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Anyone having an affair and doesn't want to be intimate with their wives/husband??

Iris17

By Iris17
in Infidelity

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Iris17 Established Member

Iris17

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Does he know that you know? Is the OW attached or single?

 

She is single. He knows I know now. I told him to sort out his problems. I don't get involved while I'm working on my serurity for me and my child. A very good advice someone gave me was to use my brain not my emotions. It was hard to do but is well worth it. I was able to secure most of what I needed and working on the rest. I'm not kicking up a fuss..she is. And that's their problem now.

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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She is single. He knows I know now. I told him to sort out his problems. I don't get involved while I'm working on my serurity for me and my child. A very good advice someone gave me was to use my brain not my emotions. It was hard to do but is well worth it. I was able to secure most of what I needed and working on the rest. I'm not kicking up a fuss..she is. And that's their problem now.

 

Kudos for being so level-headed!! :love:

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Iris17 Established Member

Iris17

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Kudos for being so level-headed!! :love:

 

Thank you ..but lots of drinking, crying, ranting, not eating and therapies involved. Now not so much.

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Mrs._December Established Member

Mrs._December

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I guess I'm asking this question because I want to know the depth of this affair and if he still loves me or who he loves more. I don't know if you can measure love by amount of sex. I know at the end of the day it doesn't matter any more if he loves me or not. But sometimes I wobble and get emotional while trying to be strong

You want to know who he loves more?

 

The selfish POS loves HIMSELF more than the both of you. That's who he loves the most.

 

I hope you're able to get your ducks in a row quickly so you can leave this lying degenerate as soon as possible. He's not worth another day of your time.

Starswillshine Established Member

Starswillshine

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She is single. He knows I know now. I told him to sort out his problems. I don't get involved while I'm working on my serurity for me and my child. A very good advice someone gave me was to use my brain not my emotions. It was hard to do but is well worth it. I was able to secure most of what I needed and working on the rest. I'm not kicking up a fuss..she is. And that's their problem now.

 

Good for you for staying strong. I couldn't. I'm often ashamed of the way I acted after DDays. I was a weak mess.

Turning point Established Member

Turning point

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Most likely not even himself.

 

I've come to the conclusion that's not true.

 

There's this legacy psychology out there that surmises all these highly entitled types are masking self-hatred or low self-esteem and in my experience I find it's just the opposite. These folks have a thermostat that is permanently set to HIGH. They have way too much self-esteem.

 

This behavior we call: "image-management" is actually their effort to materialize their self-love in the form of cash, goods, position, sex, and control. No different than the king who demands toilets made of gold.

 

It takes a really high opinion of one's self to consistently use two people and neglect your own child in the way the OP's husband is described. This guy is not short of self-respect he simply doesn't believe anyone else is worthy.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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I've come to the conclusion that's not true.

 

There's this legacy psychology out there that surmises all these highly entitled types are masking self-hatred or low self-esteem and in my experience I find it's just the opposite. These folks have a thermostat that is permanently set to HIGH. They have way too much self-esteem.

 

I tend to agree.

He is "da man"

His supposed vulnerability and weakness are often just ploys to keep the OW on side.

"Poor poor man, he has to put up with with that dreadful wife. I will listen to him, love him and kiss him all better.. "

Overtaxed Established Member

Overtaxed

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"Poor poor man, he has to put up with with that dreadful wife. I will listen to him, love him and kiss him all better.. "

 

Hey, do you know my W's AP??! Because, I swear, nearly word for word, that was his line.. Oh, you mean they all say that? Did your's say "They don't even sleep in the same bed anymore"? Wow! So uncanny, I wonder how I knew. ;)

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Iris17 Established Member

Iris17

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I've come to the conclusion that's not true.

 

There's this legacy psychology out there that surmises all these highly entitled types are masking self-hatred or low self-esteem and in my experience I find it's just the opposite. These folks have a thermostat that is permanently set to HIGH. They have way too much self-esteem.

 

This behavior we call: "image-management" is actually their effort to materialize their self-love in the form of cash, goods, position, sex, and control. No different than the king who demands toilets made of gold.

 

It takes a really high opinion of one's self to consistently use two people and neglect your own child in the way the OP's husband is described. This guy is not short of self-respect he simply doesn't believe anyone else is worthy.

 

 

 

 

I think I understand what you said as English is my second language. I'm pretty sure he loves himself more than me and AP. But what I know for sure is he only thinks about himself.

 

I learnt a lot of his weaknesses throughout the affair. My bf actually comes across as someone who is very confident, very charming very kind and generous and a very happy person. He is also successful in his business but throughout the affair I get to know more of him. He is actually unhappy. I thought I made him unhappy or the family life and responsibility made him unhappy but I realised now that even if he has affair or if he's single with tons of girls ..he would still be unhappy. I watched him throughout the affair and lived though it and now realise he is very insecure as he seeks attention and is kind and generous (too much) because he wants to be liked. Probably for image too. He helped people unnecessary even if his family has to suffer from his generosity. He can't sleep at night if he knows there's one person not liking him.

 

He has no respect for me or anyone. So yes he doesn't think anyone else is worthy. I don't take it too personally any more when he shows me no respect. He doesn't know what that word means. Seriously it is shocking.

Edited by Iris17
Wrong grammar
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Iris17 Established Member

Iris17

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I tend to agree.

He is "da man"

His supposed vulnerability and weakness are often just ploys to keep the OW on side.

"Poor poor man, he has to put up with with that dreadful wife. I will listen to him, love him and kiss him all better.. "

 

Oh I'm pretty sure he said things about me to her. Why wouldn't he. I'll just let her find out the truth herself .

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Iris17 Established Member

Iris17

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Good for you for staying strong. I couldn't. I'm often ashamed of the way I acted after DDays. I was a weak mess.

 

I have also done and said things I wish I didn't. Why wouldn't we. We are only human

Edited by Iris17
Turning point Established Member

Turning point

Posted
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I think I understand what you said as English is my second language. I'm pretty sure he loves himself more than me and AP. But what I know for sure is he only thinks about himself.

 

I learnt a lot of his weaknesses throughout the affair. My bf actually comes across as someone who is very confident, very charming very kind and generous and a very happy person. He is also successful in his business but throughout the affair I get to know more of him. He is actually unhappy.

 

I think he's "restless" rather than unhappy. The bottom line is that he is enormously selfish and most of what he does is directed at positioning himself in the best light possible.

 

To that extent, he is willing to borrow or steal from one person to pay another. He appears generous only in the arena he finds most beneficial to himself. This is most obvious in the affair where he transacts with the other woman upon that which he withdraws from you and your child.

 

I think the duplicity keeps him on edge, not necessarily unhappy. Like a vampire fixated on his next feeding, the selfishness is existential rather than just convenient.

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Iris17 Established Member

Iris17

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I think the duplicity keeps him on edge, not necessarily unhappy. Like a vampire fixated on his next feeding, the selfishness is existential rather than just convenient.

 

He is definitely restless. And wreckless!

 

Does that mean he will keep on cheating with different people then? I really hope she goes through what I went through. I would like to be in a place where I don't care what they do or what they are up to or if they will get together and if they do I wanna finally be in a place where I genuinely wish them all the best but right now, at this point I'm still angry.

Edited by Iris17
Mispelling
Naivewomen Established Member

Naivewomen

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@BaileyB my xMM does love his wife. We had a long term affair and he never stopped loving her. He never disconnected from her so I do not agree with this statement. He had an intense affair and bad a poor choice but he knows who he wants to grow old with. That is love.

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