Visu Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 Hi, I am new. Stumbled upon this site looking for answers. The background: I am married. He is married. We both have children. We had a friendship first, isn't that how it always starts? The flirting became more and more intense - emotional affair, I guess is what you would call it. How I got wrapped up in this, I haven't a clue. But I continued it, because it felt good. That seems horrible, even as I type it. But it is the truth. The ultimate sin: We had sex 4 months after the really intense flirting began. On more than one occasion we got together. This went on for 3 months. It was hot, passionate and everything you would expect from an illicit affair. And the emotional side of our affair continued to build. I was in deep. I wanted to see him, touch him, smell him and talk to him everyday. I woke up next to my husband sickened by what I had done/what I was doing, but I wanted this other man. I wanted him to be my husband, I wanted to be his wife. The aftermath: He decided we shouldn't have sex anymore. I agreed. In a crying rage, I cut him out of my life completely. I deleted all emails (even the really hot ones), I shredded all of my pathetic journaling about what our future together could be like, I deleted him from contact lists, from IM, from my cell phone. I shut it off (and I was damn proud of myself!). However, that was 3 months ago. He continues to call 3x's per week and send me emails - just funny things or asking me for advice, etc. When he calls, we end up talking for an hour and a half. He says he just wants to talk. Because he values talking to me and has no one else. I'm thinking its just the classic line to string me along - they can't turn to their wives because they won't listen or they just get yelled at blah blah blah. But the last conversation was extremely flirtatious. He said he has been thinking about getting together, about meeting up again. He used our code word for sex. I pretended not to hear this. The present issue: I need help! How do I stop picking up the phone when he calls? I see his number and my heart jumps. Even still. I get butterflies when I see his name in my inbox on emails from him. I have an acquaintance with the same first name as him and I get all freaked out when I see his name and it's just the first name! I love this man. Where do I go from here and what does he want from me? Is it wrong to be friends? Is there any way for us to be friends in a healthy way?
Miffy Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 Oh this sounds so similar to my situation, its horrible and it hurts so bad Do you not want to be with OM or is it that he called it off? I am also still in touch with OM and feel guilty, like I should stop but I get such a buzz. My OM not only lied but backed off too and I wanted to hurt him real bad - make him miss me It does get easier but it takes a long time and only if you are committed. Now I have the fun of someone fancying me but have pulled my heart right out.
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 Because he values talking to me and has no one else. He has his wife to talk to. If you really want this "over" then push him to talk to his wife, not you, about his problems and things going on in his life. You did so well by taking the control for 3 months and trying to get over him. Unfortunately you cannot be friends with this man, it's impossible and I think you know that. The feelings are still being fed and unless you want to be in limbo like this for a very long time, you need to completely end it - Again, and stick to your guns! Don't worry about him and his reactions, how he'll feel. What counts is YOU!!! Get to Marriage Counselling and work on your marriage, find out what is missing from it that made you look outside the marriage...Does your husband please you? Satisfy all your needs? Does he treat you well, listen to you, understand you, respect you? Obviously this OM filled a void in your life as you did for him... Read about the forum and see if there really is anybody who has been successful in keeping a MM as a friend after an affair.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 Is there any way for us to be friends in a healthy way? He doesn't want your friendship. He wants you to fill a void in his life and should that include some convenient sex from time to time then so be it. It is "friends" only in that he has a need for you, so he uses you to fill that need. Should he ever get to the point where he doesn't 'need' you, fills that void in his marriage and then after all the sexual attraction/desire dwindles to zero - then, and only then would he be in the position to even consider actual 'friends'. A healthy friendship would be one that he doesn't have any reason to hide from his W or anyone else. As long as he does have to hide you though, you aren't a friend. You are a secret, an escape. The very nature of the 'friendship' he offers comes with an understanding that you have to agree to degrade yourself down to the level of a 'dirty secret' just in order to accept the meager offers of 'friendship' he has to give. You have to make a choice: if you want to keep this man in your life then you will have to do it with your eyes wide open and understand just what he is offering (and what he is not offering), and what little you are willing to settle for. Don't read more into it than there really is. Lower your expectations, and put your heart on hold. Don't call it 'friends' when it really isn't. Understand that he has a use for you to fill a need that he refuses to see met in his own marriage, and very little else. It is not easy to accept this - but if you want to have this relationship, you will need to see it for what it is, or you will eat a hole in yourself everyday trying to see it for what it is not. Lets say you choose to walk away, and look for something in life that doesn't have you putting yourself and your needs last. You will need to get over this guy and the only way you will get over what you are going through is to sever any and all ties. Block his email, block his number - do not accept any incoming contact and do not send any out. Go to complete 'no contact' and over time these feelings you have will eventually fade. It won't be easy though.
megabit15 Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 He doesn't want your friendship. He wants you to fill a void in his life and should that include some convenient sex from time to time then so be it. It is "friends" only in that he has a need for you, so he uses you to fill that need. Should he ever get to the point where he doesn't 'need' you, fills that void in his marriage and then after all the sexual attraction/desire dwindles to zero - then, and only then would he be in the position to even consider actual 'friends'. A healthy friendship would be one that he doesn't have any reason to hide from his W or anyone else. As long as he does have to hide you though, you aren't a friend. You are a secret, an escape. The very nature of the 'friendship' he offers comes with an understanding that you have to agree to degrade yourself down to the level of a 'dirty secret' just in order to accept the meager offers of 'friendship' he has to give. You have to make a choice: if you want to keep this man in your life then you will have to do it with your eyes wide open and understand just what he is offering (and what he is not offering), and what little you are willing to settle for. Don't read more into it than there really is. Lower your expectations, and put your heart on hold. Don't call it 'friends' when it really isn't. Understand that he has a use for you to fill a need that he refuses to see met in his own marriage, and very little else. It is not easy to accept this - but if you want to have this relationship, you will need to see it for what it is, or you will eat a hole in yourself everyday trying to see it for what it is not. Perfectly put. We often believe what we want to believe instead of seeing things as they are. The worst damage we do is to ourselves. Great advice LB.
Author Visu Posted September 16, 2005 Author Posted September 16, 2005 We were friends for 6 months before we started the EA and the excessive flirting. We work together. We worked together for 5 years prior to the EA and prior to us even becoming friends. Luckily, I transferred to another division, so I am in a completely different area and building. However, he put in to transfer to my department. He told me this today in an email. Which I read, but did not yet respond.
starreyes Posted September 17, 2005 Posted September 17, 2005 Don't call it 'friends' when it really isn't. Understand that he has a use for you to fill a need that he refuses to see met in his own marriage, and very little else. It is not easy to accept this - but if you want to have this relationship, you will need to see it for what it is, or you will eat a hole in yourself everyday trying to see it for what it is not. LB, you hit the nail on the head. Being "friends" is one of the hardest things to do after you've been involved with a MM. And seeing it for what it is can eat you alive, if you can't accept it. Visu, I feel for you because he can still make your heart jump, yet "being friends" just isn't enough sometimes. Can you be friends in a healthy way? It's possible but improbable. There's going to come a time when you've had enough of the "friends" bit and you will re-examine what "friends" really is. That is what happened to me. We tried to be "friends" but it's not working. I finally decided that to move on with MY life, I needed to stop being friends with him. I have to be free, if you will. I'm in that situation now and it's time for me to say goodbye to him, yet he won't let me go. But I have to do it for myself. What LB said is extremely true - see the relationship for what it is, and when you do, you will finally get clarity. I finally did, and told him what I thought of us as "friends" and I felt 100 percent better. Being honest with him and yourself finally makes you see things clearly and then you can act to help yourself...because you have to be happy with yourself to live a happy life. Keep posting and I know you will get through this part of your life. I'm going through it and I'm doing ok......you will too!
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