preraph Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 I think "being suggestive" can really come off smarmy on a first date. I mean, it's better to do what you said with the arm touch and stuff than to actually be suggestive. It takes a certain type of guy to get away with that. It usually just embarrasses women and puts them on guard. Good you can get dates though. One of these days, maybe one will land.
brigit87 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 OP I don't understand why you're still using Tinder. This is not your place to shine. OLD of any kind isn't working for you. You need to do real life dating. Meet people in real life. Then date them.
edgygirl Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Same here. No demonstration of affection if date is going well = no second date. I wouldn’t go on a second date with someone who treats a date as a business meeting. I like a guy who shows interest in little gestures, like touching arms. I can’t speak for everyone, but as a woman, I’d rather have a guy make physical contact IF the date is going great and there’s an immediate connection. 1
edgygirl Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 (edited) I tend to agree with littleblackheart. While your frustration is understandable, you sound very negative and that's probably showing in your interactions. I remember I had a couple of years after divorce where I was extremely disheartened and frustrated with dating, and I kept getting frustration back. I have now changed my way of thinking, trying to be hopeful and cheerful no matter how frustrated I may be, and the universe gives the same back to me. My dates are working better, people are showing more interest. I am getting better matches. If you've been getting the same response for 15 years, maybe you need to look at your approach to life. Look into practices that enrich life and can help you cope with life's frustrations such as Buddhism or meditation, try to re-wire your brain somehow. You can't get beat down by dates not working cause it's kind of a self fulfilling prophecy - the more you think they won't work, the more they will indeed not work. It's like a endless cycle of frustration. Find a way to cheer up, being full of life and positive is what really makes people attracted to us and brings that elusive chemistry. Something tells me your issue is deeper than acting in a x, y or z manner, or even looking good or not looking good. How many people who don't look that good are coupled? Try to find out how you can become a little more positive, I think it will help you immensely. Hope I didn't offend you. Edited January 10, 2019 by edgygirl
guest569 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Sorry it didn’t go any further I suspect it’s nothing specific but an overall feeling she had (or lack of). I don’t think you should beat yourself up over it.
elaine567 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 OP I don't understand why you're still using Tinder. This is not your place to shine. OLD of any kind isn't working for you. You need to do real life dating. Meet people in real life. Then date them. Trouble is he is a 34 yo quiet shy guy who doesn't do "socialising", no bars or clubs, his work yields no opportunities either, his hobby and social groups are full of older married folk, so where is he is going to meet suitable single women IRL? Nowhere apparently. Hence OLD.
alphamale Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 ZADater, your girl will come along one day. Mark my words. Don't give up
some_username1 Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 Please stop being so self-pitying. Dating is a numbers game. You keep not listening by not changing your mindset, after every date that doesn't work out you do the same thing, log on here, throw your hands in the air and threaten to quit- but you don't and you know you won't and we know you won't, you're just being self pitying and dramatic and you need to get out of that way of thinking. Look at the positives: by my reckoning ypu have had 2 dates in the space of a week, if you can find compatible women that you want to go on a date with so easily then at least you can have reasonable confidence that dating being a numbers game you should eventually succeed. Be happy about that because it's a massive positive. I would kill to have enough compatible women to go on 2 dates a week! My match queue is so 'blah' I can't even be bothered to look at it. If they get past my initial filter (no kids, no tattoos- there ain't many of them post 30 let me tell you) then usually something they say or their style of chat will turn me off. My dating pool is so small it's a not even a pool, it's a small dish with a drop of water in it. But as i said in a previous post, it's my choice so I won't complain, just use me as example that it could be worse. Regular dates will always get you closer to what you are looking for.
Author ZA Dater Posted January 11, 2019 Author Posted January 11, 2019 OP I don't understand why you're still using Tinder. This is not your place to shine. OLD of any kind isn't working for you. You need to do real life dating. Meet people in real life. Then date them. I don't meet anyone single, everyone is taken. Or the people I meet are hippy trace party lover's and those people don't interest me at all.
Author ZA Dater Posted January 11, 2019 Author Posted January 11, 2019 Trouble is he is a 34 yo quiet shy guy who doesn't do "socialising", no bars or clubs, his work yields no opportunities either, his hobby and social groups are full of older married folk, so where is he is going to meet suitable single women IRL? Nowhere apparently. Hence OLD. Exactly this.
Author ZA Dater Posted January 11, 2019 Author Posted January 11, 2019 Trouble is he is a 34 yo quiet shy guy who doesn't do "socialising", no bars or clubs, his work yields no opportunities either, his hobby and social groups are full of older married folk, so where is he is going to meet suitable single women IRL? Nowhere apparently. Hence OLD. Exactly this.
Author ZA Dater Posted January 11, 2019 Author Posted January 11, 2019 Please stop being so self-pitying. Dating is a numbers game. You keep not listening by not changing your mindset, after every date that doesn't work out you do the same thing, log on here, throw your hands in the air and threaten to quit- but you don't and you know you won't and we know you won't, you're just being self pitying and dramatic and you need to get out of that way of thinking. Look at the positives: by my reckoning ypu have had 2 dates in the space of a week, if you can find compatible women that you want to go on a date with so easily then at least you can have reasonable confidence that dating being a numbers game you should eventually succeed. Be happy about that because it's a massive positive. I would kill to have enough compatible women to go on 2 dates a week! My match queue is so 'blah' I can't even be bothered to look at it. If they get past my initial filter (no kids, no tattoos- there ain't many of them post 30 let me tell you) then usually something they say or their style of chat will turn me off. My dating pool is so small it's a not even a pool, it's a small dish with a drop of water in it. But as i said in a previous post, it's my choice so I won't complain, just use me as example that it could be worse. Regular dates will always get you closer to what you are looking for. Here is the problem. Have you had good experiences? I have not had any, so each time I go on these dates I look for that but never ever find it. Yes the one date was fairly good but the problem is the deal killers are things I cannot fix, I cant change those things. Its an immensely irritating thing to go on date after date, really convince people, spend time convincing them to go on a date and what do I get for it, usually a bill for whatever which I don't mind but the same wishy washy chemistry garbage. Why do I sit with that problem well its two things, one being inexperience, the other being that clearly they simply don't want me and the former directly impacts the latter. So yes, each time this happens I loose interest dramatically. The cold cynicism arrives and yes those things make me feel marginally better. Nobody accepts me for me, its like one needs to walk around as a cardboard cut out or read from a song sheet. Is this really worth while? Honestly is it? Because at the moment I am deriving no enjoyment from wasting my time on dates like this. All that happens is I just feel worse about myself and inevitably go back to the "ok I can look but cant buy mantra".
littleblackheart Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 Can you compile a detailed list of all your deal-breakers and all your 'must-haves' in one post, ZA Dater, for your own benefit? It seems you have a very clear vision of what you are looking for (which is totally fine); is it clearly displayed on your online dating profile? The more genuine you are, the more likely you will get matched with a suitable person for you. You may go on much fewer dates, but at least they would be more meaningful. If getting dates with unsuitable people from the off makes you feel that bad about yourself, there really is no need to put yourself through it. Better be super picky from the outset. Honestly, if your only problem is 'lack of chemistry', you're not doing too badly.
some_username1 Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 Here is the problem. Have you had good experiences? I have not had any, so each time I go on these dates I look for that but never ever find it. Yes the one date was fairly good but the problem is the deal killers are things I cannot fix, I cant change those things. Its an immensely irritating thing to go on date after date, really convince people, spend time convincing them to go on a date and what do I get for it, usually a bill for whatever which I don't mind but the same wishy washy chemistry garbage. Why do I sit with that problem well its two things, one being inexperience, the other being that clearly they simply don't want me and the former directly impacts the latter. So yes, each time this happens I loose interest dramatically. The cold cynicism arrives and yes those things make me feel marginally better. Nobody accepts me for me, its like one needs to walk around as a cardboard cut out or read from a song sheet. Is this really worth while? Honestly is it? Because at the moment I am deriving no enjoyment from wasting my time on dates like this. All that happens is I just feel worse about myself and inevitably go back to the "ok I can look but cant buy mantra". I've had awful experiences! My friends say I should write a book...I've had a date offer to give me a lift then reveal that she was heavily over the limit and nearly get us both killed, I've been catfished, I've had a girl reveal on date two she was an alcoholic, another who spent the date telling me about the nasty things she does to people to get revenge...all of them awful yet it helped me refine my approach and get pickier about who I go on dates with. That's the point of the failures- to learn something from. Approx once a year I will meet a woman who actually has what I am looking for, but invariably she has what everyone else is looking for also and she will decide she likes one of the other hordes of men she is seeing and I'll get ghosted after 4 or 5 dates. Despite all that and the odds being heavily against me I am still open to going on dates (although my experiences have made my criteria extremely stringent), have a good attitude about it and treat each one in isolation and see it if nothing else as a chance to learn and improve and get one step forward to meeting a girl where, for once, everything just works. It's massively important to change your mindset and have some optimism that at some point in the future it will all work and see your next date as just a chance to meet someone new. At the same time accept that this is a game you might not win at all. That might even be your main problem- you haven't accepted being single. Because if you have you would be able to laugh the bad dates off easier. Meeting a girl would be a bonus rather than an odyssey you are trapped in. It took me a while to get my head round the idea that wanting someone to complete you is not how it should be, a great man needs no-one to complete himself, his life is either complete as it is or requires fixing within the sphere he can control, his job, or his lifestyle etc. You can't look to another person who has autonomy and freedom of choice to complete your life because you are building on foundations of sand. It's all about mindset and yours is so far off that it is without doubt holding you back in ways that you can't even understand until you experience how liberating it is to change. But look, if I can go on the dates with the people I have, laugh about it and yet still have a good and upbeat attitude about it then surely you can too....
brigit87 Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 Trouble is he is a 34 yo quiet shy guy who doesn't do "socialising", no bars or clubs, his work yields no opportunities either, his hobby and social groups are full of older married folk, so where is he is going to meet suitable single women IRL? Nowhere apparently. Hence OLD. Yeah but that's not working either because ppl are judging OP on his picture and he doesn't like the girls that like him so he gets angry and alters his picture to look much better. So what should he do? Get different hobbies and social groups. Sounds kind of stressful but that's the best idea.
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