To have an Ex be a friend, what's the best way?

[BeRespectful]

If both partners broke up respectfully, and friendship is a possibility, would it be better to:

 

A) Keep contact with them as friends regularly, but suffer as you see them date others eventually.

 

B) Go no contact, heal for months/years, and one day ask if you can reconnect as friends out of the blue.

 

C) Something else.

[basil67]

It's very rare for exes to be friends. Not only because your options A and B aren't pleasant, but also because a) most people want to move on and b) most new partners aren't OK with an ex hanging about.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with basil. I know very few exes who have actually remained true friends over the years. Most eventually drift from each and move on, as life naturally takes them in different directions and into different relationships.

 

Those who are friends usually reconnected long after the dust of the break-up had settled and they'd each found someone else. They aren't hanging out, mind you, but I suppose you could say they're in friendly contact.

 

Option A is not a good plan at all, because one party will probably be very hurt when the other finds a new partner, and the friendship won't survive.

[BeRespectful]

I agree with basil. I know very few exes who have actually remained true friends over the years. Most eventually drift from each and move on, as life naturally takes them in different directions and into different relationships.

 

Those who are friends usually reconnected long after the dust of the break-up had settled and they'd each found someone else. They aren't hanging out, mind you, but I suppose you could say they're in friendly contact.

 

Option A is not a good plan at all, because one party will probably be very hurt when the other finds a new partner, and the friendship won't survive.

 

So in other words, Option B is the best choice?

[d0nnivain]

Be civil in the beginning but don't have regular contact. If you accidently bump into each other out engage in some banal small talk. Next year send a holiday card in December. In about 5-10 years you can be friendly again.

[ExpatInItaly]

So in other words, Option B is the best choice?

 

Yes, if you have to choose between A and B.

 

Chances are that you will have moved on and lost interest in truly being friends by the time Option B is even possible, anyway. If you have recently broken up with someone, it's normal to want to find a way to say in your dumper's life, but as time passes that urge tends to fade.

 

I am personally not friends with any of my exes. They're not bad guys, and I wish them well, but we've all moved on and have our own lives to attend to.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I could never be friends with an ex. It would hurt me too much if I still held a torch for them and seeing them with someone else.

 

 

Nope, I couldn't do it.

[Cersei]

I really don't see the point of being friends with an ex. It's never made sense why some people feel the need to be friends. What is the point?

[Beachead]

I'm black and white with this as I've learned how destructive, entertaining the grey areas can be. I don't think we really have a choice in the matter. We think we do, but we really don't. We feel how we feel after a break up and we need the time and the space to get over the pain and find our smile again, without them.

 

I tried remain friends with exes after the breakup but it never worked. Lingering feelings made the interactions insincere. You'll realize it when you see your ex meet someone new, and slowly distance from you until they and the whole situation is something you don't even recognize anymore. You sit there dumbfounded, in your rude awakening, realizing all that time and energy you spent really just led to them distancing. No new partner is going to want an ex around either. It's nothing you want to learn through experience. Trust me. So no to A.

 

The irony with B is to get over your ex, you have to let them go from your soul, and learn how to smile without them in your life again. Once you do it and discover you can be happy without them, you'll unlikely ever want to reopen that channel again.

 

When two people get together, the friendship integrates itself into the relationship and it all becomes interwoven. When the relationship ends, the friendship ends as a result. What's left are some friendly parts such as respect, familiarity etc. But it won't really be a friendship. Your ex will keep you at a distance and will watch what they say around you. It won't be genuine. You aren't one of the guys or the girls. You aren't a partner. You are placeless. And as I mentioned before, they will meet someone new and when they do, that person will not be okay with it. You're going to witness your ex distance from you. There isn't any going back.

 

And that's why I say, once it ends, say your peace and walk away. Don't entertain a post-breakup life.

 

- Beach

Edited January 13, 2019 by Beachead

[Twizzlestick]

I'm black and white with this as I've learned how destructive, entertaining the grey areas can be. I don't think we really have a choice in the matter. We think we do, but we really don't. We feel how we feel after a break up and we need the time and the space to get over the pain and find our smile again, without them.

 

<Snip>

 

This elegantly encompasses my anguish and continued struggle with the subject. And perfectly sums up why I said no to friendship from the off.

 

I discovered the reality is I have two people to tell “I don’t want to be friends with x”.

 

Her...and myself.

 

Saying no to friendship when she dumped me was a doddle in comparison. Telling my emotional self and making the rule stick stick is a whole different level.

Edited January 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

So in other words, Option B is the best choice?

 

I guess so. But by the time you're both healed enough to be friends, you'll likely have both moved on and found other loves. Or at least, one of you will have and the friendship will be inappropriate.

[Beachead]

This elegantly encompasses my anguish and continued struggle with the subject. And perfectly sums up why I said no to friendship from the off.

 

I discovered the reality is I have two people to tell “I don’t want to be friends with x”.

 

Her...and myself.

 

Saying no to friendship when she dumped me was a doddle in comparison. Telling my emotional self and making the rule stick stick is a whole different level.

 

It's hard. I know.

 

Dumpers offer this up for self-serving reasons such as guilt, doubts about the future, doubts about their decision. They might want to have the best of both worlds or maybe, they are just inexperienced etc. but, it's insincere. 100%.

 

Because anyone who's been broken up with knows you can't just sweep feelings and memories under a rug and go on as if nothing ever happened. Takes a lot of time and a lot of internal work to get back to that spot. It becomes impossible when you are in contact with the source of your pain, everyday. We only do irrational things like this because we have hope that maybe we'll reconcile our differences with them one day or because it's just too painful to let go altogether.

 

Bottom line is, if you say yes to a friendship, not only will you erode your well-being to dust, but your ex will never respect you for it..because it's a raw deal and everyone knows it.

 

- Beach

Edited January 13, 2019 by Beachead

[preraph]

If it was a serious relationship or one or the other was very invested, you have to just be acquaintances until both of you are established in your new lives and content and no one is more invested than the other. I agree with Donnivain it takes years because all that takes time. Not everyone wants to or can do it. If one person isn't that invested, then they also are not invested enough to want to keep up a friendship with you. If one person is resentful, likely they cannot keep up anything more than an acquaintance with you and even that is dicey, just running into each other. Then there's the new partners -- ain't nobody going to be happy about any of that friends with exes business. I've managed it a couple of times, but it's more "keeping in touch" and only seeing occasionally and their new partners involved. In my case, I was kind of forced to remain friends when I ended up working in the office with an ex bf that ended very badly for 10 years. Lots of resentment on my end and a fair amount on his, but we had to learn to do it and in the process we now have a history we share and make an effort without it getting too involved.

[snowboy91]

Quite a few people I know, including my current partner, remained friends with their exes. My partner dated a close friend of hers (as in, they were friends for a year or more before they dated) for a few months before they both realised they were better as friends than as romantic partners. They are still close friends to this day.

 

I also tried to be friends with my last ex. It worked well at first, we discussed our dating lives but over time we became very different people to the point that we had very little in common. She was always a bit of a homebody, and her new relationship allows her to be that, which I'm happy for.

 

To remain friends, it seems like a lot of things have got to work, usually you have to find a way to work around the pain of seeing them date someone else. I mentally prepared myself for that fact after I broke up with my last ex - which is why I think the friendship worked as well as it did for a while. You also need to have enough in common to sustain a friendship in the first place - if the relationship ends due to lack of compatibility then it's also going to be difficult.

[nolanola]

I remember when I broke up with an older ex, I was devastated. Couldn't function, couldn't sleep, lost weight. Just miserable. One day I asked my Dad if he thought that me and my ex could be friends and he said no. I sobbed because I wanted to hold onto him so badly. He said that we could be friendly but not friends. Now that some time has passed, I know that he is right. I think you can be friendly, meaning you can see them and speak to them about their lives, but it's so hard to actually be friends in the sense of being really involved in their life. It's too hard when you still have feelings for them.

 

I also agree that, for the most part, by the time you can actually move past your feelings you likely won't want to be friends with your ex. Either because you both have changed and no longer have things in common, or because you have moved on to other things that take precedence. Like if you are in a new relationship.

 

I do know some people who are actual friends with their exes. My brother is actual friends with a woman he dated in college (like 20 years ago). They have both dated other people, some seriously, but neither has ever married. They talk every few months I think and get together from time to time. They don't live in the same city though.

 

As much as it makes me sad, I know I will not be friends with my most recent ex. At least it won't be for a really long time. You never know what will happen in life, but for me, the best thing is to be NC until I know he could tell me about a woman he's dating and I wouldn't care. And I don't see that happening any time soon.

[loversquarrel]

Just move on with your life. There is no point to continue a friendship with an ex when you could be investing that time in yourself and someone who is a better match for you. People get turned off when they find out you kee ex's in your life.

[avriltreize]

If both partners broke up respectfully, and friendship is a possibility, would it be better to:

 

A) Keep contact with them as friends regularly, but suffer as you see them date others eventually.

 

B) Go no contact, heal for months/years, and one day ask if you can reconnect as friends out of the blue.

 

C) Something else.

 

I'm probably not the best person to respond to this but I think I can understand why you posted this in the first place.

 

I was recently dumped, just over a week ago. We had been in a relationship for over 10 yrs. He is/was my best friend. He told me he still cares and loves me but he didn't see us growing old together. He said sorry more times than I can count and said to take all the time I need to deal with everything.

 

Since that dreadful day we've still talked, texted and even done things together. Though we didn't live together I was at his place more than mine and now have been slowly taking things home with me. Each day seems to get easier as I start coming to the realization we will no longer be together.

 

He has said he wants to be friends and I of course would like that as well but we both know time will only decide if that can happen or not. I don't think there is definitive yes you can or no you can't be friends answer here.

 

Every relationship is different, there may be similarities but everyone is different. I've had break ups where once the words are said that's it, maybe a couple talks/texts afterwards but then it just slowly tapered off. I've had break ups where we've gone back and forth for months trying to figure it out to see if can be worked out and finally coming to terms with it.

 

The one thing I can tell you, is that from my all my serious relationships I was friends with some of them for a time but no longer. I am still friendly with them all though, getting a text or call here and there. Even grabbing dinner or a drink. I have hope that this ex will be different though. Obviously after being in a bunch of relationships prior to this 10 +yrs one I've grown up some what and have some experience under my belt. That's why I hope I wont lose my best friend....

[stillafool]

Why can't you just find new friends?

[avriltreize]

Why can't you just find new friends?

 

I have plenty of friends but my ex was also my best friend too. I'm not just losing the person I'm in a relationship with, I'm also losing my best bud, my partner in crime the person I talk to about everything. Sure I have other friends but my ex was the first go to person. I've been in relationships before where they were not my best friend but in this case I'm losing two people.

 

I believe he is also struggling with this, he's ok (well not ok but you know what I mean) breaking my heart but unprepared to lose his best friend. I'm sure he's talking to his friends but it's not the same for him either.

[stillafool]

So will you two best friends be okay when one of you move on and fall in love with another person? How will you maintain your best friend status as usually the new love takes that place?

[avriltreize]

So will you two best friends be okay when one of you move on and fall in love with another person? How will you maintain your best friend status as usually the new love takes that place?

 

I have no idea what will happen. I dont even know if we'll stay friends after I've come to terms with ending the relationship. But this is the first relationship I've been in where we are/were best friends. So no idea.

 

Before this relationship I was married. He was never my best friend and when we ended it and after the dust settled we were still friends. We still took each other out for our birthdays and exchanged small Christmas gifts. This went on for many years, all the while he dated and I dated. In fact we were still friends when I met this last bf. The only reason why I'm no longer friends with the ex husb now was a financial thing.

 

All I know is that I am hurting in two ways. One I can't do anything about and the other I might be able to salvage, so why wouldnt' i try?

[nolanola]

I think people can do whatever works for them. Like I said upthread, I do know some people who are genuine friends with their ex. One good family friend was married when she was younger (like 20s to mid 30s) and then her husband cheated on her. They divorced but stayed friends. He has since married and divorced (and cheated on) another woman and they are still friends. Not hanging out all the time friends, but they talk from time to time. Some people are just really good at this kind of thing. She was even good friends with the woman he married after her!!

 

I...am not. I know myself and I know that it's too hard in the beginning to watch someone I loved, someone I wanted to be with go after other women. Couldn't do it and I know this about myself. So I don't try.

 

This reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie finds out Mr. Big has a new girlfriend and is talking about why she can't be friends with him. Miranda says something like "I know those couples, that are like we loved, thank you, the best to you. I'm like we didn't work out, you need to not exist". That's me.

[LauraXX]

I have the feeling that I'm an expert in that field I always felt the urge to reconnect with my exes at one point. So, where to start.... I had three long-term relationships in my life. I'm not in contact with my very first bf anymore, but that is fine. Saw him at a class reunion last year and we said hello and chatted a bit, but we don't have anything in common and there's really no point in us being friends. But no bad feelings either....

 

The guy from my second long-term relationship is my very best friend in the world today. We were together for a few years, then I broke up with him because it felt too platonic (he almost felt like a brother to me at that point). He was disappointed, it was all a bit diffult for a few weeks (we worked together back then and that was awkward). He started to date another girl just about a month after I broke up with him and I was actually a bit offended that he had moved on so quickly (stupid, I know). But then we started talking again and eventually became best friends. He's married today and I'm really good friends with his wife as well. He's my kid's godfather (and I am his son's godmother). He's pretty much one of the most important people in my life.

 

Last long-term relationship is the father of my kid. We were together for 10 years. I ended the relationship for similar reasons as with No2. We were a good team, good parents, good roommates. But no romantic feelings anymore from my side. He felt like a brother. It didn't come as a complete surprise for him, so after just a few days we were able to be friendly with each other again. Especially for our kid's sake. I wouldn't say that we're extremely close today, but I'd definitely call him a friend. Just met him for a glass of wine last week because he had offered to help with my applications. Besides that, we communicate almost daily because of the kid (school stuff etc.).

 

So that's the three LTRs. But there are also some guys that I "just dated" that I'm still in touch with and friendly today.

 

But to answer your question (sorry for the long reply):

 

Answer A when I ended the relationship (so not much suffering when they start to date again)

Answer B when they ended the relationship. But I wouldn't really ask them to be friends with me, I'd just start chatting to them again and see where that goes (usually friendship).

 

 

Edit: Oh, and definitely C (meaning FORGET IT) if even after strict No Contact you still have feelings for them. If - let's say - after a year the thought that they're dating somebody else now is still hurting you - don't get in touch. Just don't do it. There's no point. Also, answer C if you were with them mainly because of physical attraction or because the sex was great but not because you fell in love with their personality. I wouldn't see the point and rather find other friends

Edited January 15, 2019 by LauraXX

[BeRespectful]

Since that dreadful day we've still talked, texted and even done things together. Though we didn't live together I was at his place more than mine and now have been slowly taking things home with me. Each day seems to get easier as I start coming to the realization we will no longer be together.

The guy from my second long-term relationship is my very best friend in the world today. We were together for a few years, then I broke up with him because it felt too platonic (he almost felt like a brother to me at that point). He was disappointed, it was all a bit diffult for a few weeks (we worked together back then and that was awkward). He started to date another girl just about a month after I broke up with him and I was actually a bit offended that he had moved on so quickly (stupid, I know). But then we started talking again and eventually became best friends. He's married today and I'm really good friends with his wife as well. He's my kid's godfather (and I am his son's godmother). He's pretty much one of the most important people in my life.

 

Those are both interesting stories, glad you are maintaining friendships that you want. If you can remember, in the wake after the break up, what sort of thing did you say to resume contact after a bit of awkward distance?

 

"What's new with you?" (Probably not this, "Not much, just getting over my broken heart...")

"Hope you're healing well."

"Would you like to give being friends a try?"

 

Or something else? Thanks! Sorry if I seem dumb, I'm really inexperienced in this specific kind of situation.

Edited January 15, 2019 by BeRespectful

[Blanco]

I think even if it's mutual, you need some time and space apart to let those residual feelings fade away. I have an ex who seems to be able to make the transition pretty quickly, but part of that is she's usually already distracting herself with someone else, so she's less focused on the ex.

 

Of my exes, I'd say I'm only legit friends with one of them. It took several years of minimal or no contact to get to a place where we were both able to exist within the confines of a truly platonic friendship.

 

Even then, I realize how rare it is and how time apart isn't going to guarantee anything. I have another ex who I was also in low or no contact with for several years. We have reconnected a bit over the last year, and get along well, but I don't consider us true friends. There's still some mutual resentment and until that's gone (along with any physical/romantic feelings), true friendship isn't possible.