Does he want to leave her?

January 12, 2019

Hello there. So let me begin... about five years ago I briefly met a colleague and heard we'd be going on a work trip together that May. I found him extremely handsome but was in a relationship (at the time the relationship was a bit rocky but becoming more stable). That March, my boyfriend proposed to me. I believed in our future and said yes. In May, work trip. Coworker and I get to know each other, we form a bond over our extremely similar personalities. He has a girlfriend 7 years younger than him (at the time we were both 28). Every night he asked me to grab a drink. On night three I give in but we go with other people. Everyone went to sleep and we stay up just talking three nights in a row. Insane connection.

We go back home and he starts texting me everyday saying he cant stop thinking about me and our connection he cant stay away from me etc. So we meet for coffee every day and have a hilarious time. This ensues for a month and then it gets physical one evening with kissing. After the kissing he begs me to tell him I wont leave my fiancé. I didnt know wha tto say. At the time, I would have left him but guy..lets call him John. John begged me not to leave fiancé and said he couldnt imagine life without his gf. All the confusion left me puzzled and annoyed. I left for vacation that summer and when back I texted him that I wanted to focus on my relationship and that we can be friends but nothing more.

He took this as a great insult and stops talking to me, is distant.. I still wanted to be friends but we had a very distant year to say the least. I really missed him though. We embark on work trip that next May and things escalate. I tell him ive missed him all year and our friendship and instead of replying..things get physical.. intense and we make love. Let's just say the love making was incredible. So this happens a few other times and each time it happens he cries. He said he was crying because of his girlfriend and he loved her so much how could he do this to her.

So I tell him we should stop but he keeps saying hes addicted to me he cant stay away from me but he could never believe hed do this to his girlfriend.

So anyway other than that the trip went very well he asked me so many questions about my deep thoughts..my future dreams.. he would not leave me alone.

The trip ends and we made love 2 more times. The last time he looked at me like he was waiting forever for this and held my hands kissing me the entire time. So it was not just sex. But i asked him..will you miss me ? And he wouldnt respond and angrily told me that he didnt want to respond.

That was it. Months later I was married and commited to my partner. I never looked back or cheated again. I know what I had done was very wrong. So we marry and john is very distant and dry. I dont even bother. I get pregnant after six months. I have my son and during my pregnancy John was obsessed with me texting non stop. I had to make some excuse like my husband is checking my phone.. to get him to stop. He left a present for my son in my work mailbox having one of our fun jokes personalized on a tshirt.

Anyway I am happy with the choice Ive made, despite our past my husband and I have persevered through illnesses, moving, and many other of lifes probs. Issues i dont think john would be able to handle.

But what puzzles me is what John wanted/wants. I left our job shortly after my son was born and changed to a management position but one year later my husband and I moved continents for work. I saw John in June for the first time in a year. We had lunch and he looked so sad. I was so sick of all his crazy confusion and nonsense. So i kept the conversation light and the lunch short.

Now ive moved away and john told me he is very depressed im gone and wants to see me. Dreams of me etc. I keep the conversation very platonic.

And we have a mutual friend who told me she was very attracted to john and told him and that he told her he "dreamt of her" so when he told me he dreamt of me recently i told him what our friend said and he said "I have crazy dreams"...

So anyway back to my question. What does John want? He told me he would never leave his gf. Who is still his gf. But is that a lie? Or is John just a playboy? Like why does he bother me? Does he want to be with me or is it all about sex.

Before asking why im asking...i have no intention of leaving my family. I just love to figure people out and have never been able to make sense of him. Thx!

January 12, 2019

Men dont leave faithful women for unfaithful women, even if she is cheating with him. The answer? He likely enjoys the sport of getting you into bed.

Simply put, if he wanted to leave and be with you he would have, so I don't really understand your confusion

January 12, 2019

Rosebleu,

First, congratulations for moving on and getting yourself out of this situation. He has sort of told you why he’s doing this. He’s an addict. He’s not addicted to you though, specifically. He’s addicted to what you can provide for him - an ego boost, variety, “extra”. You are a service provider.

Why does he keep returning to you? Because you’ve caved in the past, and this is the type of person who wants to take the easy path.

I think most if not all men crave variety. Women crave the love of a single person (men understand this). Most men are able to tamp down this urge but there is a subset that either can’t or won’t. You encountered one of them. They will do or say anything to satisfy this urge, as is typical of any addict.

Look for other addictive behavior as well, because I believe most of these men who cheat have poor impulse control in general.

January 12, 2019

Extra "marital" sex...

January 12, 2019

He's a player and a very messed up and confused person.

So glad to read you didn't cheat on your husband with him when the two of you had lunch (or coffee?) after you were married.

Don't waste your time trying to figure this guy out. He's no great mystery, just a garden variety cheater. Most likely he'll cheat on his gf or wife his entire life. Or at least until something happens that makes him take stock of himself and want to change.

January 12, 2019

What's to 'figure out' about him? If he's in your past, why do you need to 'figure out' anything at ALL about him? Because he's now hitting on your friend that he's 'dreaming' about?

There's nothing that mysterious about a guy whose attracted to a woman and is infatuated with her and wants to have sex with her but loves his girlfriend/wife and doesn't want to lose her - that's pretty much every cheating man's objective. Have their fun but don't get caught so they don't lose what they have at home. That's Cheater #101.

What's to figure out? This has been going on since the dawn of time.

Apparently you've found out that this 'oh-so-innocent' guy may not be who he pretends to be, since he's telling some other woman he 'dreamt' about her. Yup, he's gearing up to groom another one into believing he's 'never done this before but their connection is so intense that he just had to stray from the woman he loves.'

Honestly, I don't believe you were his first rodeo. Not at all. Sounds as though he has his 'innocent' routine down to a science. It probably won't be too long before your friend is hearing the same crap he's been feeding you for the last couple years.

January 12, 2019

What does John want?

He wants access to your vagina and to keep his access to his GF's. He wants more sex and you're the easiest way for him to get it.

He told me he would never leave his gf. Who is still his gf. But is that a lie?

At least he's honest. Who knows if eventually he'll leave his GF. Most likely, if he keeps up his current track, she'll leave him when she catches him cheating. And hopefully it won't be with you. He's fishing, this is what men do when they want a new/additional AP. Nothing new here at all, but he's not looking for a wife or new GF, he told you that. He's looking for something on the side. The only thing I like about John is his honesty, at least he's not spinning some love story; he's making it clear "I want to sleep with you and keep sleeping with my GF".

Or is John just a playboy? Like why does he bother me? Does he want to be with me or is it all about sex.

It's about the sex. It almost always is for male APs. Now, if you just want to have sex with him and don't care about hurting other people, you can decided to engage (I suggest you do not). But he has no intention of being with you outside of the time that your having sex together. Believe his words, believe the statistics (almost 0% of affairs go on to become anything serious), and believe what I think your gut is telling you (he just wants to sleep with me).

There's nothing that mysterious about a guy whose attracted to a woman and is infatuated with her and wants to have sex with her but loves his girlfriend/wife and doesn't want to lose her - that's pretty much every cheating man's objective. Have their fun but don't get caught so they don't lose what they have at home. That's Cheater #101.

Read, re-read and absorb this. Entering into an A for anything except sex is a fools errand. It's like buying lotto tickets as a "retirement plan". A's are for sex, not love, not caring, not honesty, not soulmates.. Almost all the time it's sex. And, if the guy is already telling you "I'm not leaving my GF" well then, I'm going to go out on a limb and say in those cases, 100% of the time, it's about sex. Understand the deal in an A, you provide sex, the WH provides kind words and a make believe "future" together. If you're OK with that trade, well then, at least enter into it with eyes wide open. But don't think there's action behind those kind words or love letters. That's not what A's are for, that's what relationships are for.

January 12, 2019

Hello there. So let me begin... about five years ago I briefly met a colleague and heard we'd be going on a work trip together that May. I found him extremely handsome but was in a relationship (at the time the relationship was a bit rocky but becoming more stable). That March, my boyfriend proposed to me. I believed in our future and said yes. In May, work trip. Coworker and I get to know each other, we form a bond over our extremely similar personalities. He has a girlfriend 7 years younger than him (at the time we were both 28). Every night he asked me to grab a drink. On night three I give in but we go with other people. Everyone went to sleep and we stay up just talking three nights in a row. Insane connection<snip>

Why, why, WHY do his actions matter? Just like you, he is a cheating spouse, and I would gently suggest to you that instead of worrying why he still contacted YOU, you would be better served by questioning why you continue to chase after HIM.

Edited January 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

January 12, 2019

Rosebleu,

First, congratulations for moving on and getting yourself out of this situation. He has sort of told you why he’s doing this. He’s an addict. He’s not addicted to you though, specifically. He’s addicted to what you can provide for him - an ego boost, variety, “extra”. You are a service provider.

Why does he keep returning to you? Because you’ve caved in the past, and this is the type of person who wants to take the easy path.

I think most if not all men crave variety. Women crave the love of a single person (men understand this). Most men are able to tamp down this urge but there is a subset that either can’t or won’t. You encountered one of them. They will do or say anything to satisfy this urge, as is typical of any addict.

Look for other addictive behavior as well, because I believe most of these men who cheat have poor impulse control in general.

The op is no different than the mm. She is a mw chasing after a married man.

January 12, 2019

ex mm wife was the ow and he was the om. they still married hes cheated on her 2 times, got me pregnant again. she new he was a cheater when she married him

if he does leave is that life you want? i kinda feel sorry for her she going end up with std one day

January 16, 2019

Why do you care what he wants? You're married and have kids. He's in a committed relationship with no intention of leaving. Block his number and email and never communicate with him again. It's pretty simple.

January 16, 2019

Apparently you've found out that this 'oh-so-innocent' guy may not be who he pretends to be, since he's telling some other woman he 'dreamt' about her. Yup, he's gearing up to groom another one into believing he's 'never done this before but their connection is so intense that he just had to stray from the woman he loves.'

I am one that fell for the "I had a dream about you..." I felt so incredibly special, and I assigned all kinds of lovely fantasies to that one statement and its follow-on description, and subsequently turned all of these tiny, tiny crumbs from some newly married man into an unsustainable loaf. It was pretty foolish of me, and I didn't realize he was fishing... How I wanted it to be real... Also, I found hilarious John's explanation of having told both you and your friend that he dreamed of you two. At no other time have I even considered this a pick-up line! Isn't that sad?! At least he can claim, "I never lied to you!" I got that one a lot, too... Like that matters.

Why ask why? Cheaters cheat. That is why! FLUSH!!

January 17, 2019

No he doesn’t want to leave her. He just wants extra with no obligations. Nothing more to figure out.

January 18, 2019

You broke the cardinal rule that all MM depend on....you took control.

Everything he is saying is about his bruised ego. He wants to win (get you into bed), even if winning means you lose your family.

Pay more attention to what he’s not saying. He’s not saying he’s leaving his girlfriend. He’s not saying you have a future and he wants you and your child.

In more ways than one, he’s a loser.

January 19, 2019

Looks like the OP hasn't been back since posting this so we'll close things up for now.

As always the OP can request the thread reopened via the ALERT US button.

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Does he want to leave her?

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