brent878 Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 I was chatting with a friend at work today about the relationship I am in and got some very interesting advice worth sharing. I (M) was telling her (F) that I felt deeply unsatisfied in my relationship. That I felt I was doing a lot of chasing and my partner felt ambivalent etc and on the whole, it was causing me mostly stress and frustration. She asked why I was in this relationship to begin with, and I told her it was because this woman possessed things my ex wife (and ex gfs) didn't. I had always looked for a woman who was independent and challenged me. Who was highly educated, multiple advanced degrees, etc. Welp, I found one and am seeing her. The problem is, she doesn't add much else. She is highly intelligent and pretty, but doesn't make me laugh, is low energy, not particularly friendly, not excitable, and to be frank, boring. I am a high energy guy, a massive goof outside of work, a bit nutty and neurotic, and highly affectionate. With this woman, an expression of enthusiasm feels like getting blood from a stone. So my friend said: "You know when you have a car that doesn't have working A/C - when you go to buy a new car, all you want is working A/C. It doesn't matter how crappy the rest of the car is. If the air conditioner works, you're satisfied. My point is, don't go looking for an air conditioner, go looking for a new car that also has air conditioning." And this really resonated. I have been and am so focused on finding someone with an elite academic pedigree to challenge me intellectually, that I've overlooked the good aspects of a romantic relationship. I'm not throwing in the towel just yet, but the car has been in for service at least 5 or 6 times and if I have to bring it back to the dealer for one more issue, I might just lease something else. 2
PRW Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 I was chatting with a friend at work today about the relationship I am in and got some very interesting advice worth sharing. I (M) was telling her (F) that I felt deeply unsatisfied in my relationship. That I felt I was doing a lot of chasing and my partner felt ambivalent etc and on the whole, it was causing me mostly stress and frustration.Regardless if you were a good fit or not,...you were still over-persuing her. Doing that will generate many of these characteristics in women,...you actually become an annoyance to them, and after a while and they shut down. Keep this in mind on the next one. 2
Artdeco Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 (edited) I can relate to your gf. I’m her. I work so much, and I’m so in my head that I want to be left alone a lot, once I get to wind down. I am fun to be around, though (WHEN I’m around), I’m passionate, and make people laugh, but it takes a special guy to put up with my frequent me-time demands. You could call that low-energy I guess...... My BF has taken that personally a lot, but he’s learning. I enjoy time alone, and I’m happy if he’s out and about with friends. That way, I know he’s having a good time. I want this for him, and I’m not always available to join in. I’d rather read a book by the fireplace. My bf is very understanding, though, and i do not think he’ll break up over this. You seem to have had enough.......you’re probably not compatible in the long run. Does she know what your concerns are, or are you keeping that bottled up? Edited January 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
manfrombelow2 Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 The fact that OP, a man, feels frustrated and unsatisfied (for WHATEVER reasons) means only thing: OP is still overpursuing his woman. OP still needs his woman more than his woman (seemingly) needs him back. OP is clingy and needy and always trying to seek approval from his woman. OP, just stay calm, relax, and get back to your center.
Juha Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 Life is too short to be unhappy and unsatisfied in a relationship. I would stop looking and focusing on such very specific things and see how you actually get along and vibe with the person... Time to move on when you are not satisfied...
olivetree Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 Given how you describe her and what she is lacking, not sure why you're not throwing in the towel just yet. You can't squeeze blood from a stone. 1
Author brent878 Posted January 13, 2019 Author Posted January 13, 2019 OP, who has agreed to exclusivity and is foregoing dating dozens of others as a result, wants to feel as though the time he is investing is worthwhile. Omg how clingy and needy to have expectations of reciprocity in a relationship! 2
Author brent878 Posted January 13, 2019 Author Posted January 13, 2019 is your work friend (F) single? She isn't, but in fairness, it wasn't her advice; it was the advice of her friend's father or something.
Author brent878 Posted January 13, 2019 Author Posted January 13, 2019 (edited) I can relate to your gf. I’m her. I work so much, and I’m so in my head that I want to be left alone a lot, once I get to wind down. I am fun to be around, though (WHEN I’m around), I’m passionate, and make people laugh, but it takes a special guy to put up with my frequent me-time demands. You could call that low-energy I guess...... My BF has taken that personally a lot, but he’s learning. I enjoy time alone, and I’m happy if he’s out and about with friends. That way, I know he’s having a good time. I want this for him, and I’m not always available to join in. I’d rather read a book by the fireplace. My bf is very understanding, though, and i do not think he’ll break up over this. You seem to have had enough.......you’re probably not compatible in the long run. Does she know what your concerns are, or are you keeping that bottled up? I've voiced them. A few times actually. In one ear and out the other. She's very self-focused -- and takes me for granted. I've expressed I'm fed up with her ambivalence and am going to take a step back this week and see what happens. If she doesn't reach out more and schedule things, sayonara. I have way too much to give to keep limiting myself to a very uninspiring and stressful relationship. Edited January 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
preraph Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 It was great advice. Sounds like her personality is just too lowkey for you. I get it. I get bored easy with some people, even though they're perfectly nice people.
Rayce Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 You sound like a really nice guy I hope you find someone that can match your passion. Good luck.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 Find someone who has good qualities AND who you are attracted to.
smackie9 Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 This is why we date before we marry. We learn what our needs and expectations are, in turn helps us to make the right choice in who we marry. Common sense. They need to tick off all the boxes before investing in a lifetime relationship which shares family, children, financial gain, a home, etc. You have to keep being satisfied with what your partner brings you or you won't last for the long haul.
edgygirl Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 Great point. I also tend to obsess with certain qualities the last person I was with lacked when looking for someone new. It usually doesn't work out as the new person usually has flaws you were not expecting. Only goes to show that we have to analyze people as a whole, and not look at a set number of specific qualities. As someone mentioned above you do seem like a super nice guy and I hope you find both the intellectual side and the affection you need in one person!
Highndry Posted January 15, 2019 Posted January 15, 2019 My last gf was a real downer. She didn't laugh a lot, was super selfish, poor me attitude, etc. I think I put up with it because she was attractive and we had a lot of sex, like almost every single day over 2 years. I've decided that I want a happy woman next time around, somebody playful and fun that's not like Eeyore all the time.
Author brent878 Posted January 15, 2019 Author Posted January 15, 2019 My last gf was a real downer. She didn't laugh a lot, was super selfish, poor me attitude, etc. I think I put up with it because she was attractive and we had a lot of sex, like almost every single day over 2 years. I've decided that I want a happy woman next time around, somebody playful and fun that's not like Eeyore all the time. Yeah she's fairly eeyore like. Not in a self-deprecating way, just in a low energy, non super communicative, keeps to herself way, not a lot of fun. I find myself walking on eggshells constantly. If I make an offkey joke she gets upset easily. Often grumpy. Not fun.
Author brent878 Posted January 15, 2019 Author Posted January 15, 2019 Great point. I also tend to obsess with certain qualities the last person I was with lacked when looking for someone new. It usually doesn't work out as the new person usually has flaws you were not expecting. Only goes to show that we have to analyze people as a whole, and not look at a set number of specific qualities. As someone mentioned above you do seem like a super nice guy and I hope you find both the intellectual side and the affection you need in one person! Aww thanks so much that's very sweet of you guys!
elaine567 Posted January 15, 2019 Posted January 15, 2019 Yeah she's fairly eeyore like. Not in a self-deprecating way, just in a low energy, non super communicative, keeps to herself way, not a lot of fun. I find myself walking on eggshells constantly. If I make an offkey joke she gets upset easily. Often grumpy. Not fun. Dating should to be easy, comfortable and fun, no point otherwise.
Author brent878 Posted January 15, 2019 Author Posted January 15, 2019 Dating should to be easy, comfortable and fun, no point otherwise. So simple yet so true. This is not simple, comfortable, or fun. LOL. It's complex, uncomfortable, anxiety-provoking, frustrating, and bringing me almost nothing.
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