offer to go out with another guy.

He may also be going no contact, so you might hear from him again. If you do, don't apologize or talk about other dates. Just let him set up a date and proceed. It's okay to multi-date, but just know if a guy is not into that, he may find it a turn off. I would still be honest about it from the outset (that's me), but I wouldn't turn him down for a date by telling him you're going on a date with someone else. He'll see that as a soft rejection and probably won't want to deal with the anxiety.

January 19, 2019

He was VERY slow to book a second date.

I was really into him, but as I didn’t want to get hurt, I booked dates instead when I didn’t hear from him. The man I went on a date was to visit my town and bought super expensive concert tickets 8 days prior and even if I was not interested, I couldn’t bail last minute when my preferred one decided to invite me out. I wouldn’t do that to anyone not even to a friend.

I actually made it clear that I was more into him but as he didn’t pre book my time... (as in, I have a life until either you book me beforehand OR we’re exclusive). But I do have a feeling I showed I was really into him on our last date and maybe he freaked out.

I also think I overshared. He told me about an illness he contracted due to exposure to something and I felt free to tell him about my newly found autoimmune illness (which is not a big deal but his energy changed right after). I also discussed serious things to see his goals and if they were compatible with mine. Like interest in having children etc. Maybe he freaked out as men feel pressured sometimes by the things above?

I was actually planning on showing him over the next few dates that I’m only interested in him

And yes for someone who asked: I’d delete my apps to focus on him if he showed that’s what he wanted as well. When he mentioned that we were in the second date so I think he just mentioned that, not because of... me or implying anything.

January 19, 2019

Double post. Was trying to edit the first one to say even preferred guy agreed I couldn’t bail on someone visiting and that bought tickets way beforehand.

January 19, 2019

As I already wrote him once, I should let it go now right? As in, not write him agaín.

If I try to show him I’m into him, by trying to talk or so, or try to figure out what he’s feeling and what happened, it will push him further away, correct? Specially if the reason he’s pulling away is he feels I pressured him into seeing me more or something serious or so...

In my text I said in a cute manner in our language - “Wow you stood me up big time. Hope all is alright.” I wanted to show him that despite him bailing I was not yet angry and he could reach out and that I hoped nothing serious happened (cause who bails w/o notice?)

The worst part about someone going MIA is NOT KNOWING for sure if you did something, if you acted in a certain way that seemed too eager, or something you said or overshared turned him off. If I knew he just lost interest or so, it would be easier to move on.

Edited January 19, 2019 by goth-gal

January 19, 2019

The reason you don't want to text him anymore--other than to say goodbye--is that he has already spoken loudly and clearly. His absence and silence cannot be any louder. And you don't want to tempt yourself to escapism and fantasy. Fantasy is ... X didn't call me because something came up. That's madness. The reason X doesn't call because he does NOT want to call, because he's not interested.

To reach out again would also mean ignoring a huge red flag. He's showing how he behaves ... He's shown you. Let him get away with this (by reaching out and offering to forgive his silence) ... and you're basically telling him that he can treat you like dirt and you'll quickly get over it.

Remember, we don't forgive stuff like this at the start of a relationship. We forgive or show "mercy" AFTER someone has earned our trust with lots of good actions.

I agree with Highndry ... In the future, just tell a guy that you're "busy" or just can't do a particular date ... Saying you're going on a date ... that's too much. It's actually none of his business. (But this doesn't explain this guy's behavior or put you at fault in any way.)

The truth is ... a guy will hear "busy" as meaning, Oh she's doing something fun with someone else, maybe another man. I better hop on this if I want her.This is one of those times when less is more.

Let him go ... He's not interested ... We cannot convince someone to be interested ... it's a contradiction in terms ...

Yes, it's painful and we've all had this happen ... In my day ... it was just someone not returning phone calls ... These days, it's texting. No difference.

January 19, 2019

He even mentioned he felt like deleting his Tinder

Not like im ignoring everything else you said but there's your answer. A guy either deletes it for you and tells you about it or he doesnt. There is no thinking or decision-making involved which you tell/discuss with the girl unless you wanna be told "i like you and wanna go on a lot more dates but I also wanna keep my options open for a little while longer to see if someone prettier and more my type is out there" ESPECIALLY after 3 dates, REGARDLESS of what you told him. If he really was still interested he wouldve made much more contact 100%.

As other posters said...by continuing to try and message him you are giving yourself the hope of something that isnt there. This guy either met someone else online and wants to keep you on a string as plan B or he is a lot of other bad things which will take too long to type lol.

You deserve better and he does not deserve your consideration of worrying whether or not you said something wrong. Move on.

January 19, 2019

I actually ended up telling him when he wanted to meet me Saturday night that I had another date already. My good friend argued it's understood that people multi date but still it might have "hurt his masculinity" or so when I told him that I was going on another date.

Some people are real touchy about that.

I've always been a fan of multi-dating when single. Until I have the 'talk' with someone, I'm a free agent and can date who I please. I've known men who were really anal about only dating one woman at a time and was surprised more than once to find out someone I was casually dating (along with others) was only seeing me at the time. Yikes.

So, it's very possible he was one of those guys who only dates one person at a time, and when he found out your philosophies on dating don't match, he chose to back off. Personally, if he was one of those types, he should have told you, instead of just assuming you follow the same rules he does.

January 19, 2019

Not like im ignoring everything else you said but there's your answer. A guy either deletes it for you and tells you about it or he doesnt.

I read this as being him subtlety opening a conversation. I'm now curious as to how the rest of the conversation went down.

January 19, 2019

We were having drinks and instead of asking him more about what he meant, I assumed things. I assumed he hasn't been meeting women he likes, I assumed he might be into me... but I didn't inquire more specifically. I should probably have.

I was feeling him out, as this second date took 2 weeks to happen, and I was anxious about what he feels about me. So I didn't want to seem too pushy. He was SUPER into me in the beginning and mentioned this date on our first date, but then... holidays... he took his time to really book something which got me a little anxious.

For reference if it matters, he mentioned thinking about deleting his Tinder after I told him I had a date on Saturday. I wish I used it to start a convo, but on a second date I felt it might be too much, and pushy.

I'm not a great communicator to be honest. Reading all I do online, it feels like men run for the hills if they sense a woman likes them or is needy too early, so I am always conflicted about what to say or not say. HELP. How do you learn these things? Somehow I always s**** it up, even with the guys who super like me in the beginning.

I read this as being him subtlety opening a conversation. I'm now curious as to how the rest of the conversation went down.

January 19, 2019

I don't even like dating multiple men, I just do it not to fixate on one without even knowing if he likes me back. He drove me really anxious as it took him two weeks to book the second date. And then of course I accepted other offers as I wanted to not think about him as I was doing. Turns out he wanted to book exactly for the days I already had other dates.

Yes if he's touchy with that, he could have told me. He's also not that great of a communicator I feel. If he was, I probably wouldn't be feeling so anxious as I did about waiting for the second date. He's on the chill side and I am on the anxious side when I like someone.

Why then did he ask me for another 2 dates after knowing I was dating other men? Knee jerk reaction? And then thinking it over, and me oversharing a bit on a date, he regretted booking a 4th date? Ahhhhh. I'm really hurting as he's the first man I like in probably 3 years.

Some people are real touchy about that.

Personally, if he was one of those types, he should have told you, instead of just assuming you follow the same rules he does.

January 19, 2019

I don't even like dating multiple men, I just do it not to fixate on one without even knowing if he likes me back. He drove me really anxious as it took him two weeks to book the second date. And then of course I accepted other offers as I wanted to not think about him as I was doing. Turns out he wanted to book exactly for the days I already had other dates.

Yes if he's touchy with that, he could have told me. He's also not that great of a communicator I feel. If he was, I probably wouldn't be feeling so anxious as I did about waiting for the second date. He's on the chill side and I am on the anxious side when I like someone.

Why then did he ask me for another 2 dates after knowing I was dating other men? Knee jerk reaction? And then thinking it over, and me oversharing a bit on a date, he regretted booking a 4th date? Ahhhhh. I'm really hurting as he's the first man I like in probably 3 years.

You may not know, I suppose ... that every line of the above says "loser" about this guy ... leading to the question: why do you care about him at this point? He wasn't straight up from the start. He didn't just ghost you .. he took 2 weeks to contact you.

Rule #1: if someone makes you anxious, that person isn't good for us. Period.

January 19, 2019

Sorry I didn't give all the details. He didn't take two weeks to contact me. He also said on the first date that he wanted to meet me again. He wrote me after our date, and the next days. But it was the holidays. When Jan. 2nd came by he did go back to work and then contacted me and booked the next date. Due to schedule on both sides, it took 2 weeks for us to meet again.

I could have relaxed, but since I'm on the anxious side... it all started snowballing... I think my vibe ended up coming up somewhat on the needy side maybe.

I may agree with your second statement... but I can't tell if it came from myself, or how he behaved. You know how women here on LS love being contacted daily and when it doesn't happen we become anxious even in early stages? Or we get nervous if men don't book 3 dates a week in the beginning? I think that's what happened to me, and I know it's kinda irrational on my side.

he took 2 weeks to contact you.

Rule #1: if someone makes you anxious, that person isn't good for us. Period.

January 19, 2019

I don't even like dating multiple men, I just do it not to fixate on one without even knowing if he likes me back. He drove me really anxious as it took him two weeks to book the second date. And then of course I accepted other offers as I wanted to not think about him as I was doing. Turns out he wanted to book exactly for the days I already had other dates.

Yes if he's touchy with that, he could have told me. He's also not that great of a communicator I feel. If he was, I probably wouldn't be feeling so anxious as I did about waiting for the second date. He's on the chill side and I am on the anxious side when I like someone.

Why then did he ask me for another 2 dates after knowing I was dating other men? Knee jerk reaction? And then thinking it over, and me oversharing a bit on a date, he regretted booking a 4th date? Ahhhhh. I'm really hurting as he's the first man I like in probably 3 years.

He did so because he had competitive anxiety, but probably thought twice about it.

This is going beyond dating, but just some general advice if you want to consider it or mull it over...

I would not advise dating multiple men to not think about another man, if you do not genuinely like it. It's going against your own standards and truth and won't work. Doing so in that situation is not going to relieve your anxiety. If you think about it, you're using these other men and it's not really right.

You need to find something that brings you joy outside of a man because the behaviors you are displaying are signs of someone that is codependent. You want to find someone that compliments your life, not fulfills it. A man can't fulfill your life.

So you had one date with this man? I would recommend you think about whether you actually like this guy, who you don't know, or if it's more a case of wanting what you can't have.

And I'm not saying this to be cruel. I've been ghosted multiple times and to me I just now see it as a sign that the person doesn't have basic decency so it has saved me a lot of time dating them.

January 20, 2019

TheFinalWord - I appreciate your point of view and I'm not offended.

We went on 3 dates (2 in the last week), and he ghosted after we texted on the very same day of the supposed 4th date talking about the schedule

I do have some insecure attachment issues from childhood it seems. Not sure I'm co-dependent but I do have some signs although doing too much for a partner who doesn't like me is not one of them. I also seem to push people away which is one more sign of insecure attachment. I also believe I am attracted to avoidant men… typical of this. He might have an avoidant attachment style from what I gather, he said his father was kinda controlling/dictator-like so I’m not that surprised. I usually also become a little avoidant when someone shows tons of interest.

So it’s a little more complicated than people say here “hey, he did X, he’s showing you he’s not interested, forget it”. I really think it’s more complex than that in certain cases.

You're probably right about not being a good idea to date multiple men. But the problem becomes when I like someone I do get anxious if they're not behaving 100% the way I think they should and going on other dates takes the pressure away from me. I only go on dates with men I like though, so it's not like I am really using them.

You're also right about a man not being able to fulfill anyone's life. I would really like to find love but I am quite picky, and from the dozens of people I went on dates in the past 2-3 years, he was the first one I saw real potential. He's the first I felt intellectual chemistry AND wanted to rip his clothes off. So, I don't think I was only wanting something I can't have. But who knows, due to the psychological issues I do long for people on the distant side.

Thing about this particular one is, I am not sure if my anxious energy drove him away, his own avoidant style, or if he is the kind with no basic decency. Probably why, in addition to liking him, it’s hard to let go. It’s a shame how our childhood issues become so blatant and sour things when we’re adults.

January 20, 2019

Dating multiple men is fine ... even necessary if you attach too quickly.

Just don't announce to each man that you're going out on a date Sunday night with someone else.

I assume by dating you mean meeting and hanging out with and seeing if anything's there. If you've got attachment issues, I would recommend against sleeping with multiple guys at the same time--because sex is likely to exacerbate your attachment issues and leave you confused and anxious.

Kissing multiple guys at the same time--absolutely fine!.

January 20, 2019

Lotsgoingon - Oh I'm def not sleeping with these men. Quite the contrary. The one guy I did sleep last year was a mistake on my side which I regret. I got drunk and lost control of my actions. I am very sexual so I won't say it's easy to be kinda celibate but I realized it works better for me right now. I will only have sex again either with a man who is exclusive with me, or perhaps with a FWB but right now I don't feel like doing that. I had a one night stand a year ago with a really attractive man around my age (I knew he was ethically non monogamous despite being single and thought it might be a good idea as I would not get attached to him) but... it felt disgusting. I'm not a prude but I don't feel like having vapid sexual relationships anymore, it gives me no satisfaction.

Going on a date with another man escaped my mouth because he kept asking why I was so busy in the next 4-5 days... I had more than one date set up actually. I think I wanted to make a point that he had to secure the days he wanted to see me beforehand. I also wanted to let him know indirectly that I wasn't happy that it took us 2 weeks to meet (not very mature of me, I know). I told him that when I'm exclusive with someone that's not the case as it's kinda assumed we will see each other on weekends.

I do have to work on my attachment issues

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