beinghumble Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 Good Morning everyone, I've been talking to this girl now for about 3months now, we have been texting daily without missing a beat until recently. Little backstory, she was open in the beginning about being in a terrible relationship emotionally, someone who was constantly cheating on her etc. This person who is her baby father. Fast forward to about a week ago we had sex for the first time, great sex actually, and the next day she told me she is scared and feeling Vulnerable, and scared she might get burned again in the relationship. I find this so weird because I haven’t done anything for her to believe that I would do something like this, is this her way for using the take it slow tactic to slowly backout of the relationship, is there possibly someone else, should I just give her space, or just leave this situation completely?
Author beinghumble Posted January 11, 2019 Author Posted January 11, 2019 Oh and one more thing, we do work together so the signals feel so mixed, like yeah we haven't texted in 4 days but she stops by my desk daily, sometimes with food, we still spend every break together, I tried asking her about our situation, an how its important to not waste each other time etc..But couldn't getting anything clear, she just like me with expressing feelings…Difficult lol…**UGH!!!*
Ruby Slippers Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 If you want to be with her, I think you're going to have to offer her a better life for her and her child than the one she has with her "baby daddy", make it very clear you're ready, able, and wanting to provide that. Until she leaves that relationship, she's also cheating, which is a difficult situation for anyone to be in. And even when relationships are bad, it's still hard on people emotionally when they end. She also might just be using you for side attention, with no real intention to leave her cheating man. Do you really want to get involved in this messy situation? You might be better off dating a single woman without the baggage.
alphamale Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 trust me, you don't want to be involved with her or her situation 1
AriesDude Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 (edited) Just sounds like she wants to take it slow from what I can see. You had intercourse now so she will be anxious to see what you do...leave, stay, maybe cheat....in some way she wants you to show her you wont cheat on her too which of course is not your fault, she is projecting her past on all men like everyone is the same as the baby father and yea thats impossible to ask from most people. So just take it slow and keep doing what you are doing...don't go quiet, send cute messages daily or whatever you did lol etc...and take her out again as soon as you can. Worst thing you can do now is to go quiet too as she will just end up taking that as an answer to her own cynical questions. Edited January 11, 2019 by AriesDude
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 I agree with AriesDude. It seems she's projecting her past trauma. This can be expected if it was pretty bad. Be compassionate, and match her speed with things. Try to reassure with words and action. Talk about her past if she's open to it. I'd keep this up as long as things feel good in an early relationship. However, beware of a persistent pattern of push-pull-push-pull. Sometimes people can suddenly find themselves wondering often what they are doing wrong to the other person. Goodwill isn't reciprocated. Good times are immediately followed by a withdrawal by the other person. The reality is that they are trying to sort out how the past is still affecting them. Then there's risk towards codependency. Her problems suddenly become your problems, and that's an issue if she isn't actively trying to find ways to positively cope.
Happy Lemming Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 I agree with "alphamale"... "...leave this one alone." - George Thorogood Also... for future reference... Never fish off the company pier (do not date people you work with)
Author beinghumble Posted January 11, 2019 Author Posted January 11, 2019 Thanks for the replies, great information given from everyone... Thanks again.. I will take it one day at a time an see how it play out while keeping my awareness up with the info that was provided from you all.
d0nnivain Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 She's punishing you for his sins. By having sex she opened herself up & made herself vulnerable. Last time she did that with the other guy, she got hurt. Now she thinks all men -- even the good ones like you -- are just like him. If you want her to feel more comfortable, don't push. Try sending her flowers or a nice snail mail card. You need to do more then text. Schedule a romantic date but don't expect sex. Let her set the pace about your next time. She needs to see that you want her as a person, not just for her body. 1
Author beinghumble Posted January 11, 2019 Author Posted January 11, 2019 Thank you, I will give her space, an show I’m not here only for sex. I just hope I’m not being played, but time will tell, an u live an learn.. I will give it a shot and be patient . Thanks again everyone!
manfrombelow2 Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 Just keep it light, keep hanging out, having fun and hooking up. The positiveness and good vibe will take care of the rest. Don't ever think of bringing up "relationship" issue because that's the woman's job, not yours.
Juha Posted January 12, 2019 Posted January 12, 2019 trust me, you don't want to be involved with her or her situation I agree with this 100%... You do not want to get involved in this mess. She is not good girlfriend material, she is damaged.... Do yourself a favor and find a woman who is not damaged and you will be much happier in the end... I wish you luck
Author beinghumble Posted January 12, 2019 Author Posted January 12, 2019 Also could anyone make sense on why she would show the low interest by not responding to text messages but while at work she still visits me daily on every break and before she leaves showing very high interest?? So confusing, like ignore me via text over the weekend, but all in my face with high interest at work.
Normm Posted January 12, 2019 Posted January 12, 2019 Do not get involved with a person you work with unless you're willing to put up with the unavoidable awkwardness and discomfort that comes with being forced to see an ex every single workday, possibly multiple times per day. Most relationships fail that's why we aren't with the person we first dated. Don't be the person stuck at work with their ex because you made a bad decision. 1
PRW Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 Fast forward to about a week ago we had sex for the first time, great sex actually, and the next day she told me she is scared and feeling Vulnerable, and scared she might get burned again in the relationship. I find this so weird because I haven’t done anything for her to believe that I would do something like this What you do with her is up to you. Others have given plenty to think about. But I am going to focus on this particular thing since I feel it was passed over. Sex has more emotional impact for a woman than a man. In fact she cannot even fully enjoy it unless her emotions are engaged in it. So sex is much more of an emotional investment. Women will often wait longer to have sex than the guy wants to because she is trying to figure out if the guy is worth the emotional investment. Then, after sex, she is now worried about buyer's remorse and wants to be sure that the guy she just had sex with was worth the investment, she wants to be sure the investment wasn't ill placed, and she wants to protect that investment. So her feelings at that point are pretty much exactly what I would expect them to be particularly considering her past experiences.
Author beinghumble Posted January 13, 2019 Author Posted January 13, 2019 Very appreciative of everyone who took the time To help me with this situation. Thank you all
alphamale Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 Very appreciative of everyone who took the time To help me with this situation. Thank you all so, what are you going to do?
Author beinghumble Posted January 13, 2019 Author Posted January 13, 2019 so, what are you going to do? Going to have a serious talk, no matter how uncomfortable it is. I will ask questions on how she feels, and how she feels about our situation. I will also show compassion, and understanding with whatever the results are. And I feel like I will be okay if this is the end because I will have the answers I need, being in the grey area not knowing whats going on sucks, that's why I guess communication in a relationship is key, and will always be key.
edgygirl Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 No. As others said, she's just scared to get hurt again. She's traumatized. You're overthinking. Go easy on her. Treat her nicely. Show you are a good guy unlike her ex. Good luck with the talk! is this her way for using the take it slow tactic to slowly backout of the relationship, is there possibly someone else, should I just give her space, or just leave this situation completely? 2
Author beinghumble Posted January 13, 2019 Author Posted January 13, 2019 No. As others said, she's just scared to get hurt again. She's traumatized. You're overthinking. Go easy on her. Treat her nicely. Show you are a good guy unlike her ex. Good luck with the talk! The talk should clear things up, especially since the texting is no longer the same,(been a week since we texted) which shows low interest, but then when we around each other at work, you couldn't even tell that there was a problem the way how we still vibe very well in person. The talk is definitely needed, even if it might push her away do to it being uncomfortable, but its not fair to have me in this position, when All i did was be kind a truthful to her from the start.
edgygirl Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 I know it's not fair and you're disappointed, but (her) trauma can work in mysterious ways. I believe clear communication here will help both of you sort this out.Instead of guessing what the issue is, talk live about it and you'll probably get your response. I hope she's willing to discuss her feelings openly, as some people who went through trauma might have difficulties doing so. The talk is definitely needed, even if it might push her away do to it being uncomfortable, but its not fair to have me in this position, when All i did was be kind a truthful to her from the start. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 Talking is going to scare her off. It's pressure to define the relationship & commit. She wants light & fun while she builds up trust. You need to SHOW her you are a good guy, not tell her. If you want to fix this ask her on a light physical date, like bowling & just play. Talk about anything else other than the state of your interactions. 1
manfrombelow2 Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 (edited) Like I said, the "talk" only puts more pressure on women, because they don't want the "talk", they want to feel safe and relaxed. The only correct formula is hang out, have fun and hook up. Don't talk man, just take her out for some bowling, climbing, airsoft... anything that's fun that you two can play together as a team. The positiveness you created will take care of the rest. Edited January 13, 2019 by thaygiaogiang 1
Author beinghumble Posted January 13, 2019 Author Posted January 13, 2019 Like I said, the "talk" only puts more pressure on women, because they don't want the "talk", they want to feel safe and relaxed. The only correct formula is hang out, have fun and hook up. Don't talk man, just take her out for some bowling, climbing, airsoft... anything that's fun that you two can play together as a team. The positiveness you created will take care of the rest. "The Talk" is for the texting situation. It's been a week since we last text, and I was the one who sent the last message, and I didn't double text. For her to still show interest while at work with her multiple visits, and bringing me food, etc, it gets very confusing that We only communicate at work, an as of late, never outside of work.
PRW Posted January 15, 2019 Posted January 15, 2019 Going to have a serious talk, no matter how uncomfortable it is.This on pretty much 95% of the time results in the guy (you in this case) being dumped within a week,...maybe 2 weeks if you are lucky.
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