Dating someone who just got out of a long term relationship. **UPDATED**

[allofme]

I’ve been dating this guy for just 4 weeks. We’re just having fun. Getting to know each other. Having lots of great sex. We’ve not talked about anything serious. However, I actually feel more comfortable this way. He makes me smile, makes me feel pretty, and has told me that he’d love to have someone like me as his gf. As an avoidant myself, I’m enjoying our time together because he’s not too full on (even though his compliments could sometimes trigger me and makes me want to withdraw).

 

Curiosity gets to the best of me and I stalked his social media. Found out that he might have just broken up with his ex (of maybe 7 years?) three months before we met each other. He doesn’t have the normal behaviour that would’ve made me think he was in a rebound. He doesn’t talk about his ex, maybe mentioned her once or twice only because I mentioned mine. he’s not full on or needy. We keep a good distance from each other while having short convos via texts to stay connected everyday and meeting up every week. He doesn’t promise the world. He doesn’t rush into anything. At the same time we flirt and have great chemistry. It’s just a pace that I actually feel comfortable with. However, I’m just very cautious of getting into any drama and getting myself hurt.

 

It’s a strange feeling. I’ve been single for 3 and a half years now, after one abusive relationship. The beginning of 2018, I had one failed attempt to turn an exclusive dating into official with someone I felt really hard for. And I still feel a bit hurt by the end of that “relationship”. I still talk to that guy once in a while which probably doesn’t help even though I have no romantic feelings left for him.

 

Deep down I do want a loving and fulfilling relationship with someone. At the same time, I’m terrified. I really like this guy I’m seeing but I find myself keep finding excuses that this might not work. His possibly having got out of a LTR recently is one. I actually somewhat feel more comfortable with this cos I somehow feel that if he IS just out of a LTR, I don’t need to get close to him and he likely won’t feel 100% about me.

 

I don’t think I should ask him about his ex. I feel that I should just enjoy it for what it is for now without bringing up any talk for the next few months, if we last that long. I’m not sure if me being avoidant and emotionally unavailable like this would eventually sabotage this. At this stage, I just have this strong urge to protect myself. And I feel like withdrawing if he rushes into anything. At the moment he hasn’t so it’s all good.

 

I don’t know how I should approach this. Everyone tells me I don’t gain anything without taking a risk. I’m not sure if I am atm.

Edited January 11, 2019 by allofme

[edgygirl]

Have you worked at all on your avoidant attachment style in the past? (therapy, self-help?)

 

I ask because I just found out I'm probably fearful avoidant and realizing it has sabotaged 95% of my past relationships. I don't intend to stay in this state of things and have push-pull relationships forever. It's too distressing.

 

I believe you know you have to strive to become a secure attached person? This way you won't be having these feelings and feeling grateful that you might be dating an emotionally unavailable man who won't trigger your fears and make you run away.

[allofme]

Hi Edgygirl,

 

I’m fearful avoidant too!! Yes I have done some self help. I think I’m getting better even though my progress is slow.

 

I’ve been told to give this one a go and not assume he is of ill intention or that he is no good for me from the get go (when so far, I have not seen a red flag yet). I’ve been told to not think negatively and take a risk with this guy. I’m trying. It’s hard. I just keep finding excuses because, it’s soooo easy!! Especially when they’re likely just out of a relationship! It’s the perfect excuse!

 

I’m not sure how I should treat dating with this guy basically.

Edited January 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[SophieG]

I was out of a relationship for 6 weeks before I met my actual bf. It first I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but after the first date, I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep it casual with him. We clicked right away, it was easy and effortless.

We’ve been together 6 months and it’s still great. Will it last?! No idea... nobody knows, but we are talking about eventually moving in.

[edgygirl]

Oh hi, fellow FA (I haven't been properly diagnosed but it all fits together)

 

What are you trying to accomplish by talking about the ex and the possible rebounder situation? Do you want a relationship with him?

 

He might be a rebounder, he might not. I don't think that's the main issue here. You know what will happen if you discuss the ex. It will lead to relationship discussion... are you prepared to talk about that? It will trigger you, and your fear. Are you prepared to be open about what you want? Do you even know what you want?

 

I am not saying don't talk, I am just saying at some point people like us have to start being able to communicate our real needs.... what are your needs? I feel deep down you might want a relationship with him at least in the future but as you know your ways you are terrified of touching that pandora's box and change the current status quo which feels comfy.

[GinON]

Just an average attachment style enthusiast's opinion:

 

You gotta work on the attachment style consistently if you want to get better at relationships. In this case enjoy the good feelings but realize that if you pull away, you are pulling away to protect yourself from yourself! You fabricate the danger you are feeling and your current enjoyment is whats triggering you, not his behavior. IF things don't go well in the long run and you get hurt, that is OK, just grieve deeply when it happens! For now allow yourself to enjoy, knowing and accepting that its a little scary, but worth it! Tell yourself (and that little kid inside that got traumatized) that you deserve to feel good and close to someone and that its OK to be nervous. Do it in a mirror, over an over again for several weeks, or months.

[allofme]

<snip>

What are you trying to accomplish by talking about the ex and the possible rebounder situation? Do you want a relationship with him?

 

He might be a rebounder, he might not. I don't think that's the main issue here. You know what will happen if you discuss the ex. It will lead to relationship discussion... are you prepared to talk about that? It will trigger you, and your fear. Are you prepared to be open about what you want? Do you even know what you want?

<snip>.

 

 

Omg you read my mind!!

 

Yes I really wanna know what happened between him and his ex but I’m terrified it’d turn into some serious conversation! I’m not ready. In my mind I just know I have a trillion reasons why!!

 

I’m taking baby steps now. I’m not even used to communicate how I feel about someone when I first met them. Now after he’s told me he likes me and wanna keeps seeing me, I said the same thing back. I’ve said I miss you to him once without him initiating anything. I’m very very slowly trying to open up. However, in my mind, I know there is a line. If I cross over this line, I’d get hurt.

 

Situation like mine is truly comfy for FAs like us!! It leaves room for more but not so much that we feel suffocated!

Edited January 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[allofme]

Just an average attachment style enthusiast's opinion:

 

You gotta work on the attachment style consistently if you want to get better at relationships. In this case enjoy the good feelings but realize that if you pull away, you are pulling away to protect yourself from yourself! You fabricate the danger you are feeling and your current enjoyment is whats triggering you, not his behavior. IF things don't go well in the long run and you get hurt, that is OK, just grieve deeply when it happens! For now allow yourself to enjoy, knowing and accepting that its a little scary, but worth it! Tell yourself (and that little kid inside that got traumatized) that you deserve to feel good and close to someone and that its OK to be nervous. Do it in a mirror, over an over again for several weeks, or months.

 

I don’t know how to actually open up and see where this is going without being not too attached? If it turns out he IS rebounding, I don’t wanna get myself in a situation where I’m crying over this for months. I know it’s a risk. I know I need to take a risk but it’s not in my bones to take this risk I guess this is something I can learn? I feel that I’ve long been doing the exercise of telling myself something is wrong wrong wrong when I have no conclusive evidence or even when my gut is saying no it’s right! How is it possible?

 

I put it on my calendar no negativity until next Tuesday. Well that didn’t go down well.

[edgygirl]

I agree 100% with GinON. Read on Fear of Intimacy. We ourselves fabricate the dangers we feel. It's terrifying. It's the hurt traumatized child speaking and it's an automatic parasympathetic emotional reaction. Don't believe it. Learn to fight these emotional thoughts as they don't correspond with reality. It's a defense mechanism that in the end sabotages our relationships.

 

Learn mechanisms to fight these thoughts, self soothe when they come. Regroup later with your thoughts and try to believe what your rational side is telling you. If it feels too strong, it's prob the emotional reaction and it's not to be trusted. It undermines you. I was reading about the "inner critic" concept and how it tries to self sabotage. Look it up.

 

I think the only way for people like us to heal is trying to trust people. Communicate your needs in a clear way without fear that he will abandon you if you do. If he does abandon you, it was not supposed to be.

 

I know what you mean by being hurt months post breakup, it's also a sign of being insecurely attached. Secure people move on fast when they understand it was not a good match.

 

There are good videos on youtube on attachment theory. And good articles online. Start by understanding how our thought process works due to childhood damage, it helps to start fighting these inner negative emotions.

 

I don’t know how to actually open up and see where this is going without being not too attached? If it turns out he IS rebounding, I don’t wanna get myself in a situation where I’m crying over this for months. I know it’s a risk. I know I need to take a risk but it’s not in my bones to take this risk I guess this is something I can learn? I feel that I’ve long been doing the exercise of telling myself something is wrong wrong wrong when I have no conclusive evidence or even when my gut is saying no it’s right! How is it possible?

 

I put it on my calendar no negativity until next Tuesday. Well that didn’t go down well.

[elaine567]

Curiosity gets to the best of me and I stalked his social media. Found out that he might have just broken up with his ex (of maybe 7 years?) three months before we met each other.

Did he dump her or did she dump him?

[allofme]

Did he dump her or did she dump him?

 

I seriously have no idea but I’m leaning towards he dumped her or it could be a mutual break up because she was approaching that age where she feels she needs to have babies and settle down whereas he doesn’t want to and feel pushed. I don’t have a problem with the settling down thing if it’s the case.

 

He just doesn’t come across as someone who just got out of a relationship as how relaxed and happy he seems. He came across to me as someone who has been single for a while so I was surprised to find out he had a gf for that long.

[allofme]

I agree 100% with GinON. Read on Fear of Intimacy. We ourselves fabricate the dangers we feel. It's terrifying. It's the hurt traumatized child speaking and it's an automatic parasympathetic emotional reaction. Don't believe it. Learn to fight these emotional thoughts as they don't correspond with reality. It's a defense mechanism that in the end sabotages our relationships.

 

<SNIP>

 

Yeah 7 months later after a 3-month exclusive dating, still feel hurt when I think about it, even though I’m not thinking about the guy anymore.

 

Thank you so much for your advice! Will definitely read this multiple times and make sure I remember them.

 

How do you differentiate real red flags and just the silly things you inner traumatised child tells you? To me, the situation in my original post just screams a red flag to me. In fact all of the things I listed scream red flags to me so i really can’t tell

Edited January 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[allofme]

The breakup was more recent than I thought. Recent enough that she still has things uncollected from his place (they had a lease together). He doesn’t seem to talk about it too much so I didn’t ask anything. Again he doesn’t look like someone who’s going through a breakup. She seems upset and is eager to move on. Again, I don’t know who broke up with who. I felt that it wasn’t my place to ask and I don’t want too much info.

 

I feel like I’ve been through enough pain in my previous relationships that I feel kinda numb about this. My friends ask me to roll with it. If I don’t, I might regret it later down the road not knowing what could’ve happened. I went from really liking this guy and hoping something good could happen to asking myself if this would get too complicated and I don’t wanna be the source of this girl’s pain (am I?). I don’t even know if they broke up because he met me or if it was a broken relationship anyways. I couldn’t stop looking at the ex’s social media and thinking what a lovely girl she must be in real life. All of these triggers my avoidant attachment issues. Basically this feels like me torturing myself than anything.

 

I just don’t know what kinda attitude I should have approaching dating him.

Edited January 14, 2019 by allofme

[elaine567]

You are coasting into trouble...

[smackie9]

These emotions are telling you something...you shouldn't be with him.