GoreSP Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 Hmm. I’m the kind of person who pampers and does everything to please the other person when I’m in a relationship. It’s hard to tell if she is truly going overboard for fear of losing you or if she it’s just the kind of person she is... Personally if I was with a guy who told me straight up I was doing too much for him and it made him feel pressured to do the same, I’d feel like the dude won’t step up his game. I’ve been in too many one sided relationships and it always the same. They are appreciative at first, will do one or two nice things but then they sit back and stop reciprocating and I have an man-child rather than a boyfriend. Instead of having a talk with her, try to orient things towards her and what she wants to do, step up your game and do nice things for her like she does you. Now this advice obviously applies if she happens to be a giver. If she is passive-aggressively keeping tabs on everything she is doing for you, then there isn’t much I can say about it...
preraph Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 One of the dangers in a partner doing too much and going overboard is that the relationship turns into more of a parent/child relationship, which causes all kinds of problems, not the least of which is sexual turnoff.
Author ChasingAround Posted January 11, 2019 Author Posted January 11, 2019 Of course I could be one of those "You should be glad that you have someone who is being so nice to you". But I totally understand. From what you are saying, she is trying way too hard. You can see right through that, and that is part of what is bothering about this. But this could have a lot to do with what she has went through. Yeah exactly!! Exactly!! But I do get that she's been through so much. I'm so sympathetic to that! Like if it wasnt her, and I didn't know how much she's had to deal with in such a relatively short time frame then I think I'd probably find that element of our relationship more challenging. I do find it challenging in the sense I just feel like I'm out of ideas of what to do, but at the same time, like I'm absolutely committed to her and us. I want to stick with her and make what we have work. But that doesn't mean that its't tough sometimes y'know... I agree with the bolded but this is something deep within her that only she can fix and she most likely needs some professional help to do so. Real life isn't a romantic movie where a person just needs to find true love and all their inner demons magically disappear. The OP has already stated that he is a good and attentive boyfriend. OP I can totally relate to why this is difficult and smothering for you. The girl is not being her authentic herself. I'm sure she is a very kind and caring person at her core but it's not normal to subjugate oneself solely to pleasing another person. The person who does that is not being their true self. You can't have a real authentic relationship with someone who is not being real. I totally understand and I get why this is a problem for you. The people who are trying to compare this to being a good hostess or trying to make this about something you are doing are not fully understanding the situation. Thank you!!! It's good to hear that, I feel like its so hard to explain. But I do feel that like by giving so much and trying so hard shes unintentionally keeping a distance between up. Like love is messy, and unperfect, and real, and by giving me what she thinks I want instead of the real her, like, its almost like keeping a wall up. But she doesnt see that. And I dont want to go on at her, or come off like im criticising her, because thats just going to make her feel insecure, and worse. So i think, time will help .......but so far it hasn't 1
Rockett Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 But I do feel that like by giving so much and trying so hard shes unintentionally keeping a distance between up. Like love is messy, and unperfect, and real, and by giving me what she thinks I want instead of the real her, like, its almost like keeping a wall up. But she doesnt see that. And I dont want to go on at her, or come off like im criticising her, because thats just going to make her feel insecure, and worse. So i think, time will help .......but so far it hasn't I have to laugh at the "I let her put those stupid face mask things on me." But in seriousness- what about a conversation where you tell her how happy she makes you, and then something like "I just want to make sure I'm making you happy... is there anything else I could be doing?" I think that would be a sweet way to let her know how much you appreciate her, but at the same time address your worries about why she's doubling down on the doting behavior. I tried the "perfect gf" thing in my 20s. It was more about my fear of losing the guy (not that this had any bearing on how things turned out, we were together for a while), so be aware that her behavior is more likely to do with how she feels about herself and relationships, rather than about you or anything you are/aren't doing. I would have been very hurt if my bf said I was doing "too much" and that he wanted me to be more "real." But I DO understand where you're coming from- dating in my 30s, I've been turned off by guys who try to be perfect, because I know life isn't like that. That'll make me feel like I have to be perfect, and that isn't sustainable. I understand you want the calm and comfort, and intimacy of you both being yourselves around each other. Things are always changing, and I'd be surprised if she was doing this to this high of a degree six months or a year from now. All you can do is love and support her, as she is, while she figures herself out. It sounds like you're already doing a great job at this. But you also should share your thoughts with her about what you raise here. It sounds like you both love each other, and good communication will help maintain the relationship. 1
Kitty Tantrum Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 I'm a bit like this. ... okay, I'm a lot like this. Partly it's my personality. I love to serve the people I love. Partly it's fear. I don't have any actual rational fears that my fiancé is going to cheat on me or leave me or mistreat me in any way. I've never felt safer or more secure with anyone. But there IS still a little part of me that is driven by my past experiences and baggage to "do even better this time!!" because of the way I've been treated by others in my past - primarily my ex-husband. I've definitely internalized, to some degree, the idea that there's something wrong with me that I need to compensate for. But mostly it's appreciation. And awe. My fiancé treats me better than anybody ever has, by a wide margin. It's not that I necessarily feel like I HAVE to dote on him more or serve him "better" than my exes in order to keep him... it's like, how could I NOT? We've been together for three years, and I still sometimes break down crying when I really stop and think about how much he does for me and how gentle and kind and patient he is with me. It's such a contrast. It's such a relief. I feel like he deserves to be treated like a king - or a god! Yes, there is a little insecurity and fear in there, and I know my fiancé can sense that at times. He has told me that I don't have to do so much for him. But I love that he doesn't insist on it. I love that he is able to enjoy and appreciate it even though he doesn't necessarily expect it. My ex-husband was the sort who would reject my gestures or object to me doting on him like that, sometimes flippantly. In his case I think it was because he didn't want to be expected to reciprocate in any way - which was insulting because I never did it to try to get anything in return. Frankly I can think of nothing more soul-crushing and heartbreaking than being shot down for performing a loving act of service. 1
Shepp Posted January 12, 2019 Posted January 12, 2019 I do understand what your saying, I’m not going to tell you to count yourself lucky. I think her behaviour isn’t healthy But at the same time, god do I feel for this girl! Thing is anything you say that comes off as criticism is probably only going to make your issue worse here! How does she react when you tell her she “shouldn’t have” or whatever?
allansilver Posted January 12, 2019 Posted January 12, 2019 Hey, So here's my issue, right: I love her I do, I just love her sense of humour (and the girl is fire!!). But ever since we've been back together shes been SO doting, like OTT! Like, cooked breakfast in bed every morning, little gifts all the time, super affectionate in bed, etc. She even de-iced my car!! Tough problem to have, right? But It's all the time, It'd be awesome on my birthday, but it's just an average Wednesday or something! She needs quite a bit of reassurance as well, I feel like. She doesn't out and out ask for it, but I can just see it in her. Advice? Yeah, it really sucks, the nicer the girl is, the less there is of the tension to chase. Without this tension the relationship can become dull. We want to chase. We want a challenge. Its inherent. I was trying to force myself to feel strongly about girl A but it wasn't happening: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/674315-she-feels-rejected-why She seemed to have all of the traits I was looking for: pretty, kind, sweet, loyal (I think? don't know her well) and it just fell flat.
Author ChasingAround Posted January 12, 2019 Author Posted January 12, 2019 But in seriousness- what about a conversation where you tell her how happy she makes you, and then something like "I just want to make sure I'm making you happy... is there anything else I could be doing?" Yeah okay, cool, I haven't ever tried wording it like that.. I'll ask her!! I would have been very hurt if my bf said I was doing "too much" and that he wanted me to be more "real." But I DO understand where you're coming from Yeah I get that I do, especially because I know what shes been through. Plus like I was dating this girl only 12 years ago (and I know we were kids then and sooo much has changed) but I know her, and I still so much of the fiery, confident girl she was back then in her now. I understand you want the calm and comfort, and intimacy of you both being yourselves around each other. Things are always changing, and I'd be surprised if she was doing this to this high of a degree six months or a year from now. All you can do is love and support her, as she is, while she figures herself out. It sounds like you're already doing a great job at this. But you also should share your thoughts with her about what you raise here. It sounds like you both love each other, and good communication will help maintain the relationship. Thank you! Yeah, I know times an amazing saviour for most worries. I just want to do everything in my power to, create the kind of environment and relationship that she can feel calm and comfortable in.
Author ChasingAround Posted January 12, 2019 Author Posted January 12, 2019 I've definitely internalized, to some degree, the idea that there's something wrong with me that I need to compensate for. Yeah, I get that vibe sometimes on her and I hate that she'd feel like that, because she deserves the world, she doesnt need to compensate for anything! But mostly it's appreciation. And awe. My fiancé treats me better than anybody ever has, by a wide margin. It's not that I necessarily feel like I HAVE to dote on him more or serve him "better" than my exes in order to keep him... it's like, how could I NOT? We've been together for three years, and I still sometimes break down crying when I really stop and think about how much he does for me and how gentle and kind and patient he is with me. It's such a contrast. It's such a relief. I feel like he deserves to be treated like a king - or a god! I've never really thought about it in that context!! Yes, there is a little insecurity and fear in there, and I know my fiancé can sense that at times. He has told me that I don't have to do so much for him. But I love that he doesn't insist on it. I love that he is able to enjoy and appreciate it even though he doesn't necessarily expect it. .... Frankly I can think of nothing more soul-crushing and heartbreaking than being shot down for performing a loving act of service. Yeah I can understand that.. so try not to knock her back even if shes going a bit over the top.
preraph Posted January 12, 2019 Posted January 12, 2019 Yeah, it really sucks, the nicer the girl is, the less there is of the tension to chase. Without this tension the relationship can become dull. We want to chase. We want a challenge. Its inherent. I was trying to force myself to feel strongly about girl A but it wasn't happening: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/674315-she-feels-rejected-why She seemed to have all of the traits I was looking for: pretty, kind, sweet, loyal (I think? don't know her well) and it just fell flat. Apparently she also likes the chase! I keep telling people some guys who attract women easily like a challenge and not someone throwing themselves at them, but they never believe me. Here's proof. I will say that I doubt very seriously her meeting up with you again was any coincidence, considering how she is now lavishing you with favors. I bet she found out where you were and arranged to be there.
Author ChasingAround Posted January 13, 2019 Author Posted January 13, 2019 Thing is anything you say that comes off as criticism is probably only going to make your issue worse here! How does she react when you tell her she “shouldn’t have” or whatever? Urm, well she doesn't act outwardly hurt. I wouldn't just be like "you should have" though, more like "babe, this is amazing, your amazing, but honestly you don't need to do this" and I'd give her a hug. She doesn't tend to say much, just give me a cuddle or tell me she loves me
preraph Posted January 13, 2019 Posted January 13, 2019 I think you need to make her understand how it makes you feel guilty and obligated and makes you question her judgment.
Author ChasingAround Posted January 15, 2019 Author Posted January 15, 2019 I think you need to make her understand how it makes you feel guilty and obligated and makes you question her judgment. I don't really feel those things though.. It can be a bit 'suffocating', true. But mostly it just makes me feel...concerned for her. It hurts my heart to think that that might come from a place of insecurity
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