I have attachment Anxiety for no reason

[Ariesgirly]

Hey everyone,

 

I posted on here a few weeks back about a guy that I had started seeing who had spotty communication even though we had agreed to be exclusive after 4 dates (thanks for all of your feedback!) After being used to guys who love bomb me in the past with constant communication from day 1 this guy was coming off as not being interested even though he would tell me how much he likes me.

 

I decided to just communicate with him as I wanted to and not hold back from calling when I wanted and it did change the communication habits a bit. Its been a month of dating now and we have now gotten into a routine of phone calls every night (mostly me initiating when I am on my way home from the gym or work but he does call me as well) but our conversations are lasting anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. The texting during the day has not really changed other than a few "have a good day" texts because I have figured out he just does not pay attention to his phone at work but so far I have been okay with looking forward to speaking with him every night.

 

 

I feel like even though he has a hard time initiating the calls and texts, when I do talk to him he uses that time to express how he feels or wanting to make more plans. He has now started trying to see me a lot more and has expressed that he would like to see me more than twice a week so I have slowly started leaving more room for him in my life. He has expressed wanting me to meet friends and has made mention of more things he wants to do with me in the future, taking a weekend trip soon, etc and a few nights ago he asked me to go to a music festival with him in April and it was hard for me to wrap my head around planning something that far away because all of my relationships have crashed and burned when I plan ahead like that.

 

 

I realized that even though this guy is being open and honest and expressing his feelings and talking about the future, my anxiety is ruining the whole experience because of fear of being hurt. He has told me a few times I seem hesitant and I am hard to read and I feel like I still cant let my walls down. Last night we went on a great date golfing and dinner and he held my hand, was affectionate (that's when he brought up taking a weekend trip sometime soon) and he expressed he wanted to spend this weekend with me and go to a friends birthday party with me. I laid in bed next to him unable to sleep last night and sit there making a list of things in my head that are stupid reasons why It wont work out in the long run. For example- he lets his dog sleep in his bed when I am not there and the dog hair in the bed bothers me, he sleeps with a fan on at night and the sound annoys me, he doesn't have nutrition habits that are as good as mine, etc. Stupid things to help me push myself away. I wake up this morning and feel like the world is crashing down on me and that he has changed his mind about me overnight mostly because he has not initiated communication since I left his house this morning. I cant accept that things are good, and rather than taking comfort in his words and trusting him, I am waiting for a hidden agenda and the rug to be ripped out from under me.

 

 

I am terrified of ruining something with a good man and someone who is putting himself out there. Helppppppp

Edited January 11, 2019 by Ariesgirly

[PRW]

I feel like even though he has a hard time initiating the calls and texts, when I do talk to him he uses that time to express how he feels or wanting to make more plans.

Wow, the guy is textbook perfect. I wish I could get every guy to behave and show self control like this. It is awsome.

 

I am terrified of ruining something with a good man and someone who is putting himself out there. Helppppppp

I have no idea how we would help. You're going to have to force yourself to have discipline. Fake it till you make it if nothing else. Yes, if you "lose it" you will certainly ruin this opportunity.

[Ariesgirly]

PRW, definitely not textbook perfect! I like to feel wanted too and sometimes I worry that I am chasing him until he answers my phone call and wants to talk about everything. I seriously feel crazy that I still question everything even though he flat out is like "I am considering a serious relationship"

[GTR King]

Just keep spending time with him etc...

 

Sounds like he likes you and you like him.

 

No need to be scared, don't let past relationships/experiences ruin this one

[smackie9]

You are not marrying the guy next week...geee whiz! You are just dating. If it doesn't work it doesn't work.

The fan thing, just turn it off when he falls asleep. Maybe buy him one of those essential oil diffusers in place of the fan. Cook for him and introduce him to delicious food that is nutritious. As for the dog, just bring over a quilt of your own, and swap out the dog one. Then just fold it up and put it in the closet for the next time. See these things are fixable....so relax.

[Ariesgirly]

smackie9 I know we aren't getting married next week but in order to even have a relationship you have to let your guard down and trust the person for it to move forward. I am fully aware of this yes, but I I cannot stop the negative self talk. Just wanting to know if anyone else experiences this

[SophieG]

I’m the absolute worst! Believe me, I’m worst than you. I just learned to accept these amazingly shi**y thoughts and let them slide. Whenever my head start spinning on something, I either let it slip in the back of my mind, or I think of all the facts; What does his actions indicate me?!

I tried putting up walls at first, but it doesn’t really work because I’m too emotional (I cry for anything), so I end up showing a lot of emotions and showing vulnerability. I go with the mindset that we do not know the future. I’ll enjoy what I have right now, if it works Great!!! If it doesn’t, I’ll survive... it will hurt, but it never killed me before. I’d rather try and fall on my face than stay home alone for the rest of my life.

[basil67]

PRW, definitely not textbook perfect! I like to feel wanted too and sometimes I worry that I am chasing him until he answers my phone call and wants to talk about everything. I seriously feel crazy that I still question everything even though he flat out is like "I am considering a serious relationship"

 

Perhaps not textbook perfect, but he sounds pretty darn good. Dog hair, a fan and unhealthy eating habits are pretty small issues. Sheet changing and ear plugs should help the first two. As for the unhealthy eating, is he happy to eat healthy food when it's in front of him?

 

How much chasing do you have to do to get him to answer your phone calls?

[Lotsgoingon]

You know ... sometimes there is a reason you're not letting your guard down ... I can't say in your case ... but you're trotting out all these reasons for trusting him ... and yet you're holding back, you say ... Sometimes the "gut" is picking up information that the rational brain ignores.

 

Like if I were you, I WOULD be bothered that he doesn't initiate more calls or text much during the day. I've been with some extremely busy people and they found time to text.

 

Anyway, you're assuming it's only your fears holding you back. Are you sure? Are you sure you're strongly attracted to the guy? Are you sure you aren't troubled by his failure to initiate calls? I gotta tell you ... a lot of time, failure to initiate is a sign of lack of interest. And I wonder if your gut is picking up on that. Not trying to scare you.

 

You're don't seem pathologically insecure, so I'm reluctant to accept that this is attachment disorder? ... How did you know it's not disinterest disorder? I dated a bunch of fine women that only over time did I realize I just wanted that into them--despite them having great credentials and smarts and being pretty good looking. I later came to the view that the right woman will make me interested.

 

Just a different perspective.

[edgygirl]

I'm glad you communicated and things are feeling better with the calls.

 

OP as discussed before you have fearful avoidant attachment style. I am exactly the same as you so I get it.

 

Please read on Fear of Intimacy. And on Fearful Avoidant Attachment. And look up Inner Critic self sabotage. The thoughts you are having come from your inner child self sabotaging you, it's an emotional parasympathetic automatic reaction, that's why you can't even grasp why you're thinking those things when all is going well. Do not trust these emotional thoughts.

 

Once you read and understand the psychological mechanism behind it, you will start to be able to discern when it's your adult rational brain thinking things and when it's your self sabotaging child automatic inner critic sabotaging the relationship... as deep down it comes from fear of abandonment. And if you believe these emotional thoughts, you will start undermining the relationship until... he really abandons you. That's why it's called a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

Sorry but you're text book fearful avoidant. Start reading on it and working on it so you don't lose a good relationship with a good guy who is doing nothing wrong. It's all in your head. I know cause I am the same. Good luck!

 

I laid in bed next to him unable to sleep last night and sit there making a list of things in my head that are stupid reasons why It wont work out in the long run. For example- he lets his dog sleep in his bed when I am not there and the dog hair in the bed bothers me, he sleeps with a fan on at night and the sound annoys me, he doesn't have nutrition habits that are as good as mine, etc. Stupid things to help me push myself away. I wake up this morning and feel like the world is crashing down on me and that he has changed his mind about me overnight mostly because he has not initiated communication since I left his house this morning. I cant accept that things are good, and rather than taking comfort in his words and trusting him, I am waiting for a hidden agenda and the rug to be ripped out from under me.

 

 

I am terrified of ruining something with a good man and someone who is putting himself out there. Helppppppp

[GinON]

Edgy girl nailed it and your title says you already knew it was something like that. Start by telling yourself out loud, while looking in the mirror, “I am worthy of love and I am a trusting person. I feel good in a loving and strong relationship.”

Do it several times per day, even set an alarm and do it for a month or two.

 

Also keep in mind that you are in charge of your self worth, not your partner, their job is to be awesome for themselves and you get to enjoy each other’s company.

 

Try to leave your expectations out of it. Just enjoy what comes or goes because you are in charge of your happiness, not his actions or inactions.

[Gretchen12]

You've already made impressive changes. Now if you really have more serious issues, you should talk to a therapist. As an example, if someone is depressed it doesn't help when people just say cheer up! A professional can do more.

 

But maybe it's not so serious. I want to tell you to just not think about it. But I know that's not helpful. Can you get busier with more activities to take your mind off of the relationship?

[AriesDude]

It really does sound like it's going pretty well, for now. But you know that the daily calls and messages or also gonna calm down at some point to like 3 messages daily and one call a week at most right? Doesnt mean he is losing interest. Just means the comfort would be setting in. How are you gonna react then if you are like this now?

 

Honestly though I think things can work out great between you guys as things are but would advise you to communicate a lot more. Telling this guy about some of your worries could really take some of your questions off your mind and give you a far better idea of the future depending on what you and he can put up with. After all, there is no rule that says you have to wait for marriage to really open up your heart to someone.

Just my opi-onion

[Ariesgirly]

basil67 he usually returns a phone call within an hour of me calling. I've figured out that I end work earlier than him and he calls me once he is done with work. So, maybe that is not exactly chasing but I do wish that he would initiate calls more.

 

 

This morning when I left his house he asked me when we could see each other again. I do take note that this is him initiating but it seems that he leaves me to call the shots. He always says he wants to see me but waits for me to pick a day or time and he sucks at picking the activity. He showed up at my house on Friday with no plan for us and just asked what I wanted to do. Is this lack of initiation a red flag or just a more laid back style of man? We just spent Friday night to this morning together and he STILL cant wait to see me again. We weren't doing much yesterday and I was very tired and said if he wanted to go out and do something I could go home because I felt boring and he was like "no whatever I'm doing today I want to do it with you" and was completely fine just making breakfast for me and watching movies and football all day with me.

[MetallicHue]

I don’t think it’s a red flag. He wants to spend time with you that’s a good thing. I’m a terrible planner and my wife plans most stuff. I think it’s pretty cool that he just wanted to chill and spend the whole day with you.

[Rayce]

Sometimes it's hard to change our behavior and it takes hard work but it can be worth it. I know it's hard but consider next time knowing ahead of time your schedule and decided before what works best for you. That way you are prepared beforehand when he ask. Or you mention what doesn't work for you and put it back on him. Nothing wrong with calling the shots... maybe even take turns... ok I will pick this time but you next time.

Edited January 14, 2019 by Rayce

[basil67]

basil67 he usually returns a phone call within an hour of me calling. I've figured out that I end work earlier than him and he calls me once he is done with work. So, maybe that is not exactly chasing but I do wish that he would initiate calls more.

 

Perhaps he'd initiate a call after work without you initiating first. Have you ever waited to see if he does?

 

This morning when I left his house he asked me when we could see each other again. I do take note that this is him initiating but it seems that he leaves me to call the shots. He always says he wants to see me but waits for me to pick a day or time and he sucks at picking the activity. He showed up at my house on Friday with no plan for us and just asked what I wanted to do. Is this lack of initiation a red flag or just a more laid back style of man? We just spent Friday night to this morning together and he STILL cant wait to see me again. We weren't doing much yesterday and I was very tired and said if he wanted to go out and do something I could go home because I felt boring and he was like "no whatever I'm doing today I want to do it with you" and was completely fine just making breakfast for me and watching movies and football all day with me.

 

Sounds like a good thing. Asking when he can see you again is him basically checking your calendar. Sure, he could suggest a day, but if you're unavailable then it goes back to him having to find out when you are free.

 

If you want him to plan more, next time he says "what do you want to do?" smile and say "I planned last time, you decide". Hopefully he knows you well enough to start making choices which you will both enjoy. I think planning is best done by both parties - it gets really old being the only one (you or your man!) doing the planning.

[olivetree]

I have dealt with fearful avoidance throughout my life.

It takes time to build trust / have a secure relationship with someone.

Secure attachment is about the bond between two people.

While you can work on yourself in or out of therapy, part of feeling secure is how you two are in relationship.

So in that sense, you can't rush to get to that secure place, unfortunately as consistently feeling safe, loved and like they won't abandon you over time with the other person is key.

 

For now, you have to accept that you will feel uncomfortable.

You can take care of your mental health by meditating, journaling, exercising, etc.

Also, fostering friendships that also make you feel safe and loved REALLY helps your romantic relationships too - it shows you are able to have secure, healthy relationships so you know what one feels like.

 

When it feels right in your relationship, I suggest opening up to each other about both of your struggles and needs - particularly what you need to feel safe and loved.

Opening up and feeling accepted goes a long way to feeling safe.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

TBH it sounds like there is something missing on his end, you sense that he isn't as committed as he says he is. That is your gut instinct telling you something. I used to have anxiety when dating until I met the right guy, now I feel extremely secure. After this experience, I no longer believe in attachment styles except in extreme cases where someone grew up in a bad environment.

 

I totally feel you though as I have dated quite a few duds who left me out in the cold. I have no fear w/my partner at all and feel extremely secure. He always calls/texts when he says he will, always wants to spend time w/me etc. The other guys barely texted me, always told me how much they cared for me, but never did anything to improve communication. The pattern I see is this: You express your unhappiness about communication, they improve for a short period, then everything goes back. Even when the guys did improve communication (which didn't last btw), I still had a gut feeling that something was off and it was.

 

 

By classifying yourself as insecure, that opens the door for other people to treat you poorly. "They can't possibly be doing something wrong because I have anxious attachment". Be careful about blaming yourself because that can easily happen and you will settle for whatever crumbs the guy gives you.

[greymatter]

In my relationship, we don't always make a plan ahead of time for our dates. If one of us has an idea ahead of time (or wants to see a certain movie or something similar) then we float it by the other, but there are plenty of times that we get together and then figure out what we are going to do. In the first six months we almost always went out, but we've been staying in more (especially with it being winter and getting dark so early). I never expect him to be the one to plan everything, and I don't care what we do as long as we are together.

 

Seems like you are viewing him pretty critically and almost looking for trouble. He is expressing that he wants to see you. That should be music to your ears. You can do your part by coming up with some ideas. Are you afraid to do that? He doesn't have to be the perfect planner. Don't expect him to be perfect (no one is).

 

I keep earplugs by the bed for when my BF snores (thankfully it's usually only when he is falling asleep and then he stops). Earplugs would be good for tuning out the fan noise also. Ask him to change the sheets before you come over - he sounds like he would be willing. That is small stuff that can be figured out, if it truly bothers you. Letting go of some (unimportant) things is also a good idea.

[olivetree]

TBH it sounds like there is something missing on his end, you sense that he isn't as committed as he says he is. That is your gut instinct telling you something. I used to have anxiety when dating until I met the right guy, now I feel extremely secure. After this experience, I no longer believe in attachment styles except in extreme cases where someone grew up in a bad environment.

 

I totally feel you though as I have dated quite a few duds who left me out in the cold. I have no fear w/my partner at all and feel extremely secure. He always calls/texts when he says he will, always wants to spend time w/me etc. The other guys barely texted me, always told me how much they cared for me, but never did anything to improve communication. The pattern I see is this: You express your unhappiness about communication, they improve for a short period, then everything goes back. Even when the guys did improve communication (which didn't last btw), I still had a gut feeling that something was off and it was.

 

 

By classifying yourself as insecure, that opens the door for other people to treat you poorly. "They can't possibly be doing something wrong because I have anxious attachment". Be careful about blaming yourself because that can easily happen and you will settle for whatever crumbs the guy gives you.

 

Attachment theory does not say that one person is, for example "fearfully avoident".

People may tend towards an attachment style, but you can have different attachments to different people, and different attachments at different times to the same person.

It's not a fixed trait, though you can strive to become more secure in general by having relationships with people that tend towards security.

In essence, having the safe relationships you likely lacked as a child.

 

The difference between your past bf's and your bf now is that he likely tends toward being secure, which helped you become secure with him too.

Now that you've been like this in a relationship and know what it's like to feel safe, you're more likely to better differentiate when it's you or them or you together and cut off relationships that feel unsafe in the future.

 

So no, it's not helpful to characterize yourself as say "fearfully avoidant" and I think that is a misuse of the theory.

 

In OPs case, he seems to be doing all the right things, more or less, and she still feels scared and like running away.

The little he may be doing wrong would not be a deal breaker for most people.

She'd probably feel less anxious if he was smothering her but then she'd have a new set of issues (she'd probably feel more avoidant).

So in this case, I think it's the newness of the relationship that is bringing out her fear of abandonment.

[brent878]

Attachment theory does not say that one person is, for example "fearfully avoident".

People may tend towards an attachment style, but you can have different attachments to different people, and different attachments at different times to the same person.

It's not a fixed trait, though you can strive to become more secure in general by having relationships with people that tend towards security.

In essence, having the safe relationships you likely lacked as a child.

 

The difference between your past bf's and your bf now is that he likely tends toward being secure, which helped you become secure with him too.

Now that you've been like this in a relationship and know what it's like to feel safe, you're more likely to better differentiate when it's you or them or you together and cut off relationships that feel unsafe in the future.

 

So no, it's not helpful to characterize yourself as say "fearfully avoidant" and I think that is a misuse of the theory.

 

In OPs case, he seems to be doing all the right things, more or less, and she still feels scared and like running away.

The little he may be doing wrong would not be a deal breaker for most people.

She'd probably feel less anxious if he was smothering her but then she'd have a new set of issues (she'd probably feel more avoidant).

So in this case, I think it's the newness of the relationship that is bringing out her fear of abandonment.

 

This is extremely true. I was securely attached or avoidant even in my marriage and in other relationships, but in the one I am in now, I am anxiously attached. The reciprocity and normal signals of security that I have received in the past that have allowed me to settle into a place of safety and happiness just aren't there because the person I am with is horrific at expressing themselves.

 

100% agree attachment is not a fixed trait. It is a descriptor of how you might feel in any given interaction/relationship and highly dynamic.