miss2017 Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 I've started dating this guy a while ago, and although I do like him and we get along well, I have questions about long-term compatibility, in regards to our lifestyles. I have my own business and live from my laptop, so I created my own lifestyle where I am free to work from anywhere and work when I want. So I don't have rigid schedules or working hours and can do whatever I want when I want, like travel to different places in and out of the country whenever I want because I take my laptop with me. He on the other hand has a traditional 9-5 job, with fixed working hours and limited freedom. Although he can sometimes work from home on his laptop, he cannot travel if he want, because next day he has to be at the office. Also, most days we are together, we only see each other when he's rushing in the morning to go to work or late in the evening, when he is tired from work (and I'm tired too), although we do spend some more time on weekends as well. Is just that we have sooooo different lifestyles. I always imagined having a relationship with someone who has his own business and freedom too, and we could just go and explore the world and have fun together. With a traditional job, he can't do that and I feel I continue on my own doing my own thing. Please notice that I'm not saying I'm right and he is wrong, we just chose different ways of working and living. I cannot tolerate the rat race and office work and not having my freedom, and is weird for me to be with someone who is totally ok with that. Anyway, just wanted to ask what do you guys think about this. Can it work between us? Or will it just be frustrating in the long term? Thank you.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 Anyway, just wanted to ask what do you guys think about this. Can it work between us? Or will it just be frustrating in the long term? Thank you. Only you know the answer to this question. I think it would be pretty rare to find all the qualities you want in a man AND have him have the exact same work scenario and proclivity for travel/adventure as you. Most full-time workers do not have this luxury. Even if they have the flexibility (I get it, I do as well, just like you), they don't have the financial means to do all that traveling. So, I repeat....only you know... 1
AriesDude Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 Some of the answers in this recently posted thread should help https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/674617-don-t-feel-like-i-can-compete-w-life-experiences
Author miss2017 Posted January 17, 2019 Author Posted January 17, 2019 Doesn't he have any vacation time? Yes of course, and we went on vacations already. But that's the point. I created a life where you don't need to take vacations on only specific times, you can go and do whatever you want anytime. Dont get me wrong, I still work hard for my business, but above all I have freedom which is the most important thing in my life. Struggling to be with someone who does not.
chillii Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 Yeah , it's sorta something that you'll have to figure out. lt didn't work for me though, lotta reasons. It was just to awkward and near impossible and frustrating getting some time, when l had plenty of it and could do what l wanted. And l became pretty well resented for having the freedom too, when l took the gambles and sacrifices most people don't have the guts to do , to get it. l always see it as two totally different people which goes right through the personality , views and a million intricacies. Work for a boss or make your own rules it's chalk and cheese and so very hard to mix. Good luck anyway , all you can do is try.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 I always imagined having a relationship with someone who has his own business and freedom too, and we could just go and explore the world and have fun together. I would say that this could be tall order to fill. The vast majority of folks don't have that sort of job. It's just the reality of our society. Even if you do meet a man who has his own business, it doesn't necessarily mean he will be free to do what he wants and leave on a whim, nor that his goals to travel and explore will be the same as yours. It also raises the question of what your and your partner's long-term goals are in general- if one of you eventually wanted a family, for example, that would compromise your ability to come and go as you wish. I would be taking that into account as well as someone's current lifestyle. You are correct that neither you nor your man are wrong in the way you live. But I think if you're already questioning your longer-term compatibility, you're going to struggle with feeling constrained. You will have to weigh up your desire for freedom of movement and your desires in a relationship. 1
AriesDude Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 (edited) Struggling to be with someone who does not. and is weird for me to be with someone who is totally ok with that. are you completely sure he is okay with that long term? at the end of the day everyone out there wishes to build up enough money to start their own business or at least just be in a position where they dont have to go to a office everyday. Investigate his promotion options if it truly bothers you but like Optimistic said....you're not gonna find all the qualities in a man, and throwing a chance at love away for otherwise materialistic values could haunt you for a very long time. Edited January 17, 2019 by AriesDude made a oopsie lol
Author miss2017 Posted January 17, 2019 Author Posted January 17, 2019 Only you know the answer to this question. I think it would be pretty rare to find all the qualities you want in a man AND have him have the exact same work scenario and proclivity for travel/adventure as you. Most full-time workers do not have this luxury. Even if they have the flexibility (I get it, I do as well, just like you), they don't have the financial means to do all that traveling. So, I repeat....only you know... I don't see it as a luxury, I see it as the lifestyle I created for myself. A conscious choice. There are lots of people nowadays who have online businesses and have this kind of lifestyle, it's not uncommon. I know lots of people that have a similar lifestyle than me and to be honest I'm quite surprised I was attracted by someone who does not. 1
Author miss2017 Posted January 17, 2019 Author Posted January 17, 2019 are you completely sure he is okay with that long term? at the end of the day everyone out there wishes to build up enough money to start their own business or at least just be in a position where they dont have to go to a office everyday. Investigate his promotion options if it truly bothers you but like Optimistic said....you're not gonna find all the qualities in a man, and throwing a chance at love away for otherwise materialistic values could haunt you for a very long time. It is not for materialistic values, is for lifestyle values. I would like to be with someone who can for example go for a nice lunch at the seaside on a Wednesday, or go to an event somewhere during the week, or go to a new city, stay in a hotel and work from there, things like these. I don't know if he is ok with that long-term, he never expressed to me the desire to have his own business or not having to go to the office everyday. Also, he has been in his job for ages, so is quite secure in there. And also, I don't want to change someone. If he's happy with his job and lifestyle, he doesn't have to change anything. I'm the one who has to see what I want.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 I don't see it as a luxury, I see it as the lifestyle I created for myself. A conscious choice. There are lots of people nowadays who have online businesses and have this kind of lifestyle, it's not uncommon. I know lots of people that have a similar lifestyle than me and to be honest I'm quite surprised I was attracted by someone who does not. Well, most people DO consider it a luxury. My sister/BIL and kids have this exact lifestyle and travel all the time. They live a vacation life. (Kids are homeschooled) Just being able to have the money to afford all that travel is a luxury, in my opinion. Unless you're taking trains and staying in hostels! 1
Author miss2017 Posted January 17, 2019 Author Posted January 17, 2019 (edited) <snip> It also raises the question of what your and your partner's long-term goals are in general- if one of you eventually wanted a family, for example, that would compromise your ability to come and go as you wish. I would be taking that into account as well as someone's current lifestyle. <snip> Yes absolutely. I love my lifestyle, and travel and having freedom of movement are key for me. I still do that, but on my own. I haven't thought about that, about having kids or getting married and how that would change things. I guess I have been thinking about the present moment and not too much further ahead. But I do want kids eventually, and my freedom of movement would be perfect for that. Edited January 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
Author miss2017 Posted January 17, 2019 Author Posted January 17, 2019 Well, most people DO consider it a luxury. My sister/BIL and kids have this exact lifestyle and travel all the time. They live a vacation life. (Kids are homeschooled) Just being able to have the money to afford all that travel is a luxury, in my opinion. Unless you're taking trains and staying in hostels! I understand what you mean, and I don't mean to offend you, but usually are people who have regular 9-5 jobs and limited freedom that think that this is a luxury. It is not. I have had 9-5 traditional jobs in my past, and hated every single second of it. It wasn't me. I struggled to fit in and was miserable for years. The day I took the decision to go for it and have my own business, things were much easier, it was like the Universe helped me fullfil my true purpose. It was harder to stay in office jobs than it was to create my business and lifestyle. So, it's not a luxury, it is a choice that anyone can make at any time. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 (edited) I understand what you mean, and I don't mean to offend you, but usually are people who have regular 9-5 jobs and limited freedom that think that this is a luxury. It is not. <snip> I get what you mean. I have the same scenario as you when it comes to work, and yes, it's a lifestyle and not a luxury. I guess since I can't afford to travel on top of that, I consider the traveling part the luxury! Edited January 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
Author miss2017 Posted January 17, 2019 Author Posted January 17, 2019 (edited) <snip> l always see it as two totally different people which goes right through the personality , views and a million intricacies. Work for a boss or make your own rules it's chalk and cheese and so very hard to mix. Thank you, you get me! It's exactly what you said. It's two totally different people which goes right through the personality , views and a million intricacies. I guess it goes down to you being the boss versus working for a boss. Two very different mindsets! We do have things in common though, and like each other. But when I think about long-term goals and compatibility, not sure. It makes me cringe only seeing him rushing in the morning and coming back tired in the evening. What kind of quality time together is this???? And then he rushes off to work in the rat race, and I am alone in my garden having my breakfast, soaking up the sun, and thinking how I wish I had a partner there with me to share these simple things in life whenever we want. Edited January 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
Author miss2017 Posted January 17, 2019 Author Posted January 17, 2019 I get what you mean. I have the same scenario as you when it comes to work, and yes, it's a lifestyle and not a luxury. I guess since I can't afford to travel on top of that, I consider the traveling part the luxury! I have a lifestyle where I am paid to travel and write hotel reviews.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 I have a lifestyle where I am paid to travel and write hotel reviews. Oh. Well then! Be careful what you wish for, though. I think there can be TOO much togetherness..... my sis and her husband and their kids NEVER get a break from each other.....it's not healthy in my opinion. She has a "vacation life" on Facebook but she's anything but happy. That's a whole 'nother issue, though.
Author miss2017 Posted January 17, 2019 Author Posted January 17, 2019 Oh. Well then! Be careful what you wish for, though. I think there can be TOO much togetherness..... my sis and her husband and their kids NEVER get a break from each other.....it's not healthy in my opinion. She has a "vacation life" on Facebook but she's anything but happy. That's a whole 'nother issue, though. Well I agree, that's not healthy. I still need to have my own house and be there for some time. I couldn't be travelling all the time. And very often when I travel is not even abroad, is just 30 minutes or 1h away from home. I believe in balance, so even if I was with someone with a similar lifestyle, we would have to have time apart as well, and space to breathe. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. 1
Author miss2017 Posted January 17, 2019 Author Posted January 17, 2019 Hi guys, I posted a thread on how me and my BF lifestyles are so different and am questioning the relationship, but decided to start a new thread explaining what triggered this exactly, and ask for advice. We didn't see each other for a few days last week, and then met again last Monday. He had to arrive late at mine because he worked till late that day. We stayed on the sofa talking, then ended up having sex and had a small meal in the kitchen afterwards. I was expecting him to spend the night with me so we could have more time together, but he said he preferred to go home because he had to go to work early next day. In the past this didn't prevent him from staying, but it did this time. I was a bit heartbroken to be honest, I don't like having sex in a rush and go. Then we haven't seen each other since that day, because basically he's working long hours in the office everyday. This makes me feel lonely and detached from him and questioning this whole thing. I don't even know if he is really having to work all those hours or is an excuse. We have been texting everyday and talking on the phone, but is not the same thing, and he lives only 20 minutes from me. He said he's having a lot of work lately, but hopes it will change soon. What should I do?
chillii Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 I have a lifestyle where I am paid to travel and write hotel reviews. oooww youch, that's better than mine , wanna swap My ex use to call it, with a bit of a tone, my rock star lifesyle, ahh, minus the mansion mind you.
BaileyB Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 This sounds pretty typical for my relationship. Sadly, work gets in the way of life sometimes... for most people. Furthermore, when you consider other responsibilities like family obligations, spending time with friends, exercise/participating in hobbies... and the time you have for your relationship is even more limited. Having read your other post, I would say that if you are really looking for a man who is free as a bird, flexible and available to spend time with you and travel whenever you want... you are going to have a difficult time dating anyone who is bound to a 9-5 job. They just won’t have the ability to be as flexible as you would want them to be and it will build resentment and unhappiness. Nothing wrong with wanting what you want. You just can’t fit a square peg into a round hole. 1
Author miss2017 Posted January 17, 2019 Author Posted January 17, 2019 This sounds pretty typical for my relationship. Sadly, work gets in the way of life sometimes... for most people. Furthermore, when you consider other responsibilities like family obligations, spending time with friends, exercise/participating in hobbies... and the time you have for your relationship is even more limited. Having read your other post, I would say that if you are really looking for a man who is free as a bird, flexible and available to spend time with you and travel whenever you want... you are going to have a difficult time dating anyone who is bound to a 9-5 job. They just won’t have the ability to be as flexible as you would want them to be and it will build resentment and unhappiness. Nothing wrong with wanting what you want. You just can’t fit a square peg into a round hole. Yes, agree, but my point here in this other thread is not even the lifestyle. It's the working long hours and not seeing each other. That can (or not) happen in a 9-5 job. All the other things you said ( family obligations, spending time with friends, exercise/participating in hobbies) are choices you make. If you decide to be in a relationship, you need to be ready to make the other person one of your top priorities. I just feel for him is tooooo much work and long hours. It wasn't like this when we met.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 This sounds pretty typical for my relationship. Sadly, work gets in the way of life sometimes... for most people. Furthermore, when you consider other responsibilities like family obligations, spending time with friends, exercise/participating in hobbies... and the time you have for your relationship is even more limited. Having read your other post, I would say that if you are really looking for a man who is free as a bird, flexible and available to spend time with you and travel whenever you want... you are going to have a difficult time dating anyone who is bound to a 9-5 job. They just won’t have the ability to be as flexible as you would want them to be and it will build resentment and unhappiness. Nothing wrong with wanting what you want. You just can’t fit a square peg into a round hole. I agree, and it also sounds like you might just need more togetherness than he does. Again, nothing wrong with that - on your part OR his. How old are both of you and how long have you been dating?
Author miss2017 Posted January 17, 2019 Author Posted January 17, 2019 I agree, and it also sounds like you might just need more togetherness than he does. Again, nothing wrong with that - on your part OR his. How old are both of you and how long have you been dating? I'm 35 and he is 38, we have been dating for a few months. He was very clingy in the beginning and always had time to be with me.
clia Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 It's not really that unusual for people to have occasional busy periods with their jobs. How often are you ideally wanting to see him? 2 or maybe 3 times a week seems reasonable to me after a few months of dating. You said you just saw him on Monday and today is Thursday (at least where I am), so it's only been a few days. Do you two have plans to see each other this weekend? Have you offered to drive to him to meet up to lessen the load on him after he's worked a long day?
Recommended Posts