Am I friendzoned or is there a chance she might change her mind?

January 16, 2019

Met a girl from Bumble and here's how it's gone dating wise:

Sat 29 Dec - went for a few afternoon drinks.

Sun 30 Dec - Went out for a meal and more drinks, ended up staying over at hers kissing most of the night, slept together but we didn't have sex.

Mon 31 Dec - As I woke up at hers we took her dog for a walk in the park and spent most of the day together.

Tues 1 Jan - She came over to mine and we ordered Chinese, she didn't stay over.

Sat 5 Jan- Went for drinks, ended up staying at hers and we slept together, this time had sex.

Sun 6 Jan - Went for a meal and to the cinema.

Fri 11 Jan - She came over to mine and I cooked her a meal, she didn't stay over.

Didn't hear from her for a couple of days so asked what was going on, her response was:

"Sorry, keep meaning to message back my aunt’s staying at the moment. I’m getting nothing done. I feel we really get on and connect well which is what I’ve also been having some time to mull over, but I do think it might be more of a friendship forming than a romantic connection on my part."

I texted back with the following:

No worries at all and I can imagine it’s busy, hope you’re having a nice time though. Thank you for being honest and to be honest on my part, I do really fancy you and like you quite a bit so don’t think I could be just friends which I hope you understand. If there is still a chance let me know.

Any chance she might reach back out or should I give up all hope? I'm 38 and her 37 if that makes any difference.

Edited January 16, 2019 by richdeniro

January 16, 2019

Well, she might reach out, but if she does, it will only be friendship. She's already decided she's no longer interested romantically. Probably just a chemistry thing.

January 16, 2019

I would let this one go, OP. She isn't feeling it.

January 16, 2019

She likes you but doesn't lust you. You may be able to have sex occasionally but don't give this woman your heart. She doesn't want it. Keep looking for Ms. Right.

January 16, 2019

I agree that she isn’t in it as much as it seems you may be.

Another option would be after some time to evaluate the possibility of just friendship but right now with you second guessing still trying after what has transpired. I’d say to steer clear of any type of NSA type of relationship if you have feelings as it can set you up for trouble later.

January 16, 2019

It's pretty clear. She didn't respond because she didn't want to deal with rejecting you. Nobody wants to be "friends", she doesn't want to see you again and the let's be friends bit is the nicest way to say it.

Move on, she's already gone.

January 16, 2019

Sat 5 Jan- Went for drinks, ended up staying at hers and we slept together, this time had sex.
Sun 6 Jan - Went for a meal and to the cinema.
Fri 11 Jan - She came over to mine and I cooked her a meal, she didn't stay over.

Sadly, she wasn't feeling it after the sex. I'm guessing the 5th was the one and only time you were intimate with her. That was the deal-breaker for her.

January 16, 2019

Sadly, she wasn't feeling it after the sex. I'm guessing the 5th was the one and only time you were intimate with her. That was the deal-breaker for her.

Quite possibly that evening, I know I wasn't my best and have been thinking about it since. We'd had a few drinks and I was very nervous which made me anxious as I did really like her, did mention it to her and in the morning I was much better but I guess it wasn't enough.

January 16, 2019

There is some good and some bad here:

First, the bad part...

Didn't hear from her for a couple of days so asked what was going on

Worst thing you could have done. That sounds weak, needy, and like you have nothing else going on in your life other that waiting around to hear from her. Bad move.

, her response was:
"Sorry, keep meaning to message back my aunt’s staying at the moment. I’m getting nothing done.

That is a "throw away" excuse. Maybe it is true, maybe it isn't true, but it is not relevant either way.

I feel we really get on and connect well which is what I’ve also been having some time to mull over, but I do think it might be more of a friendship forming than a romantic connection on my part

She may hve been turned off by insecure neediness. The statement you made above that you should not have made didn't just come out of the blue,...there would have been symptoms of that peppered throughout your interactions up till that point. It is just like she said, after she had time to mull it over she came to the obvious conclusion, even though she may not have consciously noticed it right in the moment. Then there is the really BIG one,...you met her on Bumble, so don't be so naive to think you are the only guy waiting in line. She probably has a list of guys she is working her way through.

Now the good part...

No worries at all and I can imagine it’s busy, hope you’re having a nice time though. Thank you for being honest and to be honest on my part, I do really fancy you and like you quite a bit so don’t think I could be just friends which I hope you understand. If there is still a chance let me know.

Very good response. Never agree to friendship if that is not what you are looking for. However this DOES require that you be willing to walk away and not look back. This means that she HAS to be the one to reach out to you,...period. In the meantime you need to be going on dates with other women. You need to always have 2 or 3 in the mix until you narrow down to 1 by becoming exclusive with them. Never fixate on one woman at the exclusion of others when you first meet them. You will burn up a decade of your life that way and never get anywhere.

One other bad part...

You spent way way way too much time together right at the beginning. The first date should be maybe 2 hours and then part ways. It is important that you leave while she still wants to see a little more of you. That makes her miss you and it primes the desire for the 2nd date. You should only see each other once a week for the first few dates. Anticipation needs to get built up. Instead you acted like a married couple on the first date,...very bad move. You didn't part ways until she had "had enough" of you for the moment and went home (probably emotionally exhausted). This could also be a very big factor in getting friend zoned.

January 16, 2019

There is some good and some bad here:
First, the bad part...

Worst thing you could have done. That sounds weak, needy, and like you have nothing else going on in your life other that waiting around to hear from her. Bad move.

That is a "throw away" excuse. Maybe it is true, maybe it isn't true, but it is not relevant either way.

She may hve been turned off by insecure neediness. The statement you made above that you should not have made didn't just come out of the blue,...there would have been symptoms of that peppered throughout your interactions up till that point. It is just like she said, after she had time to mull it over she came to the obvious conclusion, even though she may not have consciously noticed it right in the moment. Then there is the really BIG one,...you met her on Bumble, so don't be so naive to think you are the only guy waiting in line. She probably has a list of guys she is working her way through.

Now the good part...
Very good response. Never agree to friendship if that is not what you are looking for. However this DOES require that you be willing to walk away and not look back. This means that she HAS to be the one to reach out to you,...period. In the meantime you need to be going on dates with other women. You need to always have 2 or 3 in the mix until you narrow down to 1 by becoming exclusive with them. Never fixate on one woman at the exclusion of others when you first meet them. You will burn up a decade of your life that way and never get anywhere.

One other bad part...
You spent way way way too much time together right at the beginning. The first date should be maybe 2 hours and then part ways. It is important that you leave while she still wants to see a little more of you. That makes her miss you and it primes the desire for the 2nd date. You should only see each other once a week for the first few dates. Anticipation needs to get built up. Instead you acted like a married couple on the first date,...very bad move. You didn't part ways until she had "had enough" of you for the moment and went home (probably emotionally exhausted). This could also be a very big factor in getting friend zoned.

I know I made plenty of mistakes along the way. The main reason we did hang out so much at the beginning was due to living 10 minutes walk from each other and both being off work due to the Christmas/New Year break. In hindsight we did hang out probably a bit too much, I don't think I came across as hanging around the sake of it though, she did ask me to stay with her and initiated a lot of the dates.

The problem also is it feels like a catch22 as we did meet on Bumble so I know she has a queue of other guys lining up to date her so I just feel I needed to keep her interested I suppose and not play hard to get.

Regarding asking what was going on, I only did that because we had hung out so much and she had messaged me a fair few times but then suddenly stopped as well as not replying to a normal kind of text. I figured after having spent all the time we did spend together we were in that place where I could, this is what I actually sent her:

Hey, is everything okay? Just haven't heard from you in a while. You can be up front with me if you have lost interest. I’d just rather know either way.

I don't think she made an excuse about her aunt, I did meet her briefly once and she often visits as her mum died a few years ago so they are very close but yep it's beside the point.

Maybe being with me triggered something. I know she was in a long term relationship up until last year and they sold their house they had bought together before going their separate ways, it sounds to me like he treated her badly too but she didn't divulge too much information there. She only recently moved into her own place after 6 months living with various friends and so only feels she's ready to start dating again. Maybe she saw how many options she had on Bumble and wanted to play the field a bit. Guess I'll never know.

January 16, 2019

People simply lose interest. Did it myself....got excited about a guy for a couple of weeks, then didn't feel it anymore. There wan't enough there to make it go any further. It is what it is.

January 16, 2019

PRW hit the nail on the head OP

January 16, 2019

i'd say this one is done. move on and don't contact her again. she might change her mind in a few months but that is unlikely. good luck

January 16, 2019

I know I made plenty of mistakes along the way. The main reason we did hang out so much at the beginning was due to living 10 minutes walk from each other and both being off work due to the Christmas/New Year break. In hindsight we did hang out probably a bit too much, I don't think I came across as hanging around the sake of it though, she did ask me to stay with her and initiated a lot of the dates.

None of that matters, and it is already what I know happened anyway. "She asked you to stay",...yea,...which is how you should leave her feeling. That is a lot better than leaving when "she says see wants you to go". Think that through for a bit.

... so I just feel I needed to keep her interested I suppose and not play hard to get.

It doesn't work that way. There is no way that you can "keep someone interested". The psychology just doesn't work like that. The "play hard to get" idea is BS. Having a life, not being fixated on someone, and not being available 24/7 is not the same concept as "playing hard to get". Been watching too many movies.

Hey, is everything okay? Just haven't heard from you in a while. You can be up front with me if you have lost interest. I’d just rather know either way

That is the worst possible thing you could have said. It translates to this: "Hey, I know I'm unworthy and you are about to dump me like they all do. So please please tell me for sure so I can validate the view I have of myself". Now granted, you may not think that is what you were saying,...but that it what your were telling her and that is the way she is going to emotionally absorb it.

Maybe being with me triggered something. I know she was in a long term relationship up until last year and they sold their house they had bought together before going their separate ways, it sounds to me like he treated her badly too

No you didn't trigger anything. Don't buy into that. If a chick is really into you she won't even remember the Ex. What Ex? Ex who? The last point is to never let them make you their therapist and complain all about their "Ex" to you,...and you don't bring up any of your Ex's either. Change the subject (politely and gracefully) when they bring that crap up. The date is about the two of you, what you are doing in the moment,...and nothing else. It isn't about drama or past soap operas. Your job on the date is to make sure that she had fun and went home with good happy feelings about you, and wishing she could have been able to spend just a little more time with you,...so she will look forward to the next one. Edited January 16, 2019 by PRW

January 16, 2019

Enjoy the time you had with her.

She's not interested in romance, and she politely said so. Credit to her.

People don't really change their mind about who they want to date ... once in a rare moon perhaps ... And people in your position delude themselves (many of us have done this at some point) thinking someone is going to change their minds.

Let go and move on.

January 17, 2019

Sounds like an excuse to me, then again whenever a guy pulled that, I never ended up dating him.

January 18, 2019

Am I friendzoned?

Yes. She said so. You should listen.

Or is there a chance she might change her mind?

Chances of that are about 100 to 1. If she does, it won't be because you hung around to see what happens. Drop her and don't look back.

January 18, 2019

Met a girl from Bumble and here's how it's gone dating wise:

Sat 29 Dec - went for a few afternoon drinks.
Sun 30 Dec - Went out for a meal and more drinks, ended up staying over at hers kissing most of the night, slept together but we didn't have sex.
Mon 31 Dec - As I woke up at hers we took her dog for a walk in the park and spent most of the day together.
Tues 1 Jan - She came over to mine and we ordered Chinese, she didn't stay over.
Sat 5 Jan- Went for drinks, ended up staying at hers and we slept together, this time had sex.
Sun 6 Jan - Went for a meal and to the cinema.
Fri 11 Jan - She came over to mine and I cooked her a meal, she didn't stay over.

Didn't hear from her for a couple of days so asked what was going on, her response was:
"Sorry, keep meaning to message back my aunt’s staying at the moment. I’m getting nothing done. I feel we really get on and connect well which is what I’ve also been having some time to mull over, but I do think it might be more of a friendship forming than a romantic connection on my part."

I texted back with the following:
No worries at all and I can imagine it’s busy, hope you’re having a nice time though. Thank you for being honest and to be honest on my part, I do really fancy you and like you quite a bit so don’t think I could be just friends which I hope you understand. If there is still a chance let me know.

Any chance she might reach back out or should I give up all hope? I'm 38 and her 37 if that makes any difference.

I'm not the biggest fan of wasting hope on another human being that has their own will and mind especially when they spoke where they stand. If I were you I would assume I'm friend zoned and just move on. It's better to be surprised by someone changing their mind then hoping they change their mind and it never happens. That's time that could be spent getting to know a girl who is truly interested in my opinion.

January 19, 2019

only by giving up hope (and moving on) do you have any hope here brother

January 19, 2019

Listen to this wise man PRW. He knows how female brains work and he knows how relationships should be. I couldn't have said anything better.

There is some good and some bad here:
First, the bad part...
Now the good part...

January 19, 2019

Met a girl from Bumble and here's how it's gone dating wise:

Sat 29 Dec - went for a few afternoon drinks.
Sun 30 Dec - Went out for a meal and more drinks, ended up staying over at hers kissing most of the night, slept together but we didn't have sex.
Mon 31 Dec - As I woke up at hers we took her dog for a walk in the park and spent most of the day together.
Tues 1 Jan - She came over to mine and we ordered Chinese, she didn't stay over.
Sat 5 Jan- Went for drinks, ended up staying at hers and we slept together, this time had sex.
Sun 6 Jan - Went for a meal and to the cinema.
Fri 11 Jan - She came over to mine and I cooked her a meal, she didn't stay over.

Didn't hear from her for a couple of days so asked what was going on, her response was:
"Sorry, keep meaning to message back my aunt’s staying at the moment. I’m getting nothing done. I feel we really get on and connect well which is what I’ve also been having some time to mull over, but I do think it might be more of a friendship forming than a romantic connection on my part."

I texted back with the following:
No worries at all and I can imagine it’s busy, hope you’re having a nice time though. Thank you for being honest and to be honest on my part, I do really fancy you and like you quite a bit so don’t think I could be just friends which I hope you understand. If there is still a chance let me know.

Any chance she might reach back out or should I give up all hope? I'm 38 and her 37 if that makes any difference.

nah. She is not attracted to you. She enjoys the dates and the free meals and the attention, but she's not that much into you. She'd be sleeping with you or getting into an exclusive relationship with you if she wanted you. She's probably sleeping with other men.

January 19, 2019

She's probably sleeping with other men.

that's highly likely sabaton

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