when it comes to introversion/extroversion, does "opposites attract" apply?

January 12, 2019

I was thinking about this and also came across this old thread on here through Google randomly about someone being too quiet leading to compatibility issues

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/236478-my-gf-i-haven-t-talked-week-2.html

From peoples' experience, is it good for both in a relationship to be extroverted, both introverted, or each a different thing (so they "complement" each other)?

I used to think it was good to both be on the same page, have the same personality style, manner and frequency of expression/interaction (like quiet studious types, nerds or artists to be together, or two party animals to be together). But now I'm not so sure, especially after experiences of the last five years or so.

For example, since I lean a bit more toward the introverted side (although I've changed a lot over the years and am moderately talkative in lots of settings these days), I notice that with girls that are very introverted, it doesn't end up working out very well. Our communication just isn't right. I'm the kind of guy that feeds off of others energy to an extent. If I sense enough interest and engagement from the other person, that is what will make me shine or burn stronger. I'll meet them at their level, or even go beyond it. But if the other person is very passive, quiet, and shy, then I may try a few times to engage with them but eventually just kinda give up. Or at least it will feel awkward, like I'm reaching out to someone who doesn't return the sentiment (even though it may not be an issue of true substance incompatibility but simply their style of expressing themselves).

So if you have two introverts or shy people, how are they going to communicate with each other? I guess in some cases there's some kind of deeper unspoken bond or something they use to overcome these difficulties.

On the other hand, I've seen with some couples, like with my friend, there are two very outgoing, talkative, extroverted types that at first may hit it off but eventually don't get along because each tries to dominate, causing friction and tension. He ended up breaking up with this girl after a couple of months for that reason. So there's gotta be some natural give and take. A yin for a yang. The more outgoing one to fill in the spaces that the less outgoing one leaves.

Again I'm not on any extreme so maybe I don't fit into this as well, but I realized I just don't do well with super introverted girls.

Any thoughts or people who can relate?

January 13, 2019

From peoples' experience, is it good for both in a relationship to be extroverted, both introverted, or each a different thing (so they "complement" each other)?

No. Opposites do not attract.

Sexual Polarity attracts.

Extrovert and Introvert are not opposites when you look at what they really are. Introvert is NOT shy. Extrovert is NOT un-shy or outgoing. What an introvert is, is someone who needs to get away from the crowd to emotionally "recharge". An extrovert needs to be with the crowd to emotionally recharge while is drained by being alone. Other then that they can be the same people. When a guy for example is solid in his masculinity, confident, and has his life in order we call him an Alpha if he is Extroverted,...but call the identical guy if he is Introverted, an Omega. Here is the Wiki definition of the two:

Alpha: You are confident and your own man. You do your own thing and have complete confidence in everything you do. You have your self doubts, but you don't let it cloud your judgment and logic. You are well liked by almost everyone, and you just have an easy charm and swagger about your presence. Women are drawn to your charisma and presence. You enjoy being social and having lots of people around. You are a natural leader

Omega: You are very much like the alpha male, the primary distinction being that where the Alpha "recharges" in groups you "recharge" by being alone. You are the polar opposite of the alpha male, but in a good way. Like the alpha male you are confident, intelligent and have a sense of charisma about you, but unlike the alpha male, you are completely your own person. You do not need anyone, and you can even be emotionally distant due to your complete self-possession. You trust few people and foster even fewer intimate relationships. Omegas do not care for leadership by others as they are perfectly capable of leading themselves

So in terms of the premise of your question, the attraction comes from sexual polarity. Masculine -vs- Feminine. So in that sense opposites attract, but only in that arrow context. Both male and females can be Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Omega, Sigma.

There is one personality type that the Alpha's are often catching the blame for, and that is the Sigma. The Sigma is often mistaken for the Alpha and so the dark side of the Sigma gets wrongly blamed on the Alpha. Here is the Wiki definition for the Sigma:

Sigma: You are a manipulative mastermind. You are a spider waiting to lay your trap. You possess a cunning, intuitive mind and can sway people to your will. You don't have the casual swagger of the alpha or the omega but you do have a clever presence about you and people tend to be both wary and respect you for that. You can often be even more powerful than the alpha or the omega male in social situations due to your ability to persuade and manipulate them. You are neither a follower or a leader but rather a wild card.

Edited January 13, 2019 by PRW

January 13, 2019

I think my dog is a Sigma ...

January 13, 2019

I think my dog is a Sigma ...

Just wait till you get a cat...

January 13, 2019

When it comes to the game of dating, the law of attraction applies to everyone.

January 13, 2019

It does to me. I am an extrovert who LOVES introverts. Love their energy, introspectiveness, calm way. Specially the rational ones.

Can't really stand peacock men who won't stop talking and like being the center of attention (mega yawn).

Edited January 13, 2019 by edgygirl

January 13, 2019

The older I get, the more I want to be with someone like me. I'm a huge introvert and my ex was an extrovert. Over the years, it wore me out. I'm now with another introvert and we are so in sync. It just makes being together easier and more enjoyable...for me. YMMV

January 13, 2019

It does to me. I am an extrovert who LOVES introverts. Love their energy, introspectiveness, calm way. Specially the rational ones.

Can't really stand peacock men who won't stop talking and like being the center of attention (mega yawn).

I agree. I am a rational introvert (INTJ) and I like extroverts. ENFP is said to be a particularly great match for my type. I think an extreme E might be too much, but I like a woman who does more than half of the talking and always has an interesting topic to explore. I do not like to have to be the one to keep it going.

Theoretically, opposites are fine on any of the MBTI axes except the second. N and S don't mix easily as they tend to see the world differently. I strongly prefer F in women, because I'm rational enough for both of us, and I appreciate someone who defaults to feeling. P/J can go either way, but Ps have a more laid back demeanor. I relate to introverts just fine though.

January 13, 2019

This is hilarious because I am an ENFP who LOVES INTJs :lmao: Both as friends and for a romantic partner. They're extremely hard to find. My best friend girl and favorite person in the world is an INTJ female - the rarest of all combos. Lots of people probably think she's a weirdo but I know I won the friendship lottery by finding her.

ENFP/INTJ N(intuition) together is like an amazing chemical explosion of ideas, innovation and inventiveness, the introversion and extroversion balances the relationship out. I'm the same re: P/J but in general the Js are more strict which conflicts with me being laid back and preferring to leave plans open. There was a thread here about flakiness where people jump on me as if I was an unreliable uncaring monster Somehow it's not an issue when I'm with INTJs.

I am huge on Myers Briggs. I know I could never date a S(ensor). A lot of people think Myers Briggs is BS and horoscope-like or "putting people in boxes, and people are individuals". Little do they know. MB explains why you get along so well with some people, romantically, for friendships or work, and why certain people annoy the heck out of you.

Btw we ENFPs are the most introverted of the extroverts, we surprisingly need a lot of down time and reflection to recoup, hence we prob bother you less than other extroverts.

I agree. I am a rational introvert (INTJ) and I like extroverts. ENFP is said to be a particularly great match for my type. I think an extreme E might be too much, but I like a woman who does more than half of the talking and always has an interesting topic to explore. I do not like to have to be the one to keep it going.

Theoretically, opposites are fine on any of the MBTI axes except the second. N and S don't mix easily as they tend to see the world differently. I strongly prefer F in women, because I'm rational enough for both of us, and I appreciate someone who defaults to feeling. P/J can go either way, but Ps have a more laid back demeanor. I relate to introverts just fine though.

Edited January 13, 2019 by edgygirl

January 13, 2019

I think so! Unless you have wildly incompatible lifestyles.

I would class myself as an introvert. I have plenty of friends but I prefer to do "quiet" activities with them - go to an art gallery, quiet drink and dinner, take a day trip somewhere, etc. I could easily spend an entire weekend home alone and I'd love it.

Boyfriend is the other end of the spectrum - out every day of the week socializing, gets cabin fever if couped up at home. I think we compliment each other well actually. Through him I make an effort to get out more and meet new people, through me he's learned to appreciate nights in cooking together, etc.

I guess that most of my boyfriends have been more extroverted than me. I'm not sure if it would be good for me if I had an equally introverted boyfriend... interesting

January 13, 2019

I am an ISTP, but I am also high energy and very outgoing. The STP is me for sure but the "I" could probably go either way.

I have dated two INTJs, including one right now and it is VERY hard.

INTJs play their cards so close to their chest and are very private. They are almost too rational for me. I need someone with some joie de vivre and emotion. The ISTP part of me that likes to solve problems immediately and come to a solution clashes with the introspective, wait and think and say nothing approach of the INTJ.

Introverted is fine, but I definitely need someone outgoing enough to make me feel secure and loved. Two women I have dated it feels like dating a robot. Like Lori Bream from Silicon Valley if anyone watches that show. One I call a cactus because she can live off so little affection and admiration.

So in short, I think it's less about extroversion and introversion and more about communication styles. If I feel reciprocated love, I couldn't care less if it's coming from someone while theyre at home reading drinking tea or whispering it in my ear on the dancefloor and a rave.

January 13, 2019

This is hilarious because I am an ENFP who LOVES INTJs :lmao: Both as friends and for a romantic partner. They're extremely hard to find. My best friend girl and favorite person in the world is an INTJ female - the rarest of all combos. Lots of people probably think she's a weirdo but I know I won the friendship lottery by finding her.

<SNIP>

I think the demographics of Myers Briggs is baloney. There are tons and tons of female INTJs. Tons. I know at least 4. I think this idea that they're super rare is a fallacy. And as romantic partners, I find them insufferable.

Edited January 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

January 13, 2019

I am INFP and prefer talkative introverts (there are those around). I find that when I have to take a lead in the conversation department, it tires me out. However, being with an extrovert who is constantly upbeat and has endless energy to socialize wouldn't work for me.

January 13, 2019

Can't really stand peacock men who won't stop talking and like being the center of attention (mega yawn).

Yep. But those may not be extroverts. Those are often guys with low self-value that feel that have to sell themselves and convince people they are more than they see themselves to be. They might also be narcissists which isn't necessarily introvert or extrovert.

January 13, 2019

lol... I was just thinking about this subject last night. I am a ENFJ here and was wondering what type I might work best with. lol...

January 13, 2019

I think so! Unless you have wildly incompatible lifestyles.

I would class myself as an introvert. I have plenty of friends but I prefer to do "quiet" activities with them - go to an art gallery, quiet drink and dinner, take a day trip somewhere, etc. I could easily spend an entire weekend home alone and I'd love it.

Boyfriend is the other end of the spectrum - out every day of the week socializing, gets cabin fever if couped up at home. I think we compliment each other well actually. Through him I make an effort to get out more and meet new people, through me he's learned to appreciate nights in cooking together, etc.

I guess that most of my boyfriends have been more extroverted than me. I'm not sure if it would be good for me if I had an equally introverted boyfriend... interesting

Exactly what I was trying to get at. Good points.

Introverted is fine, but I definitely need someone outgoing enough to make me feel secure and loved. Two women I have dated it feels like dating a robot. Like Lori Bream from Silicon Valley if anyone watches that show. One I call a cactus because she can live off so little affection and admiration.

Yep, I totally know what you're talking about dude.

I agree. I am a rational introvert (INTJ) and I like extroverts. ENFP is said to be a particularly great match for my type. I think an extreme E might be too much, but I like a woman who does more than half of the talking and always has an interesting topic to explore. I do not like to have to be the one to keep it going.

I also think, from my experience, that more introverted or quieter girls like or prefer more outgoing guys, even if they don't want to admit it outwardly (unless maybe they're both like goth or emo or something and just bond over hating the rest of normie society). Back when I was alot more reserved and quiet I didn't do well with introverted types. They want someone with a strong vibrant personality to pull things out of them and also show them the world or things that they're not used to. In the same way the other can learn some things from them that they haven't thought about, like slowing down and observing the world in a different way.

Anyway, obviously, in real life and real relationships, it's much more complex and nuanced than simply this introverted/extroverted dichotomy I've presented here, but it was just a question to spark further conversation. These qualities in people are certain not be-all end-all and many factors can influence it, or people can work with it.

And yeah I realize introversion is not the same as actual shyness. But either way, what I was getting at was different methods/styles of expression or communication. This also can apply to how frequently a person thinks its okay to talk when dating. Like some need to have at least one exchange of some kind every day, while others think its perfectly normal to go a couple of days without chatting or texting (if the other person isn't on board with this way of thinking, it can cause problems as it leads them to think the other isn't interested, when on their end or in their mind, there's nothing wrong). Some like frequent interaction while others get turned off by constant chatting or texting, finding it annoying and clingy, preferring to build up attraction through absence and leaving some degree of mystery. If both aren't on the same page about this, it could be problematic. But sometimes it takes a while for these things to become really evident.

I guess my other question was how do very quiet and non-communicative people get along with anyone in a relationship? Do you people usually find or look for the same kind of person? Or someone different to complement you or bring out certain qualities? I had a buddy, more of an acquaintance, in college who was kind of an alpha type dude, did the frat thing and all that, but was going out with a very quiet introverted girl. I wasn't sure if she actually enjoyed it or not, or just took it because she thought that was the best she was going to get. Because it almost seemed like he was doing it cause he was able to boss her around, control her, influence her and stuff, because of how pliant and non-confrontational she was. That didn't seem like the healthiest relationship to me. I'm not sure what became of them though.

I'm not saying all relationships between a quiet person and outgoing person are like that, but it's one example.

January 13, 2019

This is hilarious because I am an ENFP who LOVES INTJs :lmao: Both as friends and for a romantic partner. They're extremely hard to find. My best friend girl and favorite person in the world is an INTJ female - the rarest of all combos. Lots of people probably think she's a weirdo but I know I won the friendship lottery by finding her.<snip>

I keep hoping that a sweet ENFP will waltz into my life and mesh like I've heard we often do, and like you describe. ENFP seem to be rare, although the data say they're the seventh most frequent (one place above the middle). I've only had the opportunity to go out with one, and she just wasn't doing it for me (several reasons not related to type).

A lot of the matching is based on people who complement each other––one has strength where the other has a deficit, and visa versa––rather than doubling down on strengths and weaknesses. I believe this would work best for me. I like the openness of perceivers too.

I agree completely about N and S being incompatible. My ex-wife was a S (ESFP) and in retrospect I believe this was the source of a lot of the difficulties. I'd be absorbed in a great book on philosophy or something, and she'd come in and start ranting and raving about crumbs on the counter or footprints on the floor... stuff that I'd never notice or care about if I did. If I tried to float a new theory with her, I'd get that deer-in-the-headlight look, as if it was foolish to think such things. It really is a different way of interacting in the world.

My former girlfriend was INFJ, the rarest type of all. We got along well as long as it lasted. We both loved ideas and theoretical stuff, we loved staying in (cooking, movies, music, sex), and we were both similarly structured (J). I think I can mesh with any NF, but the chances of it working with another NT are low. I depend on her F to keep us out of pure cebreal mode.

If you have any nice, single ENFP girlfriends, send'em my way

Edited January 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

January 14, 2019

I think we're 10% of the population. I will tell you it can be quite magical, but indeed has to be the right person, type helps but is not the sole factor. I'm also looking for my unicorn INTJ. I dated a few maybe 4, fell for one but it didn't work out.

I keep hoping that a sweet ENFP will waltz into my life and mesh like I've heard we often do, and like you describe. ENFP seem to be rare, although the data say they're the seventh most frequent (one place above the middle). I've only had the opportunity to go out with one, and she just wasn't doing it for me (several reasons not related to type).

We're open but we also flake and are not fully committal on plans, we like to keep things open, it usually irritates Js who like structure etc.

I like the openness of perceivers too.

I get exactly what you're saying about the dear in the headlights look. It happens with all Sensors when I try to talk about anything that's theoretical / abstract. It's frustrating and impossible, we're from different worlds, hence I gave up on them. They are also into all these concrete things (crumbs or sports lol) that I could not care less about. A lot of ESFPs are wrongly typed as ENFPs hence we get the fame of being silly and airheaded...

NTs are also my fave, they just balance me out. But for some reason I work better with INTJs and ENTPs than INTPs i.e.

I agree completely about N and S being incompatible. My ex-wife was a S (ESFP) and in retrospect I believe this was the source of a lot of the difficulties. I'd be absorbed in a great book on philosophy or something, and she'd come in and start ranting and raving about crumbs on the counter or footprints on the floor... stuff that I'd never notice or care about if I did. If I tried to float a new theory with her, I'd get that deer-in-the-headlight look, as if it was foolish to think such things. It really is a different way of interacting in the world.

My former girlfriend was INFJ, the rarest type of all. We got along well as long as it lasted. We both loved ideas and theoretical stuff, we loved staying in (cooking, movies, music, sex), and we were both similarly structured (J). I think I can mesh with any NF, but the chances of it working with another NT are low. I depend on her F to keep us out of pure cebreal mode.

The place to find them (us) is in museums & art galleries, creative events, political ideological groups (we're idealists after all), I also like science, innovation, business & tech events. There are some groups on FB for N (intuitives) dating and also a couple of groups for ENFP/INTJ.

If you have any nice, single ENFP girlfriends, send'em my way

Edited January 14, 2019 by edgygirl

January 14, 2019

Yeah although I love my INTJ girl friend she's chronically single. She doesn't even date anymore.

Maybe in your medium and social circle you find more of them depending on your line of work. I only ever met one in my life, and the rest I see only online.

I think the demographics of Myers Briggs is baloney. There are tons and tons of female INTJs. Tons. I know at least 4. I think this idea that they're super rare is a fallacy. And as romantic partners, I find them insufferable.

January 14, 2019

My sis is ENFJ and has been married for 30+ years with an ISTJ. Not sure how it works as they're so different but it does.

lol... I was just thinking about this subject last night. I am a ENFJ here and was wondering what type I might work best with. lol...

January 14, 2019

Thanks edgygirl

I am not sure if I buy into all of it and putting people into boxes but it is interesting. It's used at work a lot so it must have some merit. I am not sure how some people seem to have this ability to identity types just in pasting. I have taken the Myers Briggs twice for work. The 1st time in 2000 and I was a ENTJ. The last time was a couple years ago and it appears I have moved to an ENFJ... We are in consistent change so I expect the next time I take it I may be in a different bucket.

Edited January 14, 2019 by Rayce

January 15, 2019

So the thing about getting different results is not that you changed or that the test doesn't work - we don't change personality types throughout life. It's just that the questions can be confusing, and we may reply differently specially if you are not doing it with the aid of a specialist. Usually people reply how they see themselves, not how they really are.

ie - My mom responded YES to the question of "is your desk organized?" yet she's NOT an organized person for home stuff... I let her choose although I know her well and she responded to a few questions the way she sees herself... and she got a type that when she read the description had nothing to do with her.

I told her let's do it again and I will help you respond cause I know you so well. This time she got ENFJ and identified with the description

ENFJ and ENTJs are quite different... do you make decisions more out of intuition or your rational side? (I certainly make it mainly through intuition/emotions - I am F and not T. We all use both our intuition and our rational side, but there's always a dominant one.

It can take years to figure out MB, requires tons of reading and interest... but I think it's worth it!

Thanks edgygirl

I am not sure if I buy into all of it and putting people into boxes but it is interesting. It's used at work a lot so it must have some merit. I am not sure how some people seem to have this ability to identity types just in pasting. I have taken the Myers Briggs twice for work. The 1st time in 2000 and I was a ENTJ. The last time was a couple years ago and it appears I have moved to an ENFJ... We are in consistent change so I expect the next time I take it I may be in a different bucket.

January 15, 2019

I think on that, it comes down to how one spends their time. I mean, certainly a mildly introverted person can be attracted to an extrovert and vice versa. But you can have problems depending on where on the scale they both fall. Like a real big extrovert isn't going to be stimulated at home with an extreme introvert who doesn't like going out and doing things and being around people. But if everyone is just somewhere around the middle, which is usually how personality traits fall, then both usually have some flexibility. For example, when young, I could sit out in the country and just read and listen to music for months at a time, but eventually, I needed to go into town to hear live bands and party. Then the more of my niche I found, the more extroverted I became. Some introverts were definitely drawn both to me and my extremely unhealthily extroverted roommate. She did all the work and they were just along for the ride. Of course, that became boring for her on any regular basis. And me as well.

But certainly a mild extrovert might appreciate a mild introvert who wasn't competing with him socially and gave him/her some space, and introverts would be glad to have some time alone at home as well.

January 15, 2019

I would like to dispel the rumor that introverts don’t communicate. We do.

The difference is we don’t HAVE to communicate. Example:

An elevator stops suddenly for a second between floors. An extrovert has a compulsion to say SOMETHING, if even to restate the obvious. They find the silence uncomfortable.

As an introvert, I am quite content to not say a thing.

In a relationship, I talk plenty. I am not shy but rather want to talk when I feel what I have to say will bring value, not to stop a silent moment.

I find extroverts irritating, the more they are extroverted the more irritated I get.

I do best with introverted women.

January 15, 2019

ENFJ and ENTJs are quite different... do you make decisions more out of intuition or your rational side? (I certainly make it mainly through intuition/emotions - I am F and not T. We all use both our intuition and our rational side, but there's always a dominant one.

It can take years to figure out MB, requires tons of reading and interest... but I think it's worth it!

It could also be the Rayce sits on the fence between T and F. We can learn to use our weaker functions better with intention. That won't change our type but it can certainly fill in some gaps in awareness. I have intentionally worked on my F over the last decade or so, and I am quite aware of feelings now, both others and my own. It doesn't change me fundamentally into a F, but it does give me more access to that function and helps me relate to feelers and accept the differences.

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when it comes to introversion/extroversion, does "opposites attract" apply?

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