pandagirl2018 Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 (edited) My boyfriend and me have been talking about moving in together, and last week he proposed to me. It was really nice and romantic and I said yes. Then a couple of days after we had an argument around some things and he basically vanished. He went back to his house, said he needs to be alone and didn't text me anymore. It's ok he needs space to clear things, but the issue was that after a few days he came back to mine to have a conversation. He was cold and distant and looked at me like I have some kind of contageous disease. We talked about the argument and what happened, and that it wasn't that serious, it was more of a difference of opinion about something. But in that argument there were a lot of things that came up from past weeks and months. Things he bottled up and didn't tell me and now suddenly got the courage to say out loud. Things I didn't even knew he felt, and he said he didn't know either, they just came up. He said at this point he is questioning the entire relationship and if he wants to be with me. He also said when he faces an argument he withdraws and runs away and calls it quits. That's how he is. I am shocked at all this to be honest. It seems he's not in touch with his feelings and because of this argument, he realized all the other things he bottled up. I'm not like that, because when there's something that comes up with me, I tell him. I think the thing I'm most shocked is he questioning the entire relationship and saying he runs away after a conflict, after asking me to marry him a few days before. How do you ask someone to marry you if the way you deal with conflict is by ending things? Also, he was completely closed off in that conversation, only focused in how he feels, completely not giving a s*** to how it makes me feel and how impotent this all leaves me. Because I apologized to him for mistakes I have made that I didn't even realized they were mistakes because I didn't know how it made him feel, I also said I wanted to solve things and to me the relationship is the most important thing. We're clearly not on the same page. He then left my house saying he needs to think and realize what he truly wants. That he loves me a lot, but doesn't know if he wants to continue. And didn't care to leave me alone like this, on kind of a limbo situation. I feel betrayed and lost my trust in him. I cannot be with someone who runs away and questions ending things when there's a conflict or an argument. I'm considering doing us both a favor and ending the relationship. I don't deserve a man that comes to my house, sits on my sofa to have a conversation and to tell me in my face he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, after asking me to marry him. Please can you give me some advice. I'm feeling so sad and confused at the moment. Thank you. Edited January 13, 2019 by pandagirl2018
grays Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 Omg, end it!!! I almost never say that. I give people too many chances and empathize Will all sorts of foolish and hurtful behavior, but he’s dangerous, imo. Dangerous to you emotionally. Whatever feelings he’s having are probably human and understandable, but him vomiting them up in your lap without having sorted through them at all and without any regard for how it would make you feel is beyond the pale. Too selfish to be in a real loving relationship. I’m sorry! That’s awful to go through, but you should feel proud of yourself for being able to see the reality of his behavior. What you’re saying sounds very level headed and not an overreaction at all. And thank god you’re not trying to explain it away or sweep it under the rug.
Highndry Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 Either there are some terrible things that happened and were said in that argument which you have left out, or this guy's a total loser who has no business being in a relationship. You don't ask a woman to marry you then pull that crap. 1
alphamale Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 for what it's worth your bf is acting like a typical male. and there is nothing wrong with that. at least he is honest
Highndry Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 for what it's worth your bf is acting like a typical male. and there is nothing wrong with that. at least he is honest I'm going to completely disagree with this. Men who are men don't ask a woman to marry them then turn right around and break their heart saying they're not sure if they want to be in a relationship anymore. This is not normal behavior whatsoever. 2
BaileyB Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 In your past post, you said that you've only been dating for a few months and complained that he was moving in but not paying his share of the rent/bills. In your previous post, you complained that he was following you around like a puppy dog, smothering you... It's too soon to be moving in or even thinking about marrying this guy. You have a lot to figure out if this relationship is going to last... 3
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 13, 2019 Author Posted January 13, 2019 Either there are some terrible things that happened and were said in that argument which you have left out, or this guy's a total loser who has no business being in a relationship. You don't ask a woman to marry you then pull that crap. That's the funny thing, there were no terrible things that were said, neither from me or him. It wasn't that serious to be honest. I just think he was angry because all the things he bottled up came out. But it wasn't my fault he bottled up. He does that with everyone, not just me.
BaileyB Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 To clarify, I think based on your past post that you have known him only three months. Not long enough to know how he prefers his eggs, nevermind talk about moving in together or marrying the guy.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 13, 2019 Author Posted January 13, 2019 I'm going to completely disagree with this. Men who are men don't ask a woman to marry them then turn right around and break their heart saying they're not sure if they want to be in a relationship anymore. This is not normal behavior whatsoever. Him coming over to my house, sitting on my sofa, and tell me in my face he doesn't know if he wants to continue with me, after I apologized if I hurt him weeks or months before, and after he asked me to marry him and putting a ring on my finger last week, was one of the most painful things I have ever gone through in a relationship. He truly broke my heart and I don't know if I can go back to where I was before. At least not with him.
alphamale Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 That's the funny thing, there were no terrible things that were said, neither from me or him. It wasn't that serious to be honest. I just think he was angry because all the things he bottled up came out. But it wasn't my fault he bottled up. He does that with everyone, not just me. well, men bottle things up, that's the way it is. you need to take his feelings into account also
Lotsgoingon Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 Ok, I'll add to Bailey's comment. Is it true you've been dating for only three months? If so, that explains things: you didn't really know him. Before even THINKING about marriage, a couple needs to have gone through multiple disagreements and conflicts and shown that they can resolve these conflicts in a healthy way. So the whole marriage idea was ridiculous in the first place. Every couple needs to go through some conflicts ... need to go through both partners being sick ... you need to see if you guys can work through difficulty. Before that, you're just doing the high-school crushing thing. 1
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 13, 2019 Author Posted January 13, 2019 well, men bottle things up, that's the way it is. you need to take his feelings into account also Men not in touch with their feelings bottle things up. Conscious open men acknowledge their feelings and have the courage to express them. Many conscious men were once on the first category and changed, of course. He said he wants to change and is trying to deal with his emotions, but I'm just not sure if is worth me getting hurt in the process. 1
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 13, 2019 Author Posted January 13, 2019 Ok, I'll add to Bailey's comment. Is it true you've been dating for only three months? If so, that explains things: you didn't really know him. Before even THINKING about marriage, a couple needs to have gone through multiple disagreements and conflicts and shown that they can resolve these conflicts in a healthy way. So the whole marriage idea was ridiculous in the first place. Every couple needs to go through some conflicts ... need to go through both partners being sick ... you need to see if you guys can work through difficulty. Before that, you're just doing the high-school crushing thing. Completely agree. We have gone before throught the sick thing, not the disagreements.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 13, 2019 Author Posted January 13, 2019 How long have you two been together?? Nearly 4 months.
SophieG Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 Nearly 4 months. That is way too soon to be moving in and talking about marriage IMO. You don’t really know each other to be honest. 1
Gretchen12 Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 From what I have observed with some men, it isn't entirely bottling up. What happens is that when in an argument, some people fight dirty and reach into their arsenal of past events and throw it in your face so that you'd apologize. And then when you ask why they said nothing before, they tell you it was bottled up. But that's not entirely true. It didn't bother him that much or he wouldn't have asked you to marry him. It's an instinctive manipulation to get the upper hand in a fight. But now I think you should calm down and although he asked you to marry him rather soon, if you said yes, you should mean it. So if you end it now, are you as bad as he is? I agree the way he has behaved shows he's not mature and you feel betrayed. If you want to work on this, you tell him his behaviour is not ok, you don't apologize, you don't chase, and you don't run away. Just tell him to think about it.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 13, 2019 Author Posted January 13, 2019 From what I have observed with some men, it isn't entirely bottling up. What happens is that when in an argument, some people fight dirty and reach into their arsenal of past events and throw it in your face so that you'd apologize. And then when you ask why they said nothing before, they tell you it was bottled up. But that's not entirely true. It didn't bother him that much or he wouldn't have asked you to marry him. It's an instinctive manipulation to get the upper hand in a fight. But now I think you should calm down and although he asked you to marry him rather soon, if you said yes, you should mean it. So if you end it now, are you as bad as he is? I agree the way he has behaved shows he's not mature and you feel betrayed. If you want to work on this, you tell him his behaviour is not ok, you don't apologize, you don't chase, and you don't run away. Just tell him to think about it. He knows his behaviour is not ok, because afterwards he apologized for what he's doing to me, but that he loves me and just needs time to sort things out and think about things. I just don't know at this point if I believe him and give him the benefit of the doubt or if I run away and be with a more mature man that wants to be with me even when things get rough.
BaileyB Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 Nearly 4 months. Not long enough. To be very honest, you both sound like you have a lot to learn about relationships before thinking about marriage. My boyfriend is wonderful in many ways, but expressing his feelings is definitely not one of them. Not going to say that every man is this way, but if you have the expectation that your boyfriend is going to share his feelings with you often, you may well be disappointed. My best advice, slow things down if you stay with him. You could both benefit from more experience learning to communicate (about things like finances) and developing conflict resolution skills before getting more serious. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 Why on earth are you two even discussing marriage after just 4 months? You hardly know each other. 3
Normm Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 4 months is no where near enough time to know a person well enough to decide if they're the one you want to spend the next 50+ years of your life with. Good thing one of you came to your senses before making what would have amounted to a huge mistake. He probably spoke to his parents or relatives or friends about his marriage proposal and they talked some sense into him. You really need to do some serious introspection and/or talk to a therapist about this need you have to jump into a lifelong commitment with a person you hardly know. I'm curious what your friends and family had to say about your proposed marriage and moving in together. 1
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 13, 2019 Author Posted January 13, 2019 4 months is no where near enough time to know a person well enough to decide if they're the one you want to spend the next 50+ years of your life with. Good thing one of you came to your senses before making what would have amounted to a huge mistake. He probably spoke to his parents or relatives or friends about his marriage proposal and they talked some sense into him. You really need to do some serious introspection and/or talk to a therapist about this need you have to jump into a lifelong commitment with a person you hardly know. I'm curious what your friends and family had to say about your proposed marriage and moving in together. Actually all my friends and family have met him and adore him and are happy we were engaged. Same with his friends and family. I know it's not a long time (4 months) but it came from a good place for both of us. But actually my original OP is not about the marriage proposal and 4 months, is about what happened after that.
preraph Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 So your last thread was he was moving in and how could you talk to him that he will need to pay his half of the expenses. Is this what the argument was about to start off with? Did that get settled before this came up? Is he possibly just butthurt he has to pay his part? 1
BaileyB Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 (edited) Actually all my friends and family have met him and adore him and are happy we were engaged. Same with his friends and family. I know it's not a long time (4 months) but it came from a good place for both of us. How is this true exactly when I look back at your past history and see a bunch of posts about problems/questions you have related to his behavior and what to expect with the relationship? Just because they adore him doesn't mean that you are not making the biggest mistake of your young life, by rushing into a relationship with a man that you don't really know. At the very least, go for premarital counselling to discuss things like how to communicate and resolve conflict, division of labor, finances, plans children, etc... Learn to have the hard discussions - don't just run away. I think if you are truthful, you will acknowledge the fact that you have much to discuss/learn about each other before getting more serious. His poor behavior being only your most recent concern... Edited January 14, 2019 by BaileyB
Normm Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) Actually all my friends and family have met him and adore him and are happy we were engaged. Same with his friends and family. That's rather odd. Just goes to show you that people can suffer from poor judgement En masse. I know it's not a long time (4 months) but it came from a good place for both of us. No clue what "it came from a good place" means in the context of this thread but no matter how you slice it, 4 months or 120 days is not nearly enough time to know a person well enough to make a lifetime commitment or share a residence. It's no better than a crapshoot, no matter how good you feel about it. But actually my original OP is not about the marriage proposal and 4 months, is about what happened after that. No, it's all about you two barely knowing one another. Edited to Add: I looked at your other thread. A few weeks ago you posed that he's driving you crazy, making you nuts, and you want to cut your "together time" to a few days per week because you need your alone time. A week later you're talking marriage and moving in together. How can you not see a problem with this?? We have been dating for a few months, and I really like him but his behaviour is kinda driving me crazy. I don't like this, makes me feel suffocated and resentful. I am a very independent person who's used to have my personal space and do things on my own, and this is really suffocating me. I have talked to him about this already because it is driving me nuts. but I'm gonna have to tell him we'll need to do that only a few times per week because I am missing just being alone with myself a LOT.. Edited January 14, 2019 by Normm 1
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