Robert77 Posted January 15, 2019 Posted January 15, 2019 I'm in a long distance relationship with a woman my same age (early 50s), both divorced. I'm solidly middle class, mortgage, car payment, take a vacation or two a year, nothing crazy. She is considerably better off financially than I am. She's very humble about it, doesn't brag about it or anything, but she has had a much richer life experience than I have. Has done extensive traveling, owns a large home and car outright. We have a fantastic, loving relationship (been dating 6 months, talk and text every day, see each other once or twice a month) but I can't get over some feelings of inadequacies. She is able to take advantage of the freedom and niceties that having money bring. I, on the other hand, have to be more careful with my money. I brought this up to a therapist recently, and she turned it around. She said to consider if I were the one with the wealth and my GF didn't have as much, would it affect how I felt about her. It was an excellent point, and I said that, no it wouldn't matter at all. But I'm still having trouble feeling like I can't compete. She'll mention something she had done with her ex-husband and I think to myself, "Nope, never going to afford a trip like that." I've talked to her about it and she says that, indeed, none of that matters, and I believe her, so why can't I get past this? Am I falling into the 1950's trap of the man "must provide" for the woman? Or is it just plain ole envy? Any advice on how people from two different stations in life can come together and stay together would be welcome. Thank you!
Osho Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 (edited) I grew up in a small house on the gritty side of town. But live in a very pricey gated community. I don’t share this with many who know me. I’d rather people get to know me and not the things I own. Most of the time this works amazing. But some find out and they change when really it’s all linked to their own self insecurities. I don’t view anyone any different because of their “status”. In my beliefs reincarnation is very big. There’s a great purpose to not being rich and successful in every life. And tbh I enjoy life more with the class I was raised in not with not the class society would group me in. Success is overrated. Some let money and power blind them while some use it to live. You have a choice to enjoy her or be miserable and focus on what you don’t have and didn’t achieve in comparison to her. Happy is definitely a choice I’d go with. Edited January 16, 2019 by Osho 1
d0nnivain Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 More often then not, I have been the woman with more financial security then some men I dated. I brought more to the party when DH & I married but with my help, he's catching up. Your GF has her own bank account & her own money. She doesn't need you to provide for her. She needs you for companionship, for you. Money doesn't keep her warm at night. Money doesn't make her laugh. She's with you because she LIKES YOU. 2
Andy_K Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 Money does not define you. Your job does not define you. Your value to other people and the world at large is how you interact with it. Who you help, who you make happy, not how much you spend on cars, holidays, and property. You can earn a big bonus at work and feel worthless. You can help a stranger fix their car and feel like a million dollars. How do you want to value yourself? 2
Mrs._December Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 Money does not define you. Your job does not define you. Your value to other people and the world at large is how you interact with it. Who you help, who you make happy, not how much you spend on cars, holidays, and property. You can earn a big bonus at work and feel worthless. You can help a stranger fix their car and feel like a million dollars. How do you want to value yourself? While those words are very pretty and sound very noble, the truth of the matter is that it DOES matter for a lot of people. Sorry, but it does. The OP is in his 50's which means his generation was basically raised to believe the man provides for the family. While the Women's Rights movement was going on at that time, the fact still remains he was raised during a time people were still taught this principle. It is what it is. OP, I totally get why you feel the way you do. I don't have a magic answer as to how you can wipe away years of what you were raised to believe, though. I guess as you continue along with this lady maybe you'll learn to relax your views more. 1
Andy_K Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 While those words are very pretty and sound very noble, the truth of the matter is that it DOES matter for a lot of people. Sorry, but it does. In the extremes, sure. If you're borderline destitute or a multi-millionaire, that's going to affect how people see you. But anywhere in between? Most people simply don't care. Not unless they want you to spend money on them.
JuneL Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 Since you’ve spoken to her about your being uncomfortable, I hope she would be more sensitive about not mentioning those luxury things she had enjoyed with her ex-husband. What’s the point of her doing that anyway?
PRW Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 I am in a similar situation. Most single women that I know and spent time around are Doctors, Nurses (or otherwise in the medical fields), Lawyers, and some in the media. Some make double and maybe even triple the income I do. I brought this up to a therapist recently, and she turned it around. She said to consider if I were the one with the wealth and my GF didn't have as much, would it affect how I felt about her. It was an excellent point, and I said that, no it wouldn't matter at all.You therapist has a lot to learn. The therapist is wrong. Hypergamy is real and it is biologically ingrained in women. Below is a link to a video that is by a woman. She is gorgeous, single, no boyfriend, but more importantly she is a Doctor and very high IQ. I think think she does a great job of explaining the situation. The Great Game: Hypergamy vs. Love This is her older video on the subject that she mentions at the beginning of the previous one I listed. Thoughts on hypergamy (as a woman) I've talked to her about it and she says that, indeed, none of that matters, and I believe her, so why can't I get past this? Am I falling into the 1950's trap of the man "must provide" for the woman? Or is it just plain ole envy?The masculine role as a provider is also biologically ingrained in men. You are just going to have to push past it,...there is no magic pill to take. If you don't do that your insecurities WILL destroy the relationship. So get over it. Perhaps the woman you are with has already pushed past the issue on her side of it, and if that is true then recognize her for the "gold" that she is. 2
Gretchen12 Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 You may choose not to date her. It's like some men choose not to date women who are taller, stronger, smarter, older (when both are yoing), more talented, more friends, etc. They can call it being "turned off" by the women who is more in those area. And some men are "turned off" by rich women and simply choose not to date them. The men don't always consider it as an insecurity or feeling less dominant but rather speak of it as a personal preference or compatibility. Of course you can choose a woman who is more than you in one of these areas. You just can't change her. If you really like her otherwise, just make a conscious choice and live with it. It's like choosing to date a taller woman. After you made that choice, it is what it is.
Juha Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 Money does not define you. Your job does not define you. Your value to other people and the world at large is how you interact with it. Who you help, who you make happy, not how much you spend on cars, holidays, and property Sorry but this is sounds all nice and good but is not really what goes on. To lots of people who are dating, looking for a relationship this is very, very important to them. What you do for a job, the amount of money you make, and if you own a property will all sway a person to date or not date you. It may be sad but it is 100% true in this day and age. Money and assets are the single most important thing when dating and being evaluated for a relationship. This is more for big cities than rural and country areas. 1
PRW Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 It may be sad but it is 100% true in this day and age. Money and assets are the single most important thing when dating and being evaluated for a relationship. This is more for big cities than rural and country areas. Yes, but I would not call it sad. It isn't the money or possessions that is the attraction, it is the skill, characteristics, and abilities that someone has which resulted in those things that make them attractive. 1
JuneL Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 Yes, but I would not call it sad. It isn't the money or possessions that is the attraction, it is the skill, characteristics, and abilities that someone has which resulted in those things that make them attractive. I don’t disagree with you, personally. However you also see certain women flock to millionaire heirs who live on inheritance.
basil67 Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 I feel like the conversation has gotten off track. Whether or not money matters to society in general is completely irrelevant to the conversation. The only thing that matters here is how you and your partner feel about the financial difference. I agree that she's with you because of who you are as a person.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 Relationships where the woman earns more are rare, because in most cases women don't respect a romantic partner who earns less or is less financially secure, and in this scenario, men often feel inadequate, disrespected, or pressured. However, if she's telling and showing you she doesn't care about it, you can try to accept it and make your peace with it. My new boyfriend has less money and financial savvy than most of the men I've had relationships with - but I'm much happier with him for many reasons beyond money. We have a blast together, he's very romantic and attentive, expressive, generous, affectionate, strong and manly, a goofball who makes me laugh all the time, a gentleman, loving, best sex of my life by a mile. All the millions in the world couldn't buy any of that. 1
manfrombelow2 Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 Exactly. There's nothing "sad" about this whole thing. It's natural. It's the law of the universe. Yes, but I would not call it sad. It isn't the money or possessions that is the attraction, it is the skill, characteristics, and abilities that someone has which resulted in those things that make them attractive.
edgygirl Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 I married a millionaire heir but didn't even know he was one. I loved him and his personality to death and that was #1 reason I was attracted to him. It also helped he was exactly my type physically But in my city millionaire heirs are usually working people... they don't stay home doing nothing, quite the opposite. I don’t disagree with you, personally. However you also see certain women flock to millionaire heirs who live on inheritance. 1
edgygirl Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 Agree 100% It isn't the money or possessions that is the attraction, it is the skill, characteristics, and abilities that someone has which resulted in those things that make them attractive. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 It depends how large the gap is. It also depends how ambitious and hard working you are. For me it’s the personality type that comes with men that are for example over 40 and still work student type jobs. It’s hard to respect them. As the opposite example I know a man who is 39. He has a PhD and after working contract types of jobs for close to a decade, he decided to go back to school and retrain in another area. He now has an entry level job earning very little. I would have no problem dating him. The other example is someone who sits at home doing nothing but has inherited a large sum of money. Despite the money, I wouldn’t respect him. The problem is that often hard work and ambition go together with higher income, so people tend to confuse the two. 1
snowcones Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 (edited) You talked about it with her, but I think that you should have more in depth discussions about this. You mentioned your insecuries are partly stemming from the fact that you can't afford to participate in some of the things she does. Ask her how you two will get through these dilemmas, and think ahead of time about how you feel about her treating you if she does. Think about how you feel if she doesn't treat you and does these things without you. I'm middle income and was raised middle income and I can actually relate to you. I had a very close childhood friend who later on in our early teens became a celebrity and thus became very wealthy. I remember feeling uncomfortable once her lifestyle started changing, to the point where I stopped hanging around her by the time we were 20. I just couldn't afford to do the things she did and the things she had grown accustomed to doing and I felt embarrassed that I couldn't do them, and I wasn't going to always be mooching off of her. She was devastated by my pulling back, even though I never told her why I stopped hanging out with her. 30+ years later we have reconnected just this week and she is still relevant and even more wealthy. And I am still middle income. I have examined my feelings about it and plan to talk to her about. It should be an interesting discussion. Edited January 17, 2019 by snowcones
elaine567 Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 It also depends how ambitious and hard working you are. He is early 50s, the time for him amassing a huge fortune is gone. He knows where he is at, and where he is at, is never going to afford the expensive trips his gf took with her ex, nor can he keep up with her normal way of spending as she has a lot more money. I think she needs to keep quiet about what she did with her ex, as no-one wants to hear that, whether they can afford those trips or not.
miss2017 Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 I'm in a long distance relationship with a woman my same age (early 50s), both divorced. I'm solidly middle class, mortgage, car payment, take a vacation or two a year, nothing crazy. She is considerably better off financially than I am. She's very humble about it, doesn't brag about it or anything, but she has had a much richer life experience than I have. Has done extensive traveling, owns a large home and car outright. We have a fantastic, loving relationship (been dating 6 months, talk and text every day, see each other once or twice a month) but I can't get over some feelings of inadequacies. She is able to take advantage of the freedom and niceties that having money bring. I, on the other hand, have to be more careful with my money. I brought this up to a therapist recently, and she turned it around. She said to consider if I were the one with the wealth and my GF didn't have as much, would it affect how I felt about her. It was an excellent point, and I said that, no it wouldn't matter at all. But I'm still having trouble feeling like I can't compete. She'll mention something she had done with her ex-husband and I think to myself, "Nope, never going to afford a trip like that." I've talked to her about it and she says that, indeed, none of that matters, and I believe her, so why can't I get past this? Am I falling into the 1950's trap of the man "must provide" for the woman? Or is it just plain ole envy? Any advice on how people from two different stations in life can come together and stay together would be welcome. Thank you! There's a keyword in your text that I don't even know if you noticed when you wrote it: "compete". You are on competition mode with her, and that shouldn't be the mindset of a relationship. You should be a team, helping each other grow. A COLLABORATION instead or competition. Whilst you stay in that "compete" mindset, you'll always feel inadequate and that has nothing to do with her, but with your own self-esteem and self-worth issues. I think you should be more concerned with it being long-distance and you only seeing each other twice a month. 1
Tamfana Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 Try to check yourself when you feel yourself comparing and competing with your partner. If her wealth and experience bother you now, other things will likely bother you in the future. You may find yourself unable to be supportive or sincerely happy and excited when she succeeds or her wealth grows in the future. That would be a pity since you are generally happy together.
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