Great Tinder Date with a Girl who has a bf (but he is leaving the country in ~10days)

January 14, 2019

Hey Everyone,

Little background to give the following situation context: 5 months ago I found out my girlfriend of 3.5 years had cheated on me twice with the same guy in a single week. We broke up upon my finding out, and I have been single since. I've been as active as possible (lifting weights 5x weekly or more, spending as much time as I can with friends and family, and yes, downloaded basically all the dating apps I could). I have been on many dates since the breakup, slept with several of them, and still find myself in this state of mind where I don't really care for a long-term girlfriend, but enjoy meeting new women, building up my dating skills again (its been 4 years), and just trying to have fun, hangout, and hookup (if something serious develops, I will allow it - just has not happened). I am not opposed to a relationship, but I know I am still in a healing phase.

Just had a date three nights ago (friday evening). I matched with her on Tinder on thursday evening, proceeded to get her number and setup a date for the next day (note: she offered to hang same night, I declined since it was 10pm and I was in bed for work the next day).

We go to a local bar, have 2-3 drinks over the course of 3ish hours and as the date comes to a conclusion (still in the bar), we begin touching and kissing in the booth we were in. I walk her to her car, and she offered to give me a ride down the block to where I parked my car. We ended up making out for like 15 minutes in her car and she tells me it is the "best first date she has had in a very long time". I maintained my cool, and told her I was glad she enjoyed it. She immediately asked me if I had a good time, and I just said "What do you think?" with a little smirk and proceeded to kiss her again for another few minutes.

Here is the dilemma - I suspect she has a boyfriend. Upon matching on Tinder, I did what a lot of guys do and finally found her FB profile, where I could see she has some guy she was with, as recent as a couple of weeks ago. During the date, she brought up the idea of going out again, so I asked what her schedule was like next weekend. At this point, she got a little nervous look on her face and gave me a vague answer about how she is helping a couple of "Friends" move out of the country and they leave in ~10 days (the tuesday after the weekend I asked about her availability). I left it at that, and didn't push the 2nd date or question it further. She said she didn't want the date to end, but she has a new puppy (she showed me photos) that she needed to get home to (which I understand and was cool about).

So I hypothesize this guy (who has a very foreign sounding name, yes I found his FB too), is moving back to wherever he is originally from.

My question is, how would you handle this situation? She is very very pretty and has a great personality (for my liking; a bit nerdy, but in the cute way). Traditionally, I will reach back out in a couple days (so monday-tuesday) to re-initiate contact and setup another date. With her sounding "busy" for the next 10ish days, how/when would you try to setup another date? Her signals tell me she was into me, and the "best first date" is surely nice to hear (but could be the only first date in x-years due to her suspected BF). Also note: I have a vacation the coming week and will be gone until next weekend when I return, so the option of a mid-week date is not possible for me here.

Typically, I wait 3-5 days after a first date to re-initiate and setup a second date. However, should I just wait a full 10 days after date #1 to re-initiate, due to the suspected BF who is leaving?

Disclosure: I don't necessarily care to go long-term with the girl (given the fact she was on Tinder, while I suspect she has a bf), but she is so cute, and fun, so obviously, I want to see her again and get more physical/intimate next time.

Sorry for the long post, but it would be great to get some quality feedback if possible. Thank you and have a great weekend!

-BJP

January 14, 2019

It's obvious she's not ready to tell you of her situation and it may not look like what it is. It's very possible they are splitting up. There is no ring on her finger so she is fair game. Sure take her out on another date, but never assume you are the only one. She could be simply putting herself back on the market to test the waters.

January 14, 2019

Sure take her out on another date, but never assume you are the only one. She could be simply putting herself back on the market to test the waters.

I agree with this entirely. Usually, I'm a believer that "less is more" in a situation like this, however given the context of how we met (within 24 hours of matching on Tinder), it has me second-guessing.

She definitely made it sound like she is busy until tuesday of next week (a week from tomorrow), and I happen to be out of town all of this week until saturday anyways, so contacting her something like today seems way too early.

I think I will wait until Sunday afternoon to reach out, say it was nice meeting her the previous week and ask if she is available sometime soon to get out together again.

What would some of you recommend for next actions, if I want to see her again after her suspected bf is gone?

January 14, 2019

I'm not really seeing a clear indication that she has a bf.

Not really following the evidence here.

That said, even if you can't get together right away, you should keep in touch with her and not wait a week to reach out.

If I were her, I'd assume you weren't that interested if you waited till next Sunday.

I think you are playing things to cool in some ways, which leads me to my next point...

I maintained my cool, and told her I was glad she enjoyed it

Drop the overly mysterious BS.

Tell a woman had a good time too without her having to ask you.

January 14, 2019

I'm not really seeing a clear indication that she has a bf.
Not really following the evidence here.

Did you read the part about her acting nervous about her "friend" that is moving out of the country? Also, upon investigating on FB, it is majorly obvious that the dude was (at some point) the bf. Pictures together, endearing captions, etc.

It is glaringly obvious that she has had this bf, at least up until recently. I think you missed a lot in my original post. If she told me she is busy anyways until 10ish days after our first date, why in the world would I reach out before? That seems so weak and needy, since she knows that I already know, she is unavailable for over a week.

January 14, 2019

Ask her out, and see if she can sneak out for another meet up. Keep it simple, not formal stuff like dinner. I'm sure she will clear a couples of hours to have a few drinks again.

January 14, 2019

Did you read the part about her acting nervous about her "friend" that is moving out of the country? Also, upon investigating on FB, it is majorly obvious that the dude was (at some point) the bf. Pictures together, endearing captions, etc.

It is glaringly obvious that she has had this bf, at least up until recently. I think you missed a lot in my original post. If she told me she is busy anyways until 10ish days after our first date, why in the world would I reach out before? That seems so weak and needy, since she knows that I already know, she is unavailable for over a week.

Yes I read your post.

He could be an exbf.

Doesn't mean they are still together.

If you really think she has a bf not sure why you'd bother pursuing a dishonest woman.

Because a week of no contact is a long time.

I would totally lose all interest.

January 14, 2019

Yes I read your post.
He could be an exbf.
Doesn't mean they are still together.
If you really think she has a bf not sure why you'd bother pursuing a dishonest woman.

Because a week of no contact is a long time.
I would totally lose all interest.

Because he is MOVING OUT OF THE COUNTRY.

Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

January 14, 2019

Ask her out, and see if she can sneak out for another meet up. Keep it simple, not formal stuff like dinner. I'm sure she will clear a couples of hours to have a few drinks again.

Thanks - I do plan to do this. My question is a matter of “when” to re-initiate.

So I have two options:

1 - reach out 10 days after the first date, once the suspected bf is gone and once she is available (which she stated on the date she was going to be busy until then, plus I am gone all of this week until Saturday night anyways).

2 - do my normal routine where I re-initiate after 3-6 days from the first date and proceed to line up a second date for the following week

Or a combo of both: message her today or tomorrow saying it was nice to meet her (even though she already knows this, since we ended the date with making out — reference original post). And then wait until Sunday to actually ask her out.

January 14, 2019

Olivetree - the point is that she already told me she cannot do anything until after she see's this person off on their move to another country. If I am right, it is a mutual breakup due to distance, but who knows.

I am not sure if contacting early is even necessary because (a) she told me she is busy until midweek next week, and (b) it would just re-iterate what we already discussed in her car after the date (that we both had a good time, even though I did not physically say it, my actions "showed" it through my playful joking of saying"what do you think?".

Contacting before I know she is available seems like a waste of effort. If she is into me, and it was her "best first date ever", then what should be said if I do contact her before I planned on? (say midweek this week, rather than sunday).

Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

January 14, 2019

You are assuming/"hypothesizing" that the bf is the person moving out of the country, because he has a foreign name??? but she said "2 friends" so it could be anyone or it could be no-one and she is merely spinning you a line.

She could easily be just cheating on her bf behind his back. He may be leaving for work/holiday in 10 days so she knows she can get away easier then...

OR

The fact she put you off for 10 days may mean she is not that interested... by 10 days she may just have disappeared...

Take everything with a pinch of salt until you get more info.

January 14, 2019

Thanks - I do plan to do this. My question is a matter of “when” to re-initiate.

So I have two options:
1 - reach out 10 days after the first date, once the suspected bf is gone and once she is available (which she stated on the date she was going to be busy until then, plus I am gone all of this week until Saturday night anyways).

2 - do my normal routine where I re-initiate after 3-6 days from the first date and proceed to line up a second date for the following week

Or a combo of both: message her today or tomorrow saying it was nice to meet her (even though she already knows this, since we ended the date with making out — reference original post). And then wait until Sunday to actually ask her out.

Just ask her tomorrow. If you leave it too long, she's gonna think you didn't have much interest or you found a better option.

January 14, 2019

Olivetree - the point is that she already told me she cannot do anything until after she see's this person off on their move to another country. If I am right, it is a mutual breakup due to distance, but who knows.

I am not sure if contacting early is even necessary because (a) she told me she is busy until midweek next week, and (b) it would just re-iterate what we already discussed in her car after the date (that we both had a good time, even though I did not physically say it, my actions "showed" it through my playful joking of saying"what do you think?".

Contacting before I know she is available seems like a waste of effort. If she is into me, and it was her "best first date ever", then what should be said if I do contact her before I planned on? (say midweek this week, rather than sunday).

It's possible that they have already broken up but remain close and she wants to spend time with him before he leaves.

She is still emotionally tied to him and is trying to move on through Tinder.

So while it's possible she doesn't have a bf, she could be emotionally unavailable.

I say this because you see that kind of hot and heavy behaviour when someone is fresh out of a relationship and has baggage.

She came on strong like she has nothing to lose / is looking for a distraction.

But then when you actually said you want to see her again she gets scared and pulls back because she isn't actually ready.

While the above scenario doesn't bother you, it still may not easy to pursue because ppl fresh out of relationships are likely to go hot and cold on you if they suspect you want more than they do.

So that said...going a week without contact is still a long time IMO.

Maybe less so in this case if she really is recently single / overlapping the end of a relationship.

You could reach out midweek and just banter/flirt with her.

See how that goes and then ask her out again.

Personally, if I'm into a guy, I like it when he contacts right away.

January 14, 2019

NEW DEVELOPMENT! I have confirmation that the guy is the "friend" who is moving. On a recent post, it was said he is moving back to his home country in a few weeks.

So my suspicion about the specific guy being the "friend" who is moving is entirely correct.

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Great Tinder Date with a Girl who has a bf (but he is leaving the country in ~10days)

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