16 months and not over it??

[Zoolander]

Hi, most of the back story is on my previous threads but long story short, we broke up after 2 and a bit years in October 2017. I struggled for the first 5 months and they were pretty tough, especially when i found out she was seeing someone new in January. Come April though, I was feeling better and thought i was beginning to get over the relationship.

 

Since then, I’ve dated a few girls and nothings really worked. Ive broken it off each time. Apart from feeling bad that I’ve hurt these girls, it doesn’t really bother me that I haven’t found anyone. I’m more than happy in my own company and since the break up i feel as if ive become a completely new person. I’m a lot more confident, happy, sociable and doing better in med school.

 

Lately,however, I feel as if I’ve thinking about her and the relationship a lot more. I know its futile as I’m a different person now and she is too and i know there’s no going back. We exchanged a couple of messages in September where she stated it would be a shame to end a 5 year friendship like that. ( I’ve been on here long enough to know that it was nothing more than just words).

 

I don’t know what it is though. While I know I’m a lot more comfortable and content with life now, I can’t help but think about her sometimes- not in a way that makes me feel upset. She comes to mind for a few minutes each day and it doesnt bother me like it used to. But it does frustrate me now and then. I feel it could be what holds me back from having successful relationships with the other women I’ve dated. Maybe a part of me stupidly thinks if we had another shot it may work but i know thats silly because i dont think id go back to her given the way she ended it and i felt lied to and very much led on.

 

If anyone could share some thoughts or perhaps could relate, id be very grateful

[frigginlost]

You sound healthy to me.

 

I still get pangs every now and again regarding a specific ex that ended 4 years ago. But, the pangs are not a hurt, it's just a drift of a thought of kind of "what if" thing. It's just your brain flushing out what little trauma is still there.

 

I took a 2 year break from dating and have dated a few, but I'm so content in "doing me" I don't know that I will ever want a serious all in relationship again. When you get to a point of being totally content in who you are and what you're about, you realize you don't really need anybody to be happy and healthy.

 

And it's right about that time, that someone walks into your life to change all that.

 

You sound fine. The right one will come along.

[Nilfiry]

People heal at different rates, so give yourself more time. The more you think about it, the more it will bother you, but it is not like everyone can just switch these thoughts on and off. However, over time, you will start to think about it less, and it will not bother you as much anymore.

[Isle]

I also broke up with my ex in October of 2017 and I can tell you from my experience that time is a great healer. That said, I still have days when I think about her. It's all part of the process. There is no simple answer; time is as good as it gets.

[divegrl]

This is where I’m at as well.

 

Have a beautiful day my friend.

[BC1980]

It's normal to think back about past relationships. As long as it's not affecting your ability to live your life or making you feel like you can't function, you're probably fine. Eventually, it becomes uninteresting to think about past relationships.

[Despr8]

I'm in the same boat with you bro and I'm probably worse because I'm a sucker for pain. After a year I broke contact and actually invited her for coffee to catch up knowing it's a mistake. She canceled for some lame excuse and it definitely reminded me I'm so far from her mind that any small excuse would've stopped her. People change and some change for the worse. I know some people get satisfaction years later when it doesn't even matter. How sad the irony always is they spring back with regret when you're in love with someone else. I believe people never lose true love, we just substitute or fill with other things. Pity things happen when it's too late. I'm very hopeful someone better is out there, but god I being in love and not dating.

 

All the best bro, the universe will restore it all and have someone better. There will be a karmic justice. I truly feel I've paid enough with my own mistakes so I try to be easy on myself.

[Beachead]

We're on the same timeline my friend. It's been 17 months for me and I feel the way you do as well.

 

I've noticed my mind drifts to my ex more so when life get overwhelming in other areas. The anxiety and stress can make me feel lost and alone.

 

Most my life, it was always me, myself and I. I have to pat myself on the back. I have to give myself a talk. I have to pull myself up. I didn't find many people out there who were interested enough to act on their attraction and at the same time, where that willingness to act was mutual...and that wasn't for a lack of trying. I put myself out there a lot but most ended up being short-term things or flings that fizzled out. On the rare occasion when things happened, it was over before I could comfortably settle into it. Almost everyone I knew though eventually got into relationships, got engaged or married despite my facing lots of rejection, lots of failure. And because of all of that, there is an undeniable fear of growing older and continuing as they have been, until I'm too old. That fear can make me long for my period of time where I felt loved, even if she was the one who left or even if the relationship was toxic.

 

So maybe your mind drifts to yours because of something else that's going on inside of you. Hope that sheds some light.

 

Ps. I wouldn't be too hard on ourselves. There's no specific time-frame on healing. It depends on a lot of things.

Edited January 20, 2019 by Beachead

[TeddyPSmith]

I’m a bit behind most of you. Just hitting the one year mark. I still think about her very often, daily actually. I can function now I like the first 6 months or so. I’m markedly improved but still get a wave of intense grief every month.

 

It does seem like time is the great healer. It healed her very quickly. She was dating someone else rather soon after leaving me. But some of us just take longer for some reason.

 

It’s really comforting to find this thread right now. I’m glad there are others out there.

[Beachead]

@TeddyPSmith

 

I sent you a private message. Thought I could shed some light on your situation and help you with your grief. Check your inbox if you get a chance.

 

- Beach