AgainstAllOdds1 Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 (edited) I've had three types of dating-ish relationships in my life: 1. Fun/successful (kiss at the end) first date, girl ghosts or texts me that she had a great time but can't continue seeing me for whatever reason (work, distance, little chemistry, etc.) 2. A hookup or two, but that's it. Girl doesn't want to date, or ghosts me in favor of someone else. 3. An ok first date that stretches on for a couple more dates aided by living in close proximity to one another. As you could guess, it never goes far. As someone who has nearly always been relationship-minded, I am disappointed that I have never been in a serious dating relationship. After some thinking, it really comes down to one reason: I've never achieved high, sustainable interest in the eyes of any one woman. I'm not a wreck and consider myself to be a perfectly normal guy. No Channing Tatum, but do work out and stay in shape. I've never had a date or encounter that ended in disaster (bad vibes or argument) My question is, what steps should I be taking while on these dates to increase the chance of higher, sustainable interest? Edited January 11, 2019 by AgainstAllOdds1
GinON Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 What do you think you are doing that causes them to lose interest? Do you talk about your relationship, are you funny and forward? Demure and overly polite? Tell us more about how you meet them, how they leave you. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 Put less stock in any of them until you get to 4-5 dates. Be kind. Be interested in what they are saying. Really listen. Be interesting but not controversial. Don't push too hard. Also date locally.
Author AgainstAllOdds1 Posted January 11, 2019 Author Posted January 11, 2019 (edited) What do you think you are doing that causes them to lose interest? Do you talk about your relationship, are you funny and forward? Demure and overly polite? Tell us more about how you meet them, how they leave you. Well for a first date, there isn't any relationship to talk about, especially if we met online. I'm outgoing and feel I have some wit. While I feel like I can carry a conversation, I tend to shy away from more controversial topics. This is because in the past, I have made what I thought was an innocuous opinion or joke only for there to be outrage. But maybe this is also why things ultimately don't progress. Do I need to create healthy debate on a first date? Put less stock in any of them until you get to 4-5 dates. Be kind. Be interested in what they are saying. Really listen. Be interesting but not controversial. Don't push too hard. Also date locally. The issue is, I'm not getting to the 4th or 5th date. Too often things stall out after the 1st, 2nd or 3rd date. As mentioned in the paragraph above, I feel I am a good conversationalist (dates have told me so), but something isn't sticking. I would never veer into controversial topics like politics or religion, but maybe I am playing it too safe? Edited January 11, 2019 by AgainstAllOdds1
PRW Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 I've had three types of dating-ish relationships in my life: 1. Fun/successful (kiss at the end) first date, girl ghosts or texts me that she had a great time but can't continue seeing me for whatever reason (work, distance, little chemistry, etc.) 2. A hookup or two, but that's it. Girl doesn't want to date, or ghosts me in favor of someone else. 3. An ok first date that stretches on for a couple more dates aided by living in close proximity to one another. As you could guess, it never goes far. These are all three the same thing. The differences between them don't mean anything. Even if I don't specifically know what went wrong with each I am pretty much certain that it is the same problem each time. As someone who has nearly always been relationship-minded, ............. My question is, what steps should I be taking while on these dates to increase the chance of higher, sustainable interest?That is the big hint to me. You are too focused on the result,...a relationship. The right steps to take are to,...just stop taking steps. Your goal should be to just get together with her and have a good time. You are not BF/GF until she brings up the conversation about exclusivity and you both agree to it. Do not be the one that brings that up yourself. Yes, I get push-back from women on that idea, but I am sticking to my guns on that. You wait till she brings it up. She may not be direct and may dance around the issue, so you may have to pull it out of her a bit, but you wait till she begins to bring it up. Do not talk about labels or use "charged" words like relationship, marriage, future children, etc. She needs to feel that you are not about to "latch on" and that she can back out and walk away anytime she wants. In a well balanced situation the exclusivity tends to not hit till around the 2 month mark. The first 1-4 dates should only be once a week with not a lot of chit-chat between the dates. Leave time to "miss" each other and to anticipate when you will see each other,...this will build excitement for the date and you have more to talk about since you did waste all your good subject matter texting/talking on the phone between dates.
PRW Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 Do I need to create healthy debate on a first date?There is no such thing as a healthy debate on a date. It is not a business meeting. The most important thing a woman remembers about a date is not what you looked like, how smart you are, or whether you liked the same food,...it is how she felt at the end of it. Does she feel "fun & happy" or does she feel she has just been defeated in a "friendly" game of chess? You job is to facilitate her going home feeling "fun & happy",...if she doesn't,...you failed. 1
darkmoon Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 read The 3% Man by Coach Corey Wayne, he gets good reviews ... sample advice that struck me "she wants a love story" but the book has numerous chapters, do not miss out ... 1
d0nnivain Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 If you think you are playing it too safe, perhaps that is the problem. Are you flirting with these woman & building sexual desire / arousal in your partners? Remember the brain is the greatest sex organ; you have to get people intrigued & wanting more
preraph Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 I am getting that you are saying controversial things and trying to pass it off as joking. Everyone sees through that and no one likes the "I'm only joking" guy. Also, common sense is you don't discuss politics or religion or sexual past or feminism, or any other controversial topic until you know a person better. You feel you have some wit, but I wonder if it's coming across as bitter cynicism. Just a thought. I haven't heard you. I've just seen this put off people before a few times.
rightondude Posted January 12, 2019 Posted January 12, 2019 you say you're a good conversationalist, but what comprises those conversations? I've found it best to listen, show interest, and keep the girls talking about themselves with little pontificating from my side. 1
PRW Posted January 12, 2019 Posted January 12, 2019 you say you're a good conversationalist, but what comprises those conversations? I've found it best to listen, show interest, and keep the girls talking about themselves with little pontificating from my side.Yes, the woman should be doing most of the talking, the guy should be doing most of the listening. Some guys think they have to impress the girl via whatever they are spending the time talking about. It almost always backfires by either saying something that makes her mad, or the woman knows about the subject than he thinks, so she interprets it as him lying and trying to BS her. I witnessed that once at a party where a guy claimed to be a retired doctor now doing some non-profit work,...not realizing that the woman he was trying to impress worked in the medical industry. She saw through him like tissue paper. She kept it to herself,...but he was "done".
rightondude Posted January 12, 2019 Posted January 12, 2019 (edited) Yes, the woman should be doing most of the talking, the guy should be doing most of the listening. Some guys think they have to impress the girl via whatever they are spending the time talking about. It almost always backfires by either saying something that makes her mad, or the woman knows about the subject than he thinks, so she interprets it as him lying and trying to BS her. I witnessed that once at a party where a guy claimed to be a retired doctor now doing some non-profit work,...not realizing that the woman he was trying to impress worked in the medical industry. She saw through him like tissue paper. She kept it to herself,...but he was "done". I'd wondered why the women I tried the hardest to impress were the least impressed, and the ones I was like whatever with seemed to want me more. What I finally realized was that I'd shared too much, came on too strong, basically just put TOO MUCH out there. Women want to be heard, not advised. They want to catch you, win the prize, not be smothered. They want a man who's doing things, not a man who's talking endlessly about doing things. Does that make sense? Oh if I could only go back and do things the right way with some of them I ran off. Anyway, of course, you answer with the right things when asked a question. Be prepared for that. But to me, things have gone better if I just acted as the interested party, wanting to know more, being there but leaving some mystery, being exciting, providing the fun but not talking about how much fun I was. Y'alls mileage may vary. That's just how it seems to work for me. Edited January 12, 2019 by rightondude 1
chillii Posted January 12, 2019 Posted January 12, 2019 (edited) Yeah but you know what . Back ib the day for me it was usually the chick l knew damn well wasn't really my type or she had some edge l knew second one l didn't even like anyway. But she might've had all this other stuff l did like, or worst of all a body l just had to have ,,,,, funny how the real b2222222tches , often have the hottest body you ever saw, probably how they can afford to be that way yeah l know. But anyway , all of the above were always the type l tried too hard with or it was just plain uncomfortable or whatever. Moral being , my true type of girl l never even had that problem with because we we much better suited and so just comfortable with each other. Back to op haha. Op one word stood out , stalled. ln my book that simply means you weren't even suited in the first place anyway so once all the bullshyt, monkey tricks and formality dating treats are over with, there's just nothing left between you to even carry on with anyway. Your wasting time on chicks that really , you had nothing with in the first place anyway. Believe me any real potential as a relationship if that's what your after, won't stall, lf it's real it never runs out. only months or years later if you find out it maybe wasn't as real as you hoped. However, if it's just some fun your after then keep on keepin at it learn along the way and good luck. Edited January 12, 2019 by chillii
Gretchen12 Posted January 12, 2019 Posted January 12, 2019 If you're online dating, could it be the women you're picking were never ready to be in a relationship? So it didn't matter what you did on the date. She just does OLD "recreationally". Maybe you try different types?
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