Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) <snip>A few weeks ago you posed that he's driving you crazy, making you nuts, and you want to cut your "together time" to a few days per week because you need your alone time. A week later you're talking marriage and moving in together. How can you not see a problem with this?? Yes I do see a problem with this. Maybe I wasn't seeing it so clearly when he proposed, but I am seeing it now. Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 2
Normm Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 Good. So if and when he wants to reconcile, take a deep breath and go slowly, if at all. From what I've read so far my guess is this thing is far from over.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Posted January 14, 2019 Good. So if and when he wants to reconcile, take a deep breath and go slowly, if at all. From what I've read so far my guess is this thing is far from over. He wants time and space to think things through, and I'm basically just going to do the same. 1
alphamale Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 He wants time and space to think things through, and I'm basically just going to do the same. yes, some time apart will reveal how strong or weak your bond is
Normm Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 yes, some time apart will reveal how strong or weak your bond is I'm thinking the time they spent together spoke volumes about their bond.
stillafool Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 He truly broke my heart and I don't know if I can go back to where I was before. At least not with him. Then don't go back.
Simple Logic Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 This ocassion has caused him to rethink his marriage decision. Hopefully there will be more occasions along the way for both your re-evaluation. Keep in mind he has made a proposal. The deal is not sealed until the marriage. It is part of the process.
BaileyB Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) Then don't go back. Not saying that he is a good guy or that this relationship is a mature, healthy relationship... But, I do get the sense that there is a whole lot of drama in this relationship... It's good that you are taking some time OP. Just know, if you have to do this often it is the sign that there is trouble and you are not well matched. And, if you get back together... Take it slow and watch your expectations. Good luck. Edited January 14, 2019 by BaileyB 1
Versacehottie Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 Actually all my friends and family have met him and adore him and are happy we were engaged. Same with his friends and family. I know it's not a long time (4 months) but it came from a good place for both of us. But actually my original OP is not about the marriage proposal and 4 months, is about what happened after that. The context is almost always, if not always, important. The fact that it is not even 4 months has absolute meaning to why you would be bewildered by this behavior and why someone who had "proposed" to you, flip-flopped within days. It's impulsive, immature and you both probably don't know each other very well, despite whatever you feel in these initial stages. Given the circumstances, i don't think a flip-flop is unusual at all. If anything, this should be evidence that you both would do well to learn a lot more about each other, including fighting styles. ps i don't think his style of retreating after an argument and doubting the relationship is abnormal for guys. Usually the stakes aren't so high though. But maybe you should take a proposal that comes not even 4 months after dating with a grain of salt. I would. Good luck
Interstellar Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 I don't deserve a man that comes to my house, sits on my sofa to have a conversation and to tell me in my face he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, after asking me to marry him. Please can you give me some advice. I'm feeling so sad and confused at the moment. Thank you. What are both of your ages? 1
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Posted January 14, 2019 What are both of your ages? I'm 32, he's 35.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Posted January 14, 2019 The context is almost always, if not always, important. The fact that it is not even 4 months has absolute meaning to why you would be bewildered by this behavior and why someone who had "proposed" to you, flip-flopped within days. It's impulsive, immature and you both probably don't know each other very well, despite whatever you feel in these initial stages. Given the circumstances, i don't think a flip-flop is unusual at all. If anything, this should be evidence that you both would do well to learn a lot more about each other, including fighting styles. ps i don't think his style of retreating after an argument and doubting the relationship is abnormal for guys. Usually the stakes aren't so high though. But maybe you should take a proposal that comes not even 4 months after dating with a grain of salt. I would. Good luck Yes agree, a marriage proposal after only 4 months should be taken with a grain of salt. But hey, my own parents got engaged within 2 weeks of meeting each other, and after 40 years together they still love each other very much. So, you never know, right? Anyway, I think he has all the right to questioning the relationship and if he wants to be with me. The thing is (in my opinion) the right thing to do would be to take time on his own and process all the doubts and questions on his own. Then reach to me when he has taken a decision, either to continue and solve things or break up. Because it might even have been only 4 months, but proposing to someone is a commitment. Is serious. So he should have at least some respect to me and to that, and not tell me to MY FACE that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. No need to say that to my face after having put a ring on my finger. It would be less hurtful if he processes all his doubts and questions on his own and then reach to me and say he wants to break up. It just feels that is all about him and what he wants, and that he doesn't care about how he's making me feel. Not nice.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 Because it might even have been only 4 months, but proposing to someone is a commitment. Is serious. So he should have at least some respect to me and to that, and not tell me to MY FACE that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. No need to say that to my face after having put a ring on my finger. It would be less hurtful if he processes all his doubts and questions on his own and then reach to me and say he wants to break up. It just feels that is all about him and what he wants, and that he doesn't care about how he's making me feel. Not nice. This is why 4 months is way too fast; you don't know him well enough to know how he functions in a relationship and how seriously he takes a proposal. This is the period in which you learn about what exactly you're signing up for. It's not the time to commit to the unknown. You two put the cart before the horse and you're seeing why that was not a wise decision. Yeah, it might work out for some, but by and large, it's foolish to rush headfirst down the freeway without first properly and fully informing yourself about what's around the corner.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Posted January 14, 2019 This is why 4 months is way too fast; you don't know him well enough to know how he functions in a relationship and how seriously he takes a proposal. This is the period in which you learn about what exactly you're signing up for. It's not the time to commit to the unknown. You two put the cart before the horse and you're seeing why that was not a wise decision. Yeah, it might work out for some, but by and large, it's foolish to rush headfirst down the freeway without first properly and fully informing yourself about what's around the corner. Agree, but even without the wedding proposal, this would still be bad, to tell me to my face he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore without first processing his emotions on his own.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) He also said that him running away and calling it quits is how he deals with conflict and that he doesn't want the same things to happen again that happened in his past relationship that ended 3 years ago. This is a man who told me "I love you" after our first date. Now I see clearly how I should have taken that as a red flag and I should have been the one running for the hills! Edited January 14, 2019 by pandagirl2018
elaine567 Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 He is 35. I am guessing this is not the first time he has pulled this stunt. What is his previous dating history like? He basically lovebombed you to the point of smothering you, took it to the extreme and asked to marry you, but now he is pulling back just as fast. If I am right, you are now in the process of being totally discarded...
ExpatInItaly Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 Agree, but even without the wedding proposal, this would still be bad, to tell me to my face he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore without first processing his emotions on his own. Yes, of course. This is why it's best to stick to simply dating someone for a while, so you can see how he reacts to conflict and where his mind and heart really are. Saying "I love you" after the first date was indeed a huge red flag. Now you're seeing all the other ones.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Posted January 14, 2019 He is 35. I am guessing this is not the first time he has pulled this stunt. What is his previous dating history like? He basically lovebombed you to the point of smothering you, took it to the extreme and asked to marry you, but now he is pulling back just as fast. If I am right, you are now in the process of being totally discarded... Actually that's funny because I asked him that yesterday, if that's the way he is with everyone else and everything else in his life, and he basically said yes. He runs away from confrontations instead of facing and dealing with things. His previous dating history according to him is he was together with someone for 10 years (didn't marry) and had a son. The relatonship ended 3 years ago and he didn't have a single date in those 3 years up until he met me. So I'm his first date in 3 years that he's been alone and in 13 years since he met his ex. I feel I am in the process of being discarded and he's making it a painful one. Maybe he's waiting for me to be fed up and end things, so making life easier for him.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) Yes, of course. This is why it's best to stick to simply dating someone for a while, so you can see how he reacts to conflict and where his mind and heart really are. Saying "I love you" after the first date was indeed a huge red flag. Now you're seeing all the other ones. There were many red flags. The "I love you" after the first date, the smothering and wanting to please me all the time and do things for me ALL-THE-TIME, the wedding proposal, the pressure to move in together... Now that I'm writing this it feels like a predator surrounding his prey. And he's now acting like a spoiled child that didn't have his favority toy and is doing a tantrum. Probably waiting for me to end things, so making his life easier and he staying in victim mode. To be honest I don't see him the same way and I don't know if I should just end things, or just ignore him. Anyway, he's got stuff in my house he would have to come back and collect and I don't want to see him or have him in my house again. Edited January 14, 2019 by pandagirl2018 1
toomanyquestions123 Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 He also said that him running away and calling it quits is how he deals with conflict and that he doesn't want the same things to happen again that happened in his past relationship that ended 3 years ago. This is a man who told me "I love you" after our first date. Now I see clearly how I should have taken that as a red flag and I should have been the one running for the hills! He said I love you after the first date? yeah, that is one hell of a redflag ! 2
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Posted January 14, 2019 There were many red flags. The "I love you" after the first date, the smothering and wanting to please me all the time and do things for me ALL-THE-TIME, the wedding proposal, the pressure to move in together... Now that I'm writing this it feels like a predator surrounding his prey. And he's now acting like a spoiled child that didn't have his favority toy and is doing a tantrum. Probably waiting for me to end things, so making his life easier and he staying in victim mode. To be honest I don't see him the same way and I don't know if I should just end things, or just ignore him. Anyway, he's got stuff in my house he would have to come back and collect and I don't want to see him or have him in my house again. Read this on a website about the worst type of guys to date, and it seems to be him to a T: "This guy changes his mind about you and the relationship all the time. What started off as pure romantic bliss has turned into him threatening to break up every time you do anything that bothers him. Dr. Greenberg explains that this behavior is a form of narcissism, and that he can't see his partners beyond being either a completely flawless soul mate, or a wholly bad person. “They’re not being honest with their partner – or themselves – about their own part of [the relationship] not working. So their partner thinks ‘if I just do this thing, they’ll be back.’" But I'm the partner who dumps him, not the one who will do things to get him back. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 To be honest I don't see him the same way and I don't know if I should just end things, or just ignore him. Anyway, he's got stuff in my house he would have to come back and collect and I don't want to see him or have him in my house again. Step up and be the adult here. Let him know this isn't working and it would be best to go your separate ways. You could leave his items with a friend or family member, and he can retrieve them from that designated person. Perhaps he's always been like this, yes. Now you know that you two are not meant to be together either. Slow things way down next time, and give the relationship time to really unfold before committing to a future. Committing too early places expectations that are too high, relative to the time you've known each other, so the crash when it doesn't work out is that much more painful. Be very wary of anyone who smothers you and pressures you. It's not a good sign.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Posted January 14, 2019 Step up and be the adult here. Let him know this isn't working and it would be best to go your separate ways. You could leave his items with a friend or family member, and he can retrieve them from that designated person. Perhaps he's always been like this, yes. Now you know that you two are not meant to be together either. Slow things way down next time, and give the relationship time to really unfold before committing to a future. Committing too early places expectations that are too high, relative to the time you've known each other, so the crash when it doesn't work out is that much more painful. Be very wary of anyone who smothers you and pressures you. It's not a good sign. I don't have a friend or family near to leave his stuff, but I guess I can agree a day and time for him to collect and put his stuff in the driveway, so he doesn't come inside the house. He's got my house keys (yes I was dumb enough to give him a spare set), so I hope he'll return them too. He smothered me a lot and it was suffocating. I felt like a toddler who has to be chased everywhere because they can get hurt of need something done. When I told him to calm down, he was very resentful. But yes I'm gonna have to do that, to be the one breaking up. He just sent me a message this morning saying good morning and if I had a good sleep, which I don't understand since he said he needed time and space away from me to think. I feel after saw him yesterday so cold and distant and looking at me like I'm some kind of monster, I can't go back to look at him like I used to before. So what's the point, right!?
elaine567 Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 Change your locks. If there is any hint of narcissism here, as you fear, you may not be able to get rid of him that easily...
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