BaileyB Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 It's the working long hours and not seeing each other. That can (or not) happen in a 9-5 job. All the other things you said ( family obligations, spending time with friends, exercise/participating in hobbies) are choices you make. If you decide to be in a relationship, you need to be ready to make the other person one of your top priorities. I just feel for him is tooooo much work and long hours. It wasn't like this when we met. Working long hours is not a choice for some people. I work more hours than my boyfriend (who has an excellent job with a lot of flexibility). Although, there are times when he is stressed and working long hours at work. The demands of the job will change from time to time and some jobs are more demanding than others. It’s life. He probably made more time for you early in the relationship because it was new and he was excited about the relationship. It was the same with my relationship - but, it’s not sustainable long term. I don’t stay over during the work week this year because last year I exhausted myself to the point that I was constantly tired and sick. This year, I had to make a different decision. He respected that. It is difficult to balance life’s responsibilities sometimes. If you don’t like how he is doing it, then you have another choice...
d0nnivain Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 You said he wasn't like this in the beginning. You describe him as clingy. Did you like that more? Did you tell him to back off? If part of his change in behavior is him following earlier directions you gave him, you two need to have another discussion about balance. When he has to get up early, can you sleep over there? Just because he's only 20 minutes from you, if that puts him 20 more minutes from work I can understand why he doesn't want to stay. 20 minutes without traffic could be 40 minutes during the morning rush hour.
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 You said he wasn't like this in the beginning. You describe him as clingy. Did you like that more? Did you tell him to back off? If part of his change in behavior is him following earlier directions you gave him, you two need to have another discussion about balance. When he has to get up early, can you sleep over there? Just because he's only 20 minutes from you, if that puts him 20 more minutes from work I can understand why he doesn't want to stay. 20 minutes without traffic could be 40 minutes during the morning rush hour. I like this. He doesn't have to worry about any extra distance from work in the morning, and you get more time with him. It shows him you are willing to do something for the both of you, and hopefully he responds in kind. Have you told him how you feel about these concerns? You say you've been dating for three months, so maybe it's time to explore how he handles something like you saying you don't like the "rush and go" after sex.
d0nnivain Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 You made some choices about your life & designed a life you love. You fail to realize that other people crave the structure you ran screaming from. My husband had a flexible job & was miserable. Now he has a 9-5 gig that keeps him out of the house for close to 11-12 hours per day with the commute & he's thrilled. He jumps out of bed happy as a clam, excited to go to work. If your guy is a structured type, you may never get those leisurely mornings & long lunches you want. If you can't live like that, perhaps you are finding insurmountable points of incompatibility. 2
Wallysbears Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 It can work if you want it to. It sounds like you don’t though
elaine567 Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 Dating is about sussing out any incompatibilities. You have just found one. You, travelling the world as and when you want, and he, 9-5... it doesn't work. It is hitting home now, just how different you are. You are in need of a man who is going to fill in the gaps for you as despite the great job it can get lonely. You need a travelling companion to share all the sights and sounds of the world. He probably just needs a wife at home who makes his dinner, who makes his life generally easier and who makes few demands on him. He needs a facilitator.
hippychick3 Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 If you’re seeing each other 2-3 times a week and talking/texting daily, I do not see a big deal here. Working M-F long hours takes a lot out of you. It’s normal to need that down time after work. When my bf was living 25 min away, we initially spent 5-6 nights a week together during the weeks I did not have my kids. That lasted a few weeks and then it was just too much....Not because we lost interest in each other but because we weren’t getting our normal everyday crap done. We were falling behind with personal and work stuff and needed to come up for air. Your schedules may not mesh with each other because of different work hours. But that is a separate issue and not necessarily a reflection on his interest level. 1
Kelliousme Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 Well, most people DO consider it a luxury. My sister/BIL and kids have this exact lifestyle and travel all the time. They live a vacation life. (Kids are homeschooled) Just being able to have the money to afford all that travel is a luxury, in my opinion. Unless you're taking trains and staying in hostels! I agree with this. OP your lifestyle is a luxury to many many people.. myself included. Oh how I wish I can just stay home and work, have my own schedule, travel and go on vacation whenever I want. You have to understand.. not a lot of people can manage their own business and work at home. I don't have the brains for it nor do I have the funds to start my own business. I am aware that I would be making MUCH more and have much more of a stability working a 9-5 job like many many others in this world. I don't know of anyone who has your type of lifestyle. I can only imagine the rich can do what you do I don't think your relationship will work out with your mind set. It's honestly quite unfair to your boyfriend because it's not his fault. Since you know so many people who share your lifestyle, why don't you consider them instead? 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 Since you know so many people who share your lifestyle, why don't you consider them instead? Good point!
olivetree Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 (edited) Unless you're vastly different in the things you like to do and way you live aside from how much time you get off/mobility, it doesn't sound like you live different lifestyles, IMO. You didn't mention that he doesn't like to travel or he parties all the time and you don't, etc. Also, it sounds like your work schedules still afford you time together. Not like if one of you worked graveyards and the other days. As others pointed out, if he was working from home or could join you on all of your trips, you'd probably not cherish the time you have together as much. If you are really into him and aside from this he's everything you want, I'd try to work around it so that he plans his vacations around trips with you. Edited January 17, 2019 by olivetree
Author miss2017 Posted January 17, 2019 Author Posted January 17, 2019 Good point! Very good point. Because I haven't found anyone I click with. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 You made some choices about your life & designed a life you love. You fail to realize that other people crave the structure you ran screaming from. My husband had a flexible job & was miserable. Now he has a 9-5 gig that keeps him out of the house for close to 11-12 hours per day with the commute & he's thrilled. He jumps out of bed happy as a clam, excited to go to work. If your guy is a structured type, you may never get those leisurely mornings & long lunches you want. If you can't live like that, perhaps you are finding insurmountable points of incompatibility. This. Your lifestyle is not appealing to everyone, OP, and not necessarily the way everyone wishes they could live. Just like anything, your way of approaching life has its benefits and its drawbacks. I think you need to find someone who does share your views, though, and is actively working toward such a goal. Otherwise, even though you claim the opposite, I think you will wind up looking down on a guy who is fine working the 9-5 "rat race." The more you write, the the more it seems you can't fathom how someone could want a lifestyle that isn't like yours. 1
Wallysbears Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 This. Your lifestyle is not appealing to everyone, OP, and not necessarily the way everyone wishes they could live. Just like anything, your way of approaching life has its benefits and its drawbacks. I think you need to find someone who does share your views, though, and is actively working toward such a goal. Otherwise, even though you claim the opposite, I think you will wind up looking down on a guy who is fine working the 9-5 "rat race." The more you write, the the more it seems you can't fathom how someone could want a lifestyle that isn't like yours. I agree completely with this. I don’t especially like to travel. And while I enjoy my job, it isn’t a passion. I like my home, my family, my community. I like my 9-5 life and the predictability of it. I enjoy banter with my coworkers and a regular paycheck. And then I can go home in the evenings and shut down my phone, etc because it isn’t my circus nor my monkeys. On weekends, I don’t care about my employer. The building could burn down...and my life would go on. I don’t want to be a jet setter or ski the Alps or stay in a million places. I like MY bed and house. I like having pets and a son and a community. A lot of people do.
smackie9 Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 I had a BF that started a new job. He worked nights and weekends, and I was going to school.....we like barely saw each other or in contact...I made the choice to breakup with him and found someone that was more available. He wasn't happy about it, but I wasn't happy with the way things were. Life goes on. 1
chillii Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 (edited) Oh. Well then! Be careful what you wish for, though. I think there can be TOO much togetherness..... my sis and her husband and their kids NEVER get a break from each other.....it's not healthy in my opinion. She has a "vacation life" on Facebook but she's anything but happy. That's a whole 'nother issue, though. Yeah see that's all whole other issues again. He's probably anything but happy too, they probably not a real good couple behind closed doors anyway or in whatever they were doing. But yeah running a business together or like , l dunno how any couple survive that, l wouldn't do it myself. But people do and some still closer than ever like my bro and his wife have 35 yrs and amazingly they're the only ones still married and very close too far as l can see, so l guess all that depends. lt's just mutual freedom , no rigid hours , attitude, stuff like that l like though, not running businesses or together 24 7 stuff or something, l still rather her having her own thing and time. Edited January 17, 2019 by chillii
elaine567 Posted January 18, 2019 Posted January 18, 2019 But some people do thrive on that 24/7 closeness, so I don't think we can ever say it is "unhealthy". Better they are happy, than trying and failing in what society would deem to be a "healthier" set up. We in the West celebrate independence and freedom but we in the West are getting to be incredibly lonely too. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 18, 2019 Posted January 18, 2019 (edited) If I were in your shoes and he was a great guy but this is the only hangup I wouldn't cut him loose personally. For me I could accept this. There will be compromises such as more planned travel around his vacation hours if y'all get serious instead of just traveling with him when you want to. there could be worst incompatibility issues and if this is all there is I say he would be worth holding onto. But that's just me. Edited January 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
basil67 Posted January 18, 2019 Posted January 18, 2019 I understand what you mean, and I don't mean to offend you, but usually are people who have regular 9-5 jobs and limited freedom that think that this is a luxury. It is not. Other people can think or feel what they want. You may have a different view and that's OK, but this doesn't mean that their feelings aren't valid. Anyway, it's good that you know plenty of people who have this flexible lifestyle - it means that you shouldn't have trouble finding a good match.
BettyDraper Posted January 18, 2019 Posted January 18, 2019 Since you know plenty of people who live the same lifestyle as you do, then perhaps it would be best to date them instead of choosing men who have traditional career obligations.
Versacehottie Posted January 18, 2019 Posted January 18, 2019 I don't see it as a luxury, I see it as the lifestyle I created for myself. A conscious choice. There are lots of people nowadays who have online businesses and have this kind of lifestyle, it's not uncommon. I know lots of people that have a similar lifestyle than me and to be honest I'm quite surprised I was attracted by someone who does not. i think the way you speak about creating the lifestyle/career you have shows it means a GREAT deal to you. I think choosing someone who is from a lifestyle that you "chose" to escape still ties you back to a lifestyle that you don't want for yourself. Choosing to be with him with likely compromise some of the elements you think you've created for yourself or how you see your life evolving. I think you sound like you might become resentful about it. I do think it's a little odd to appreciate someone as a partner who has chosen a lifestyle that is not at all like one that you admire. Maybe odd is not the right word--but probably after the newness wears off you will tire of what he is about. But like someone said above, only you have the answer to this question. Though it doesn't hurt to get replies to mull over the feedback. Neither type of lifestyle is inherently wrong or incompatible. It's just a matter of what each person and the persons together are willing to compromise on to be together. if you do know a lot of people who have careers that are really flexible like yours, maybe it makes the most sense to seek out one of those people? If you are not too entrenched and in love with this guy, maybe that's the answer. I think if you are questioning his lifestyle as compatible or not compatible long term with yours, you already know there are bound to be problems. Sometimes the "problems" in a relationship are not glaring or obvious but more subtle. Those are hard people to break up with once you get going because there is nothing so "wrong" but not enough right, yet you are connected and invested so be careful of what you invest in. Good luck 3
chillii Posted January 18, 2019 Posted January 18, 2019 (edited) But some people do thrive on that 24/7 closeness, so I don't think we can ever say it is "unhealthy". Better they are happy, than trying and failing in what society would deem to be a "healthier" set up. We in the West celebrate independence and freedom but we in the West are getting to be incredibly lonely too. Yeah right true l suppose, l know people together all the time seem fine and l'm sorta in that myself just right now till she figures out what she's gonna do. Sometimes l love it and wonder if it kept up like this would l love it even more or start to hate it, but some days right now l do wish one of us was was just going off somewhere too. Then l remember being married and never seeing her or she's too busy or too tired or on the phone all night after work and l dunno, maybe l'm lucky now and should be counting my blessings. lt's just that l'm a bit of a space person. Edited January 18, 2019 by chillii
Highndry Posted January 18, 2019 Posted January 18, 2019 Reading all your posts, you've already decided it can't work. I think you have your answer, which is to find somebody who can live the same lifestyle as you. 3
Author miss2017 Posted January 18, 2019 Author Posted January 18, 2019 Thank you everyone for your replies and help. It did give me food for thought and think about a few things about what I want. I never said my lifestyle is "right" and his, a 9-5 is "wrong". They're just too different and require different personalities and mindsets. The reason why I cannot stand the 9-5 thing is because I always had an entrepreneurial spirit which was not accepted by my parents and a previous partner, who always tried to cut my wings and make me fit the mould. Which I did for a few years and was miserable. I ended up being fired from jobs, or quiting after a few weeks or months at each job because I couldn't stand it. The lack of freedom, having to be everyday in the same place, not being able to do things on my own terms, only having one source of income, etc, was too much. So one day I kicked the bucket and said enough. I quit my last job and started my business (actually I started it before as a part-time thing). And things just took off, I built my lifestyle and I'm happy. I also coach other entrepreneurs who want to do the same on how to do it. So this guy now makes me remember all I went through before in my life and let go. He's sweet, super supportive and we get along well, but very often the limitations he has because of his job is just too much for me. Maybe this is a chance for me to make peace with my past and accept that other people can indeed be happy in a traditional lifestyle. After all, if I want a supportive partner of myself, I also need to support him, right!? Anyway, I'll give it a try with him and see what happens. 2
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