I want to go to couseling husband doesn't

[cherrysoduh]

Hi, my husband and I have been married 4 years. We have had our shares of screaming matches, and lack of respecful communication. We have been seperated for 3 weeks, and we have a beautiful 8 month old daughter. I want him to come home but he says he is already looking for his own place. The issue is I want to go to counseling, but he says that if it needs couseling than its broke and can't be fixed. Has anyone else had a spouse who didn't want to go to couseling. I am still going to go to our session this week without him to get some imput from her. I was wondering if she will try and make contact with him or anything? I am really hurt and confused I feel that if he really loved me he would do anything including counseling? any thoughts suggestion, help??? Thanks

[Zetter]

I was in the same kinda situation, and what I can tell you is that you can't force someone to go that doesn't want to go. Give him his space and see if he comes around. counselling if for 2 people that want to work on something, and if he doesn't want to work on something right now, it isn't the end of the world. He may come around, he may not. but you should definitely go by yourself, and see if he will go to see someone with out you.

[Moose]

he says he is already looking for his own place. / he says that if it needs couseling than its broke and can't be fixed.

This guy isn't trying, and doesn't sound to me as if he's interested in trying.

 

Even if he does, it sounds to me you'll have to do a lot of bending to conform with his stubborness.

 

I don't know if you're strong enough to do this, but it soundl like it's time for some reverse Physcology.

 

Call him up, and tell him you're fine with him finding his own place, and you don't care if he goes to counceling or not. You'll work out visitation with his Daughter after you've spoken with your divorce lawyer.

 

After he picks up his jaw and asks if you're really going to divorce him, just explain to him that since he's not willing to work things out, you give up and he wins.

 

Later gator......................

[cherrysoduh]

Thanks for the advice guys, I was going to try the reverse psych thing on him b/c I read that several places online. But you are right he isn't trying and it takes two people to try

[cherrysoduh]

well i called him at work and he said he was coming to pick up some of his stuff and the dog this weekend. I told him just to let me know what day b/c I have plans saturday night and I wanted to be there when he got there. So he wanted to know what I was doing, and I just told him oh nothing just girls night out. I then told him that I didn't care if he came home and that i just wanted it all over in done with(while almost in tears), and then I hung up I couldn't get any farther than that. So know I guess I just sit it out and wait and see what happens right? Gosh I'm such a dork, but this really makes me feel better to talk about it even if its too people I don't know.

[Ladyjane14]

Why exactly did you two separate three weeks ago? You said that your communications with one another were often "disrespectful" and that there were frequent "screaming matches", but was there any specific incident that preceeded the separation?

 

Often, when a young man leaves his wife and infant child, it is because he is feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of his responsibilities. He sometimes feels incompetent and unequal to the task.

 

Most of the time, he acts out as one who is dissatisfied in a generalized way, because he doesn't realize that the "tied down" feeling that he is experiencing is due to his own insecurities.

 

Unfortunately as often as not, a young man like that will have evaded the work of mentally processing all that by distracting himself with something a bit more tangible.....like another woman.

 

A young woman, with an infant child, can be experiencing her own crisis in the shifting of her priorities. Taking care of a baby is a full-time job. Afterall, babies can't take care of themselves.

 

The fundimental demands of an infant are time-consuming and at times exhausting. And while it's emotionally rewarding, it doesn't leave a whole lot of extra time and energy to spend on yourself....let alone a grown man who ought to be helping rather than hindering.

 

You see the possibilities for mutual resentment.

 

Anyway, in answer to you original question, "has anyone else had a spouse who didn't want to go to couseling?" Mine didn't go with me initially either. It wasn't until I had seen a lawyer and told him that I wanted a divorce that he was willing to go.

 

My suggestion to you would be to stay strong while you call him into accountability. But also, to be soft enough that he feels free to open up and talk to you.

 

Plan A..... Be sweet, be attractive, but also....be firm in your boundaries. Be available for listening to his side, without giving in to the need to defend your own. Don't play games. Don't lash out. You want to show him Serenity. You wan't him to see YOU as an attractive alternative to the uncertainty of the future.

 

And if you don't know why he left. You need to find out. You can't fight what you can't see.

[Moose]

LJ, Great post. I guess I left mine in a negative way. My idea is designed to bring him home. Not push him away. So I apologize to the OP if it came off as tell him off and be done.

 

LJ described to a tee what a young man and woman with an infant child goes through emotionally, and physically. Brought back a lot of memories.

 

But when I was faced with losing my wife forever, that's when I bucked up and started flying straight.

 

I really hope things turn out for you......

[cherrysoduh]

The last month and a 1/2 have been really stressful for us. He works 8-5 Monday through Friday and I work 130 PM to 1030 pm and he doesn't feel like we spend enough time together. To top it off I just started going back to school so it put even more stress on our already hurting relationship. He has been staying home with our daughter at night for the last 6 months and I know he feels underappreciated. He wants be to go to a day shift which I have refused up until now.

 

From what he tells me he thinks that the only reason I am with him is b/c I do not what to move back in with my parents. And he thinks that is the only reason I want him to come home. He also says he thinks I am planning on leaving him after I finish school. Which is totally stupid. He said that he loves me and he wants it to work but he doesn't think either one of us will ever change anything.

 

I know that I have not shown enough apprecition towards him. When I see him with our daughter I think to myself he is such a great dad. But I never tell him. I know he can't read my mind....LOL. I made an appt for marriage counseling for this week and I gave him the date, time and place and told him I would like for him to come. He says he doesn't believe in Psychology and it would just mess with his head. I tried to explain it would teach us better communication skills and how to deal with outside stressors better.

 

That is pretty much the short of it. I appreciate your advice, it helps to know that someone else out there wanted to do counseling when the other didn't. I just hope he will come to his senses.

[Ladyjane14]

My idea is designed to bring him home. Not push him away.

I totally got that. And you're right. It wasn't until my husband realized that he was going to lose me; it wasn't until he knew it was true....that he was willing to meet me halfway again.

 

But when I was faced with losing my wife forever, that's when I bucked up and started flying straight.

Like my own husband, it was the same for you, Moose. It'll be the same for this young man too. Inevitably, if he doesn't step up to the plate....he'll lose his young family. Cherrysodah's challenge is to make "the plate" a safe and attractive choice.

[b52srock]

I would like to know how the whole idea of counselling being wrong started for men.

 

I had a situation where I begged the ex to go to counselling with me years ago. He flatly refused. He had had a friend actually sign himself into an intense counselling program after his wife left him, and my ex saw that as such a waste. His comment was "why doesn't he just talk to his friends?", not understanding that in a divorce situation there are things you simply can't talk to your friends about. I commended his friend for having the guts to know he needed help, and my ex just saw it as ridiculous.

 

When my ex left us I begged him again to go. This time he agreed, went twice, and then had every excuse in the book not to go again. My gut feeling is that he didn't like what the counsellor was telling him...that he was being selfish, immature, and his affair was totally wrong.

 

Anyway, didn't mean to thread jack here, but I'd really like to know why men are so against counselling.

 

And cherry....keep your head up! Take the advice of those here, (especially LadyJane!) and be sweet and willing for him if you honestly want him back. I made the mistake of being so wrapped up in my pain (and still am) that all I could do was lash out at him for the things he's done and continues to do. Huge, huge mistake. Now things have been said in anger and frustration that can never be taken back (he's actually told my mother he left me because I'm a bitch). While my situation will never improve and I'll never have the man I love back, you still have a chance if you really want it. Don't give up and best of luck to you.

[cherrysoduh]

HAHAHA I would laugh if my husband said he would talk to his friends. If he talked to his friends it would have been over with along time ago. most of them are all single and only after one thing and it isn't love.

 

About six months ago my husband was talking to his boss who was also a church counsler. His boss gave my husband several ideas and my husband brought them home and told me about them. And they worked. But he won't go see a counsler. I am thinking to my self HELLO that is what T is he is a damn counsler. But I don't think he sees it as that, I think he sees it as his friend giving him advice.

[Ladyjane14]

When my ex left us I begged him again to go. This time he agreed, went twice, and then had every excuse in the book not to go again. My gut feeling is that he didn't like what the counsellor was telling him...that he was being selfish, immature, and his affair was totally wrong.

 

B52 brings up an excellent point here. If you have to drag him by his ear to the appointment....then he's not ready. He won't be receptive to anything he hears there. He'll find fault with it all.

 

He's already telling you his problems:

 

1. He doesn't feel like he's being heard in the relationship. (So, he doesn't feel important.)

 

2. He wants you to spend more time with him. (Because he doesn't feel important.)

 

I think that your best bet is to invite him to the appointment. But to NOT apply any pressure that he go to it himself. In fact, you should consider providing him with an Out.

 

Tell him that you've realized that you made mistakes. Tell him that you understand that you weren't prioritizing his feelings enough, and that you weren't allowing him to be heard. Apologize for it. He needs to know that you're sorry for not listening.

 

Tell him that you're going to work with the counselor in order to learn how to be a better partner. Assure him that he's welcome to join you, but that you are not harboring ill-will if he's uncomfortable with going.

 

That's going to take ALL the hot-air out of his balloon....even if initially he spouts back at you for awhile.

 

Then, go and do it. There's room for improvement on your side of the relationship. This is all that's within the realm of your control anyway. When he observes you making changes, he'll put more credence into your words, because he'll have seen ACTIONS.

 

Find creative ways to manage your time....so that BOTH of your needs are addressed. In true partnership....his needs are just as valid as your own. And vice versa. Treat them that way...as high in priority as anything that you wish for in your life. Even when his needs seems to be nonsensical to you...they are IMPORTANT to him. Recognize them, and then take action, just as you would wish him to do for you.

 

He will not always do a good job of reciprocating, but then neither will you. It's imperfect science at best. But the point is that you always try, and that you take control of your side of the relationship and maintain personal responsibility in it.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm so sorry, hon. You've had alot of pain to deal with, and it doesn't seem to be getting too much better for you yet.

 

I can't remember...but have you had a depression screening? A loss like that can throw you into quite a tail-spin. So if you haven't talked with your doctor about depression...then it's something you might want to consider.

 

You need to be treating yourself to a little TLC right now. You need to eat right, get enough exercise, and pamper yourself a little too.

 

The only other suggestion that I can think of for you is to MAKE yourself get out into the world a bit. Maybe make a move to another city. Maybe take up a brand new hobby. Whatever it takes to get your focus off of the demise of the marriage...and on to something new and exciting for YOU.

 

If nothing else, maybe a course in something interesting or useful at the community college. It could be ANYTHING from flower arranging to auto mechanics, just so long as you're learning something new *AND* meeting some people. All you need is baby-steps here.

 

Don't sit around being lonely. He and his skankosaur are unfazed by sympathy for you. In fact, you become much more interesting when you're well-adjusted, happy, and attractive. That'll drive 'em nuts!

[b52srock]

LadyJane, as always you have wise advice.

 

Yes, the depression has been a big problem. As a matter of fact, I was on an antidepressant for a year, mostly so I could deal with all of this without completely losing control. Not a good thing to be a bawling lump in front of your kids, you know?

 

I have gone off of the medication the last couple of weeks, though. I found that I was having these bursts of anger that were not normal for me. I decided that I could control my crying in front of the kids, saving for alone time, but I didn't want to be a witch to everyone around me. I chose the lesser of two evils!

 

Things aren't getting any better for me. Well, some days its OK, but then I'll have 3-4 days in a row where I just can't deal. In some ways, the being alone is a "high road" thing for me. I figure my kids have enough to deal with spending weekends with the sperm donor and his wench. Hell, he's even taken to having her sleep at the house (that used to be mine) while the kids are there! The last thing they need is to think their mother is anything less than 100% there for them. And a moral example is definitely needed right now!

[Ladyjane14]

Did you go off the AD's all at once, or did you wean off? If you stopped them on your own, you could be dealing with some adverse effects.

 

If you're having 3-4 days at a time when you're feeling bad, and things don't seem to be getting better....maybe it's time to talk to the doctor again. (????)