He has shown some disinterest after the first date. How to proceed?

[annalilian26]

I went on a date with a guy from bumble who I was really attracted to and found really interesting and nice. Our date was about 6 hours long and he mentioned that he had a really great time. I told him that I did too and would love to meet up with him again sometime and he agreed. When my uber arrived to pick me up, he awkwardly said 'I dunno...Should I kiss you?'. We kissed momentarily on the lips and about 30 minutes after I sent him a message saying it was nice meeting him and he responded saying likewise and also making an inside joke from earlier in the night.

 

The day after my house mate wanted me to show her a picture of him and I noticed that he totally redid his bio and put up all these new pictures that day. I thought this was strange and my housemate mentioned that the success of such a good date maybe gave him a big ego boost and now he wants to try and meet up with more girls.

 

About 3 days passed without hearing anything from him, so I today thought I'd try to reconnect with him by sending him a link to a movie we were talking about and told him that this was the movie and he should definitely see it. He hasn't responded to my message for a few hours but I can see that his distance keeps changing, meaning that he has been using tinder since.

 

Everyone around me tells me I should just move on from this guy and I'm starting to feel a little underwhelmed, however I don't want to be too hard on him either. If he gets in touch soon, I think I will just be polite, friendly and casual and leave it up to him to make the next move.

 

However, I have a feeling he is going to get in touch much later on when it's too late.

 

If he were to response, say in a week or two weeks from now, how would you suggest I proceed? In particular, what should I communicate to him without sounding bitter or desperate?

 

(I'll also note that before he asked me out, I asked him what brought him to bumble and he said 'break up blues'. When he asked me out, I told him that I am not really into casual dating and want to make sure we're on the same page considering that he is moving on from a break up and he said not to worry and he would like to see how it goes meeting up with me.)

Edited January 11, 2019 by annalilian26

[sabaton]

I went on a date with a guy from bumble who I was really attracted to and found really interesting and nice. Our date was about 6 hours long and he mentioned that he had a really great time. I told him that I did too and would love to meet up with him again sometime and he agreed. <SNIP>

 

if you are that excited about him: he must be hot.

 

If he's 18-30, and it's easy for him to get laid with attractive women, chances are he's just looking to play the field. Don't get emotionally attached to this guy. If he's that hot and he is good in bed(ask him on a second a date and jump his bones to find out) keep him as a FWB until you find someone who wants to commit to you.

 

 

If you are not interested in casual dating, you better forget about this guy.

Edited January 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[annalilian26]

if you are that excited about him: he must be hot.

 

If he's 18-30, and it's easy for him to get laid with attractive women, chances are he's just looking to play the field. Don't get emotionally attached to this guy. If he's that hot and he is good in bed(ask him on a second a date and jump his bones to find out) keep him as a FWB until you find someone who wants to commit to you.

 

 

If you are not interested in casual dating, you better forget about this guy.

Hi Thanks for your message. I wouldn't really call him conventionally good looking, infact I'd say that I probably would be the 'better looking' person. I guess I just found him really interesting and smart, it takes more than physical good looks to pique my interest and I don't find myself interested often, so I guess he stood out.

 

I am not into a casual sex, so yes this isn't going to work if that's his only intention but I'm unsure if I am just expecting too much too soon or if he's maybe just shy/nervous.

[d0nnivain]

You had a great time. He didn't. He's not back on the apps because you gave him an ego boost. He is back on the apps because you weren't what is was looking for. It doesn't make you bad or wrong. It just means you & him are not destined for happily ever after.

 

You did everything right, including the thank you note & waiting a few days before sending a follow up text regarding something you discussed. You expressed interest without being clingy or inappropriate. He didn't respond. That silence is all you need to know; he's not interested.

 

I know you think he's gonna pop back up but I don't think so. If he does come 'round after 2 weeks that would be a clear signal that he's settling for you because nobody better is out there. Do you really want to be his 2nd or 3rd choice?

[sabaton]

Hi Thanks for your message. I wouldn't really call him conventionally good looking, infact I'd say that I probably would be the 'better looking' person. I guess I just found him really interesting and smart, it takes more than physical good looks to pique my interest and I don't find myself interested often, so I guess he stood out.

 

I am not into a casual sex, so yes this isn't going to work if that's his only intention but I'm unsure if I am just expecting too much too soon or if he's maybe just shy/nervous.

 

 

hmm, so this guy is physically unattractive and he's still looking to play the field? Is there a shortage of men in your area for men like this to still be able to be commitment-phobics?

 

 

Ask him out on a second date. If he keeps being cold and distant during the date, just delete his number and forget about him. There's lots of guys out there in the world, there is no need for you to be chasing after a guy who thinks he's Brad Pitt.

[annalilian26]

You had a great time. He didn't. He's not back on the apps because you gave him an ego boost. He is back on the apps because you weren't what is was looking for. It doesn't make you bad or wrong. It just means you & him are not destined for happily ever after.

 

You did everything right, including the thank you note & waiting a few days before sending a follow up text regarding something you discussed. You expressed interest without being clingy or inappropriate. He didn't respond. That silence is all you need to know; he's not interested.

 

I know you think he's gonna pop back up but I don't think so. If he does come 'round after 2 weeks that would be a clear signal that he's settling for you because nobody better is out there. Do you really want to be his 2nd or 3rd choice?

Thanks for your message and honesty. It's not a good feeling at all, but I think you're right and not really sure what he is looking for.

 

Hypothetically if he does happen to get in touch, what sort of response would be appropriate? I was thinking something along the lines of "I'll admit from the communication after meeting I got the impression that you lost interest, so I'm not too sure how I feel about meeting at this stage'. Would this be ok? I'm not good with these things!

[Andy_K]

hmm, so this guy is physically unattractive and he's still looking to play the field?

 

Where do you get that he's looking to play the field? Is he not allowed to just not be particularly interested in her?

[Redhead14]

"If he were to response, say in a week or two weeks from now,"

 

I would ignore him. In fact, I would likely have forgotten all about him by then.

 

"what should I communicate to him without sounding bitter or desperate?"

 

The trick would be to actually not be bitter or desperate which would require you to forget about him and not be thinking about him constantly.

 

Besides all that, he told you he was on Bumble because he had "break up blues" (which means he's not over a previous relationship yet) and you told him you didn't want a casual dating scenario. It's unlikely he will come back around to you because he's suddenly over his "blues" in a couple of weeks or that his goals will have changed. Your goals should not change either. Don't settle for a guy who more or less told you he wants hook ups, heard what you said about your dating preference and may have respectfully backed off but may come back around to see if you've become desperate enough to compromise your dating goal and waiting around for him.

 

However, if he does respond eventually, and you still want to talk to him, go ahead. Listen carefully to what he has to say and go from there.

[salparadise]

It seems to me that you're expecting him to act like you're in a relationship when it was just one date. You're contemplating whether to give up on him because he's gone a few days without messaging. There would be nothing inherently wrong with him waiting a week and then asking for a second date. You are in the wait and see how it goes phase. Don't make assumptions as to what he's thinking or what may or may not happen.

 

Obviously he's not pursuing like you're the last woman on the planet. Maybe he's playing it cool and taking his time, or maybe he's a guy with options and is going out a few others. You could do the same without it having to mean one thing or another.

 

I think this is yet another example of how women tend to expect that they get to decide whether to accept or reject, and the man will always be keen to pursue. This may be true a lot of the time, but not all of the time.

[manfrombelow2]

Keeping silent is a universal language showing that a person wants to stop communicating / being / involving with us without having to say it outloud.

 

And the fact that he wants to stop communicating with OP doesn't make him a bad person. In life, we have accept that some people aren't meant to be with us no matter how nice we are to them (or how nice we think we are to them.)

[d0nnivain]

If he pops back up in a week to 10 days, I'd say nothing & go on the date with him if you want to. I feel the modern trend of 24/7 instance communication & acting like a few dates with a new person equals the same level of commitment as several years of dating to be smothering so I'm OK with longer time frames then most.

 

Past that unless he gives you a real excuse like I got hit by a car, had the flu, my mother died etc., I'd simply decline without further explanation.

[annalilian26]

It seems to me that you're expecting him to act like you're in a relationship when it was just one date. You're contemplating whether to give up on him because he's gone a few days without messaging. There would be nothing inherently wrong with him waiting a week and then asking for a second date. You are in the wait and see how it goes phase. Don't make assumptions as to what he's thinking or what may or may not happen.

 

Obviously he's not pursuing like you're the last woman on the planet. Maybe he's playing it cool and taking his time, or maybe he's a guy with options and is going out a few others. You could do the same without it having to mean one thing or another.

 

I think this is yet another example of how women tend to expect that they get to decide whether to accept or reject, and the man will always be keen to pursue. This may be true a lot of the time, but not all of the time.

Yes, My older brother pretty much said the same thing as you. I'm more than happy to pursue as well, but feel uncomfortable doing it further when it isn't fully reciprocated.

 

When I think about it, there have been guys I have gone on dates with and I wasn't 100 percent feeling it and they texted me 5days-1 week later eagerly wanting to see me again. In this time the days flew by fast and I thought nothing about the time it took to get in touch, so perhaps I am looking into it too much.

[stamatia]

You had a great time. He didn't. He's not back on the apps because you gave him an ego boost. He is back on the apps because you weren't what is was looking for. It doesn't make you bad or wrong. It just means you & him are not destined for happily ever after.

 

They went on 1(!) date, almost no one after one date only deletes the app.

[annalilian26]

If he pops back up in a week to 10 days, I'd say nothing & go on the date with him if you want to. I feel the modern trend of 24/7 instance communication & acting like a few dates with a new person equals the same level of commitment as several years of dating to be smothering so I'm OK with longer time frames then most.

 

Past that unless he gives you a real excuse like I got hit by a car, had the flu, my mother died etc., I'd simply decline without further explanation.

I think that sounds like a good idea. I have a tendency to get a little too carried away with my feelings for people I have started seeing and taken an interest in and I'll admit thatI have smothered previously, so I appreciate your reassurance that I didn't do this in this scenario.

[salparadise]

Past that unless he gives you a real excuse like I got hit by a car, had the flu, my mother died etc., I'd simply decline without further explanation.

 

Because he's not playing by the rules?

[AriesDude]

About 3 days passed without hearing anything from him

 

Yea there's your problem. If he got a kiss out of the date and he still wants to play the "let's make her wait" game(which btw is for before the 1st date, not after it) he is either waiting for you to flood his inbox or moving on to other dates which id rather suggest you do too.

 

Just my opinion though but ive seen it happen so many times and dont see a reason to think otherwise.

[d0nnivain]

Because he's not playing by the rules?

 

Not at all but given the fact that most people reach out within a reasonable time frame after the 1st date to set up a 2nd date, if this man waits for a time longer then the OP find acceptable (which I suggested was more than 2 weeks), in her shoes I'd conclude he was not that interested. I certainly would not start a dialogue over it or expect him to explain his actions & put him on the defensive. I'd just say no thanks.

 

It was one date. How long is she supposed to wait? What if he comes back in 6 months?

 

All I'm saying is she reached out twice now with no response, even though the 2nd message especially gave him an opening to continue the dialogue. The fact that he didn't take the bait tells me he's already fishing in another pond.

 

The only rule is be true to yourself.