Had an argument with boyfriend and he withdrew from me

[miss2017]

Me and my boyfriend had a bit of an argument regarding an issue where he wasn't telling me the whole truth about it.

 

In other words, he was trying to sugar-coat it but then I realised he wasn't being true to me and I confronted him.

 

He didn't like it at all, but at least he finally told me the truth about the situation, which was what I was already expecting.

 

Anyway, after that argument we decided to have a conversation later about it, but when we were saying goodbye he avoided kissing me and went away.

 

Also, he usually texts me all the time and I haven't heard from him since.

 

A friend of mine says he knows he has done me wrong, but he's just withdrawing to see if I go chase him.

 

Anyway, I don't like this kind of behaviour. We agreed to have a conversation later about it, and to me my feelings for him don't change just because of an argument. I still want to kiss goodbye and hear from him during the day.

 

I find his behaviour kinda childish and I don't like it. I can't trust someone that reacts this way when I open up telling him how I feel and think.

 

I was hurt when he avoided kissing me goodbye.

 

What do you think of this? Instead of wanting to chase him, this is kinda putting me off to be honest.

[ExpatInItaly]

What was it he was dishonest about, OP? What happened during this argument?

 

Some people genuinely need time to cool off after a fight, but I'm trying to determine if that's what he's doing or if this is his way of punishing you for seeking the truth about whatever he did.

 

How long has it been since the argument?

 

EDIT: Seems to be a bit of a pattern between you two, no? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/673326-no-texting-back-answering-phone-after-we-had-serious-conversation-2.html

[miss2017]

What was it he was dishonest about, OP? What happened during this argument?

 

Some people genuinely need time to cool off after a fight, but I'm trying to determine if that's what he's doing or if this is his way of punishing you for seeking the truth about whatever he did.

 

How long has it been since the argument?

 

EDIT: Seems to be a bit of a pattern between you two, no? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/673326-no-texting-back-answering-phone-after-we-had-serious-conversation-2.html

 

Yes there seems to be a bit of a pattern here.

 

I understand the need to withdraw after a fight, but the avoidance to give me a goodbye kiss was hurtful.

[elaine567]

What was the argument actually about?

[MetallicHue]

A little more background about the fight and the particular issue in the past may be helpful. It’s fine if you don’t want to share but the more specific more people can help. On the outside looking in it doesn’t sound good that he feels like he needs to keep withdrawing like that. I’m probably guilty of this at times myself. Maybe you could just talk to him about it and how it makes you feel or understand why he did that when back talking to you.

[d0nnivain]

Whatever the fight was about, sounds like you are open to being the peacemaker.

 

Reach out & say something like

 

I don't like it when we fight. I would hope that we were at a place where we could be open & honest even when it's something the other person didn't really want to hear. Can we get past this? I care about you. Let's [fill in an activity]

 

See if you can pull him back.

[ShadeOfGreen]

I think it's good that you are focusing on his response to your concern. How a person handles conflict can sometimes be more important than the behavior that started the argument.

 

From the history link posted, you've only been dating this person a couple months. You are learning his conflict resolution style. This is where you start finding out how he handle things. It can be fatiguing when a partner fades, seems to withhold, or puts up walls whenever you bring up a concern. People sometimes end up feeling like they can't talk about anything with their partner, and what kind of partnership is that?

 

As the above poster mentioned, address the desire to be open and honest. See how he responds. If it's not enough for you, then you find out early before you are too deep. Two months is better than two years later with the same thing over and over again.

[smackie9]

He doesn't give you the whole truth because he knows he will never hear the end of it from you, no? He is avoiding your wrath? Guys that do this are avoiders because they think being honest has a bad outcome.

If you change how you handle the truth, and say "well I'm glad you let me know....., I appreciate your honesty...." He will be more apt to tell you the truth and be open to clearer communication.

Another thing is, don't drill at him till he breaks down. If he doesn't come clean, don't fight, just express that you don't appreciate being lied to, then walk away. Let him feel bad about it by you being disappointed in him.

 

It's all about changing the way you deal with things, will make this behavior of his shift. Be calm, direct, then leave it. The more you push at him, the more he's going to lie, and start being resentful towards you...that's when that vicious cycle never ends and you two are always arguing, and nothing gets resolved.