FaithInTheDark Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 Ive been seeing this guy for about a month. Ive spent a lot of time together. We both said we really like each other, and hes always asking to hang out. We both had the talk about how we are working towards building a connection etc. Hes called me his girl and said hes only intimate with 1 partner at a time. Okay, so i feel like im not usually like this but, he left to the store and his phone was sitting on the table. His messages were going off several times so i looked And saw a girl messaging him so i looked. They had been exchanging messages like "i love you " and stuff like that. Instantly i felt sick to my stomach...as the night went on, i asked if hes dating or sleeping with others. His eyes kinda looked away and he said "he was sleeping with somone but its complicated so theyre not anymore. ..if anything changes hell let me know" I honestly dont trust him. Hes left a bunch of stuff at my house i have to return. I do not want to tell him i saw his phone.but i want to end things, as i feel distrusting toward him. Any insight on what i should say? Do i have a right to be upset?
thefooloftheyear Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 You will get a lot of replies from posters who will tell you that you are too nosy and too controlling, and because there is no "declaration of exclusivity" that he owes you nothing... I tend to disagree, as I guess you do as well, but I guess that's not the way things are done now...Its all like a Chinese Buffet...You pick from the things you like and then go home... I guess you need to just move on...Or accept the fact that you are being shopped and wait around til he makes up his mind? I dunno...I wish you well.. TFY 1
AriesDude Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 I agree with thefooloftheyear. You don't owe him anything and don't even need to say a word further. Burn his stuff or send him one last message to collect it from your lawn and move on fast. You are heading down a road that leads to a candlelight diner where he goes "i know i slept with your friend last night, but wanna get married?" seriously...run!
olivetree Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 You're doing the right thing moving on. I don't think you owe him any explanation, just tell him it's not working out and wish him the best. 2
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 In one perspective, you did violate his privacy. However, you also caught him in a lie. He said he's only intimate with one person at a time, but obviously that's not true. He's also telling someone else that he loves them, so where does that leave you? You have enough information and just cause to stop dating this person. He's duplicitous, and you don't need any exclusivity or commitment with someone for that not to be OK. Just say you don't want to date someone who's going to say one thing, and do another. You don't owe him any other explanation, so no need to mention the phone snoop. The short time spent together makes this easier. At least you aren't in too deep! 1
Hollywood-Tourist Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 In one perspective, you did violate his privacy. However, you also caught him in a lie. He said he's only intimate with one person at a time, but obviously that's not true. He's also telling someone else that he loves them, so where does that leave you? They are both at fault in my opinion, but him more so for cheating and betraying her. I'd dump him OP - that's the consequence of his two timing actions.
Simple Logic Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 Set his stuff outside, send him a text to get it, and block him. 1
smackie9 Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 Honestly I would have left his phone outside on the stoop, then block/delete, NC......hah things are complicated....what a tool. 2
ShyLove Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 You have every right to be upset. I'd be so turned off especially with the "if anything changes, I'll let you know" comment. That means you are just filling in until he and the girl get back together or until she finds out about you. I'd just say you feel something is off about the "relationship" and you are just going to end it It has only been a month you don't have to go into that much detail. Good Luck
Lotsgoingon Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 I think you have to break up with him. Be careful about telling him you found the messages ... because he likely will get mad at you for snooping. And he'll change the subject to what I consider your minor violation of trust ... and he'll use your snooping to justify or avoid explaining his major violation and betrayal of trust. Anyway, if I were you, I would just say "I want to break up ... and I don't want to see you anymore." You can even say, "The relationship just isn't working for me--something doesn't feel right--and I don't want to talk about it." He's gonna say--guarantee it!!!-- "I don't understand. Can't you at least tell me why you're mad." Repeat your mantra--"I don't feel and I'm not talking about it." Hang up. BTW: he'll say all the above all the while KNOWING why you're mad ... but he'll play dumb ... and not admit that he knows why you're mad. Question: did you sense he was with someone else before you found evidence of it on his phone? Don't feel too bad. This happens. 2
loversquarrel Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 Regardless of whether or not you guys are exclusive, he needless lied. He failed to give you the option of deciding for yourself. It's a pretty big deal to be lied to like that. 2
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 I agree with thefooloftheyear. You don't owe him anything and don't even need to say a word further. Burn his stuff or send him one last message to collect it from your lawn and move on fast. You are heading down a road that leads to a candlelight diner where he goes "i know i slept with your friend last night, but wanna get married?" seriously...run! I would leave too, just ghost him since he seems to have no respect for you or the other woman. Multi dating is fine up to a point, but when someone develops feeling, you either continue or cut it off. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 I honestly dont trust him. Hes left a bunch of stuff at my house i have to return. I do not want to tell him i saw his phone.but i want to end things, as i feel distrusting toward him. Any insight on what i should say? Do i have a right to be upset? Of course can you be upset. If you don't trust him you don't trust him. What I don't get is why you are reluctant to tell him that you saw the I love you text. If you simply don't want to deal with any drama, fine, but why post? If you trusted him before you saw that text, then I would absolutely tell him what you saw & see what he says. If he gaslights you & only focuses on the snooping that's another reason to end this. But if he's genuine & you liked him before this, I'd at least listen. 1
BaileyB Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 I would tell him what you read - you looked at his phone because he left it on the table and it was blowing up with messages. If he doesn’t like it - he can leave. It sounds like you are already kicking him to the curb anyway... and rightfully so. 1
bathtub-row Posted January 18, 2019 Posted January 18, 2019 Nothing really new to add here - just wanted to say that leaving him is your best option, considering the things he has said to you. You'll never trust him, nor should you. And screw all that privacy crapola. If someone's phone is sitting right there and it's bleeping away, a person is going to look. If you ask me, I think he left it there so that you'd see the messages. Even if he didn't, consider it a bullet dodged. 1
elaine567 Posted January 18, 2019 Posted January 18, 2019 No need for any drama. He is only going to get defensive and it could turn ugly. Either ghost him as he doesn't deserve much better, or just say it isn't working out and you want to end things. His stuff will be outside in a box...
Author FaithInTheDark Posted January 18, 2019 Author Posted January 18, 2019 (edited) Question: did you sense he was with someone else before you found evidence of it on his phone? No i didnt suspect he had a side girl. Edited January 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 18, 2019 Posted January 18, 2019 Ive been seeing this guy for about a month. Ive spent a lot of time together. We both said we really like each other, and hes always asking to hang out. We both had the talk about how we are working towards building a connection etc. Hes called me his girl and said hes only intimate with 1 partner at a time. Okay, so i feel like im not usually like this but, he left to the store and his phone was sitting on the table. His messages were going off several times so i looked And saw a girl messaging him so i looked. They had been exchanging messages like "i love you " and stuff like that. Instantly i felt sick to my stomach...as the night went on, i asked if hes dating or sleeping with others. His eyes kinda looked away and he said "he was sleeping with somone but its complicated so theyre not anymore. ..if anything changes hell let me know" I honestly dont trust him. Hes left a bunch of stuff at my house i have to return. I do not want to tell him i saw his phone.but i want to end things, as i feel distrusting toward him. Any insight on what i should say? Do i have a right to be upset? Im happy that you caught it early on. Imma bit jealous even lol. Check this out he told you that you were his girl and that he believes in being intimate with one partner. That's misleading af if he telling some other girl he love her. And when you ask he now says it's complicated and if any thing changes he will let you know? If your his girl that's not the response a man would say to someone who is truly his girl. Annnnndd he wouldn't be telling some other girl he loves her if you truly his girl. Run. His words and actions ain't matching and he showing signs of sketch already. Don't ignore this red flag and gtfo. 2
d0nnivain Posted January 18, 2019 Posted January 18, 2019 No need for any drama. He is only going to get defensive and it could turn ugly. Either ghost him as he doesn't deserve much better, or just say it isn't working out and you want to end things. His stuff will be outside in a box... I believe in the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you & I also believe in Karma. So FaithintheDark, while you are a welcome to dump him, at least tell him & hand him his stuff in the box. Don't ghost & don't ruin his stuff. When you treat people like crap, even ones who have hurt you, you leave yourself vulnerable to be treated badly by others in the future. Be the better person here. 1
Author FaithInTheDark Posted January 18, 2019 Author Posted January 18, 2019 I believe in the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you & I also believe in Karma. So FaithintheDark, while you are a welcome to dump him, at least tell him & hand him his stuff in the box. Don't ghost & don't ruin his stuff. When you treat people like crap, even ones who have hurt you, you leave yourself vulnerable to be treated badly by others in the future. Be the better person here. I would never ruin his stuff. Im not like that. Also, as badly as i want to tell him i know about that girl. I will not. It will just be lie on top of lie.
olivetree Posted January 18, 2019 Posted January 18, 2019 i asked if hes dating or sleeping with others. His eyes kinda looked away and he said "he was sleeping with somone but its complicated so theyre not anymore...if anything changes hell let me know" I think that he will likely thing that you're breaking up because of this exchange, which is actually pretty reasonable. Saying if he starts sleeping with someone else he'll let you know is not something you'd say to someone you were super keen on. So just wanted to add that to my reasoning why no explanation is really needed here. 1
Author FaithInTheDark Posted January 18, 2019 Author Posted January 18, 2019 Apart of me feels inclined to tell him that i know about the girl. But then it will just be used against me
bathtub-row Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 Apart of me feels inclined to tell him that i know about the girl. But then it will just be used against me His comment about how he was sleeping with someone else but not anymore, that’s it’s complicated, and he’ll let you know if anything changes would be more than enough reason for me to break up with anyone. What he’s most likely actually saying is something along these lines: “I was sleeping with her as of a few days ago but we have a tumultuous relationship so it’s off for now, however, that’s likely to change at any point in time.” The “I’ll let you know if anything changes” comment was extremely smug. Telling him you know about the other girl will just make him feel even more smug. Whenever someone lies to me, I tend to take the option of kicking their ego square in the face in the most subtle way possible. In this case, I’d tell him it’s just not working out for me. Let him torture himself with his own imagination about why you lost interest. 2
smackie9 Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 Apart of me feels inclined to tell him that i know about the girl. But then it will just be used against me Really? that's a concern? Who cares when you are already kickin this dbag to the curb.
Gretchen12 Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 He knows you know about the girl. He told you he was sleeping with her when you asked. So that's it. You know, and he knows you know. What else is there to say but to leave?
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