My boyfriend wanted to let a past romantic interest stay with him for a weekend.

[effervescence]

I started dating my boyfriend right around the end of spring last year, and there were no red flags raised within the first month that I could perceive. Around the end of the first month, my boyfriend informed me that on an upcoming long weekend in the summer, he was going to have a friend stay with him at his apartment. He told me that this friend is female, and that they had met during a cultural trip, prior to him and I meeting. He was open to me about the fact that he and this woman developed romantic feelings for each other over the course of getting to know each other on the trip. He told me that while he was interested in her and had a desire to pursue a relationship with her, he did not feel that a long distance relationship could work for him (she lives in a different province.) They agreed to remain friends. Her visit was planned before he and I met. My boyfriend has a roommate, but he is often not at home, so chances are, my boyfriend and the female friend would be alone in the house together whenever they were there.

 

To give a timeline of this whole situation, my boyfriend and the female friend met in the beginning of May. The cultural trip they were on lasted about two weeks. My boyfriend and I met at the end of May, and I was informed at the end of June about her upcoming visit. I did voice my discomfort at the thought of them being alone at his place. I was clear about the fact that because this relationship was still so new, and because I was still getting to know him, there wasn’t the fullest level of trust there yet.

 

This is where the red flags began to rise, and I knowingly ignored them. My boyfriend was willing to listen to my concerns. He even reiterated the fact that the feelings for her went away when he decided against pursuing a romantic relationship. But in our conversations about this matter, he never once made the the suggestion that he help find his friend a different place to stay. Or that I even meet her. In his omission of compromise, I felt as if what he was really saying was “I respect your concerns, but this is what I/we want, so we’re still going to go through with it.”

 

I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt, despite the fact that all I was going to receive in this situation was a willingness to be listened to. I have absolutely no issue with a significant other having a close friend of their preferred sex. I myself have male friends that I spend time with one on one, but there are boundaries that we respect because one or both of us are in relationships. For example, we don't have hangouts alone at each other’s places. This is not to say that I don't believe that people in monogamous relationships can't spend time alone at a friend of their preferred sex's place, but this is just a preference of mine. I think the fact that there were romantic feelings involved in the past complicates the situation all the more!

 

The way this situation played out when that long weekend finally came, was that the female friend ended up refusing to stay at his place. He told me that she said she was still hurt, although he didn’t elaborate on what she meant by this, so I can only assume she meant hurt by the fact that he had moved on so quickly. They ended up seeing each other once on her trip, for lunch before she left that day. I don't know if the friend chose not to stay with him purely out of resent for his decision, or if she also respected the fact that he was now in a relationship. Perhaps the "why's" are less important, but as I never met her, I have no gauge for her intentions.

 

I put that incident to rest that day. Whether that was a wise or foolish decision, I’m not sure. My boyfriend has been open with me about the fact that he and his friend maintain a close friendship. He tells me they talk very often, and still Skype each other from time to me. While his openness never fully alleviated my discomfort, I was thankful that he was willing to share about their interactions with me.

 

Yesterday he mentioned that she is coming back to visit in the summer. He told me recently (prior to yesterday) that if she were to ever come back to our city, that he wouldn’t ask nor allow her to stay with him. This did serve as some solace to me. For a while, I really did think that things had truly settled to merely being platonic between them. Then he dropped a comment that he kind of chuckled at, but it made my heart drop a bit. “She told me to grow my hair out for when she visits. She wants to see it long, or in a bun.”

 

I don’t know if I’m reading too deeply into that comment. It seems innocuous. But in my experience, I’ve never told a friend of the opposite sex to do something about their appearance that would be appealing to me. Perhaps I’ve made suggestions like that to boyfriends or guys I’m interested in, but never to a friend. To me, that comment borders on flirtation. I also wanted to ask if and when I could meet her, but I decided to switch the conversation topic at that point, which now feels like a mistake.

 

I know I need to have a deeper conversation with him about the discomfort and distress that this situation evokes in me. He tells me that my happiness and security are so important to him. My gut tells me that in the six months that we’ve been together, his heart and his motivations have been in the right place, and his obliviousness or at times, carelessness, has been the byproduct of being relatively new to dating. But my gut is also telling me that his easy going nature has the potential for him to be swayed easily.

 

How do I best navigate through this situation? What are good questions to ask him, and ask myself? Has anyone else had a similar situation, and if you did, how did you go about dealing with it? I appreciate all insight!

[smackie9]

This is not appropriate, and he needs to know that when you are in a relationship, there needs to be boundaries set when it comes to opposite sex relationships outside the relationship. How about giving him an ultimatum. Either you all visit together, or he finds a new GF.

[Gretchen12]

Bet she doesn't know he has a girlfriend. Tell him since you are a couple and he talks to her regularly, you should meet her. If he says no, you know what that means.

[salparadise]

I don’t know if I’m reading too deeply into that comment. It seems innocuous. But in my experience, I’ve never told a friend of the opposite sex to do something about their appearance that would be appealing to me.

 

I know I need to have a deeper conversation with him about the discomfort and distress that this situation evokes in me. He tells me that my happiness and security are so important to him. My gut tells me...

 

You're trying to slice and dice details and words to mitigate a larger issue that is eroding your sense of congruity in this relationship. For example, you're back and forth about various clues that this may or may not be a platonic friendship. And then you go into the spiel about believing that opposite sex friendships are okay. You are obfuscating what matters to you, as if you don't know if it's okay to feel the way you feel. Let's get real...

 

This is NOT platonic friendship. The basis of it is sexual attraction and romance, and the boundaries between these two are thin to nonexistent. They have recent history and continue to skype, text and talk, etc., and make plans that have real potential to derail your relationship. Plus, he keeps talking about her, keeping her in your face in a way that would make anyone uncomfortable.

 

It's a secondary romantic interest. I don't care if he is inexperienced, or it hasn't reached critical mass yet, or however you justify not rocking the boat... it's time to put your foot down and communicate "the discomfort and distress that this situation evokes in me." Tell him that you've made a decision that his little triangle situation is unacceptable and there are exactly two ways to resolve it.

[d0nnivain]

I'm pretty sure she knows he has a GF which is why he was so hurt the 1st time. Have you met her? If not make that a condition of the visit.

 

Unfortunately given the timing meeting her about a month before meeting you & only deciding not to give a relationship with her a try due to the distance, I feel your anxiety about this. He might not have ever met you if she lived closer.

 

You can't yell & scream. All you can do is stake out your territory. Make sure you are included in her visit & hopefully you will be sleeping over the nights that she is there. Problem solved: she's on the couch; you're in his bed.

[allofme]

Am I the only one who would just break it off with the guy? The relationship is short. He clearly not only has boundary issues but also likes to rub it in OP’s face. Totally disrespectful.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think he's oblivious at all, OP.

 

He knows she likes him, and he appears to still have a soft spot for her. She was "hurt" the last time because she likely didn't know he has a girlfriend and was hoping to rekindle something.

 

His plan to have her stay in his house this time would not work for me. I would make it clear that his boundaries with her make me uncomfortable and let him decide how to deal with that. If she still wound up at his place, I would find a new boyfriend whose boundaries in a relationship line up with my own.