ZA Dater Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 This one off Tinder. Conversation leading up to the date was minimal but it was ok. Her, 32yo, recently divorced, no kids and not looking for anything serious. Id describe her as pretty, much better than I usually get on Tinder. Went for drinks and chatted, this time I decided to try be more flirt and suggestive which got me some touching, her hand on my arm. Went for a walk on the beach at sunset, it seemed ok but then "I am sorry there is no chemistry". A fairly recurring theme with me, for the purposes of this I was hoping to maybe try and acquire some experience, she was quite nice, grounded, not a party person by her own admission a little daring but for whatever reason I didn't match up as always. I tried to avoid awkwardness on but sort of seeped into the date and I wonder if this wasn't the issue. Question for everyone, how much more of a beating should I take at this, its very difficult to pick up and find some positive, I mean here was a person not looking for anything serious, it should have been a win but it was just a big loss. I think every other guy would have found some sort of success here. As a parting she said "oh we can go hiking or something" not sure whether that was to make me feel better but I honestly don't see much point in seeing her again. Not sure I can win at this.
manfrombelow2 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Normally, if everything went well all fun and relaxing (as all first dates should), the woman would never said anything like this: I'm sorry but there is no chemistry I guess you did try to bring up the relationship topic, right? If not, could you please give us more context as why did she say that line?
AriesDude Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Yeah dont go hiking or whatever, move on. Getting a "no chemistry" to the chin will always make things awkward no worries. Sounds like you did great man. I would say the fault here lies with her going from "not looking for anything serious" to "no chemistry" She was either A)drunk B)indecisive C)spooked by something you or she said/asked where she didnt like the answer/question which comes down to just being finicky. "How much more of a beating?" yea lots man. If dating was easy this site wouldnt exist. Dont give up man. You stand up and try again. I know it's not easy getting a little attached to someone then cutting off, hurts a little but it will get better... just dont give up and my advice? ffs stop with the negative self loathing man. trust me...it can come through in the way you talk and appear at all times.
Author ZA Dater Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 (edited) <snip> C)spooked by something you or she said/asked where she didnt like the answer/question which comes down to just being finicky. "How much more of a beating?" yea lots man. If dating was easy this site wouldnt exist.<snip> That's the problem I guess. Sorry in 15 years have I got nowhere so a certain degree of "give up" mentality is there. This is the second date this week and I try but nothing comes of it. I didn't do well, if I did the outcome would have been positive. Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
elaine567 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 I mean here was a person not looking for anything serious, it should have been a win but it was just a big loss. I think every other guy would have found some sort of success here. Not looking for anything serious does not equal a sure thing. She will still have her own idea about who she wants to be "not serious" with. I guess she will be looking for more chemistry, more spark than the average date, not less...
manfrombelow2 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 When a person tells us he/she is not looking for anything serious, that should only be interpreted as he/she is not looking for anything serious WITH YOU. I mean here was a person not looking for anything serious
Author ZA Dater Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 Not looking for anything serious does not equal a sure thing. She will still have her own idea about who she wants to be "not serious" with. I guess she will be looking for more chemistry, more spark than the average date, not less... Not sure, complete waste of time really and now I just feel I have accomplished nothing at all but get another kick in the face. I thought it would be easier with someone not looking for a dog and a picket fence, apparently I was wrong. The reality is she can choose, doesn't seem like I can or have enough influence to make people choose me. Unfortunately I think in this instance "no experience" was written across my face which is an absolute no.
AriesDude Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Well I don't think you're dumb. You know where you fooked up sorta speak. Try again and stay away from questions that are too serious man. Wait until the girl mentions something serious before giving your opinion on it and ye that counts for literally just asking "how do you think the date went so far?" Your job on a first date is to make her smile and get her to feel like a princess as much as possible, until she gives you a sign that she wants you to talk about "serious sht" Cynical mentality aside....trust me no one is perfect...you will get millions of chances to be all complainy on the 10th-2000th date. dont rush it.
elaine567 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Went for drinks and chatted, this time I decided to try be more flirt and suggestive which got me some touching, her hand on my arm. Went for a walk on the beach at sunset, it seemed ok but then "I am sorry there is no chemistry". Again a bit of progress... you are gaining experience despite yourself...
Author ZA Dater Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 (edited) Well I don't think you're dumb. You know where you fooked up sorta speak. Try again and stay away from questions that are too serious man.<snip> Thanks, unfortunately I am not a clown from a circus so making people laugh isn't my forte, dry humour is but that's about it. Frankly this whole thing was a looks thing, it always, always seems to be this. I don't get what women want, I might as well do the next date with a book full of pre prepared generic rubbish that they might want to hear. Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
brent878 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 If you're getting this many dates you must be decent looking. Are your photos representative of your real looks? Are you deceiving people? If they're accurate, then it's something you're doing. Don't touch people's arm on a first date -- it's weird. Think of it from the woman's perspective. Women are vulnerable - they don't want someone touching them and pushing on a first date. Even if I like a girl I will act disinterested on a first date. Keep it professional like a business meeting. You just want to meet this person and make sure they're not crazy. Don't push to move it too quickly.
Author ZA Dater Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 Again a bit of progress... you are gaining experience despite yourself... What progress? This was just a rinse and repeat of every date I have been on for the last 15 years, its always the same outcome irrespective of what I say, do or project. They are never interested and when its someone not looking for anything specific I think its the hardest kick to the head of all. Mostly I just don't feel motivated to keep trying. For what, I can got and sit and have breakfast with K and enjoy that more than this even though I wont ultimately get anything out of it.
elaine567 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 ... and when its someone not looking for anything specific I think its the hardest kick to the head of all. That is not what "I am not looking for anything serious" means.
Author ZA Dater Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 If you're getting this many dates you must be decent looking. Are your photos representative of your real looks? Are you deceiving people? If they're accurate, then it's something you're doing. Don't touch people's arm on a first date -- it's weird. Think of it from the woman's perspective. Women are vulnerable - they don't want someone touching them and pushing on a first date. Even if I like a girl I will act disinterested on a first date. Keep it professional like a business meeting. You just want to meet this person and make sure they're not crazy. Don't push to move it too quickly. So which is it? I do this and get told I must not you tell to do it? Which is it, it cannot be both! She touched my arm and not the reverse. I have to work very hard to convince these people do go on a date with me, she was hardly stunning but at least she wasn't some hopelessly out of shape person either. Here photos were not representative of her. Someone please tell me this is ultimately worth it?
Author ZA Dater Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 That is not what "I am not looking for anything serious" means. It means a fling or hook up or FWB.
littleblackheart Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Your negativity is exhausting to read, OP. I can only imagine what it must be like to live it. Please read up on learned helplessness. Even if your actual real life personality is different, you need to break free from that habit of reverting into Mr Doom after every unsuccessful date. You are repeating this cycle all on your own. Out of curiosity, do you sometimes go back and read some of your past threads? Maybe this will help you spot the patterns in your behaviour? 1
Author ZA Dater Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 Your negativity is exhausting to read, OP. I can only imagine what it must be like to live it. Please read up on learned helplessness. Even if your actual real life personality is different, you need to break free from that habit of reverting into Mr Doom after every unsuccessful date. You are repeating this cycle all on your own. Out of curiosity, do you sometimes go back and read some of your past threads? Maybe this will help you spot the patterns in your behaviour? Prey tell what positivity I should derive from this date? Or any of the others? You call it negativity, I call it reality. Probably because everything I try and do in life needs to be measure, there needs to be some "ok its not too bad because this is positive", frankly I never find that with dating ever, people tell me to do things and someone else arrives and tells me to do the opposite, so which is it? Which is correct? Seeing as you apparently have the answers, do tell me what you would do?
littleblackheart Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Prey tell what positivity I should derive from this date? Or any of the others? You call it negativity, I call it reality. Probably because everything I try and do in life needs to be measure, there needs to be some "ok its not too bad because this is positive", frankly I never find that with dating ever, people tell me to do things and someone else arrives and tells me to do the opposite, so which is it? Which is correct? Seeing as you apparently have the answers, do tell me what you would do? Your passive-aggressive tone is a bit offputting, tbh. I don't have the answers, I'm just suggesting to you that maybe reading your past threads can help you see the bigger picture by looking at your own patterns of behaviour so you can break them, that's it.
Author ZA Dater Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 Your passive-aggressive tone is a bit offputting, tbh. I don't have the answers, I'm just suggesting to you that maybe reading your past threads can help you see the bigger picture by looking at your own patterns of behaviour so you can break them, that's it. Not sure what that has to do with dating exactly? The picture is the same as it always is, they don't find me attractive no matter what I do.
littleblackheart Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 (edited) Not sure what that has to do with dating exactly? The picture is the same as it always is, they don't find me attractive no matter what I do. Ok, but dating is you meeting people so you can eventually find a partner (short-term or long-term), no? Reading yourself back could give you some sort of perspective as to your thought-process when you are dating. All of this is part of you, that is one of the 2 people involved in your dating process, and the only one you can actually control. I personally think having a look at your past threads could be beneficial but obviously, this is your call. If you are more comfortable continuing with what is your 'normal', that's fair enough too. Maybe you will find what you want eventually. Edited January 10, 2019 by littleblackheart
SophieG Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Don't touch people's arm on a first date -- it's weird. Think of it from the woman's perspective. Women are vulnerable - they don't want someone touching them and pushing on a first date. Even if I like a girl I will act disinterested on a first date. Keep it professional like a business meeting. You just want to meet this person and make sure they're not crazy. Don't push to move it too quickly. I wouldn’t go on a second date with someone who treats a date as a business meeting. I like a guy who shows interest in little gestures, like touching arms. I can’t speak for everyone, but as a woman, I’d rather have a guy make physical contact IF the date is going great and there’s an immediate connection. 2
elaine567 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 I wouldn’t go on a second date with someone who treats a date as a business meeting. I like a guy who shows interest in little gestures, like touching arms. I can’t speak for everyone, but as a woman, I’d rather have a guy make physical contact IF the date is going great and there’s an immediate connection. Disinterested on first date = no second date. Why would anyone normal want to entertain such a guy?
SophieG Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Disinterested on first date = no second date. Why would anyone normal want to entertain such a guy? No idea! I just wanted to point out to the OP, that touching the arm on the first date is okay, and that I would recommend physical contact if he knows something is there.
BaileyB Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Even if I like a girl I will act disinterested on a first date. Keep it professional like a business meeting. Don't push to move it too quickly. Although I agree that it's important to take things slow and get to know someone before becoming physical, I do not really agree with your other comment that it's good to be disinterested and keep it professional. My first date with my boyfriend was a bit like this, it felt more like a job interview than a date. I didn't want to see him again but my friends encouraged me to give it another try... For the second date, we went for drinks and he was really engaging and really funny. Without that second date, I would have walked away... I'm not sure how you hope to interest a woman, if you are presenting yourself as disinterested and very formal.
stamatia Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 I don't know about other women, but here I'm saying for myself and my closest (girl)friends. Even if we don't want something serious and only want a hookup or FWB or smth in that line we need a chemistry, we need that something. We can go a date with the most gorgeous guy, but if there is absolutely no chemistry, no spark, nothing will happen. I know guys' way of thinking is different
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